The title goes here. Free writing.  

There is no pre-determined guarantee for relationships.

Love is often confused with many other things, but when it is real; the “feel it in your bones” feeling of love, never goes away.

It is always there despite, no matter what the situation…. for better or worse.

It’s waiting in the back of me every time; to love again; when the trials of our lives ease up, and I come back down to reality. I cannot stop the feeling no matter how hard I try to, and you will have to make me hate you, to get me to stop.

That’s ME fully, that’s HOW I AM. That’s how I love.

Please don’t make me hate you.

I have always loved hard.

I fall too easily, I trust too easily, I believe what people tell me too easily….all the time…I always have. 

I like to believe that I’m worth love. 

But the kind of love, and the idea of love I have always searched for, is something that I can’t ever seem to fully get all the way. 

I’ve had two failed marriages; one 10 months, another 13 years. A five-year, online, long-distance, fuck up my life completely, cluster fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk of a “relationship”; and now T.

Those ARE my major relationships in my adult life.

No one compares to T.

I struggle every day to be the kind of woman that T deserves. I know I am failing, and then I ask myself why, and what I will do about it. 

I wish really, that there was a guarantee that we will make it; but there’s not. 

The only guarantee there is, is the one that I make to myself. 

I will continue to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants.

I don’t believe in hiding who you are from anyone anymore… especially the man you love.

I know that things aren’t perfect in my life right now…or my relationship.

But I do know that T is the only man, who has made me feel like I deserved love. And I never thought I’d ever feel that from a man. I never had until him. 

I guess that’s why they say love is patient.

I hope that I can work out my life, so that I can be the woman, that I know I am.

The damage I carry is real, and I’ve had more than I care to have these last months, and it fucks up everything…to the point that I have to make the choice to stop letting it infect, every good thing that I touch. 

It’s hard when there’s stuff you need to talk about and understand, but you know there’s probably no way you ever could, because you weren’t given the option upfront to know about it.

I can’t figure out what I could have done differently…except for me to do the exact opposite thing, and I obviously made the choice to be in this relationship. 

 I’m not a quitter. 

Every day is a new day to try. 

“Love without Limits, Fight without Fear.” 

It’s tattooed on my arm, but what does that mean to ME?

I made it up. Truth. Because I had made a choice that day to try to understand myself; and those are two things I try to do.

I hope there is a God AND that he will help me.

This is a free writing ramble.

I am sober, alive, confused, hurt, determined, and in love.

I need a miracle to fix my brain, and my life. 

I’m really just trying to be as positive as I can right now;

And I don’t feel bad for writing any of this, because it’s gotten me to this very moment.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Reconsideration. 

I’ve decided to keep this blog going after all. It would be like turning my back on a part of myself that’s good; and that would just be stupid.

Two years of my life, today, on digital world view. As hard as it’s been….Finding yourself;  in the midst of random strangers; is a good way to deal/heal fears, and is very freeing.

I reserve my right to make harmless, reversable, bipolar decisions.

………………………………………………..

I turned off and deactivated my social media accounts to focus on my goals.

I am 67 days sober.

There is a light in me again that grows stronger every single day.

I am grateful for the people in my life.

I realized that being afraid of failure, is keeping me from doing what I need to do to succeed.

I also realized that I can’t much do anything or get anything done, if I don’t do it.

Fear of failure is not an option for me any longer. It’s held me down for most of my life; and that’s just over now.

Love yourself. 

 J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Random Method and A Story…Thanks.

I have a rather random blogging method, in that it’s random and there is no method at all. 

I could change that in the future, I guess….but that’d be saturating the essence of Jenni, and I’d prefer to make some money for retirement on that, for the effort, if I can. (Lol) Future goals.

I had a “friend” once come right out of the blue and tell me that, “No one wanted to read, or cared about my stupid writing anyways; and I was like, “Bitch, are you crazy?” Haha Haha. 

No, I didn’t really say that. It was funny though, because that was my initial thought; you never want to be hearing that at all, let alone from someone who claims to be a friend.  Trying to ruin someone’s  Friday and self-esteem on purpose is always super nice;  and it was around then I realized that there will always people like that in life, although she was probably right. 

True story.

Anyways, this was like some Friday last year or the year before… not recent. I’m sure there’s a point in here somewhere, so bear with me.

So, although I was hurt for a brief moment, I remembered why I write in the first place.  

It’s for me.

Maybe I’m not going to ever be successful in this writing thing. I’m not getting paid for this blog, or for any of my writing at the moment, and that’s what success is based on right? I know.
I’m still going to write.

I’ll still publish some day.

Despite.

At any rate… or not; I am able to cope with things I struggle with, and celebrate things that matter in life to me, through this forum, and so for that I’m thankful… And I can’t complain. 
I’m pretty random though.

That girl is no longer my friend either,  because although she may have some sort of relevant point, that’s just her opinion, that is not why I write, and that is NOT a friend I need around me.

She also probably still follows this blog, so hello…I hope you’re well, the blog is still going. 
They say the truth will set you free, and I find more truth in life every day.

To write mine down is therapy, and gives me strength.

Thank you for the support of the people that get my words. 

It means a lot. 

-Jenni

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Talking myself into doing something, so I’ll blog. It’s Monday.

Many things in my life have changed in a short amount of time, and I sometimes struggle to find the patience with myself that I know I should have. 

I’m meeting some goals, and not meeting others in the slightest and it feels very much like I am spread very thin and that any moment a crack will start. Wish this feeling would leave me. 

I know it is the fear of the unknown that makes me feel this way , but right now I am doing everything I can to talk myself out of being comfortable, and into fucking doing something to actively move forward.

One foot in front of the other.

I feel pressure. Mostly it is within myself, but it is a valid feeling. 

I’m going to suck it up and move forward. Because truly I don’t know what else to do, and I figure it’s better than having a total mental lapse where I don’t give a shit at all and say F it.

True facts. 

Got the feeling down on paper. It’s a rather general attempt at some motivation for me today. 

Walk the walk. 

{I don’t like Mondays}

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Some Things I Know, Other Things No

I’ve said goodbye to Pennsylvania. I reside in Ohio now, and I didn’t ask anyone’s permission. So there you go.

I’m starting to revisit my goals list, and I think I have to narrow it down to needs and wants and find a better way through. 

I know I will continue with my school, photography, writing and art.I made a promise to myself to keep going and never stop; but I decided I’m going to write under a pen name and try to self-publish.  I’m becoming impatient with myself because I feel like I’m going nowhere. I decided on trying a new approach. Also good because there’s less pressure, and I won’t have to worry about pissing anyone off if they take parts of the book to heart. (Could happen) Seems legit to me. 

Lately I’ve been thinking of my real father as well, and if he even knows I’m alive or cares. I am now approximately 111 miles away from the city in Indiana where he is incarcerated. To be honest I don’t know if he has died or if his health is bad, since I found out about him a few years back. I DO know he will die in prison because he is serving consecutive terms so he’s easy to find. My mother has made me promise not go see my real father, but I’m 98% sure now that I have a half-sister; and I really more than anything just want to look him in the eye, and see what I see. There are parts of me that want to know my other parts, and parts of me that wonder why I care so much in the first place.

I don’t know where I come from. I never have.

I don’t think anyone close to me knows how important it is for me to find out, because I very rarely talk about it.

I could take all the tests, but still there would be pieces of me missing. It’s not the same. 

My heart and head do not match and sometimes it hurts and I struggle.

I continue to knock the idea around because I am an epic procrastinater, and I want to talk myself out of it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me


So She Wants To Tell A Story…

Today I tried to form some sort of sense out of a book idea I’ve had in the early stages for about a year now. About three chapters worth. Content…BS. Still significant amounts of work to get it out. Some of it can be salvaged but mostly it’s not the way I want it at all. The outline seems too vague and I want to fix it.

It seems trivial to complain about it, but like I said, it was emotional and hard to write. Not feeling too well about scrapping it, but I’m just not feeling the vibe of it anymore. It drags and that won’t do. It’s so irritating to me. It needs to be re-worked and I can’t figure out if I’m pissed off for waiting so long to come back to it, or happy nothing came from it because it’s shit, and scary, and too many real-life facts about my life. Have to change it.

I feel like a broken record because I can’t seem to fucking focus long enough to make a desicion on which way to go on this, and I’ve been thinking about it for two days now.

Certainly the coming days must have better things in store. This indecision is driving me nuts and it makes me feel vulnerable and lazy.

My biggest issue is not following through on my projects and commitments, because I spend more time thinking about it, than actually doing something about it. Second-guessing my “work”, also a huge flaw.

Tonight I will at least fill in the outline.

Loving myself.
J. Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Writers block….OR Nothing to say.

I’m going through some sort of dry spell with my writing.  To be honest, I don’t much care.

I go throughout my day doing all the things that I’m supposed to do. I’m in a new Math class that is kicking my ass. All my cats from my cat fostering project have been placed and it’s back to the hum drum and day to day again.

Only thing I’ve been really doing for fun is my art….and even that is getting boring.

Point is I haven’t felt like writing at all. Nothing to say. Hopefully now since I’ve complained out loud to the world once more, I can refocus and pick up a pen again and start to write something relevant.

Seems I’m not going to get much of anywhere without some sort of consistent application.

Just seems like none of it matters anyways. This really is just a journal after all.

Blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah blah. That’s what I feel.

Loving myself anyways.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Re-reading Past Writings

Something I decided to share because I’m healing.  I’ve been going over a lot of my writings from past years. So much dark and hurt and heavy. It’s hard to read. I believe if I didn’t have my writing I would have slit my throat, overdosed, or hung myself. I know I would have. Grief can kill you if you don’t get a handle on it. For me, that’s what I had to do. I still have bad times of course, but mostly life is slowly starting to even out. Opting out is no longer an option for me; and I’m able to recover more quickly from my “moments”. (Usually) Medication helps.

Sometimes you come across certain things, that I believe you’re supposed to see for a reason. I have battled with myself and my faith since I learned what “God” was, or what they said he was supposed to be.

This is one of my many letters to “God”.

Not sure what it means that I saw this. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps it’s to remind me of how far I’ve come…or where I need to go.

I’m not really sure how it works.

??
What about me?
What about how I hurt inside?

Isn’t it enough to know I struggle everyday? Isn’t THAT enough for you???

What about my feelings? My weaknesses? My triggers? My little boy, burned up and sitting in a box, on a shelf, that YOU took away?

Doesn’t it matter that I want to be well and become better and forget?

Doesn’t any of it matter at all?

It matters to me.

And I don’t even know what this life means anymore.

You abandoned me when I needed you the most.

I don’t believe you exist or ever did.      (2010)

I think it is a very normal feeling to struggle with your faith after you’ve been through something that will forever change you and leaves a massive void.

I’m not going to go on about “God”, or lack there of. I think religion is a personal journey; much like life.

This just made me remember and cry. I remember those times. It was still fresh, and the feelings bit at me every waking moment.

It has been a very long, very hard 8 years. I still ask all of those questions on a bad day.

I needed to see this. I needed to remember; and I needed to share it. That that was then, and this is NOW.

Now is so much better. I also know the answers to most of those questions too.

Believe in and love yourself. It lies within you. The rest follows.

I am grateful for my life.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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The struggle

I find myself spending lots of time, on writing that no one else will see but me.

Kind of counter-productive when you’re looking to get published.

Sometimes I edit so much, that there’s simply nothing left to say at the end.

Or maybe some things are just not worth saying; because it doesn’t matter to anyone but me.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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