There is no pre-determined guarantee for relationships.
Love is often confused with many other things, but when it is real; the “feel it in your bones” feeling of love, never goes away.
It is always there despite, no matter what the situation…. for better or worse.
It’s waiting in the back of me every time; to love again; when the trials of our lives ease up, and I come back down to reality. I cannot stop the feeling no matter how hard I try to, and you will have to make me hate you, to get me to stop.
That’s ME fully, that’s HOW I AM. That’s how I love.
Please don’t make me hate you.
I have always loved hard.
I fall too easily, I trust too easily, I believe what people tell me too easily….all the time…I always have.
I like to believe that I’m worth love.
But the kind of love, and the idea of love I have always searched for, is something that I can’t ever seem to fully get all the way.
I’ve had two failed marriages; one 10 months, another 13 years. A five-year, online, long-distance, fuck up my life completely, cluster fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk of a “relationship”; and now T.
Those ARE my major relationships in my adult life.
No one compares to T.
I struggle every day to be the kind of woman that T deserves. I know I am failing, and then I ask myself why, and what I will do about it.
I wish really, that there was a guarantee that we will make it; but there’s not.
The only guarantee there is, is the one that I make to myself.
I will continue to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants.
I don’t believe in hiding who you are from anyone anymore… especially the man you love.
I know that things aren’t perfect in my life right now…or my relationship.
But I do know that T is the only man, who has made me feel like I deserved love. And I never thought I’d ever feel that from a man. I never had until him.
I guess that’s why they say love is patient.
I hope that I can work out my life, so that I can be the woman, that I know I am.
The damage I carry is real, and I’ve had more than I care to have these last months, and it fucks up everything…to the point that I have to make the choice to stop letting it infect, every good thing that I touch.
It’s hard when there’s stuff you need to talk about and understand, but you know there’s probably no way you ever could, because you weren’t given the option upfront to know about it.
I can’t figure out what I could have done differently…except for me to do the exact opposite thing, and I obviously made the choice to be in this relationship.
I’m not a quitter.
Every day is a new day to try.
“Love without Limits, Fight without Fear.”
It’s tattooed on my arm, but what does that mean to ME?
I made it up. Truth. Because I had made a choice that day to try to understand myself; and those are two things I try to do.
I hope there is a God AND that he will help me.
This is a free writing ramble.
I am sober, alive, confused, hurt, determined, and in love.
I need a miracle to fix my brain, and my life.
I’m really just trying to be as positive as I can right now;
And I don’t feel bad for writing any of this, because it’s gotten me to this very moment.
J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME