Jenni was Here.

When I write, I feel a sense of decompression as the words leave my brain and come into sentence.

It makes room.

Eventually there will be nothing left to say, and this will be all that remains of me.

It’s documented proof that I fight the fight, and live this life.

Writing about my life has been the most freeing and beneficial thing I have done for myself, for my mental health, and also for my recovery; which will be an on-going, life-long process.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Look

When people look at you like you don’t matter

Know that you do

You are strong

You are brave

You are loved

You are worthy of the love

Love yourself

You have to or you won’t survive

You are not a quitter

They just want you to be

Don’t look back and don’t give in

Only you can forge your path

You know there is light in the darkness if you look for it

LOOK

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Hard love yourself into changing your negative Nancy ways… because she’s a bitch.

Every day that I chose to live in my own pain and addictions, I could not feel or see anybody else’s pain, or care about anyone else properly, because I was too busy feeling and living in my own negativity, and feeding off of it.

This didn’t work for me at all, when it came to being a good mother or wife or daughter or sister or aunt or cousin or niece or friend or Jenni; I was quite the opposite of a good anything; because I was zeroed in on the fact that my life sucked, and the negativity I chose to live in was consuming me, and everyone that chose to come around me.

FINALLY; as a desperate measure; I considered focusing my thoughts on what was going right in my life for a change, instead of what was going wrong. I was tired of being sick and tired and miserable. I was tired of raging and feeling like I wanted to beat the shit out of someone every, single day. I was tired of the drama in my life, the unneeded stress of it all…the BULLSHIT.

I wanted it to stop, so I advocated for my own life.

Honestly, on a lot of days at the beginning of my journey to self-wellness, it felt much like it did after my son passed, and those first few days afterward. I was hopeless.

It felt like the only thing I had going on for me was breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t do one more thing other than that, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t even want to do that.

I won’t lie, sometimes I still have days like that. They are much fewer and far between now, but they are still there.

Mental health struggles are real, and often come in ebbs and flows for me.

It is in these times, that I challenge myself to look a little bit further and to be mindful of the fact that I need to change my attitude or it won’t be getting any better for me.

I am patient but firm with myself today because I know that not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows, and I also know that I am what I focus on.

What are you focusing on? Does it improve the quality of your life? Will it matter at the end of this day, in a week, in a month, in a year?

If the answer is no, then let the focus of it go, because it is wasting your time right now.

These are the tools you can teach yourself to do, and you don’t need a formal anything to learn them. You only need the desire to change and to get real with yourself and your situation now, and how you want it to be for you in the future.

Yes, it takes mindful practice to be positive when you don’t feel it inside; but it gets easier to look up, the more you look up. If the desire is there, you can change anything about your life that you want to. Especially your thought processes.

Choose to think glass half-full, instead of half-empty. You can do it.

When you look for the good in things, you won’t have the time to focus on the bad things and that’s when things will start to change in your life. That’s when hope comes back. That’s when you start thinking about the things you can do to make your life better. You start realizing that it was all in you from the beginning. Every. Single. Part.

Healing is a choice you make to become more peaceful.

It’s not possible to negative Nancy your way into a good life, no matter how hard you try to. I’ve tried that shit forever, don’t waste your life on it.

Expecting others to fix your life and put up with your negative Nancy in the process doesn’t work either, trust me. It’s also not fair to expect someone else to save you or run your life.

That’s not living. That’s existing.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR OWN LIFE IF YOU WANT IT TO CHANGE.

This I know.

People ask me all the time, how I stopped drinking and trainwrecking my way through life, and this was the first thing I did.

I CHOSE to look at the positive side of life when I was not feeling positive. It’s because I wanted to feel better and live; not feel worse and die.

Only reason.

It’s impossible to make your life better if you don’t channel yourself away from the negativity in it. Your negative Nancy is a bitch, and she always will be. Get her out of your life. Shut her up by changing what you tell yourself, and what you focus on.

Most of the negativity in my life now comes from my own brain, not my actual life.

I had to do some major work to get to this point that I’m at now. There’s still work to do, and I do it every day now because I know that it’s a better way than the old way I lived. My negative Nancy is a passer-by now, not a resident.

For me, focusing on the positive, and learning to make peace with the fact that I am not a perfect person, motivated me to want to become a better person, and also gave me the love and validation I needed to give myself to move forward.

You still deserve your best life ever, no matter what anyone else says about it, and no matter where you are at in your life.

What do you say about your own life now? What do you want your future life to be like? Do you want to move forward, and stop worrying so much?

You can.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Sobering Year.

Although I have been writing, I’ve not been blogging here for a bit because I’ve been too busy working and focusing on doing other things that I need to get done.

My holiday was quiet and simple. I made myself a small, festive dinner and talked with my family and friends.

I received a few unexpected gifts as well, and it was really nice to be remembered. All in all, it was a good Holiday for me, and I’m glad I didn’t get called into work and could just enjoy the time off.

I still have packages to send out because I am finishing up some of the things I’ve been making for gifts; but since everyone already knows they will be late; there was no pressure or anxiousness about Christmas this year, that I would usually have if I was behind. My animals were also happy that I stayed home the whole day for once. (Lol)

I’ve just been moving forward, and what a sobering year this has been.

It’s getting easier to not look back in life at the bad times, and when I do it’s usually just to acknowledge and/or think about a lesson I’ve learned from it. I don’t stay there very long anymore. I really do think that this has been key for me and my personal growth.

Today I am in today.

Today I am also one year, nine months, and one day sober.

Today is one day more than I can say that I actually lived.

I shared this on social media today, and I think it’s something to share here as well.

“You cannot wage war on yourself, and expect to win.

When you know you are on the right track, there is no going backward anymore, only forward.

I was my own worst enemy…

Now I am my own best friend.”

It is true, all of it; and I am grateful to be ok in my skin, and to be ok in general, in this world.

I couldn’t say that at the beginning of this year.

There are still stressors in my life, but instead of freaking out or going into a hole over them, I am instead choosing to face the challenges head-on. I’m thinking with my brain rationally and finding solutions to my problems, instead of letting the BS take root. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I received from this year.

I have been in way worse positions in my life, and I’ve surely never been this hopeful at all about the future.

It’s a really good thing to feel hopeful.

This year was a big one for me in many regards; and in 2019, my first major thing will be flying to New York to see my eldest daughter in mid-January. It’s been a long time coming, and I cannot wait to go and see her. My flight is booked, and all that is left to be worked out are the minor details.

More on that to come.

I hope you had a wonderful Holiday, and that 2019 is a year that will bring you peace, understanding, and great happiness.

I hope the New Year will shine it’s good juje on all of us.

Truthfully, I think we could all use some light in this world for a change.

Making little efforts to open our eyes, makes it all the more easier to see it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

I am Not Afraid.

I am not afraid of the dark anymore; this is why I can travel through it.

It has made me stronger.

Time.

It heals most things.

But the real healing comes in facing the demons inside.

Ruthless reminders of the past, put upon the shelf of life, where they belong.

You owe it to yourself to live the life that you were given.

Not just give it away to whatever and whoever would take it from you.

Be grateful because it will save your life.

You make your own path in life, no one else. There is hope on the other side of despair. Always. Reach for it.

Be grateful every time you conquer adversity.

Look yourself straight in the eye, and be proud. You deserve to acknowledge that you did not break where you would have before.

There is internal strength and acceptance that comes in that gesture. Grace, healing, courage…so many other things.

Be kind to yourself every day.

In doing that, you can also be kind to others.

You will want to be.

Be the person you needed to be all along.

It spreads to others like a rash.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Thankfulness.

I don’t know what my life holds for me. To be honest I sometimes still feel like I don’t deserve the good things in it, because I’ve taken life for granted (or did), for so long.

It is still hard for me to see the positive in some situations. It still takes practice to be mindful in times of stress.

I am a work in progress and I know it.

I think we all are, really. I think things happen to teach us about ourselves, what we are capable of, and what we can do to become more whole as individuals; *so at the end of it all, we are at peace when we leave this world.

Remembering a school friend that passed yesterday, and his entire family.

It got me to thinking about thankfulness.

This Thanksgiving I am truly grateful for so many things.

I’m grateful that I chose to end my alcoholic cycle for good.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to work every day, to keep it that way.

I’m grateful that I feel like it’s ok to be me.

I’m grateful that I have my beautiful children in my life, and that they are willing to forgive my past, because they believe in our future.

I’m grateful that I have a loving mother, and sisters who have always loved me, even when I was lost.

I’m grateful for my niece.

I’m grateful that I am still able to learn and grow, and that I’m not stuck in my ways, because many of them were not healthy.

I’m grateful that I have wonderful friends who encourage me to live, and listen to me and encourage me when I feel weak inside.

I’m grateful for my animals.

I’m grateful for my job, and the kind of work I get to do for a living.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to keep moving forward….not back.

I’m grateful that I got a chance to know and care about people that are no longer here on this earth; and for the things they taught me about life, love, and the human spirit.

I’m grateful that I have a place to call home, and that I’m ok with being the only one in it.

So many other things as well.

What are you grateful for? What has your story taught you?

There is a light in all of us and every day we are alive, we have the opportunity to share it with others.

I hope that you are grateful for that fact, because it could all end in a moment. This I do know.

This Thanksgiving I will be working.

It may seem corny, but I will be a light for the animals that could not be with their families this holiday. I will be their family.

To me, that is the second best thing, to being with mine.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Love yourself. Always. Xo

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Universe is trying to teach me today.

I think the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience today because I don’t think the day could have been anymore tripped up.

There have been SO many things that have gone wrong for me this Thursday, that I cried twice at work from stress, and once before I even went to work.

It’s not worth running down the list of BS at all, but I don’t like to cry, as we know.

My tears were not crazy tears at all and mostly quiet and to myself really; but the new guy at work did see me for a few seconds. I was embarrassed, naturally. I just pretended that I was fine and walked away.

I then got happy….and plowed through the rest of the day.

The real high lights were my dog babies at work; that helped a lot.

I have done a pretty awesome job of keeping it together today, and not losing my shit like I have in the past when things don’t go anyway but wrong for me.

It is not a new thing at all… the trip ups.

I do know I’m growing positively and not going backwards though.

Even though I did have a few “moments” today, I stayed pretty calm despite all of this crap I feel is testing me.

I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and I can’t deny it or avoid it.

I feel like I am dropping the ball sometimes, but also that I am trying as hard as I can not to.

That matters.

I wonder quite a bit just what the point is when some days it feels like all I do all day long is consistently talk myself down from completely losing it.

I know it’s what I have to do to get through it though.

I wonder if other people that are in recovery and in the process of rebuilding their lives ever feel this way; also if they talk about it.

I cannot be the only one.

I know I am using the tools I have and being honest about what’s going on with me, and that it is actually working to keep me focused on what I can do next to make my life better.

I want to say personal thank yous to Kayla, Elaina, and T for listening to me today and helping me get through my “moments”.

Yes i did say T. I think time does heal old wounds, and taking it as it comes doesn’t hurt either. It’s good to have my friend back again, without the pressure of anything else.

*On a side note: As for my social media frustrations, I have gone to my other account. It is much more positive with people that actually want to see me succeed. Only real friends there.*

Tomorrow will be a better day for me I’m sure. If not, I will get through that too. I believe that things will be if it’s meant to be.

I am one year, five months, and eleven days sober. I am living today instead of dying slowly.

I hope you will do the same friends.

Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME