Sober is my Strength

I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.

It is a slower process than I would like.

I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.

What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.

I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.

I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.

To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.

Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.

I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.

I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.

I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.

Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.

The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.

The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?

The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.

To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.

I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.

I am grateful.

Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Employee of the month to management?

I forgot to document this, so I’m doing it now.

Last week I got employee of the month!!

WHAAAAT? Lol.

Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.

I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.

It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.

It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.

Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂

I like being happy.

There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.

I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.

Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.

I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.

I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.

The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.

I can’t really lose.

Good things come to those who put the effort in.

I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.

Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.

Wish me luck!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

 A Trip to Michigan.

Every day I am up by 6 am, but this day has felt particularly long to me for some reason. I was happy to have the small dogs at work tonight for a change; because you just can’t not love the small dogs. They make me happy 🙂

I’ve been hesitant to mention it; but I was able to get the time off of work that I needed, to visit my children in Michigan. I will see them in three more days. This is the first time in over two years.

I don’t much know what to say about that; except that I am regretful for many things regarding my kids…and this would be one of those things for certain. I have let them down in the past; and so now that everything is in place, I feel a little less anxious about it. 

Probably why I was hesitant to mention it.

I am nervous for various reasons; but also so excited and grateful to be seeing my kids. I hope it will be the start of more positive things between us, in the future. I don’t think I can hope or expect more.  I will also get to see my mother…which is also awesome. 
I couldn’t be happier about going. I feel more nervous about the weather, than anything else. 

I’m staying positive about it all; because that’s my M.O. now…

T will also be with me; so with the two of us together, it’s going to be an exciting trip there and back for sure. 

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

An actual technical paycheck.

So I got my first real paycheck in years today.

What? 😉

I’m happy because I know I truly earned it…in many ways.

I’m glad I made the choice to finally start having some faith in myself.

I know there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t like this job because it’s physically demanding, dirty, and takes a high love of all things dog and cat. For me it makes me feel peaceful inside, and I love it. 

My eldest daughter is proud of me, and my true friends. I know my mom will be too when I tell her. I am proud of me. It’s been a rough journey to feeling like I’m able to work.

I’m sending money to my kids for their Birthdays, getting my camera equipment off of pawn, and saving. 

Couldnt really do that on disability, so.

This feels awesome. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

178.

I can be grateful and happy that I am 178 days sober, and moving in what seems to be, a forward motion. 

Today I’m just going to go to work, and talk to animals.

Nothing fancy, but it works.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Work.

So I got the job at the pet hotel. My orientation and scheduling is today, after noon.

I’m not too worried about it because I’m OCD and good with animals. 

My biggest challenge will be interacting with actual people. 

That’s funny I know. 

Especially if you knew me growing up.

I pretty much figure it can only be, as hard as I make it. 

I have goals that I can at least have a shot at meeting now, and have accomplished this one… because I know what is important.

I’m doing. 

This is the first tax-paying job, that I have had in almost five years. 

I’m still going to work on my other ideas for happiness, on the side.

Eventually I’ll find a way that suits me, and is truly fufilling/productive.

That’s important to me, but this is a good start.

I am 5 months, 23 days sober.

Meow.

Love yourself. 😘😘😘

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Interview.

I just got back from the interview at the pet hotel; and I don’t know; but I guess it went ok. 

She said I’d know by Friday, and she told me everything she could, to make me understand that the job wouldn’t be easy…and borderlined on hard.

What job have I ever had, or what situation have I ever been in, that wasn’t?

Pretty much.

It seems to me that at least it could be a positive something to focus on, that wouldn’t be detrimental to me emotionally. 

I apologized to the lady for my nervousness and awkwardness; I also told her that I was more than ready for any kind of challenge she put in front of me.

She did say that there are company opportunities at points.

I hope I get the job, because I need it. 

I hope I will feel better about myself, and my life.

Having a job would be a part of it anyways…

Baby steps.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Hope for Texas and myself.

Last days of Summer are here already; it’s in the air, and undeniable. 

Not sure how I feel about that.

I am five months, six days sober, and I think I’ve been doing fairly well keeping level and positive these last days.

I’ve got too many things to do, and not enough money to do it. Correction: I’ve got too many things I NEED to do, and not enough money to do it. 

Imagine that. 

I decided to change my availability at the PET HOTEL to, “just let me work, I don’t care what time, or what shift.“; in hopes I can get some kind of interview, and spend my time picking up dog and cat shit and talking to animals for money; while I work on my Etsy store and photography/art projects on the side.

I know the animals will help my mood significantly, and I need the money to pay my way into financial responsibility and self-worth again.

Seems legit. 

I’ve done WAY worse things to get money. Enough said.

I’m going to stay positive about it, because I really can’t afford not to. 

I’m well enough to work, I just need to do something that’s going to keep me positive.

For now I’m back to this Etsy thing….and I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just burn the shit I’m posting, instead. 

I’m grateful because I know that my situation could be way worse.

I think of the people in Texas and the surrounding areas that were affected by the flooding and rain; the children and animals and all of the chaos; the fear and confusion I know those people must be feeling or must have felt. 

I cannot imagine, and don’t want to.

I can’t complain about anything; because mostly I’m just pissed off at myself, my lack of responsibility for my own life, and the way I allowed myself to give up on ME.

I could tell you all my theories about what my issues are and were…but I decided to write a book instead, because it’s too deep to rattle off on a public blog all the time. 

I’ve been writing every day for weeks now, consistently.

It’ll come out when I get to that stage, whenever that is, and if it helps someone in the end besides myself, then it will have been worth writing fully. 

Today I’m just posting a picture of me from two days ago, so you can see I’m still taking it day by day; and still trying to be happy in the best way I can.

Please donate anywhere you are able to, to help the people of Hurricane Harvey rebuild their lives; and have the kind of aftercare, that they will need and deserve.

T and I are donating for now; but it’s got me to thinking about other ways I could help as well…and I want to.

How you can help Harvey victims/survivors

American Red Cross

Count your blessings every day, because you have many more than you realize. 

You do.

As always, Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME