Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me


What is love?

Through the mist she drifts in trance

Abandoned restlessness

Eyes like fire in the night

Bare of foot, her kirtle catches on thorns of the rosebush patches

Ripping at her ankles; drawing seeping blood of maroon and black as she floats

A force unknown, where she goes is a mystery

But where she goes is calculated and undieviating

She is led by the moon and stars in the pungent air of a midnight sky

The jackals call to her as she passes

The ravens scream as she ensnares her victim with lucid madness

I am the scars of one hundred thousand wounds, she whispers

I am the broken wing of the butterfly who is fighting for it’s nectar

I am the hiss of the succubus that seeps into the dreams of man while he lay safe

Fast asleep and dreaming of his immortal

I am the sweet, biting sting on the lips of a slow, lingering kiss

I am all and everything

I am the arrow to the heart

Surely you will feel the certain chaoticness of loves great enchantment

And awake with a fever that will not break

J. Rounds ©2015 Peaces of ME

Arrow to the heart.
Arrow to the heart.