I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.
It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.
As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.
The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.
We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.
It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.
I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.
Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.
I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.
I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.
Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.
I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.
Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.
I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.
It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.
I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.
I damaged my kids because of it.
I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.
I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.
I miss them every day.
I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.
I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.
It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.
I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.
It was my entire focus for over a decade.
I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.
I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.
That truth is so hard to admit.
I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.
What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.
You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.
This I know for sure.
I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.
I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.
My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.
I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.
I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.
I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?
I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.
It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.
Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.
Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.
My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.
If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.
Do not miss out on the best things in your life.
It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.
For my kids; for my future, for myself.
I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.
I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.
Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.
P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME