The Universe is trying to teach me today.

I think the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience today because I don’t think the day could have been anymore tripped up.

There have been SO many things that have gone wrong for me this Thursday, that I cried twice at work from stress, and once before I even went to work.

It’s not worth running down the list of BS at all, but I don’t like to cry, as we know.

My tears were not crazy tears at all and mostly quiet and to myself really; but the new guy at work did see me for a few seconds. I was embarrassed, naturally. I just pretended that I was fine and walked away.

I then got happy….and plowed through the rest of the day.

The real high lights were my dog babies at work; that helped a lot.

I have done a pretty awesome job of keeping it together today, and not losing my shit like I have in the past when things don’t go anyway but wrong for me.

It is not a new thing at all… the trip ups.

I do know I’m growing positively and not going backwards though.

Even though I did have a few “moments” today, I stayed pretty calm despite all of this crap I feel is testing me.

I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and I can’t deny it or avoid it.

I feel like I am dropping the ball sometimes, but also that I am trying as hard as I can not to.

That matters.

I wonder quite a bit just what the point is when some days it feels like all I do all day long is consistently talk myself down from completely losing it.

I know it’s what I have to do to get through it though.

I wonder if other people that are in recovery and in the process of rebuilding their lives ever feel this way; also if they talk about it.

I cannot be the only one.

I know I am using the tools I have and being honest about what’s going on with me, and that it is actually working to keep me focused on what I can do next to make my life better.

I want to say personal thank yous to Kayla, Elaina, and T for listening to me today and helping me get through my “moments”.

Yes i did say T. I think time does heal old wounds, and taking it as it comes doesn’t hurt either. It’s good to have my friend back again, without the pressure of anything else.

*On a side note: As for my social media frustrations, I have gone to my other account. It is much more positive with people that actually want to see me succeed. Only real friends there.*

Tomorrow will be a better day for me I’m sure. If not, I will get through that too. I believe that things will be if it’s meant to be.

I am one year, five months, and eleven days sober. I am living today instead of dying slowly.

I hope you will do the same friends.

Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME