Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I tell myself again today, to live in the moment…before it is gone forever…..

Today is what I make of it. It’s impossible to live today, if I’m living in tomorrow or yesterday.

I have been in better spirits; but I am sober and still alive;  I guess that’s all that really matters, considering.

The sarcasm and anxiety I expressed yesterday, was exactly that. It was warranted completely; a company is basically trying to take our money illegally; so I can’t apologize for yesterday’s post, and the colorful, rainbow fucks that WERE definitely given.

My Brooklyn took over.

I’m pretty sure that even Oprah has opened up a huge can of F bomb on occasion, to save her own Oprah sanity. 

I am NO Oprah; and I am well aware of this fact….just sayin’.

I’ve come to some hard conclusions about life the last days, and it’s just not worth it to play the “I’m fine” game, when there are certain things, that I am far from being fine on, like people stealing from us, when we are trying to get our lives together and fully healthy. Also it just isn’t worth not venting openly in some form, especially when I’m writing to heal myself from the inside out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still glad I am off the synthetic meds and stopped the alcohol, even though I have the ups and downs.

At least I can actually feel now, and it makes it easier to know what my core emotions are, and where they come from. I felt like the meds were just masking my symptoms, but they were never really controlling them. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of life where I’ll just power through hard things, without emotion, and in full control. MOST times I hate that I feel at all; but I know that if I don’t, I’ll just be an empty shell; as I’ve said before, that’s not a life I want anymore for me.

I don’t think you can cure me with a pill or a drink or a shot. I think the only thing that’ll truly work for me is a labotomy, and I simply can’t find anyone to do it, that I can afford OR trust. LOL.

I hate the fact that you can see my damage in my eyes, and on my face. I can erase the lines on my face easy enough; but the eyes NEVER lie. It is hard for me to look into them sometimes, because I don’t much know how to fix it so it doesn’t remind me of the past, and all the things I have come to hate and realize about myself.  I don’t want to live there anymore, and IT IS a daily battle to overcome.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to find a psychotherapist that can actually help me. Someone that won’t try to put me on pills to fix me; but will actually help me cope with the way that I was made naturally, AND the trauma that I tend to carry around like a best friend with VIP access to the worst version of me.

Everyday I realize that I am not in control of my emotions. I would like to find a way to be able to properly think something through, before reacting negatively or overreacting.

I also think I need anger management. I have rage and bitterness in me, that needs to be addressed, and I don’t want to be angry or hurtful to anyone at all. It doesn’t look good on me.

I do not have the coping mechanisms that I am supposed to have, and it is hard to feel peace full-time, when you know that you are not at your best. 
I don’t know what my best is; but I do know that I have to keep fighting to find it. Just being sober simply isn’t enough for me anymore.

I also know that there will always be things to work on regarding myself, and there are always new goals to meet and to work for. 

Today I hope for a good day, with some good juju sprinkled on top. We have proof we paid the money, and so I surely hope we will get it back, as we should.

I am trying my hardest to not be afraid of the unknown, and to embrace it. 

I blame myself for my own failures, and noone else. It IS hard for me to trust fully though, due to direct contact with people like this asshole we are dealing with now, and otherwise generally assholish others.

In the end, I know in order to keep moving forward, this moment is all that matters, and so I’m refocused to just take it as it comes…it’s really all any of us can do anyways.

Love yourself every day, even if you don’t think you deserve it. You are the only one that can decide that you are worthy.

You are worth love, and you are worth forgiveness.  You are worth a better life.

Forgive yourself daily if you have to, and don’t give up.

I hope your day is wonderful. Also I wanted to let you know, that I do not own automatic weapons or guns of any kind, and I am not planning on it;  your sides of beef are totally safe. 😉

{This ain’t a scene, it’s a god damn arms race}

Gotta’ love the *Disclaimers. ^^^^^^^ 😉

Laters.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Little Gem to Keep Me in Today….

*PSEUDO*

I try to block it out because it hurts.

I don’t understand how I’ve got myself believing in a total lie.

The kind of lie you end up living in your head that keeps you falling in over and over again.

Down into a hole of abyss and you’re covered in thick, bloody tar and clawing and holding onto nothing and everything to try to get out. But you can’t get out, so you let go and die and wake up again in some hospital room hooked up to respirator with all your friends around….AGAIN.

It’s just another day to believe you, and lie again to myself about all the things you say to me.

I believed you.

Doesn’t that just make me the stupid, weak one for loving you.

Yes it does.

I’m running out of belief.

I try to block it out, because it hurts.

J.Rounds (c)2014

image

When I read through my old writings I can see how confused and hurt I was, and it makes me mad at myself that I wasted my time on such negative things. But after that initial madness…I feel a peace in the fact that I’m out of that time of my life now. Today is today, and I can live it the way I choose to. I really always could I just didn’t exactly realize it.

Lessons.

I hope you will always invest in things and people that make you feel good about life and who you are as a person. It’s really the only way to find who you were meant to be.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me