I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I tell myself again today, to live in the moment…before it is gone forever…..

Today is what I make of it. It’s impossible to live today, if I’m living in tomorrow or yesterday.

I have been in better spirits; but I am sober and still alive;  I guess that’s all that really matters, considering.

The sarcasm and anxiety I expressed yesterday, was exactly that. It was warranted completely; a company is basically trying to take our money illegally; so I can’t apologize for yesterday’s post, and the colorful, rainbow fucks that WERE definitely given.

My Brooklyn took over.

I’m pretty sure that even Oprah has opened up a huge can of F bomb on occasion, to save her own Oprah sanity. 

I am NO Oprah; and I am well aware of this fact….just sayin’.

I’ve come to some hard conclusions about life the last days, and it’s just not worth it to play the “I’m fine” game, when there are certain things, that I am far from being fine on, like people stealing from us, when we are trying to get our lives together and fully healthy. Also it just isn’t worth not venting openly in some form, especially when I’m writing to heal myself from the inside out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still glad I am off the synthetic meds and stopped the alcohol, even though I have the ups and downs.

At least I can actually feel now, and it makes it easier to know what my core emotions are, and where they come from. I felt like the meds were just masking my symptoms, but they were never really controlling them. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of life where I’ll just power through hard things, without emotion, and in full control. MOST times I hate that I feel at all; but I know that if I don’t, I’ll just be an empty shell; as I’ve said before, that’s not a life I want anymore for me.

I don’t think you can cure me with a pill or a drink or a shot. I think the only thing that’ll truly work for me is a labotomy, and I simply can’t find anyone to do it, that I can afford OR trust. LOL.

I hate the fact that you can see my damage in my eyes, and on my face. I can erase the lines on my face easy enough; but the eyes NEVER lie. It is hard for me to look into them sometimes, because I don’t much know how to fix it so it doesn’t remind me of the past, and all the things I have come to hate and realize about myself.  I don’t want to live there anymore, and IT IS a daily battle to overcome.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to find a psychotherapist that can actually help me. Someone that won’t try to put me on pills to fix me; but will actually help me cope with the way that I was made naturally, AND the trauma that I tend to carry around like a best friend with VIP access to the worst version of me.

Everyday I realize that I am not in control of my emotions. I would like to find a way to be able to properly think something through, before reacting negatively or overreacting.

I also think I need anger management. I have rage and bitterness in me, that needs to be addressed, and I don’t want to be angry or hurtful to anyone at all. It doesn’t look good on me.

I do not have the coping mechanisms that I am supposed to have, and it is hard to feel peace full-time, when you know that you are not at your best. 
I don’t know what my best is; but I do know that I have to keep fighting to find it. Just being sober simply isn’t enough for me anymore.

I also know that there will always be things to work on regarding myself, and there are always new goals to meet and to work for. 

Today I hope for a good day, with some good juju sprinkled on top. We have proof we paid the money, and so I surely hope we will get it back, as we should.

I am trying my hardest to not be afraid of the unknown, and to embrace it. 

I blame myself for my own failures, and noone else. It IS hard for me to trust fully though, due to direct contact with people like this asshole we are dealing with now, and otherwise generally assholish others.

In the end, I know in order to keep moving forward, this moment is all that matters, and so I’m refocused to just take it as it comes…it’s really all any of us can do anyways.

Love yourself every day, even if you don’t think you deserve it. You are the only one that can decide that you are worthy.

You are worth love, and you are worth forgiveness.  You are worth a better life.

Forgive yourself daily if you have to, and don’t give up.

I hope your day is wonderful. Also I wanted to let you know, that I do not own automatic weapons or guns of any kind, and I am not planning on it;  your sides of beef are totally safe. 😉

{This ain’t a scene, it’s a god damn arms race}

Gotta’ love the *Disclaimers. ^^^^^^^ 😉

Laters.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Little Gem to Keep Me in Today….

*PSEUDO*

I try to block it out because it hurts.

I don’t understand how I’ve got myself believing in a total lie.

The kind of lie you end up living in your head that keeps you falling in over and over again.

Down into a hole of abyss and you’re covered in thick, bloody tar and clawing and holding onto nothing and everything to try to get out. But you can’t get out, so you let go and die and wake up again in some hospital room hooked up to respirator with all your friends around….AGAIN.

It’s just another day to believe you, and lie again to myself about all the things you say to me.

I believed you.

Doesn’t that just make me the stupid, weak one for loving you.

Yes it does.

I’m running out of belief.

I try to block it out, because it hurts.

J.Rounds (c)2014

image

When I read through my old writings I can see how confused and hurt I was, and it makes me mad at myself that I wasted my time on such negative things. But after that initial madness…I feel a peace in the fact that I’m out of that time of my life now. Today is today, and I can live it the way I choose to. I really always could I just didn’t exactly realize it.

Lessons.

I hope you will always invest in things and people that make you feel good about life and who you are as a person. It’s really the only way to find who you were meant to be.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me