Therapy.

I spoke to the woman at the therapy center I found, that offers the EMDR treatment that I’ve been wanting to get.

She told me that even though they did accept my insurance; the particular therapist I enquired about, was not taking new patients and wouldn’t be any time soon.

At first I was bummed, because from what it looked like, that therapist was the only one at that office that offered the EMDR therapy.

I’m glad I took some deep breaths; and didn’t let my thinking get away from me on it. The next thing the woman told me, was that that was not the case. The main therapist of the whole place; was somewhat of a guru of EMDR it seems; and he would be back from vacation next week. After that they were going to be opening up the schedule, and they could then, get me in.

She put me on a waiting list, and said it would be anywhere from one to three weeks wait; and she would call me soon.

I’m relieved. In my mind I thought it was going to be way harder to get something set up; I’m glad I was wrong about that.

I’m glad I made the effort to get the ball rolling finally, and that I stopped focusing on the scariness factor of it all. I’m sure that fear will be an ongoing challenge, that I will have to continue to work through.

Fear has always held me; and held me back from all kinds of things I could have done in life.

I know now that those things can still come to fruition…..and fear is just an emotion that I should stop giving so much power to.

I am proud of myself for doing today. I am proud of myself for not feeling shameful about needing more coping skills. I am proud of myself for accepting the fact that it is ok to be an ongoing work in progress.

Progress is what counts; and the work to get there, I know I am capable of doing.

I am one year, three months, and twenty-two days sober; and I will be 47 years old, in a week.

I hope to see my children in the next weeks coming up to celebrate; but I think following through on this therapist thing, is equally as important of a Birthday gift to myself.

I know we all move in our own ways. Sometimes it takes less time than it would take someone else to make their move. Sometimes you have to learn how to make the move.

Sometimes you just have to jump in, and have faith that you are a strong swimmer; when you know for a fact that you are.

I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I will continue to be patient every day with myself; because I am my own friend; and a good one .

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What do you want from me? Respect my boundaries.

I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.

It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.

For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.

That hurts.

I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.

No. It’s not my problem.

The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.

I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.

It happened tonight.

People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?

In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.

It’s almost a given.

It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.

I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.

I’m not the one who screwed me over.

That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.

I know that.

Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.

You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.

I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.

Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.

I do not need or want to deal with any of you.

Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.

Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.

Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.

Respect my personal boundaries.

I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.

That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.

There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.

But you’re not.

You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.

This should not be hard to understand.

And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.

I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.

Friendship isn’t possible anymore.

Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.

I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.

I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.

I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.

I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.

I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.

And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Another Tuesday.

I have a therapy appointment today, which I need; because I’ve been acting out and feeling all hostile inside, out of frustration, anger and sadness. It’s not really a very good look on me anymore. I don’t like to escalate to this level.

It brings with it all kinds of unwanted judgement and accusations; and I’m unmotivated as fuck, to boot.

I wish I could have things the way I wanted them and not need to talk out my problems with a rent-a- friend. But I can’t have, and I do need it.

I’m grateful the option is there in my life, because I want to remain sober and moving forward. Two most important things.

Some day this void in me will close up; I hope.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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For Maddie, Christmas 2015.