A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Because it’s MEANT to be…

This house T and I have been working towards getting…                                                 


150 bucks away from the goal!

My Birthday is tomorrow. 

This is last challenge in reaching a huge goal that’s been very arduous to get done, but will be worth everything to say I did it; simply because I didn’t think at first it was achievable. 

I haven’t sold my camera. I haven’t gotten one dime from anyone. 

It is true if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. T and I deserve this win, and $150 bucks from now, we are going to be able to say we did it all by ourselves, together. 

THAT is something that is worth it’s weight in gold.

My Birthday present to myself, is to make sure we meet this goal. 

I’ll be taking my camera off of Ebay, and selling it outright locally instead. There’s been no traffic as expected, and I don’t care, I’ll just pawn it. 

Either way it’s going to be a Happy Birthday for me; because tomorrow isn’t going to be any ordinary day at all. 

This I know for sure.

120 days on the wagon today, and counting.

I can definitely dig that 🙂

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

Be Strong.

Since my son passed, my mother always tells me when we talk, that I am a such a strong person. 

Many times I feel like I let her down, because I don’t really feel so strong sometimes.

I wish I had a way to find the strength tonight, because I need some.  It still surprises me just how bad those kicks to the gut really hurt…and it shouldn’t by now at all. Perhaps it’s because I thought I was worth more than that to you… Perhaps it’s because I’ve known for a while now that I’m not, just by your actions.  This is my life, not a game.

I do know though, through my own personal struggles, that sometimes you just have to accept the fact that there are some instances that cannot be understood or fixed, and you have to move forward anyways.

I can only control myself, and I don’t have to put up with people hurting me anymore… and I WON’T.

At any rate, staying sober is the only thing on my agenda tonight because I am not about to Fuck my life completely up again.

I’m staying sober for ME tonight. And ME alone. At least I give a shit enough to be honest about that and with the ones I love. 

Today marks a month sober for me. 

I’m pissed off, and I’m out of herbal medication, so my anxiety is rocketing. 

I do not know what tomorrow will be, but tonight I sit in the cemetery and think of my son.

He would be 12 this year. May 3rd…7 days away.

Something I cannot understand or fix…It haunts me still.

Have a good night. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

        Dissappear Here

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I am alive.

I am an ever flowing stream that has no end.

Within me I carry the darkness and the light of my heart and soul.

I breath hope and strength, and every step I take forward leads me to the new; and new opportunities to love myself and those around me.

I have never known this peace before; and it suits me.

I will forge ahead with the tenacity and heart of a million men.

Nothing can stop me from being the best that I can possibly be.

I feel alive for the first time in years.

I am moving forward, and not looking back ever again.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

If It Was Easy

Sometimes I think I have a learning disorder. Seriously.

I remember just about everything that people do in my life, and I pick up on most things no problem at all when they interest me.

But sometimes I have to try to learn something; and it doesn’t matter how many times I read it, it just won’t sink in at all.

Such is the case for this Biology class I’m taking.  It’s going to kick my ass.  It’s like a job or something. I start reading about Mendelian Genetics, Binary Fusion and Mitosis, DNA Transcription, and by the end of it I don’t know what I’ve read at all and I just want to cry.  What the???  So I go back and re-read it 10 different times and I still don’t get it.  I wonder what is wrong with me.  It just makes me completely stressed out and afraid.

I’m afraid of failing. I have to at least get a high B in this class or I’m not going to be happy with myself at all. I think an A is out of the question, considering.

I think I’m going to have to break it down into week by week increments, or I might just freak out.

That doesn’t even begin to touch my computer dilemma; which I have to figure it out in 4 weeks or I’ll have issues getting into my next class. Being broke and needing something is one of the worst feelings I can possibly think of.  I hate it.

If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it; RIGHT?

At least I’m sober and not dead and have some goals. That’s the way I’m looking at it tonight. Off to bed.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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I DID IT.

I should have more faith in myself.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but it just wasn’t actually clear to me until I met my first goal tonight.  I DID IT.

AND I did it WELL.

I’m sober and I’m pulling a four point. And this was an A+ this time.

Final grades

There are some things in my life that could be better.  Financially I’m really struggling; but my rent is paid this month and I have food in my tummy.

My health could be better.  I think I will have to get my uterus removed and I am scared; but I am hopeful that it will not be cancer and I am SOBER.

That has to count for something.

It does to me and that’s all that matters.

I’ll worry about it as it comes.

I’m really proud of myself tonight on many levels.

I should have more faith in myself.

 J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear Here

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Rules of Engagement

There’s a voice in your head that tells you how it is;  knaws at your psyche; travels down into your belly and makes the stabbing, empty feeling that lingers always in you when you don’t want to believe something.

Fight or flight tells you to push it away; and so you do. Over and over and over. Kill the voice; kill the emptiness; kill yourself. You’re good at this; you can do that.

But you know how it is; because both your mind and gut tell you, and they are never wrong.

You decide one day when you are at your breaking point, that you are tired of the game you play with yourself. You also decide there is no point of trying to push it away anymore; because you are going nowhere fast.

You stop pushing it away and let it come into view. It is devastating, and the wounds are freshly ripped open daily. But you take it, because you’re a fighter.

You don’t like to feel hurt inside, so most of the time you spend your days trying to focus on other things to take your mind off of the obvious.

You allow yourself certain times to deal with the actual traumas, and deal with said traumas in a productive, positive fashion. (for the most part)

You form personal rules for yourself about how you will allow yourself to be treated by others; and how you will treat yourself.

You stick to those rules.

Twenty-one days becomes a habit, and the habit continues and sticks, because it makes you feel better about yourself as a person to be living your life this way.

You start to feel better and form some resemblance of a healthy esteem and life.

You live to die another day.

You will never give up.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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