I should be more upset that whenever I don’t say what people want me to, I get slammed over my mental health issues and sobriety.
I’m not though, because I know that people these days get excitable over pretty much anything (sometimes myself included), and it isn’t worth the time to take those words in as truth, when I know I am doing the work to stay sober, and emotionally am doing quite well.
The stigma of mental health is real, and if you have strong political views and talk about them on social media, it is even harder to live down your past struggles. It’s the first thing people zero in on if they don’t agree with you, or don’t understand you as a person.
People automatically think you are talking crazy. They automatically assume you are drinking again. They automatically assume you are spiraling down. They tell you that you are wrong in any fashion they care to. They discount you.
Even if your words make sense and are directed towards peace and stopping gun violence. Even if you are afraid of guns, don’t own one, can’t own one, and don’t want to own one.
I pulled away from Facebook again because I needed to.
After these last mass shootings, I took to my wall to let everyone know that I was tired of the gun issues in America, the mass shootings that have happened 251+ times just this year alone, the looking the other way so it continues to happen, and the fact that they sell guns in America to any seemingly normal person that wants one.
As you know, I moved from Dayton just a few weeks ago. What you also must know is that the mass shooting in Dayton was 15 minutes away from where I lived, and where my friends live as well. For some time I was worried that some of them could have been there; and I was worried.
After finding my friends were all safe, I then became angry. For over a week I posted numerous things on my wall about the mass shootings, gun control, videos on peace, finding peace and solutions, and also numerous opinions of others as well that justified my stance and supported it.
I figured I could do nothing but use my voice, and so I did.
I don’t regret it either.
It wasn’t until I was honest and admitted that I was tired of talking about gun control, had been talking about it too much and was going to focus on my family, friends, and job; that people started coming to me and asking me if I was ok.
I don’t much get it.
Although I more than appreciate the concern for my welfare (I DO), I have to say that I was taken back by the fact that people could be so worried over the fact that I am concerned about the way our country works and the way we always look the other way on every real issue there is.
I’ve decided that social media (Facebook in particular) is no longer a place of reason, and in reality, never was.
Most people are unwilling to have real discussions on ways to change anything.
It doesn’t matter what you say.
This week it solidified what I in essence, already knew.
I understand that mental health struggles are real. I do sometimes still struggle with depression and symptoms of PTSD myself.
But I don’t feel that wanting to feel safe in your own country without having to have a gun, and talking about it….is me being mental.
Social media, is in my opinion, a relevant starting point for change about the way we communicate and treat others in general.
I know I have work to do myself in that regard as well.
What it is for me personally regarding guns, is me being worried for the future of my children and yours, and I have every right to be.
It is not my cross to carry if people don’t understand that. At all.
Will I get locked away for not wanting a gun and for wanting my children and all people to feel safer? Pff. It’s just too much, and it doesn’t make sense to me at all.
I am not sure in the future if I will ever talk about politics in an open way again on facebook, because if people can’t even accept the talk of reason from me and inquire to see if I’m ok, then it seems all I am really truly doing is worrying people, and digging myself a social hole for people to imply that I am still sick.
It makes me sad mostly. That I can’t be myself.
It makes me sad that people potentially see me as sick again, because I have been open about my struggles, and I chose to speak up about my opinions on relevant topics and things going on in this country.
It makes me sad that people can think those things about me.
However, I think it is the price I pay for having conviction, principles, and passion. I think it is the price I pay for opening up my life online, to try to help others that struggle.
I am sitting on the porch of my sister’s house this morning with my dog and my coffee, writing this blog so that I can assure anyone that worries about me that I am not a threat to anyone, and that I am indeed ok. It is something I feel I need to do because, like I said, the stigma of mental health is very real. I feel it is my responsibility to assure people, because I do speak on a public platform about my struggles and life.
Today, I struggle because I want change in my country. I struggle because I know that it probably won’t come. I struggle because the only thing I fear in this world is losing another one of my children senselessly.
It is somewhat of a grieving process for me, letting go of the fact that I can do nothing; and there is nothing wrong with that.
This is what I want people to understand.
I also know, that you are what you focus on and that I can’t let that fear keep me from living. It isn’t, and does not.
I talk about things to process them, and to learn new ways of understanding within myself.
It is time for me to focus again on things that I CAN change in my life.
I am having real conversations with my kids and family for the first time in years. True friends too. It feels good to be loved for who I am, opinions and all.
People that know me in real life understand, and support me. They support my growth and the process I’m going through to become the best version of me.
Today I will focus on being mindful of the fact that I need to live despite what’s going on in this world and in my country. Despite the fact that I can do no relevant thing to change anything at all, except to change myself.
It is hard to be human. It is hard to be in a world that doesn’t make sense. I think it is hard for all of us, mental health struggles or not.
I still feel grateful for this life, and for the blessings that I am lucky enough to call mine.
I still have hope that in America, we will become kinder as a people and that we can work it out someday. Together. We are all in this life together, after all.
I will always be who I am and have opinions on things that affect me. I will never feel guilty or bad about my opinions on those topics ever again. I will not feel bad for being me. I made that promise to myself over three years ago, and I am sticking to it.
I did not in any way want to cause concern to people or hurt anyone’s feelings.
I will in the future, consider not talking about politics as much in general.
That’s just a consideration…not a promise.
For now I’m done talking. I’m focusing on living this life to the best of my ability, integrity, and being kind.
Mental health struggles do not always equate out to irrelevance, or active spiriling down. They are case by case, as anything is.
We also need to understand that it is ok to struggle, but that it is essential to ask for help if you feel like you are spiriling down.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME