Better Choices for a Better Life.

When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.

I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.

Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.

The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.

To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.

I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.

I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.

Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.

By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.

It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.

This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.

I wanted to die for SO long.

For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.

I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.

I did that.

That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.

I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.

I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.

I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.

One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.

These are the people that are no longer in my life.

Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.

With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.

The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.

You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.

I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.

It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.

I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.

I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Blow-by realization.

I find it a really good thing that my sober date anniversary came and went without me even noticing.

I hope to continue on my journey every day with diligence and find even greater understanding of myself in the future.

Today, I am for all intensive purposes, content.

I do not have every, single thing in my life in place and figured out.

What I do have is the willingness to keep learning and changing my thought processes, until they are no longer trauma-based.

I’m happy with my life right now, and I’m enjoying the fact that I can be who I am, without anybody telling me that it’s not good enough.

It is.

I am one year, seven months, and four days sober.

I am grateful every day, because I know I should be dead, and that’s just the basic *jist of everything.

I prefer to LIVE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Universe is trying to teach me today.

I think the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience today because I don’t think the day could have been anymore tripped up.

There have been SO many things that have gone wrong for me this Thursday, that I cried twice at work from stress, and once before I even went to work.

It’s not worth running down the list of BS at all, but I don’t like to cry, as we know.

My tears were not crazy tears at all and mostly quiet and to myself really; but the new guy at work did see me for a few seconds. I was embarrassed, naturally. I just pretended that I was fine and walked away.

I then got happy….and plowed through the rest of the day.

The real high lights were my dog babies at work; that helped a lot.

I have done a pretty awesome job of keeping it together today, and not losing my shit like I have in the past when things don’t go anyway but wrong for me.

It is not a new thing at all… the trip ups.

I do know I’m growing positively and not going backwards though.

Even though I did have a few “moments” today, I stayed pretty calm despite all of this crap I feel is testing me.

I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and I can’t deny it or avoid it.

I feel like I am dropping the ball sometimes, but also that I am trying as hard as I can not to.

That matters.

I wonder quite a bit just what the point is when some days it feels like all I do all day long is consistently talk myself down from completely losing it.

I know it’s what I have to do to get through it though.

I wonder if other people that are in recovery and in the process of rebuilding their lives ever feel this way; also if they talk about it.

I cannot be the only one.

I know I am using the tools I have and being honest about what’s going on with me, and that it is actually working to keep me focused on what I can do next to make my life better.

I want to say personal thank yous to Kayla, Elaina, and T for listening to me today and helping me get through my “moments”.

Yes i did say T. I think time does heal old wounds, and taking it as it comes doesn’t hurt either. It’s good to have my friend back again, without the pressure of anything else.

*On a side note: As for my social media frustrations, I have gone to my other account. It is much more positive with people that actually want to see me succeed. Only real friends there.*

Tomorrow will be a better day for me I’m sure. If not, I will get through that too. I believe that things will be if it’s meant to be.

I am one year, five months, and eleven days sober. I am living today instead of dying slowly.

I hope you will do the same friends.

Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

I have a social media love/ hate relationship.

This entry is only edited by my Grammarly keyboard. It’s a total off the top of my head post. *heads up*

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I’m taking another social media hiatus because I f’ ing hate social media, mostly.

I almost spelled out the entire swear word, but I’m trying to be more light and graceful these days with my words and actions. (What?)

I failed today already on that, by the way. I’m sure that’s so surprising to everyone.

I am currently trying to stop smoking on top of my social media annoyance, so my lack of nicotine isn’t helping with my mood. It’s been almost a day without anything but this vape. (“Vaping is bad”. I know, but it is better than smoking at this point, for me.)

I think I just might be one of the most anti-social people I currently know.

Social media makes me more so. I can barely stand it.

My current level of socialization is work, random strangers at the gas station and what not, and facebook.

I’m tired of the immature whining and straight up hate that IS social media. It’s also WAY too easy to partake in the ridiculousness of it all, and I end up feeling like shit the more time I spend on it.

I try to be as positive as I can, but there is always someone or something that will screws it up for me every time.

So, it’s about how I react and what I choose to do that will change it for me.

I choose to stay to myself, not comment or talk to people on social media directly, put my nose to the grind, and not stop.

The only real friends I have will be friends anyways.

Most of the people that follow me around the internet are just people wanting to see me fall, so they can do that without me being on facebook.

I’m saying it here because I’m not going on social media and being a diva for attention and the “don’t goes”.

I don’t care. I also know if I deactivate my account, ill have a whole new set of issues.

No one gives a shit if I’m there or not, and I am perfectly fine with that at this point.

It frees up space for me to worry about what really matters, like finding another job so I can pay my bills and not be homeless again.

Pretty sure nobody on facebook gives one care about that.

One thing I do know about this world. There are more negative people in it, than not.

I regret being part of that problem for so long, and sometimes still.

I work every day to try to be a better, more understanding, kinder, integrity driven person.

I hope some day I can feel like my life isn’t one big shit show, and I can actually help someone.

I think I need to really take a hard look at my social media everything, because it’s causing stress in my life more than anything else.

I don’t really know where I want to go from here. I do know I want it to be up in my higher thinking though; and I don’t think facebook is going to be something that will help me with that right now.

Thanks for reading.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

FU stinking thinking.

I haven’t felt like blogging or writing at all lately.

I guess mostly I don’t really see the point.

Feels like groundhog day, every day. Pretty much just going through the motions of life.

Working on goals that still seem unattainable right now for me; but working on the things I can to get there, none the less.

At the present time, I am frustrated in general. I am trying to be positive, but do not feel positive.

Still waiting for an EMDR appointment.

I am one year, four months, and nineteen days sober. Lately, I have had fleeting thoughts of drinking that should not be there. It is usually when I am feeling very emotional; and as I said it’s fleeting..because I already know the outcome.

It’s the fact that my brain does this to me, that makes me feel betrayed. Like, if I can’t even trust my own brain to not sabotage me when I’m feeling vulnerable, then who can I trust?

I have not drunk. I do not want to drink. I know that is what really counts.

Even though I know that these feelings are just feelings; just because my brain thought about it, I feel horrible.

Will I ever be able to say that I am actually free of this curse that I have carried for so long?

The answer is NO. I will never be free of it. Alcoholism and my addictive nature will always be something I am going to have to fight.

I wish that I could always feel strong inside instead.

I feel depressed when I feel like my brain is going backwards, because I don’t want to think about relapsing at all.

I do think that admitting it out loud that I am not always strong; is what is keeping me moving forward, and staying sober though.

My life was SO sad when I was drinking. I was a literal train wreck. I never want to go back there, ever.

The desperation I felt in active addiction made me want to die every day, and that’s NOT living.

I remember. Everyone does.

Today I can be proud of myself for holding steady, and staying focused on solutions, despite my stinking thinking and depression from it; and I know this.

I can be proud of myself for playing the entire record through and choosing not to drink, in those times that my brain said “Hey come on Jenni, remember the “good times”.

What good times?

There were never any truly good times while drinking; and there’s power for me, in knowing that.

It was all just a mask I wore to hide my pain. All of it. Masks.

It mostly consisted of drinking by myself, or with people who didn’t care about what happened to me at all.

I think of my children, my family, and all of my friends that have stood by me when I was so sick, and up until now… this day, still support my journey.

I know that this is just part of recovery process and that the unhealthy part of my brain is trying to escape out that locked door again up there. I’m not sorry to say that I don’t have time for that shit.

I know that life is what you make of it, and my sobriety is just the same.

I know I have to keep going forward if I want to get anywhere at all.

Even if I don’t know where that forward is leading me.

I know it’s surely not leading me back to my doom.

I won’t do that to ME, because my life means more to me than any drink ever could…

And so I will keep fighting it.

That’s all for today friends.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Weight

The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

So why you gotta’ go and sit on the weight?

What’s coming, who’s coming? I don’t know, aren’t you curious?

Why ya’ gotta’ go and have it all perfect before you leap?

You already know there is no net anyways, and you are the kind that always jumps.

What’s it going to take to get you off of this weight?

We need to move it, and let your life out for someone that will use it.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Mask

It’s a mask that we wear for the world to see

Because easy is easy and easy to be

In the dark with myself there is nowhere to hide

It is me and myself and myself and I

Open up and purge the hurt so that you may live

Give it everything that you’ve got to give.

The mask comes off and in truth you confide

Reality is better than living a lie

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME