What do you want from me? Respect my boundaries.

I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.

It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.

For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.

That hurts.

I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.

No. It’s not my problem.

The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.

I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.

It happened tonight.

People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?

In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.

It’s almost a given.

It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.

I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.

I’m not the one who screwed me over.

That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.

I know that.

Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.

You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.

I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.

Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.

I do not need or want to deal with any of you.

Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.

Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.

Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.

Respect my personal boundaries.

I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.

That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.

There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.

But you’re not.

You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.

This should not be hard to understand.

And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.

I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.

Friendship isn’t possible anymore.

Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.

I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.

I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.

I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.

I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.

I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.

And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Breathe no matter what.

Staying positive and breathing through anxiety is what I can do EVERY time.

I just got out of work a little while ago. I stopped to clear my mind a bit. Now I’m going home and taking a bubble bath. Then I’ll eat Chinese and watch a movie. My animals are going to love it. (LOL)

I work tomorrow morning at 6:30. Not a day off in sight.

Missing my kids; but knowing everything is fine; and will be somehow.

I’ve been doing a lot of test shots with my camera. I have things I want to work on. I hope that I can find the time to do that; I need a new tripod; so that will happen after work tomorrow.

I can only hope and believe that tomorrow will be great…

Go from there.

It’s maybe not the most glamorous life for me right now; but it is mine.

I am one year, two months, and twenty-two days sober.

EVERY day that makes me smile. 🙂

I hope your Sunday was peaceful; and you kept cool.

{Working for the weekend}, starts tomorrow.

Yeah; I know it’s a Loverboy lyric. It was intentional; and I’ll always be a lyric whore.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The next time you want to make an excuse to lie to yourself; READ THIS.

Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.

I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.

I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)

So…

My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.

I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.

“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.

If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.

NO.

If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.

#grateful #DOTHEWORK #noncoddledtipstostaysober

ONE Life.

I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.

I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.

Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.

Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.

I’m being true to myself today.

I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.

I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.

It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.

I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.

It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.

I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.

And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.

“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”

I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.

Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.

It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.

It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.

I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.

I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.

The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.

It’s getting better and better every day.

Patience….

Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.

I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………

When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.

There are things to still be grateful for, after all.

I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.

L

ove yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I am No Mother Theresa. A Free-writing piece.

Edited meme of a movie poster/Mother Theresa quote. Original source in image link.

I am no Mother Theresa.

I respect her fully though.

She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.

A “proper” role model.

I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.

I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.

Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)

Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….

Being a decent person, that is.

I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.

“To thine own self be true.”

Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.

For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.

I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.

I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.

I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.

I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.

Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.

It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.

Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…

I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.

I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.

We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.

It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.

I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.

It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.

You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.

I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.

I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.

Not true.

The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.

You hurt others with your negativity.

You hurt yourself.

Something in you, has to find a way to change.

It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.

It’s about what you think about yourself.

It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….

And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.

I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.

Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?

I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.

I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.

I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….

It IS, after all….ME.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What is Your Truth?

There is no point to say things out loud to someone, that you never intend on truly doing, or following through with.

I’ll tell you straight up; that there is no point in that at all.

It stands to reason that eventually the person you’re telling it to; learns that your actions don’t match your words; there’s a reason behind it; and it’s generally never a good one.

So why say it?

The point is: it’s only getting you NOWHERE….quick. Words are just words, without the actions behind them.

I’m finding that most people don’t get this concept at all… which is why I probably always talk about it.

In fact; I sometimes wonder what the point of trying to be a decent person even is; when so much of the rest of the world and the people in it; seem to act like it’s a curse to do the right thing, and to give an actual shit about other people and things.

It almost makes me boring…right?

But….I know that the reason I try so hard to be a positive force in this world now; is because I don’t base my actions on what other people think about me anymore. It’s also because for so long, I was like every other selfish asshole; who only thought about myself; what suited me, and what I could get…even though I knew I was most likely hurting others in the process.

I found out the hard way, that that is not a way to be.

It DOES matter.

You can’t have anything REAL or tangible; or a life that means something; when you are constantly taking and not giving back anything in return.

All you get is a steady, revolving door of people walking away from you.

I know.

That wasn’t something about myself, that I could live with anymore; or was proud of doing, or being like.

I got tired of feeling empty inside; and so I changed.

What does it matter?

It matters because the people I love matter. It matters because it makes me a better person inside; to treat others the way I want to be treated.

It matters because my life is better because of the fact that I changed my outlook on everything.

Who wouldn’t want that for themselves?

I am not always successful…don’t get me wrong.

But I do always strive to make my words match my actions now…which is something I never used to even worry about. I don’t think living truthfully is anything but a good thing.

I wish more people, would do the same; I really do. The world would be a much better place….and there would be less hurt in it.

Truth, and your actions mean everything in life. Without both; it simply isn’t real…and means nothing but the story you’re spinning.

I am 1 year, 6 days sober; and I don’t regret changing at all. That is something I can be grateful for…and I am every day I wake up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober is my Strength

I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.

It is a slower process than I would like.

I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.

What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.

I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.

I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.

To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.

Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.

I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.

I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.

I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.

Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.

The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.

The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?

The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.

To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.

I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.

I am grateful.

Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Employee of the month to management?

I forgot to document this, so I’m doing it now.

Last week I got employee of the month!!

WHAAAAT? Lol.

Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.

I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.

It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.

It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.

Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂

I like being happy.

There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.

I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.

Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.

I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.

I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.

The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.

I can’t really lose.

Good things come to those who put the effort in.

I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.

Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.

Wish me luck!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Focused on the DO

Today I’m focusing on focusing.

One of my biggest issues is DOING, because I’m easily distracted. I have to focus on focusing, or I won’t get anything done.

I don’t know why I’m like that; I am also changing it day by day with actions; because I don’t like that I’m like that. I’m sure it will continue to get better, if I keep moving forward and trying every day.

People do it all the time. I’m not special in that regard. I get what I put in.

FOCUS.

I’m happy to be feeling generally positive. A little anxious, but it’s normal. A lot to do to get to where I want to be with my life; and where I want to be with T, and our life together.

There doesn’t seem to be enough time to do it all.

Daily I work on the patience part of it, as well. It can be hard, but I know that change and goals take time to come to fruition. I can’t compare my time line to others.

Today is going to be a day that I will have to work at anyways; I cannot lie. I’m fine with that because it feels good to work…it’s my side projects; but I have a lot on my mind this morning as well…so in that way too, I will have to work.

I’m am going outside, and I’m going to enjoy the sun and take photos 🙂

I don’t know where I’m going with my photography; but I do know that I have the drive to make it a permanent extension of who I am as a person; in many regards.

My issue has always been financial (lack of). Also focus. (Focused on wrong things). Also time management. Also thinking I couldn’t do it. Not doing it.

I have to focus always….even on my days off…. to get to where I need to be, for me.

I’m just glad I can still be positive, and I have the motivation to try to spread that positivity. I have the belief in myself now, that I never did before.

Today I am spreading more than usual positivity on myself….because I need it 🙂

I’m admitting it fully because that’s OK.

I am eleven months, and eight days sober; and very grateful for that. I am grateful for my family and for T and for my friends that never left me, and believe in me.

That is a GOOD thing.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME