Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.
I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.
I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)
My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.
I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.
“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.
If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.
If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.
I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.
I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.
Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.
Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.
I’m being true to myself today.
I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.
I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.
It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.
I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.
It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.
I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.
And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.
“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”
I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.
Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.
It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.
It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.
I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.
I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.
The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.
It’s getting better and better every day.
Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.
I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………
When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.
There are things to still be grateful for, after all.
I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.
She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.
A “proper” role model.
I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.
I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.
Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)
Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….
Being a decent person, that is.
I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.
“To thine own self be true.”
Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.
For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.
I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.
I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.
I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.
I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.
Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.
It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.
Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…
I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.
I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.
We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.
It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.
I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.
It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.
You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.
I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.
I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.
The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.
You hurt others with your negativity.
You hurt yourself.
Something in you, has to find a way to change.
It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.
It’s about what you think about yourself.
It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….
And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.
I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.
Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?
I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.
I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.
I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….
There is no point to say things out loud to someone, that you never intend on truly doing, or following through with.
I’ll tell you straight up; that there is no point in that at all.
It stands to reason that eventually the person you’re telling it to; learns that your actions don’t match your words; there’s a reason behind it; and it’s generally never a good one.
So why say it?
The point is: it’s only getting you NOWHERE….quick. Words are just words, without the actions behind them.
I’m finding that most people don’t get this concept at all… which is why I probably always talk about it.
In fact; I sometimes wonder what the point of trying to be a decent person even is; when so much of the rest of the world and the people in it; seem to act like it’s a curse to do the right thing, and to give an actual shit about other people and things.
It almost makes me boring…right?
But….I know that the reason I try so hard to be a positive force in this world now; is because I don’t base my actions on what other people think about me anymore. It’s also because for so long, I was like every other selfish asshole; who only thought about myself; what suited me, and what I could get…even though I knew I was most likely hurting others in the process.
I found out the hard way, that that is not a way to be.
It DOES matter.
You can’t have anything REAL or tangible; or a life that means something; when you are constantly taking and not giving back anything in return.
All you get is a steady, revolving door of people walking away from you.
That wasn’t something about myself, that I could live with anymore; or was proud of doing, or being like.
I got tired of feeling empty inside; and so I changed.
What does it matter?
It matters because the people I love matter. It matters because it makes me a better person inside; to treat others the way I want to be treated.
It matters because my life is better because of the fact that I changed my outlook on everything.
Who wouldn’t want that for themselves?
I am not always successful…don’t get me wrong.
But I do always strive to make my words match my actions now…which is something I never used to even worry about. I don’t think living truthfully is anything but a good thing.
I wish more people, would do the same; I really do. The world would be a much better place….and there would be less hurt in it.
Truth, and your actions mean everything in life. Without both; it simply isn’t real…and means nothing but the story you’re spinning.
I am 1 year, 6 days sober; and I don’t regret changing at all. That is something I can be grateful for…and I am every day I wake up.
Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?
I am trying.
At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.
I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.
It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.
The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.
I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?
It is a way of life now for me.
I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.
I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.
All of the unsafe situations I put others in.
All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.
It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.
I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.
I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.
I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.
My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.
I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.
I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.
It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.
Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Love yourself too please.
I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.
I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.
It is a slower process than I would like.
I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.
What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.
I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.
I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.
To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.
Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.
I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.
I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.
I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.
Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.
The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.
The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?
The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.
To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.
I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.
I am grateful.
Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.
Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.
I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.
It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.
It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.
Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂
I like being happy.
There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.
I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.
Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.
I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.
I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.
The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.
I can’t really lose.
Good things come to those who put the effort in.
I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.
Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.
One of my biggest issues is DOING, because I’m easily distracted. I have to focus on focusing, or I won’t get anything done.
I don’t know why I’m like that; I am also changing it day by day with actions; because I don’t like that I’m like that. I’m sure it will continue to get better, if I keep moving forward and trying every day.
People do it all the time. I’m not special in that regard. I get what I put in.
I’m happy to be feeling generally positive. A little anxious, but it’s normal. A lot to do to get to where I want to be with my life; and where I want to be with T, and our life together.
There doesn’t seem to be enough time to do it all.
Daily I work on the patience part of it, as well. It can be hard, but I know that change and goals take time to come to fruition. I can’t compare my time line to others.
Today is going to be a day that I will have to work at anyways; I cannot lie. I’m fine with that because it feels good to work…it’s my side projects; but I have a lot on my mind this morning as well…so in that way too, I will have to work.
I’m am going outside, and I’m going to enjoy the sun and take photos 🙂
I don’t know where I’m going with my photography; but I do know that I have the drive to make it a permanent extension of who I am as a person; in many regards.
My issue has always been financial (lack of). Also focus. (Focused on wrong things). Also time management. Also thinking I couldn’t do it. Not doing it.
I have to focus always….even on my days off…. to get to where I need to be, for me.
I’m just glad I can still be positive, and I have the motivation to try to spread that positivity. I have the belief in myself now, that I never did before.
Today I am spreading more than usual positivity on myself….because I need it 🙂
I’m admitting it fully because that’s OK.
I am eleven months, and eight days sober; and very grateful for that. I am grateful for my family and for T and for my friends that never left me, and believe in me.
I am many things; but a warrior of heart, I truly am.
There are not many things that I have on my list, of things I’ve done right in my life; but I made a choice to change that a bit back, and really work hard towards some personal goals; my sobriety being one of them.
I am 11 months, and 3 days sober today; and so is T.
Sober life is still a daily thing to live…and always will be for me. I do feel like though; if I never drank again…that would be more than just fine with me.
I don’t much think about the good times of my partying days anymore like I used to; because I choose to focus on the fact that it ruined my life more than anything else. I ruined my life.
That thought keeps me from sliding backwards. I’m not about to do that again at all.
I guess my real point is; is that it’s quite the opposite feeling of when I was 25 years old, and had just gotten my first DUI, after driving home from the bar with my girlfriend.
At the time, I could not imagine my life without alcohol, and didn’t want to. Didn’t think I had a drinking problem AT ALL. Truth is, I was on the corner drinking hard alcohol with my boyfriend, when I was 13 years old. So………yeah.
If I could have seen the future of the course my life would take; I’m positive I would have not believed it; and would have fucked my life up anyways. Maybe not; but probably. I don’t think I ever had the proper life skills to not F it up, to be completely honest. That might sound sad to some; and I’m fine with that; because it’s the truth.
I still knew right from wrong though, so I can’t fully blame it on that… Still, yeah; I really had no clue about anything; and I chose to live in chaos until I couldn’t anymore.
The one thing I know about addicts; is that they cannot be reached, until they want to be reached. This is almost always after there is nothing left to salvage of the persons esteem or life.
A desperate clinging to the drug of choice, until the drug of choice has betrayed the addict for the last time, and it is either VICES and DEATH…..or LIFE.
The addict mind will always be an addict mind. But you can teach your mind to focus on things that are good for your life, instead of bad.
The choice really is YOURS to make, and I think that’s what’s so hard for people with mental disorders and addictions to understand; because we often have felt/do feel powerless…controlled….like we had/have no choice OR voice in the matter.
YOU DO YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU DO HAVE A VOICE.
IN FACT, YOU; are the only one that can determine what your life will be.
I am sober today, because I choose to be. I choose to listen to my inner loving voice, because it protects me from my addict voice; and that voice is not something I want to engage with…it causes me to hurt myself and others.
My addict voice had my loving voice locked away for a long, long time; and it was not until I turned the lock on my addict voice, that my loving voice was set free…and started to love me again….and I started actually living for the first time in my life. I forgave myself. I loved myself enough to believe I deserved some things that were GOOD for a change.
And the change started…
I’m proud of myself, and of T.
I’m proud of every, single addict that ever stopped themselves from themselves…and chose to LIVE instead of dying slowly.
You are an inspiration and motivation to me. Thank you.
It’s the classic Seinfield episode, that most accurately fits my holiday celebrations; and/or, lack thereof; depending on the year and how I’m feeling. Festivus…It’s the safest Holiday greeting to give; if you don’t want to get beat up or shunned this Holiday season. (*Huge sarcasms) (I’m laughing as I type this)
Christmas used to be a time that I was excited for every year. When I was a child, I’d literally make myself sick with excitement; and I could never sleep well Christmas eve, because of it. My mother still refers to those days sometimes…and we always have a laugh about it…because seriously, I was a total dork back then too, as well; whoda’ *thunk it.
Yes; I do have good memories of Christmases past. Memories of my childhood, and memories of my kid’s childhood Christmases too.
As I’ve gotten older, and am also divorced now; I’m no longer involved with my kids Christmas mornings. I’m grown as well. So what used to be a really special time of year for me, has morphed into a rather take it or leave it holiday instead. It’s just another day to me really; except everything’s closed. Not to mention the over-commercialization; and the obvious over-inflation of the idea, that you must spend money to excess. It starts sooner and sooner every, single year. People act more desperate and “Scroog ish” as well. To me that is frustrating; and also sad. It’s not about the Black Friday deals…
My Christmas changed to Festivus because of it.
It suits me better.
I don’t know. I guess this year I’m just happy to be able to celebrate with T; and to know my kids had a wonderful holiday; because I know they did. I don’t have grievances that I’d really like to share…most are internal struggles, and not really grievances at all.
This year I am sending my friends and family some candies I made, that have my own Festivus Jenni touch on them. I’m considering doing more of these in the future to sell (this is just one idea); but I thought I’d do a trial run first on the “immediates”. Haha.
I also made a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my son Karter’s name. I try to do that every year; because I know without their support, my son could have never gotten the care he needed in Detroit or Cleveland. At that time, we were a new family, and just doing the best we could financially. We were able to stay with the Ronald McDonald house while in those hospitals; and it really did take a big financial/mental burden off of us because of it. We were able to focus on more important things; like my son’s future care and treatments.
I will always be grateful for the Ronald McDonald house; and I look forward every year to donating, so other families that need help, can focus on healing as well. It makes the holidays better for me.
Here is the link, if you are so inclined. It truly will help people who need it.
I did not have a pole this year like a regular Festivus celebration; and my feats of strength consisted of lifting and moving a lot of dogs at work, and whatever yummy goody I could manage to shove in my mouth. I got to talk to my kids; and I was happy to be with T and his family today; and happy to know that T and I are celebrating one year together; AND 9 months sober today as well. That’s a Festivus gift we both gave to ourselves, and the people we love. We worked for it; and continue to do soevery day, because it will always matter most.
Also, if you ever want to look at a cool light display, check out Light up Middletown, if you’re ever in my neck of the woods next Season. It’s awesome!
That’s about it, and what counts this season, in my world right now.
I hope wherever you are, and whatever you are doing and did this year to celebrate; it truly was and will be festive and beautiful for you.
I mostly say Happy Festivus to people; because it saves me time from dealing with the PC people of the world, that have to have their Christmas greeting worded in such a way, that it suits their beliefs/religion.
Festivus knows no boundaries, and is ALL inclusive. 🙂
I think it’s safe to say, that it really doesn’t matter how you say it; as long as you remember what truly matters in the holiday season, and really always. That is kindness; family and loved ones; giving of yourself in any regard that is positive, and in any capacity; and to remember that gifts come in many different forms. Just being there for someone and valuing them when they really need you, is probably one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone…and is FREE.
Happy Festivus for the rest of us, and all that jazz. I hope your holidays are amazing.