Days are Getting Chilly

I guess lately more than anything I’m wondering what the winter will bring. By that I mean I hope it won’t be depression.

It’s funny sometimes when you’ve spend most of your life in a certain mindset. I try so hard to stay mindful of my mental health; but I know every Winter comes and brings with it the cold and dreariness that I absolutely loathe in every way.  I’m literally terrified to slip back again into the abyss that is my negative mindset; because I simply don’t do very well in the winter months, and never have.

Sounds so ridiculous maybe, but true.

Currently, I separate past and present self. There is the new me, and there is the old me. The old me of course was not healthy in any way. I was weak, unhealthy, destructive and selfish…stuck in my head always. It wasn’t a way to be.  Winter makes it worse.

The way I am now is who I’ve become from pure determination and work. I prefer it. I live a hopeful, mostly positive life now…but I am still me. There is still the Jenni devil that rears her ugly head on occasion.

I say that like it’s a damnation or something, but that’s how I feel sometimes. It never really goes away.

My hope for this season is to meet my personal goals and to become a better influence/role model in my children’s lives.

I’d like to think I will continue to grow and move forward…but I can’t help but fear that I’ll ruin it all, by just being Jenni…and because I’m used to being sad in the winter; I’ve never tried not to be.

I guess it’s best to admit I have the fear. My therapist says

a healthy fear is good to have, it’s what I choose to do with that fear that counts.

Of course she’s right.

I’m choosing to admit that I’m not invincible. I’m choosing to allow myself to be OK with the fact that  I’m not always strong. I’m choosing to not let this fear of slipping scare me into stopping altogether, just because I’m used to feeling shitty this time of year.

In the end I can’t fast forward anything. I can only take it as it comes and try to motivate the parts of me that want to tuck away and hide from the world.

Some day I hope I can afford to travel to warm every year when the snow comes, or relocate all together. I really think in the future I’ll be considering it strongly again. When my kids get older, perhaps they will want to come stay sometimes too. I don’t know. I realize that’s way down the line.

The very near future however will bring crappy weather, so I guess I’m just going to find ways that it won’t affect me so much. Perhaps light therapy, generally improving my exersize regimine, and adding more positive…maybe increased therapy for a few months; anything that will get me out of being worried that I’ll slip.

I continue to live by the words of Robert Frost:

The only way ’round, is through.

Through for me isn’t very easy most times. I know I’m not alone.

I am 54 days sober. (Silver lining)

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I am alive.

I am an ever flowing stream that has no end.

Within me I carry the darkness and the light of my heart and soul.

I breath hope and strength, and every step I take forward leads me to the new; and new opportunities to love myself and those around me.

I have never known this peace before; and it suits me.

I will forge ahead with the tenacity and heart of a million men.

Nothing can stop me from being the best that I can possibly be.

I feel alive for the first time in years.

I am moving forward, and not looking back ever again.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Balance

Hush your mind.
Find your center.
Remember the good.
Remember peace in your heart.
Close your eyes.
Remember peace in your heart.
Just breath.
Feel your breath come in and go.
Just breath.
Remember the good.
Don’t let this stress get to you.
You can let it go.
Remember the good.
Just breath.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me
           ~Dissappear Here~

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

I Will Eat You Alive

Just start at the beginning.

The beginning of what?

The beginning of today.

What happens when I get to the end?

Start over.

All you have is today,  you know.

Or not.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Another Note to Self

I have to keep remembering that I can’t compare myself to other peoples’ lives.
This is my life and my own path. It will work out the way it is meant to work out. I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and sometimes it won’t happen exactly the way I want it to; or overnight.

I spent a lot of years damaging myself and it’s going to take some time to get to the end goal. Remember that. I have made great strides this past year and tomorrow is another day to continue on with more. Remember that too.

Love yourself Jenny because you deserve it and not every day is going to be an up one. Be grateful for what you have.

Now is the time to sit down, go over your plan again, and revise it to your life TODAY. You make your own way; let nothing stop you.

It will be ok. Believe it.

Don’t give up.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Affirmations. Because I Need to Focus on Today.

Live for things you know to be true and real. This idea of “what could have been” is drowning you. Never was; never could be.

Focus on those who want to be in your life and show it. You do the same; it matters most.

You have more to offer than some people will ever see; that doesn’t mean you’ll never get anywhere, or you’ll never be happy, and that you don’t deserve to be.

Forward is the only direction that’s going to get you anywhere.

You know the drill.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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