Days are Getting Chilly

I guess lately more than anything I’m wondering what the winter will bring. By that I mean I hope it won’t be depression.

It’s funny sometimes when you’ve spend most of your life in a certain mindset. I try so hard to stay mindful of my mental health; but I know every Winter comes and brings with it the cold and dreariness that I absolutely loathe in every way.  I’m literally terrified to slip back again into the abyss that is my negative mindset; because I simply don’t do very well in the winter months, and never have.

Sounds so ridiculous maybe, but true.

Currently, I separate past and present self. There is the new me, and there is the old me. The old me of course was not healthy in any way. I was weak, unhealthy, destructive and selfish…stuck in my head always. It wasn’t a way to be.  Winter makes it worse.

The way I am now is who I’ve become from pure determination and work. I prefer it. I live a hopeful, mostly positive life now…but I am still me. There is still the Jenni devil that rears her ugly head on occasion.

I say that like it’s a damnation or something, but that’s how I feel sometimes. It never really goes away.

My hope for this season is to meet my personal goals and to become a better influence/role model in my children’s lives.

I’d like to think I will continue to grow and move forward…but I can’t help but fear that I’ll ruin it all, by just being Jenni…and because I’m used to being sad in the winter; I’ve never tried not to be.

I guess it’s best to admit I have the fear. My therapist says

a healthy fear is good to have, it’s what I choose to do with that fear that counts.

Of course she’s right.

I’m choosing to admit that I’m not invincible. I’m choosing to allow myself to be OK with the fact that  I’m not always strong. I’m choosing to not let this fear of slipping scare me into stopping altogether, just because I’m used to feeling shitty this time of year.

In the end I can’t fast forward anything. I can only take it as it comes and try to motivate the parts of me that want to tuck away and hide from the world.

Some day I hope I can afford to travel to warm every year when the snow comes, or relocate all together. I really think in the future I’ll be considering it strongly again. When my kids get older, perhaps they will want to come stay sometimes too. I don’t know. I realize that’s way down the line.

The very near future however will bring crappy weather, so I guess I’m just going to find ways that it won’t affect me so much. Perhaps light therapy, generally improving my exersize regimine, and adding more positive…maybe increased therapy for a few months; anything that will get me out of being worried that I’ll slip.

I continue to live by the words of Robert Frost:

The only way ’round, is through.

Through for me isn’t very easy most times. I know I’m not alone.

I am 54 days sober. (Silver lining)

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

If It Was Easy

Sometimes I think I have a learning disorder. Seriously.

I remember just about everything that people do in my life, and I pick up on most things no problem at all when they interest me.

But sometimes I have to try to learn something; and it doesn’t matter how many times I read it, it just won’t sink in at all.

Such is the case for this Biology class I’m taking.  It’s going to kick my ass.  It’s like a job or something. I start reading about Mendelian Genetics, Binary Fusion and Mitosis, DNA Transcription, and by the end of it I don’t know what I’ve read at all and I just want to cry.  What the???  So I go back and re-read it 10 different times and I still don’t get it.  I wonder what is wrong with me.  It just makes me completely stressed out and afraid.

I’m afraid of failing. I have to at least get a high B in this class or I’m not going to be happy with myself at all. I think an A is out of the question, considering.

I think I’m going to have to break it down into week by week increments, or I might just freak out.

That doesn’t even begin to touch my computer dilemma; which I have to figure it out in 4 weeks or I’ll have issues getting into my next class. Being broke and needing something is one of the worst feelings I can possibly think of.  I hate it.

If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it; RIGHT?

At least I’m sober and not dead and have some goals. That’s the way I’m looking at it tonight. Off to bed.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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FROM WITHIN

I am trying so hard to remain positive.

I want to give up. I want to give in.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The thoughts are fleeting, but very real.

I am afraid of what the future holds for me.

I don’t want to fail.

This is what I do to myself every time I feel uncertain.

JUST BREATHE. DIG IN. FEEL IT.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS YOU WILL BE O.K.

You know this is just your Doppelganger side telling you “you can’t”

YOU CAN.

Believe in yourself Jenny, you’re the only one that can.

Some day you’ll look back on this moment and be proud you didn’t give up.

YOU’RE STRONG. YOU CAN DO AND GET THROUGH ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO.

BELIEVE IT; BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.

You must find it from within.

 The person you fight is yourself.

Listen to your voice; but make friends instead.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

doppelganger

YOU

I feel lost without you.

I know it is a sickness in me that I must work to cure.

Every day.

There is a part of my soul that is gone now.

I cry for you.

I long for you until my tears blind my vision and I have to shut my eyes.

I feel you in my heart and always will.

I know you’re not coming back to me.

Sometimes I wonder if you were ever really there to begin with.

I still see you in my dreams and we are together again.

My heart is broken and cannot be fixed.

If there is such a place as another world, I hope to see you there.

Dream of me.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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An amulet she wears around her neck to guard her from the darkness of her soul.

The notion that she could be good in this life is a choice that she makes; for it is far easier to fall away and let the numbness take over and to live in untruths and non realities.

She walks the line of expectations she makes for herself so she can be happy and walk in the light of true consciousness.

She feels weak; but she is strong.

She feels empty; but he is on her shoulder.

She feels lost; but she is finding her way.

She reaches for the amulet around her neck; breaths in and then exhales.

It is still there; And so is she.

J. Rounds ©2014 ~Peaces of Me

~HELLO~

:/

Sometimes I’m weak. I hate it.

On particularly hard nights when I am scared and feeling quite vulnerable; such as tonight; I am all but pounded in the face with the realization that there is no one to hold me, or tell me that things will be ok.

I miss that.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me