Turning a page

There’s something freeing about seeing the truth for what it is, shutting the door, locking it, and throwing that key as far as you can possibly throw it.

Turning a page.

I felt bad for a little while earlier, but it took someone whom I never expected, to make me see how I could really decide what was right for me and that I was the only one that could do it.

Thank you. You’re right as well. About everything.

Earlier I got some rather stark reality and I was beside myself. But I see it for what is worth now; and what I have ahead of me to do.

I know I am moving forward in the right direction, and making positive progress in my life every day. I know I struggle with mental health issues, and I know in order to be a positive influence in my kids life, I have to let go of all my crutches and negative influences in my life.

Turning a page is sometimes not very easy. Especially when it has been stuck on the page for way too long.

Tonight I start another chapter in my life, and tomorrow will be the first time in a long time that I will finally know for certain where I am going.

And that is forward to a future that is peaceful and happy. I’m staying on the path I’ve set for myself.

This day is significant in my life, because I finally decided enough was enough.

Eventually everything will work out. I’m positive.

Anyone that knows me knows I can do anything I set my mind to.

I’m going to be just fine.
I’m also happy that I know this; and glad that I can’t find the key. I never even looked for it.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

An ever morphing thing called letting go.

I realized that the only person who has to hear me, is me.

There are a million different things I would like to tell you; but you never wanted to listen, so I just stopped trying.

I don’t feel bad about that. For it not working out? Yes. But not for saying enough is enough.

I am not all to blame.

Your stories just keep getting more and more outlandish, and it makes me feel kind of stupid that I’ve stuck around for as long as I have.

I wanted to believe so bad it was you and me, but it’s not.

I don’t need that anymore. I need someone who’d never give up on me, and knows my worth despite the demons I fight.

I need me.

My resentment is turning to motivation. I’m motivated to remain happy no matter what.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting.

I’ve been doing well.

Had a little bit of a glitch today but that was more amusing at the tail- end than anything, so I can’t complain.

My Birthday is in two days and I am broke, but I’m pretty used to that, so I’ll make it work.

I intend to do something fun; I’m  not sure yet what, but it will be  memorable. Perhaps I’ll lay out under the stars and contemplate my blessings in life that I do have. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I learned a lot today about what I’m willing to give up, and for whom. Only things I fight for now are my sobriety, my mental health, and I hope some day, my kids again.

I feel happy and at peace in myself. Today was a good day.

I also know now that anyone being openly disrespectful to me, isn’t going to like me too much afterwards.

I don’t care. Don’t be disrespectful then.

All is fair in love and war. And war. Especially when the person doesn’t know you from Adam 🙂

Love yourself.

J. Rounds (C )2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Some Rhetorical Bullshit

Isn’t life about being fucking happy? It is; and I intend to be just that. I’m sick of it.

I struggled to name this entry because basically, it’s just some stuff I figured out.

Some changes are coming for me. Again. I can feel it. I know because it is the same feeling every time whenever I learn more about myself, or someone else, and can start to make proper decisions again. I do a lot of internalizing and I feel stuck a lot. I’m trying to do the right thing, be a better person; but I’m broken, proud, stubborn, and very unfortunately have my real father in me. I struggle frequently to get to the answers of my life. Some people like to play on that fact as well.

Basically at this point in my life  I’m opening up my wounds one by one, and cleaning them out properly before I lose a limb or my future happiness.

What would you do to be happy?

I want to live and be a good person and help people. Love my children and the man I love, and take care of them in whatever way I can; and my cat Poe too.  I want to have a simple, sweet life with a couple of best sellers and something going on with my photography, and a garden atrium. Travel sometimes. I’d be very happy with that; that’s my happy.

I have to make the sacrafices and changes to have that. I have to get people away from me that are directly trying to hurt me too. Which is really my point. It’s going to be hard. The more I learn about people and their psyches, the more I learn how people really are; including myself. Sometimes it’s beautiful. But more for me it is mostly terrifying, and at the same time sad.

It is hard to look into yourself and try to fix you. Most don’t even know they have a problem. I know I do. When you admit it openly people point fingers.

People will pose as friends, but a lot in reality just like to watch you struggle, because it makes them feel better about themselves somehow.  They think you don’t know, but you do. And for me if I don’t I always figure it out. Usually too late. After damage is done and I’ve hurt myself again by trusting; THE WRONG PEOPLE.

I HATE TO FLIP YOUR FLAP JACKS HATERS; BUT THOSE CHANGES ARE STARTING TO COME FOR ME.

So I don’t know what you’re all going to do.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Things We Cannot Change

I’ve learned to expect less of people, because the disappointment I used to feel in others, was becoming unbearable.

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing, but because of this I generally feel numb inside; otherwise known as walls up.
It’s nothing new, I have said it before.

I have finally put the time into myself instead; and have decided that people can’t really affect me, unless I let them.  I am finally becoming much smarter in the way I see others now.

People treat me like I am stupid and don’t have the right to have feelings, way more than they should; and I get tired of it. I’m also tired of being used emotionally and financially in negative ways and lied to openly, by people that should know better.

I’m blocking those people out of my life now.

One by one.
My walls are still up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Momma

I believe my mother loves me and always will.

I was an unruly child and always into things.

I used to crawl out of my window and get into all kinds of mischief.

I was worse as a late teenager.

She was always there for me. She always did the best she could, and for that, I will always be grateful.

It took me until just last year to even realize this.

I will never be the mother she is.

I love you momma. Thank you.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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GO FOR IT.

Life passes by and you find yourself missing out on things and opportunities, because you were afraid of others peoples’ opinions and reactions, or you didn’t have enough faith in yourself, or those around you.

The thing is you’re missing out.

You have to take the chance and believe, or you’ll just never find out what could be and always wonder.

Judge me all you want, but I’m a good person.

I’m going for my goals no matter what anyone else says.

I’m happy in my skin, and believe in me.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Scar

In the end it was a cold formal rerun of the obvious; the circumstances the same.

The facts realized that it was to be: accept blame that was not hers to take,  or walk away.

She walked away.

Someone claimed to love her, but was not willing to meet her half way;  there is no love worth that.

Compromising who you are, to enable someone else…is not healthy, nor is it a loving relation.

Walking away was like setting fire to part of her soul.

A part that would always bear the scar.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me
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