Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Even Ground…and solidifying a foundation.

I feel as close to “normal” today, as I’ve probably ever felt since I’ve been in Ohio.

I’m gonna’ take that, Alllll day; thank you.

As you’ve maybe read; I had been riding the emotional wave lately, for a good bit… for many valid reasons.

When I decided to come here to Ohio, it was because I didn’t see the point of staying in PA, when I knew I wanted to be with T. There was nothing keeping me at all where I was.

What I didn’t really expect, is how hard it would actually be. The idea of a life together and the reality of living life together…has been…two totally different things. 

It has been major work, and lots of stress. SO many good times…but also lots of shit. A lot has happened in a rather short period of time. 

I left everything I had aquired, besides my personals and cats; I moved into T’s house; I detoxed from all my synthetic meds; we became sober, and still work to stay that way daily; a lot of things and people have been put where they belong because they aren’t healthy outlets to have around, and don’t care at all about our actual well-being; a lot of uncertainties about major things have come up…

There is more work to do; and I’m sure at points, more stress to come as well.

We both struggle with fear of failure, and lives that have been pretty messed up…addictions, bipolar, childhoods that have been traumatic, stupid shit we’ve done to ourselves and each other….yadda,yadda.

Yeah, in theory the thought was WAY easier than what the actual reality has been.

I realized last night, that the “honeymoon” is over; and after talking last night with T, I saw our relationship for what it was…

When I think about where I would be if I hadn’t of come here, I think it comes down to me living vs. not living. 

In PA, I wasn’t really living.

I was just finally falling into the fact that I would always be on the system in some way, and always on some form of synthetic medication to cope with myself. I was in therapy with a therapist that did absolutely nothing for me but keep me in meds., and push me towards taking more. Then she quit, and I had to face the option, of starting over again; and staying in the same useless cycle of “pseudo safe”. I began relapsing; more than I wanted to admit. I was having horrible side effects and health issues from the meds I was on, and I was scared for my physical health in the future. I was dealing with an abusive, online relationship that I could not seem to end.

I didn’t think I’d ever find it in me, to open up to anyone really; let alone a male; ever again. One day I just decided that if I ever wanted a relationship again, and the kind of relationship I wanted…I would simply have to.

I did prefer to be alone most times, but I didn’t want to be alone forever….because I knew I had love to give; and wanted to give it to someone special; I wanted to “live” like that again.

One day I posted something really depressing about myself on Facebook…

I have over 550 “friends”, and over 850 people following every single move I make on there…

T was the only one to message me, to see if I was alright, and if I wanted to talk. I needed someone, and he was the only one that cared enough to care; and that’s “T”, in a nutshell. 

I love him more than I could express.

We talked for hours and hours that night (I mostly talked, and he listened) and that was the beginning of “us”, and our friendship that grew into a life together. 

We have told each other the darkest parts of ourselves; and in doing so, over this past year and a half or so of knowing him; we’ve grown together in a way, that I know not either one of us expected.

At times I know it was a choice for both of us to stay in, and keep trying…because we both can be total assholes when we don’t actively try to control ourselves. We found that out quick, and we don’t go there anymore.

I am SO proud of him, and the both of us; for staying sober like we have. I know without each other, we wouldn’t have chose to do it. We care about each other too much, to let each other live in that demon-filled place in our heads anymore, and for that I will always be grateful. 

I know that he is there for me; and I know he knows I’m there for him too.

You can’t give something like that up, because it was more work than you’d thought it would be.

THIS IS LIFE….NOT FACEBOOK.

It’s a concious choice to keep growing together, and moving forward together at this point.

I don’t think it will end, and I don’t want it to.

I always wonder why things work the way they work, but I know that I wasn’t looking for anything at all…. and then T came into my life…and I came into his. 

We found each other when we were supposed to, I think.

I believe that true, open communication is the only thing that could ever keep a relationship strong and healthy.

So for as hard as it has been; we have always, always been able to communicate. Sometimes it can be tricky at first; but it always comes; and I’ve never been able to do that in a healthy way, in any other relationship that I’ve ever had. 

I always hid myself in some way, because I didn’t think anybody could ever truly care about me, as a person, like that. 

He makes me feel alive, and encourages me to just be who I am. Everybody else has tried to shove me in a box that I have no way of fitting, because I’m not made to be kept in boxes.

He’s not afraid of my strengths, and doesn’t judge my weaknesses, because he’s been there too; and we both have both in us.

He’s simply the best thing in my life…and pushes me to be better.

I feel better because I know that as long as we keep trying together and communicating, we’re going to keep growing together, and becoming better people together; and in ourselves as well. 

We push each other to become better people. I can’t see that being NOT worth it. 

It IS worth it.

To me, all of this, has been worth it. Like I said it just clicked for me last night; I was thinking about it in a totally  different way, than I should have  been. 

I decided to add up all the positives, instead of the negatives…and that’s made all the difference.

It’s just good to feel good again about “us”; because I was unsure about a lot of things, and now I’m not. I also always promised myself, that I would never let our relationship get, to the point where it could not be fixed. 

We were friends first, and he is my bestist…he means too much to me to lose him.

I’m pretty sure he feels the same.

I know, that I still have a lot of work to do on letting go of some things that bother me inside.  I also know that everything T and I have gone through in these last months…proves that we can indeed get through just about anything if we put our minds to it. 

WE HAVE. We WILL.

I need to do my part too.

I’m glad I started remembering that again.

There was a comment on my last blog, about how “love was “work”, but it was the best kind of work to do.” 

I agree. The feeling I get, every time I see this man smile, makes me want to always be there for him, with him,…and never let him down, ever. 

I am blessed to have him in my life, and without him I know it’d never be the kind of life, that I’d want it to be. 

Truth and Communication is everything; so is being happy  and healthy in the life you lead. 

Every day I am alive, I will fight for that; for my children; and for him. 

This I know for sure. It’s the only thing that matters to me now. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

 

The title goes here. Free writing.  

There is no pre-determined guarantee for relationships.

Love is often confused with many other things, but when it is real; the “feel it in your bones” feeling of love, never goes away.

It is always there despite, no matter what the situation…. for better or worse.

It’s waiting in the back of me every time; to love again; when the trials of our lives ease up, and I come back down to reality. I cannot stop the feeling no matter how hard I try to, and you will have to make me hate you, to get me to stop.

That’s ME fully, that’s HOW I AM. That’s how I love.

Please don’t make me hate you.

I have always loved hard.

I fall too easily, I trust too easily, I believe what people tell me too easily….all the time…I always have. 

I like to believe that I’m worth love. 

But the kind of love, and the idea of love I have always searched for, is something that I can’t ever seem to fully get all the way. 

I’ve had two failed marriages; one 10 months, another 13 years. A five-year, online, long-distance, fuck up my life completely, cluster fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk of a “relationship”; and now T.

Those ARE my major relationships in my adult life.

No one compares to T.

I struggle every day to be the kind of woman that T deserves. I know I am failing, and then I ask myself why, and what I will do about it. 

I wish really, that there was a guarantee that we will make it; but there’s not. 

The only guarantee there is, is the one that I make to myself. 

I will continue to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants.

I don’t believe in hiding who you are from anyone anymore… especially the man you love.

I know that things aren’t perfect in my life right now…or my relationship.

But I do know that T is the only man, who has made me feel like I deserved love. And I never thought I’d ever feel that from a man. I never had until him. 

I guess that’s why they say love is patient.

I hope that I can work out my life, so that I can be the woman, that I know I am.

The damage I carry is real, and I’ve had more than I care to have these last months, and it fucks up everything…to the point that I have to make the choice to stop letting it infect, every good thing that I touch. 

It’s hard when there’s stuff you need to talk about and understand, but you know there’s probably no way you ever could, because you weren’t given the option upfront to know about it.

I can’t figure out what I could have done differently…except for me to do the exact opposite thing, and I obviously made the choice to be in this relationship. 

 I’m not a quitter. 

Every day is a new day to try. 

“Love without Limits, Fight without Fear.” 

It’s tattooed on my arm, but what does that mean to ME?

I made it up. Truth. Because I had made a choice that day to try to understand myself; and those are two things I try to do.

I hope there is a God AND that he will help me.

This is a free writing ramble.

I am sober, alive, confused, hurt, determined, and in love.

I need a miracle to fix my brain, and my life. 

I’m really just trying to be as positive as I can right now;

And I don’t feel bad for writing any of this, because it’s gotten me to this very moment.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

In Any Regard, I’d Spin in the Wind With You.

Funny how you change as a person, over time.

It seems like no matter what pressures hit me lately, I’m able to compartmentalize them down into smaller, more managable sections to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard, but I DO do it. It got me to thinking that things could be a lot worse, and THAT is progress. I couldn’t do that last year at all, without having major meltdowns lasting days and weeks, and then finally realizing I was just wasting time, on doing nothing.

I am blessed for the goodness in my life today, and the life and good sense that is coming back to me. 

I missed it.

There’s a lot of stuff going on for T and I, but we are moving in the right direction. On the one hand I’m terrified, and on the other, I’m ready for our future life together. It’s been challenging in many regards, for both of us.

I just think this is part of our story. Sober is not always easy.  But sober together is definitely better than drunk alone, in any regard.

Taking the safe and easiest route is not always feesible, OR smart.

When all the signs are there and line up, sometimes I really wonder why we waited so long to make a break.

I think we were both scared of messing up again, and letting each other down; instead of realizing that we both control what we do as people, and those choices need to mean something or it doesn’t. We owe it to the people we love…to love them in every regard. That includes ourselves, but in a much healthier way. 

I’m feeling confident that we will get there soon.  I am tired as well but I know we always find the rainbows, when the clouds pull away. Our “best” is yet to come, and now we can realize it fully. 

People, places, and things…

This is just part of the places part.

We are both three months, 15 days sober.

Love Yourself.
J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

The Choice is Mine to Change How I Think.

I can choose to be the way I am; or become the person I was always meant to be…the BEST version of myself.

I am becoming this slowly but surely.

I can feel it a little more every day.

So many times in my life, I have chosen to meander through situations and surroundings that I’ve “FELT” I could do nothing about.

I have set myself up for failure, before I’ve even begun…so many times; to the point that I’ve already assumed it’ll go nowhere….and therefore I don’t/won’t even make the effort in the first place.

Blah, blah, blah………..

It’s different forms of negative thinking; I hate it; I suffer from it more than I would like to, or like to admit…to this day.

The choice is always mine to make, however. I can decide to look at a situation, literally anyway I want to.   

I’m remembering that; and somehow I’m learning what I need to feel whole inside too.

I am doing the only thing I know how to do at this point.

I’ve resolved to always be true to my soul, no matter what. I cannot be anything to anyone without first being real about who I am, and what I need to become. 

I cannot fake happiness or serenity; and I stopped trying to a long time ago. I’m staying true to my emotional needs because I want to stay sober, and I want solid relationships in my life; built on REAL things, and REAL life.

I wish it was easier.

It’s a fine balance to love and support someone else, who also struggles with “things”; and to mingle it with my own issues I have to deal with, from the “things”…as well.

I AM TRYING.

I’m trying to be the best woman I can all-around, and stay true to myself.  I really hope I can start seeing some kind of solid gain from this soon, because I need it.

I KNOW I have things I need to work on still as well.

The things that I’m not getting, is something that I’ll have to find within myself instead, for the meantime.

Some things need to change, but I’m not giving up.

I am 3 months, and fourteen days sober. 

My outlook is hopeful but cautious. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME