You and Me

A quiet distance that we are not afraid of and fight to understand 

Same space

Comfort in knowing you are there living this life with me

Somehow you are healing me 

There’s no denying it

Every day is the best day 

When I see your blues 

We will ride the storms together

Make our own rainbows

And chase the moon

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s Tuesday, one thing I know for sure…

So things have got to keep moving forward no matter what, because anything else just won’t do for me. 

I can only be myself, have standards for myself, and live life in a way that makes me feel like I did something positive while I was here, instead of just suffering miserably and ruining shit.

Every day I live this life, and I feel it fully. I can’t make sense of the way things go, and it is always the opposite of what it seems to be. 

I’m tired of it.

Quite honestly, I’m beside myself in some very big ways today, and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around some things, and make sense of it all. All of it has made me feel like I’m not worth one thing, but I know it’s not my issue. Still, I have to live and deal with it, feel the pain from it, and I feel like I am on the outside looking in, and will never know the full scope of what I’m dealing with. I also feel alone and betrayed; it fucking sucks, and my only hope is that it won’t happen again.

I can’t make people tell me the truth. It pains me that I always think people will, but they never do…and I can’t figure out why I don’t deserve it.

People wonder why my concept of love is so asku, and this is why.

I’m going to be working on my goals for myself, because I think I need to realize that I need to stop worrying, and just keep taking care of me.

I’m trying to work out things, because I think it’s important to fight for what you want and need in life… but relationships these days, are not what they used to be. I wish I felt like I wasn’t going to be all alone when I die, but I do. 

I hope I’m wrong about that.

What will happen, will happen…and I can’t stop it. I can only control myself, and I will.

I’m STILL sober. Karter’s Birthday is STILL tomorrow.

This journey is mine alone…and I always wonder where it’s going to end up.

Today is today though.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Full of Life.

Sometimes I feel full of life, and sometimes I feel totally, completely empty.

That’s the best way to describe it I guess.

It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that I care too much, so I simply shut off sometimes to preserve my sanity.

It’s not so much a problem for me, as it is for the people in my life around me.

It can come off as cold and indifferent because even though I’m hearing what you’re saying, the words aren’t getting in; my brain is tired. 

I guess that’s one of the difficult things about me. It’s just how I am. It is years of internalizing and different forms of abuse I’ve had to power through. It’s a straight-up coping mechanism, nothing more.

I’m learning to let the people I love IN, when I feel like this now. Because in me not sharing how I feel in the emptiness, I’m inadvertently causing small rifts, and pushing people away. Rifts can grow as well, and I know this all too well.

I know I need to change some regarding this piece of me, because I don’t want this; but it is all I can do not to run and isolate every time.

I am used to the emptiness. I am used to being and feeling alone. But it’s not what I want.

I never have.

I am very fortunate to be with someone who understands this about me, and appreciates the fact that I am trying. He makes me want to try harder.

Words can’t really express what it’s like to know there is someone I can depend on, and that I am not alone anymore. There is someone there to hold me when I cry. There is someone that sees me for me, flaws and all and isn’t afraid; Wants to stay…won’t abandoned me.

It makes changing for the better and feeling whole again possible. 

To you I say Thank you Love. Thank you for being you, and Thank you for allowing me to be me. I would do anything for you, and it will always be.

Today I feel full of life…And it’s because of you T. Never forget what you mean to me.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me

 

Forsaken

The brightness of my light was taken hostage.

It flickered through the bars that was my home for so long.

When I escaped I had no idea where to go.

I made my own home where I wanted, and filled it with beautiful, lovely memories of a time when I felt whole. 

There I lived until the time came I could build upon it with new memories of the way that I am, and my life now. 

Every day I add bits of love to this place I call home…I.e., ME.

You stole a piece of me that I don’t even want back. 

It is gone and it is yours to have because you needed it more than I.

When you betrayed me , you gave me the best gift you could have ever given me. 

I would not have gotten strong in me , Or changed who I am as a person. I would have stayed stupid.

They say people drift into your life for a reason and I understand that now. 

I am at peace in my heart. 

I am happy. 

And I did it by myself. 

That is mine to own. Not yours.

I forgive you because I am SO much better for it. Some things in life are worth the wait anyways.

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

THIS life.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living. 

I have come full circle, and I am moving forward in positive ways. I needed to hack through the BS that was me and my life; and find myself, forgive myself, let go of the pain I carried deep in me, and find some sort of solice in the things I could not control.

It is the fear of the unknown that generally stops most of us that have struggled and failed before, from trying again. Or stops anyone in general for that matter. My opinion only.

My mother always said I had the “Big picture syndrome”, in that I would often obsess on things I had no way of knowing would happen. Freaked myself out over things that were not even there, or realistic. Fear of the unknown. It clouded my rational thinking a lot, and it’s the number one thing that I think has kept me from achieving much of anything solid, in terms of reaching my personal goals and highest potential, according to me. Floundering is the best word I think that describes how I’ve led my life, and felt much of my life. Just floundering through life, with no real hope of anything resembling contentness or success.

I guess I just reached the ultimate bottom in my life, and I just decided I was better than that, and started changing for the sake of my children and personal happiness.

I mean let’s face it, the only other option I was looking at was total destruction in many regards. Fuck that. I’m not going down like that.

FINALLY, I have my shit together for the most part. Things are clicking into place nicely and each day, I deal with the day as it comes. I don’t need to know what happens tomorrow. I know that today I’ll live fully, like it was my last one.

That’s where I’m at now. My cats and I are saying goodbye to PA because theres nothing keeping us here, and hello to Ohio, and a real life with my love.
I’m closer to my children and family and I will be better able to travel to Michigan. Stepping up school to full-time, joining a gym, focusing on my photography, writing, and future photo shoots I will be doing. Already some projects in the works. All my plans and ideas are all doable and attainable, and I’m fucking happy 🙂

It’s everything I thought it could be and then some. And it doesn’t even all make sense, it just feels like certain victory and this is why I never gave up.

I knew I’d get here. I’m content in my life and skin.

Looking forward to 2017. Looking forward to tonight with friends. Looking forward to tomorrow if it comes.

The light in me is getting brighter every day.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living.

Love yourself. Don’t give up.

image

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

A Little Gem to Keep Me in Today….

*PSEUDO*

I try to block it out because it hurts.

I don’t understand how I’ve got myself believing in a total lie.

The kind of lie you end up living in your head that keeps you falling in over and over again.

Down into a hole of abyss and you’re covered in thick, bloody tar and clawing and holding onto nothing and everything to try to get out. But you can’t get out, so you let go and die and wake up again in some hospital room hooked up to respirator with all your friends around….AGAIN.

It’s just another day to believe you, and lie again to myself about all the things you say to me.

I believed you.

Doesn’t that just make me the stupid, weak one for loving you.

Yes it does.

I’m running out of belief.

I try to block it out, because it hurts.

J.Rounds (c)2014

image

When I read through my old writings I can see how confused and hurt I was, and it makes me mad at myself that I wasted my time on such negative things. But after that initial madness…I feel a peace in the fact that I’m out of that time of my life now. Today is today, and I can live it the way I choose to. I really always could I just didn’t exactly realize it.

Lessons.

I hope you will always invest in things and people that make you feel good about life and who you are as a person. It’s really the only way to find who you were meant to be.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Allowing Myself to Realize Real Life and Me

I think of all the times that others have stolen parts of my soul; either by deep emotional or physical hurt; and why I did absolutely nothing about it; but take it.

Some wounds are special kinds of gifts wrapped up in empty feelings, fear, and many sleepless nights. Dreams that never had a chance of coming true, but swept you away in the madness of what could have been; became your friend, and the only thing you wanted to know. Taught you a lesson…although hard to bear.

Pain.

You get blinded by it. You become used to it. You forget to look within yourself for any kind of answers at all, and you start to feel comfortable with the good in the bad.

For me it’s a very familiar feeling to have; although these days I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to be the better person… let my pain go…Forgive. Forgive myself.

But I still will never forget.

We all carry pain inside us that will never leave; and we all carry secrets. When you try to live in it, you become a product of your enviroment. Over the last years I have tried to speak candidly and truthfully about some of the pain that I carry.

This has been a blessing and a curse.

I am not a perfect person, but I am a good person. This much I know for sure. My ghosts hurt me mostly now, because I think about what my life would have been like, had I made better  choices for myself. I also know, I can’t go back, only forward.

I hope that maybe someday soon I can find it in my heart to forgive you for good…and myself.

In the end I know it is for the best.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

Live, Love, Laugh

image

Today has been a wonderful day for me, because I decided it would be.

I’ve talked to a lot of people I care about and needed to catch up with, but haven’t. I’m currently two days in with the not smoking thing (patches on), and it’s going great and I’m proud of myself. I’m on track with school. I’m healthy and alive and sober.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

Lately, my head was really being consumed with things it ought not to be consumed with. It was stalling me, and holding me back. I finally decided that I should probably  start making an effort to put out as much as I *receive, and spending time on people who actually deserve it and love me; as it should be.

I’m happy to be moving on in my life finally. I am really focusing on making the changes still needed.

I am in full-speed ahead mode; and at this point, I can’t see myself stopping.

I’m hoping soon that I can prove to my ex-husband, that’s it’s safe to let me talk to my children again…because I really miss them and I have to work on those relations. My kids are all I have, and I don’t have them now. I need them. I need to at least have the communication open to try.

My ex-husband is a good father, a sensible man, and I know he knows this.

In time.

For now, I’m getting through this day with a smile on my face. It is genuine, and not forced. 🙂

I feel the changes happening in me every day, and I just know things will be happy and fulfilling in the end for me; if I just don’t stop moving forward. I’m actually really excited. I needed this latest series of events to happen, to get my ass back in actual reality again.

Today was an excellent day.

This is my story, and I’m writing it daily as I go along.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

Turning a page

There’s something freeing about seeing the truth for what it is, shutting the door, locking it, and throwing that key as far as you can possibly throw it.

Turning a page.

I felt bad for a little while earlier, but it took someone whom I never expected, to make me see how I could really decide what was right for me and that I was the only one that could do it.

Thank you. You’re right as well. About everything.

Earlier I got some rather stark reality and I was beside myself. But I see it for what is worth now; and what I have ahead of me to do.

I know I am moving forward in the right direction, and making positive progress in my life every day. I know I struggle with mental health issues, and I know in order to be a positive influence in my kids life, I have to let go of all my crutches and negative influences in my life.

Turning a page is sometimes not very easy. Especially when it has been stuck on the page for way too long.

Tonight I start another chapter in my life, and tomorrow will be the first time in a long time that I will finally know for certain where I am going.

And that is forward to a future that is peaceful and happy. I’m staying on the path I’ve set for myself.

This day is significant in my life, because I finally decided enough was enough.

Eventually everything will work out. I’m positive.

Anyone that knows me knows I can do anything I set my mind to.

I’m going to be just fine.
I’m also happy that I know this; and glad that I can’t find the key. I never even looked for it.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me