My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

In Any Regard, I’d Spin in the Wind With You.

Funny how you change as a person, over time.

It seems like no matter what pressures hit me lately, I’m able to compartmentalize them down into smaller, more managable sections to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard, but I DO do it. It got me to thinking that things could be a lot worse, and THAT is progress. I couldn’t do that last year at all, without having major meltdowns lasting days and weeks, and then finally realizing I was just wasting time, on doing nothing.

I am blessed for the goodness in my life today, and the life and good sense that is coming back to me. 

I missed it.

There’s a lot of stuff going on for T and I, but we are moving in the right direction. On the one hand I’m terrified, and on the other, I’m ready for our future life together. It’s been challenging in many regards, for both of us.

I just think this is part of our story. Sober is not always easy.  But sober together is definitely better than drunk alone, in any regard.

Taking the safe and easiest route is not always feesible, OR smart.

When all the signs are there and line up, sometimes I really wonder why we waited so long to make a break.

I think we were both scared of messing up again, and letting each other down; instead of realizing that we both control what we do as people, and those choices need to mean something or it doesn’t. We owe it to the people we love…to love them in every regard. That includes ourselves, but in a much healthier way. 

I’m feeling confident that we will get there soon.  I am tired as well but I know we always find the rainbows, when the clouds pull away. Our “best” is yet to come, and now we can realize it fully. 

People, places, and things…

This is just part of the places part.

We are both three months, 15 days sober.

Love Yourself.
J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

The Choice is Mine to Change How I Think.

I can choose to be the way I am; or become the person I was always meant to be…the BEST version of myself.

I am becoming this slowly but surely.

I can feel it a little more every day.

So many times in my life, I have chosen to meander through situations and surroundings that I’ve “FELT” I could do nothing about.

I have set myself up for failure, before I’ve even begun…so many times; to the point that I’ve already assumed it’ll go nowhere….and therefore I don’t/won’t even make the effort in the first place.

Blah, blah, blah………..

It’s different forms of negative thinking; I hate it; I suffer from it more than I would like to, or like to admit…to this day.

The choice is always mine to make, however. I can decide to look at a situation, literally anyway I want to.   

I’m remembering that; and somehow I’m learning what I need to feel whole inside too.

I am doing the only thing I know how to do at this point.

I’ve resolved to always be true to my soul, no matter what. I cannot be anything to anyone without first being real about who I am, and what I need to become. 

I cannot fake happiness or serenity; and I stopped trying to a long time ago. I’m staying true to my emotional needs because I want to stay sober, and I want solid relationships in my life; built on REAL things, and REAL life.

I wish it was easier.

It’s a fine balance to love and support someone else, who also struggles with “things”; and to mingle it with my own issues I have to deal with, from the “things”…as well.

I AM TRYING.

I’m trying to be the best woman I can all-around, and stay true to myself.  I really hope I can start seeing some kind of solid gain from this soon, because I need it.

I KNOW I have things I need to work on still as well.

The things that I’m not getting, is something that I’ll have to find within myself instead, for the meantime.

Some things need to change, but I’m not giving up.

I am 3 months, and fourteen days sober. 

My outlook is hopeful but cautious. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

You and Me

A quiet distance that we are not afraid of and fight to understand 

Same space

Comfort in knowing you are there living this life with me

Somehow you are healing me 

There’s no denying it

Every day is the best day 

When I see your blues 

We will ride the storms together

Make our own rainbows

And chase the moon

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s Tuesday, one thing I know for sure…

So things have got to keep moving forward no matter what, because anything else just won’t do for me. 

I can only be myself, have standards for myself, and live life in a way that makes me feel like I did something positive while I was here, instead of just suffering miserably and ruining shit.

Every day I live this life, and I feel it fully. I can’t make sense of the way things go, and it is always the opposite of what it seems to be. 

I’m tired of it.

Quite honestly, I’m beside myself in some very big ways today, and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around some things, and make sense of it all. All of it has made me feel like I’m not worth one thing, but I know it’s not my issue. Still, I have to live and deal with it, feel the pain from it, and I feel like I am on the outside looking in, and will never know the full scope of what I’m dealing with. I also feel alone and betrayed; it fucking sucks, and my only hope is that it won’t happen again.

I can’t make people tell me the truth. It pains me that I always think people will, but they never do…and I can’t figure out why I don’t deserve it.

People wonder why my concept of love is so asku, and this is why.

I’m going to be working on my goals for myself, because I think I need to realize that I need to stop worrying, and just keep taking care of me.

I’m trying to work out things, because I think it’s important to fight for what you want and need in life… but relationships these days, are not what they used to be. I wish I felt like I wasn’t going to be all alone when I die, but I do. 

I hope I’m wrong about that.

What will happen, will happen…and I can’t stop it. I can only control myself, and I will.

I’m STILL sober. Karter’s Birthday is STILL tomorrow.

This journey is mine alone…and I always wonder where it’s going to end up.

Today is today though.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Full of Life.

Sometimes I feel full of life, and sometimes I feel totally, completely empty.

That’s the best way to describe it I guess.

It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that I care too much, so I simply shut off sometimes to preserve my sanity.

It’s not so much a problem for me, as it is for the people in my life around me.

It can come off as cold and indifferent because even though I’m hearing what you’re saying, the words aren’t getting in; my brain is tired. 

I guess that’s one of the difficult things about me. It’s just how I am. It is years of internalizing and different forms of abuse I’ve had to power through. It’s a straight-up coping mechanism, nothing more.

I’m learning to let the people I love IN, when I feel like this now. Because in me not sharing how I feel in the emptiness, I’m inadvertently causing small rifts, and pushing people away. Rifts can grow as well, and I know this all too well.

I know I need to change some regarding this piece of me, because I don’t want this; but it is all I can do not to run and isolate every time.

I am used to the emptiness. I am used to being and feeling alone. But it’s not what I want.

I never have.

I am very fortunate to be with someone who understands this about me, and appreciates the fact that I am trying. He makes me want to try harder.

Words can’t really express what it’s like to know there is someone I can depend on, and that I am not alone anymore. There is someone there to hold me when I cry. There is someone that sees me for me, flaws and all and isn’t afraid; Wants to stay…won’t abandoned me.

It makes changing for the better and feeling whole again possible. 

To you I say Thank you Love. Thank you for being you, and Thank you for allowing me to be me. I would do anything for you, and it will always be.

Today I feel full of life…And it’s because of you T. Never forget what you mean to me.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me

 

Forsaken

The brightness of my light was taken hostage.

It flickered through the bars that was my home for so long.

When I escaped I had no idea where to go.

I made my own home where I wanted, and filled it with beautiful, lovely memories of a time when I felt whole. 

There I lived until the time came I could build upon it with new memories of the way that I am, and my life now. 

Every day I add bits of love to this place I call home…I.e., ME.

You stole a piece of me that I don’t even want back. 

It is gone and it is yours to have because you needed it more than I.

When you betrayed me , you gave me the best gift you could have ever given me. 

I would not have gotten strong in me , Or changed who I am as a person. I would have stayed stupid.

They say people drift into your life for a reason and I understand that now. 

I am at peace in my heart. 

I am happy. 

And I did it by myself. 

That is mine to own. Not yours.

I forgive you because I am SO much better for it. Some things in life are worth the wait anyways.

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

THIS life.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living. 

I have come full circle, and I am moving forward in positive ways. I needed to hack through the BS that was me and my life; and find myself, forgive myself, let go of the pain I carried deep in me, and find some sort of solice in the things I could not control.

It is the fear of the unknown that generally stops most of us that have struggled and failed before, from trying again. Or stops anyone in general for that matter. My opinion only.

My mother always said I had the “Big picture syndrome”, in that I would often obsess on things I had no way of knowing would happen. Freaked myself out over things that were not even there, or realistic. Fear of the unknown. It clouded my rational thinking a lot, and it’s the number one thing that I think has kept me from achieving much of anything solid, in terms of reaching my personal goals and highest potential, according to me. Floundering is the best word I think that describes how I’ve led my life, and felt much of my life. Just floundering through life, with no real hope of anything resembling contentness or success.

I guess I just reached the ultimate bottom in my life, and I just decided I was better than that, and started changing for the sake of my children and personal happiness.

I mean let’s face it, the only other option I was looking at was total destruction in many regards. Fuck that. I’m not going down like that.

FINALLY, I have my shit together for the most part. Things are clicking into place nicely and each day, I deal with the day as it comes. I don’t need to know what happens tomorrow. I know that today I’ll live fully, like it was my last one.

That’s where I’m at now. My cats and I are saying goodbye to PA because theres nothing keeping us here, and hello to Ohio, and a real life with my love.
I’m closer to my children and family and I will be better able to travel to Michigan. Stepping up school to full-time, joining a gym, focusing on my photography, writing, and future photo shoots I will be doing. Already some projects in the works. All my plans and ideas are all doable and attainable, and I’m fucking happy 🙂

It’s everything I thought it could be and then some. And it doesn’t even all make sense, it just feels like certain victory and this is why I never gave up.

I knew I’d get here. I’m content in my life and skin.

Looking forward to 2017. Looking forward to tonight with friends. Looking forward to tomorrow if it comes.

The light in me is getting brighter every day.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living.

Love yourself. Don’t give up.

image

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

A Little Gem to Keep Me in Today….

*PSEUDO*

I try to block it out because it hurts.

I don’t understand how I’ve got myself believing in a total lie.

The kind of lie you end up living in your head that keeps you falling in over and over again.

Down into a hole of abyss and you’re covered in thick, bloody tar and clawing and holding onto nothing and everything to try to get out. But you can’t get out, so you let go and die and wake up again in some hospital room hooked up to respirator with all your friends around….AGAIN.

It’s just another day to believe you, and lie again to myself about all the things you say to me.

I believed you.

Doesn’t that just make me the stupid, weak one for loving you.

Yes it does.

I’m running out of belief.

I try to block it out, because it hurts.

J.Rounds (c)2014

image

When I read through my old writings I can see how confused and hurt I was, and it makes me mad at myself that I wasted my time on such negative things. But after that initial madness…I feel a peace in the fact that I’m out of that time of my life now. Today is today, and I can live it the way I choose to. I really always could I just didn’t exactly realize it.

Lessons.

I hope you will always invest in things and people that make you feel good about life and who you are as a person. It’s really the only way to find who you were meant to be.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me