Therapy.

I spoke to the woman at the therapy center I found, that offers the EMDR treatment that I’ve been wanting to get.

She told me that even though they did accept my insurance; the particular therapist I *inquired about, was not taking new patients and wouldn’t be any time soon.

At first I was bummed, because from what it looked like, that therapist was the only one at that office that offered the EMDR therapy.

I’m glad I took some deep breaths; and didn’t let my thinking get away from me on it. The next thing the woman told me, was that that was not the case. The main therapist of the whole place; was somewhat of a guru of EMDR it seems; and he would be back from vacation next week. After that they were going to be opening up the schedule, and they could then, get me in.

She put me on a waiting list, and said it would be anywhere from one to three weeks wait; and she would call me soon.

I’m relieved. In my mind I thought it was going to be way harder to get something set up; I’m glad I was wrong about that.

I’m glad I made the effort to get the ball rolling finally, and that I stopped focusing on the scariness factor of it all. I’m sure that fear will be an ongoing challenge, that I will have to continue to work through.

Fear has always held me; and held me back from all kinds of things I could have done in life.

I know now that those things can still come to fruition…..and fear is just an emotion that I should stop giving so much power to.

I am proud of myself for doing today. I am proud of myself for not feeling shameful about needing more coping skills. I am proud of myself for accepting the fact that it is ok to be an ongoing work in progress.

Progress is what counts; and the work to get there, I know I am capable of doing.

I am one year, three months, and twenty-two days sober; and I will be 47 years old, in a week.

I hope to see my children in the next weeks coming up to celebrate; but I think following through on this therapist thing, is equally as important of a Birthday gift to myself.

I know we all move in our own ways. Sometimes it takes less time than it would take someone else to make their move. Sometimes you have to learn how to make the move.

Sometimes you just have to jump in, and have faith that you are a strong swimmer; when you know for a fact that you are.

I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I will continue to be patient every day with myself; because I am my own friend; and a good one .

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling more upbeat again.

Good news is, I’m starting to feel better again. I’m focusing on that, because It’s way better than beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t a few days ago.

I have ongoing mental disorders, and I have to accept that.

I don’t really want to; but let’s get real, already….

Jenni.

It’s not like I’m going around trying to bipolar and PTSD on everyone everyday or do; so I’m definitely going to have to give myself a break regarding my ups and downs. Back-track is going to happen at points because I am human.

I HAVE been extremely stressed. There ARE valid reasons behind it.

It’s going to be alright, even when it doesn’t feel like it; and I know that.

I’m going to be alright.

That’s why I’m bouncing back quicker after the dips nowa’days.

I DO have coping skills in me; and the EMDR therapy, should help me to not dip as much in the future.

I have two calls in currently, to potential therapists. I’m hoping it won’t be a long, drawn-out process; but I also think I have to be patient in all regards, because I also have a feeling that a lot of phone tag is going to be going on before I get an appointment anywhere.

That’s just me being realistic, based on my own knowledge about how the mental health system works.

It’ll be ok. I will find that EMDR therapist; and I will learn even better skills.

I will.

Patience. I will keep on top of it, until I find a therapist….and I am doing it for me.

Nap after work today, instead of painting; because I needed it.

Picked up a double on Sunday; and also starting to make peace with T, finally.

I had to for ME. There’s no sense in focusing on things of the past that cannot be changed…even if they were shitty. Only letting go of the negativity and bitterness of it will heal me in that area; also realizing that I’m not the only one who struggles with demons. I know I’m not.

There will never be the kind of future for us like we planned to have; but a supportive friendship I think is something that is being built again between us, right now. As friends. I believe that that is better for both of us anyways. He will always be important to me; and I can’t deny that fact.

That’s a huge step for me to say that; and we will see. I know it depends on me, just as much as him…and it is what it is……

I’m just making peaces.

Life is funny the way it works, and even funnier when you live inside my head.

I need to put a map up there, complete with “you are here” markers. It would give other people a fighting chance in understanding me; and maybe when I get lost, it’d be easier to find my way back too.

That’s never going to happen; but I AM working on it, every day. 🙂

475 days without alcohol; and knowing that I am on my way to greater things. 🙂

This I know.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What do you want from me? Respect my boundaries.

I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.

It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.

For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.

That hurts.

I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.

No. It’s not my problem.

The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.

I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.

It happened tonight.

People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?

In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.

It’s almost a given.

It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.

I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.

I’m not the one who screwed me over.

That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.

I know that.

Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.

You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.

I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.

Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.

I do not need or want to deal with any of you.

Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.

Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.

Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.

Respect my personal boundaries.

I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.

That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.

There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.

But you’re not.

You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.

This should not be hard to understand.

And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.

I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.

Friendship isn’t possible anymore.

Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.

I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.

I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.

I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.

I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.

I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.

And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s the Fourth again….but a totally different year, for sure.

Happy Birthday America. I hope you will get your shit together soon; for real.

I feel like we should be celebrating the fact that the world has not exploded yet.

I don’t think I’m alone in that either….

Anyhoo…

Last year on the Fourth, I was still with T; and we were just coming off of 3 months or so, sober.

Everything is different this year. In fact, It’s sometimes hard for me to believe; just how much my life has changed since last July.

T and I are no longer together now. I have an awesome job that I love, my own car, my own apartment, a semi- normal working relationship with all three of my remaining children. I am sober; one year, three months, and eight days; today.

What’s there really, to complain about?

I’m longer compromising myself mentally; to be in a relationship that isn’t healthy.

I’m happy about that.

I have true friends that care about me and my life. I can do literally whatever I want to.

Yep.

I guess I’m coming back into myself again; slowly but surely.

That’s a good feeling.

I will be 47 years old in twenty-one days too.

Whaaaaat?

Next chapter is what.

I’m going to Michigan again to see my kids; and hopefully I will also be jumping out of a plane on that weekend as well.

Bucket list. A Birthday present to myself.

A tattoo cover up as well…another gift to myself that has been a long time coming.

The world keeps spinning, doesn’t it?

I’m not going to lie; it’s been super hard at points to acclimate to being alone again…and I have cried at points. I’m still pissed off that I was treated like I wasn’t worth the truth; or valued like I should have been. I am still getting over it in pieces…and won’t be getting into anymore serious relationships in the near future…at all.

I would however, like to find some people to do things with. Like jump out of a plane. 😉 Someone single; with no expectations, other than a friendship and hanging out for right now.

More goals.

At the end of the day, I know I’m ok… and that fact is really what’s keeping me moving forward emotionally, at this point.

I have wonderful people in my life, that have helped me do this; and im so grateful for that fact.

This Fourth has been pretty boring this year (I’ve been cleaning and unpacking); but I’m going to the fireworks by myself anyways.

It will be nothing special. Just me spending time with me; in a group of people.

What could go wrong with that?

Wish me luck; and enjoy your Fourth.

Please do not drink and drive, or blow yourself up….seriously.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Fifteen months sober. Through.

I’ve realized a lot of stuff about myself today.

Some things clicked that really needed to. That they do for me sometimes; and then I know what to do next.

My hands hurt; but my heart not so much anymore.

I’ve been grieving for a really long time, about a lot of things in my life.

And life is just too short to put people that don’t appreciate me; around me.

I’m not the kind of girl, who will just bend over and take it anymore.

Most are intimidated by the fight in me. Especially when they treat me poorly. That is why I try to be honest about who I am, straight away.

I’m educated. I’m smart. I do suck at Math. I know more about life than a great percentage; and most of the stuff I know of life; has bashed me over the head with nowhere to go but through. I’ve been through it.

I’m through.

When you have depleted every try you have in you over something. When you cannot see any positivity left in something. You must go THROUGH IT.

That includes removing yourself completely from the situation.

That is what I have done. Again.

Currently sitting in my own apartment; tired, and blogging this.

I have an MRI appointment in the morning, and a bed set being delivered before I go to work, in the late afternoon.

A money issue again. Who doesn’t have them; I know.

I’m also not surprised by the reason.

It’s hard to slow down. I was just staring at the moon and wondering why life is the way it is, earlier.

I had to make myself eat; but I am healthy; other than my stress level.

I’m strong. I have a good heart, and a ruthless streak for people that try to bring other people misery on purpose. Especially ME.

I can’t apologize for that.

When someone shows you proof that they have a diagnosed mental condition like PTSD. You should listen, and not think it’s a joke.

I’m done suffering uneedingly; with anything or anyone.

Why stay in that?

And if that means that I will have to struggle more than some in whatever way…well what’s new.

I’m over it.

I’m sober. I have remained that way; because I know it will kill me if I don’t.

The same goes for some people and my PTSD.

People that are spiteful for sport, will always lose with me. People that don’t try to become better people, will always stay miserable; and that’s not something I want for my life; or want to be around; or triggered by any further.

I’m not miserable when im around people who don’t go out of their way to trigger me, and play mind games.

People that do; will just have to listen to what I have to say, until they get the fact that I’m not having it.

OR; I cut them out of my life completely because they completely suck the life out of me, every time I see them.

Who needs it. I don’t.

I’m sober and alive and Jenni.

That’s good enough for ME. For real.

Next chapter please.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

~Disappear Here~

Breathe no matter what.

Staying positive and breathing through anxiety is what I can do EVERY time.

I just got out of work a little while ago. I stopped to clear my mind a bit. Now I’m going home and taking a bubble bath. Then I’ll eat Chinese and watch a movie. My animals are going to love it. (LOL)

I work tomorrow morning at 6:30. Not a day off in sight.

Missing my kids; but knowing everything is fine; and will be somehow.

I’ve been doing a lot of test shots with my camera. I have things I want to work on. I hope that I can find the time to do that; I need a new tripod; so that will happen after work tomorrow.

I can only hope and believe that tomorrow will be great…

Go from there.

It’s maybe not the most glamorous life for me right now; but it is mine.

I am one year, two months, and twenty-two days sober.

EVERY day that makes me smile. 🙂

I hope your Sunday was peaceful; and you kept cool.

{Working for the weekend}, starts tomorrow.

Yeah; I know it’s a Loverboy lyric. It was intentional; and I’ll always be a lyric whore.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober is my Strength

I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.

It is a slower process than I would like.

I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.

What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.

I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.

I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.

To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.

Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.

I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.

I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.

I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.

Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.

The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.

The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?

The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.

To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.

I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.

I am grateful.

Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Employee of the month to management?

I forgot to document this, so I’m doing it now.

Last week I got employee of the month!!

WHAAAAT? Lol.

Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.

I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.

It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.

It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.

Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂

I like being happy.

There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.

I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.

Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.

I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.

I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.

The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.

I can’t really lose.

Good things come to those who put the effort in.

I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.

Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.

Wish me luck!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME