THIS life.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living. 

I have come full circle, and I am moving forward in positive ways. I needed to hack through the BS that was me and my life; and find myself, forgive myself, let go of the pain I carried deep in me, and find some sort of solice in the things I could not control.

It is the fear of the unknown that generally stops most of us that have struggled and failed before, from trying again. Or stops anyone in general for that matter. My opinion only.

My mother always said I had the “Big picture syndrome”, in that I would often obsess on things I had no way of knowing would happen. Freaked myself out over things that were not even there, or realistic. Fear of the unknown. It clouded my rational thinking a lot, and it’s the number one thing that I think has kept me from achieving much of anything solid, in terms of reaching my personal goals and highest potential, according to me. Floundering is the best word I think that describes how I’ve led my life, and felt much of my life. Just floundering through life, with no real hope of anything resembling contentness or success.

I guess I just reached the ultimate bottom in my life, and I just decided I was better than that, and started changing for the sake of my children and personal happiness.

I mean let’s face it, the only other option I was looking at was total destruction in many regards. Fuck that. I’m not going down like that.

FINALLY, I have my shit together for the most part. Things are clicking into place nicely and each day, I deal with the day as it comes. I don’t need to know what happens tomorrow. I know that today I’ll live fully, like it was my last one.

That’s where I’m at now. My cats and I are saying goodbye to PA because theres nothing keeping us here, and hello to Ohio, and a real life with my love.
I’m closer to my children and family and I will be better able to travel to Michigan. Stepping up school to full-time, joining a gym, focusing on my photography, writing, and future photo shoots I will be doing. Already some projects in the works. All my plans and ideas are all doable and attainable, and I’m fucking happy 🙂

It’s everything I thought it could be and then some. And it doesn’t even all make sense, it just feels like certain victory and this is why I never gave up.

I knew I’d get here. I’m content in my life and skin.

Looking forward to 2017. Looking forward to tonight with friends. Looking forward to tomorrow if it comes.

The light in me is getting brighter every day.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living.

Love yourself. Don’t give up.

image

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Untitled

I am alive.

I am an ever flowing stream that has no end.

Within me I carry the darkness and the light of my heart and soul.

I breath hope and strength, and every step I take forward leads me to the new; and new opportunities to love myself and those around me.

I have never known this peace before; and it suits me.

I will forge ahead with the tenacity and heart of a million men.

Nothing can stop me from being the best that I can possibly be.

I feel alive for the first time in years.

I am moving forward, and not looking back ever again.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

I DID IT.

I should have more faith in myself.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but it just wasn’t actually clear to me until I met my first goal tonight.  I DID IT.

AND I did it WELL.

I’m sober and I’m pulling a four point. And this was an A+ this time.

Final grades

There are some things in my life that could be better.  Financially I’m really struggling; but my rent is paid this month and I have food in my tummy.

My health could be better.  I think I will have to get my uterus removed and I am scared; but I am hopeful that it will not be cancer and I am SOBER.

That has to count for something.

It does to me and that’s all that matters.

I’ll worry about it as it comes.

I’m really proud of myself tonight on many levels.

I should have more faith in myself.

 J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear Here

2

School

So I’ve been doing fairly well in school so far.  There are some things I would like to start doing; like giving myself some extra time to do certain kinds of assignments, like submissions; so I decided that’s something I’ll start doing because it’s smart.

grades 2I’m pulling over a 4. because I attended a webinar and for my time they gave us extra credit.  (lol)  I managed to get some other credits to transfer over from previous college classes, so my next class will be an actual photography class, which I’m stoked about.

I don’t know.  School and my sobriety seems to be the only two things I can control right now.  It is what it is.  Everything else is a “deal with it as it comes because its all I can do” thing; And I’ll do just that.

This next submission will be especially hard for me regarding the topic.  This is the image I chose as a three-part submission.

123                             Tomoko Uemura in Her Bath, Minamata, 1972, W. Eugene Smith

I have to dissect it, and write about the meaning of the artwork based solely on it’s subject matter, style, and its visual construction (art elements, design principles, compositional strategies). (per assignment instructions)

Anyone that knows me knows why it will be hard for me.  I think this is one of the most beautiful images I have ever seen.  Although it will be cathartic, I am looking forward to it, I guess, in a weird way. My first part is in, so we will see what my Professors notes say.

Anyways today is day 13. For some reason I think I’ve been off a day for a day or two, but none the less it’s 13! 🙂

It is 2:07 am, and I hope today will be decent when I wake.  I’m not taking any shit from anyone, I know what I want, and I’m excited about my future.  Could be worse.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Rules of Engagement

There’s a voice in your head that tells you how it is;  knaws at your psyche; travels down into your belly and makes the stabbing, empty feeling that lingers always in you when you don’t want to believe something.

Fight or flight tells you to push it away; and so you do. Over and over and over. Kill the voice; kill the emptiness; kill yourself. You’re good at this; you can do that.

But you know how it is; because both your mind and gut tell you, and they are never wrong.

You decide one day when you are at your breaking point, that you are tired of the game you play with yourself. You also decide there is no point of trying to push it away anymore; because you are going nowhere fast.

You stop pushing it away and let it come into view. It is devastating, and the wounds are freshly ripped open daily. But you take it, because you’re a fighter.

You don’t like to feel hurt inside, so most of the time you spend your days trying to focus on other things to take your mind off of the obvious.

You allow yourself certain times to deal with the actual traumas, and deal with said traumas in a productive, positive fashion. (for the most part)

You form personal rules for yourself about how you will allow yourself to be treated by others; and how you will treat yourself.

You stick to those rules.

Twenty-one days becomes a habit, and the habit continues and sticks, because it makes you feel better about yourself as a person to be living your life this way.

You start to feel better and form some resemblance of a healthy esteem and life.

You live to die another day.

You will never give up.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Fantasy__039081_

Affirmations Day 64

Choose where you want to go, and go there.

Get it in your mind that this is the goal, and do it.

Step by step, day by day; never stop believing; never give up.

Small steps in the right direction, eventually add up to bigger, better things.

It’s just a fact.

If you feel weak, ask for support.

If you feel small, inspire yourself with wisdom of others who have been there before you.

They are gifts in your life, in which ever way they come into it. Never forget that.

Be humble and grateful.

See the world through child’s’ eyes, as everything is new and untainted.

You have gifts you carry within you; give them away.

You only have one life to live.

and this is yours.

Live it.

*I have decided to go back to school.  I will be studying digital art, media and photojournalism at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

I’m very excited and ready for the challenge.  It’s been a long time coming to get here.  Every day I feel stronger and more positive. Even the things that aren’t good in my life, don’t seem so bad now.  I know it’s only a matter of time before my life starts going smoothly again.  I will be happy.  It is my destiny.

J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear here

hmmm