Days are Getting Chilly

I guess lately more than anything I’m wondering what the winter will bring. By that I mean I hope it won’t be depression.

It’s funny sometimes when you’ve spend most of your life in a certain mindset. I try so hard to stay mindful of my mental health; but I know every Winter comes and brings with it the cold and dreariness that I absolutely loathe in every way.  I’m literally terrified to slip back again into the abyss that is my negative mindset; because I simply don’t do very well in the winter months, and never have.

Sounds so ridiculous maybe, but true.

Currently, I separate past and present self. There is the new me, and there is the old me. The old me of course was not healthy in any way. I was weak, unhealthy, destructive and selfish…stuck in my head always. It wasn’t a way to be.  Winter makes it worse.

The way I am now is who I’ve become from pure determination and work. I prefer it. I live a hopeful, mostly positive life now…but I am still me. There is still the Jenni devil that rears her ugly head on occasion.

I say that like it’s a damnation or something, but that’s how I feel sometimes. It never really goes away.

My hope for this season is to meet my personal goals and to become a better influence/role model in my children’s lives.

I’d like to think I will continue to grow and move forward…but I can’t help but fear that I’ll ruin it all, by just being Jenni…and because I’m used to being sad in the winter; I’ve never tried not to be.

I guess it’s best to admit I have the fear. My therapist says

a healthy fear is good to have, it’s what I choose to do with that fear that counts.

Of course she’s right.

I’m choosing to admit that I’m not invincible. I’m choosing to allow myself to be OK with the fact that  I’m not always strong. I’m choosing to not let this fear of slipping scare me into stopping altogether, just because I’m used to feeling shitty this time of year.

In the end I can’t fast forward anything. I can only take it as it comes and try to motivate the parts of me that want to tuck away and hide from the world.

Some day I hope I can afford to travel to warm every year when the snow comes, or relocate all together. I really think in the future I’ll be considering it strongly again. When my kids get older, perhaps they will want to come stay sometimes too. I don’t know. I realize that’s way down the line.

The very near future however will bring crappy weather, so I guess I’m just going to find ways that it won’t affect me so much. Perhaps light therapy, generally improving my exersize regimine, and adding more positive…maybe increased therapy for a few months; anything that will get me out of being worried that I’ll slip.

I continue to live by the words of Robert Frost:

The only way ’round, is through.

Through for me isn’t very easy most times. I know I’m not alone.

I am 54 days sober. (Silver lining)

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

An Actual Decent Monday

I had a good day today. I finished my Image Manipulation class with an A. Woot!

I had to change my class for school next period though, because it’s not the right one I need. Other than that, that was my only real issue today.

I scored a really cool vintage easel box that was completely unused, and another huge box of craft paints with tons of brushes as well this afternoon. I’m pretty happy about that. My remote shutter/flash release works excellently as well. I can’t wait to get my light kit next, which is coming in a few months.

I’m not really floating on cloud nine lately, but I’m holding steady despite some small crying fits.
I’m glad I live alone because I don’t like anyone to see or hear me cry at all. Absolutely hate it.
My son’s Death date is coming up soon. I think that’s a contributing factor. Seems there’s always something triggering my brain to go back.
Keeping busy will be my best bet to deter my own self.

Hey, “Fake it until you make it”; whatever works.

Fall is coming and I’m loving the breezy weather here. Not looking forward to Winter at all though. I hate the snow.

Whelp, there’s the wrap up for me today. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me as well; thank the gods.

As always and forever, Love Yourself. Xo

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

Milford Cemetery

2

I Took some shots in Milford Cemetery last weekend.

I really enjoy cemeteries because they are one of the only places I feel calm. I don’t really know why.

I’m fairly happy with the shots, but still can’t wait to get my new camera next month.

Beautiful moss patterns.     Family Plot32      14100_117115a  15b  15c43      3121  523drug log rest    syringes29     243536     3022  20  1898    71716 12 10wpid-2015-10-25-20.43.28.jpg.jpeg

“It must be worth losing if it is worth something”

J. Rounds ©2015

GOLD KEY LAKE

100_1110I took these pictures over the weekend at Gold Key Lake. It’s the private lake in my neighborhood that I live in, and it’s beautiful. People go canoeing and boating and the lake is hooked to a restaurant further up closer to my house.

I love living in this neighborhood.  It’s safe, and there is never a shortage of wildlife and nature to photograph. I will definitely miss it when I go back to Michigan in the Spring.

100_1117  100_1123  100_1121100_1118  100_1120100_1129100_1130  100_1128100_1125100_1124  100_1127100_1126

Because You’re Mine…I Walk the Line

Every day you have opportunity to grow.  I am forced to look beyond my stupid, little world tonight; and to fully recognize what I have truly done to my children’s lives; when I left Michigan to come to Pennsylvania, to be well.

I knew I needed to leave Michigan, firstly. I was doing deliberate, compulsive things to hurt myself in many ways. I was walking streets alone at night at 2-3 am in the morning; highways even; miles and miles a night, with no regards for my safety at all. I was walking past the funeral home where my son’s service was held, almost every night; looking into the windows when they were closed; in hopes I’d see my dead son roaming the halls, and that maybe I could communicate with him. I was in active addiction on and off; but mostly on. I was starving myself on purpose; I lost over 100 pounds. I was not in counseling or on any kind of medication at all. I was involved with people I had no business being around at all, because they were shady and up to no good. I effectively destroyed and disengaged completely from anyone important in my life and started to isolate. I was highly suicidal and started formulating plans and scenarios in which to fulfill it; writing suicide letters and making final suicide videos. I was in effect, going crazy.

I did not know that I was suffering from, nor was I diagnosed with, PTSD at that time.  All I knew was that I did not want to continue down the road I was going on and if I did not get out, I would die.  I did not want to.

After moving to a childhood friend’s house for a bit, I decided it was best for me to come to PA to try to get my life back together again, for my kids and for myself.

I always thought, that if my kids knew I loved them, that I would be able to keep a relationship with them, as if I had never even left.  I don’t why I thought this at all; surely it was a lie I told myself to keep from feeling the devastation of them not being in my life anymore on a frequent basis, as they had been before.

This was not the case.

By coming to Pennsylvania for a better, more peaceful life; and not having the means to travel back and forth to them accordingly; I have myself; cut off any real relationship that I could have had with them.  This was not originally what I intended to do, but it IS what has happened.

I learned tonight that both my children are struggling with issues regarding me not being around, to the point that it is affecting their health. It is devastating to me to know I have done this to them.

I also learned that by saying I was moving back, but then deciding not to; that I made it even worse; to the point that my kids feel they aren’t loved by me at all.  All the calls in the world and the I love yous, can’t change these facts; OR take away that damage; because I am not there.

Sometimes when I think I am doing the very best I can do, it comes into light that I am not; at all. These latest things that were explained to me tonight have made me understand clearly that I have some hard choices to make; and some work to get done to make it happen.  I question how I could not have realized it myself; but I think that sometimes things just fall into place when they need to; and it was now I needed to know.

Every choice you make in life directly impacts not only yourself, but most often many others around you as well. As much as you may think you are doing what’s best for all involved; you can inadvertently be doing more damage than you even are aware of.

I did not intend to hurt my children.  In fact, my children are the most beautiful people I know in my life and the most precious to me.  So now I intend to form a plan to show it.

I do not regret coming to Pennsylvania to find my soul again. I am stronger than ever before and I know I have it in me to achieve great things in life.  I do however regret that I did not think it through enough, and that my children got caught in my wake, once again.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I hope they will forgive me one day.

I will be going back in the Spring to Michigan, to start over ONE more time.  This time I will follow through. I will show my children that they are loved; and that I am a better mother now, for having come out here.

They deserve the world;  and that’s all that matters to me. I am grateful they have someone in their life that is loving them as their own as well. I’m also grateful she took the time to speak with me tonight directly. It 
was what I needed to hear for sure.

Thank you.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-04-20-28-21.jpg