The title goes here. Free writing.  

There is no pre-determined guarantee for relationships.

Love is often confused with many other things, but when it is real; the “feel it in your bones” feeling of love, never goes away.

It is always there despite, no matter what the situation…. for better or worse.

It’s waiting in the back of me every time; to love again; when the trials of our lives ease up, and I come back down to reality. I cannot stop the feeling no matter how hard I try to, and you will have to make me hate you, to get me to stop.

That’s ME fully, that’s HOW I AM. That’s how I love.

Please don’t make me hate you.

I have always loved hard.

I fall too easily, I trust too easily, I believe what people tell me too easily….all the time…I always have. 

I like to believe that I’m worth love. 

But the kind of love, and the idea of love I have always searched for, is something that I can’t ever seem to fully get all the way. 

I’ve had two failed marriages; one 10 months, another 13 years. A five-year, online, long-distance, fuck up my life completely, cluster fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk of a “relationship”; and now T.

Those ARE my major relationships in my adult life.

No one compares to T.

I struggle every day to be the kind of woman that T deserves. I know I am failing, and then I ask myself why, and what I will do about it. 

I wish really, that there was a guarantee that we will make it; but there’s not. 

The only guarantee there is, is the one that I make to myself. 

I will continue to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants.

I don’t believe in hiding who you are from anyone anymore… especially the man you love.

I know that things aren’t perfect in my life right now…or my relationship.

But I do know that T is the only man, who has made me feel like I deserved love. And I never thought I’d ever feel that from a man. I never had until him. 

I guess that’s why they say love is patient.

I hope that I can work out my life, so that I can be the woman, that I know I am.

The damage I carry is real, and I’ve had more than I care to have these last months, and it fucks up everything…to the point that I have to make the choice to stop letting it infect, every good thing that I touch. 

It’s hard when there’s stuff you need to talk about and understand, but you know there’s probably no way you ever could, because you weren’t given the option upfront to know about it.

I can’t figure out what I could have done differently…except for me to do the exact opposite thing, and I obviously made the choice to be in this relationship. 

 I’m not a quitter. 

Every day is a new day to try. 

“Love without Limits, Fight without Fear.” 

It’s tattooed on my arm, but what does that mean to ME?

I made it up. Truth. Because I had made a choice that day to try to understand myself; and those are two things I try to do.

I hope there is a God AND that he will help me.

This is a free writing ramble.

I am sober, alive, confused, hurt, determined, and in love.

I need a miracle to fix my brain, and my life. 

I’m really just trying to be as positive as I can right now;

And I don’t feel bad for writing any of this, because it’s gotten me to this very moment.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

No go.

It’s kind of to the point where I am just going with the flow. 

I didn’t get the pet hotel job I applied for, because they wanted me to work at any time, and at any shift; I’m not going to do that. Apparently you have to be some kind of available always, to pick up cat and dog shit. 

NO. 

I’m looking for something else. 

I guess I just wonder what my days even mean anymore. 

What’s the point.

I feel like a tennis ball, being thrown against a wall repeatedly.

I spend more time talking to myself, than anything else.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Get a job Jen…

I woke up today and wasn’t really feeling it, but now I’m doing fairly alright.

4 months, 16 days sober.

It’s sometimes hard to forgive myself, when I’ve made such a mess of my life.  I realize that just because I’m doing the right thing now; doesn’t mean there’s not still repercussions of the past to have to deal with.

It’s not so enjoyable.

I’m fairly certain that it’ll be ok. It’s just that not all the puzzle pieces are there yet, and it’s literally like some kind of video game that I’m trying to manuver my way through legitly; without losing my life or sanity.

It sounds dramatic… but that’s how it feels.

Today I will go to the animal hotel next door, and see if they might be hiring. I’m good with animals, and I figure my situation is nothing that more money couldn’t help. I’ll also go to the Alzheimers senior care building…surely they need help with something. I can clean, cook well too. I don’t know.

How bad do I want to work for a life that is what I want it to be?

At this point, I’m done sitting back, and trying to do it my way exclusively.

I need a job, and that’s just what has to happen next.

Anybody wanna’ hire a weirdo with a good heart and an OCD brain? 😉

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe…

Maybe it’s because it means more….

to struggle for things you need and want.

If there was no struggle, then there wouldn’t really be that much of a reward in the end.

It wouldn’t mean anything.

I don’t know if that’s exactly true; but it’s what I tell myself when I feel beside myself, and upside down. 

Just keep going.

Today I feel good enough, and there is reason to believe that it might just be a good day after all. 

I have faith.

T and I have decided to stay where we are for now, and to take this next month and really find a place that will suit us.

I believe that things and moments come to you when you really need them. 

I’m going to stop expecting, and start accepting. 

I think it can only help in the end. 

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Yep.

So we got the money back from the company that tried to scam us.

I’m surely happy about that.

We are currently looking for something more suitable (regarding housing).  We have had to start all over again.

I’m sick of the application fees and process, and the fact that everybody acts like you need a secret password to get accepted into their shit-hole house or apartment. 

They don’t even know how much better their property will be after I get to it. I am an artist, and I WAS a professional interior/exterior painter and decorator for almost 8 years, before I had my kids…so yeah you guys are ridiculous. I can make anything look like Better Homes and Gardens.

We did get accepted for another house; but we declined to rent it, because they were charging us too much for having cats.. “pet fees.”

If you have pets nowadays and want to rent affordably, you can pretty much forget about it. Now you’ll be paying $150-300 upfront on an animal deposit, and at least $15-30 bucks a month for each pet you have, on top of it, just for having the animal in the first place.

Joy. Joy. 

I’m seriously considering finding homes for all 3 of my cats (I don’t want to); because obviously when you have pets and are renting, you are punished for what every other irrresponsible pet owner has ever done before you. 

And that’s how I feel about it.

That’s not us, so fuck you; is what I think. You’re supposed to paint and replace the carpet anyways, and that’s rarely even done, Ffs. I’m NOT paying animal rent AND an animal deposit; for cats that are well-behaved and don’t ruin stuff… Not happening.

The past week has totally sucked in every facet.

I pretty much don’t even want to think about it, but I have to.

The only good things about this last week; up until now; have been the fact that we are still sober (4 months, 13 days), T and I are still together, and we are both safe.

I hope in the end, we will manage just fine. I’m still glad to be away from the people and the BS, of our former neighborhood.

Silver lining, I guess.

I wonder what this day will bring, and if I can get through it with Grace.

Loving that little girl inside of me today, because she’s a little scared, and her wings are really tired.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I tell myself again today, to live in the moment…before it is gone forever…..

Today is what I make of it. It’s impossible to live today, if I’m living in tomorrow or yesterday.

I have been in better spirits; but I am sober and still alive;  I guess that’s all that really matters, considering.

The sarcasm and anxiety I expressed yesterday, was exactly that. It was warranted completely; a company is basically trying to take our money illegally; so I can’t apologize for yesterday’s post, and the colorful, rainbow fucks that WERE definitely given.

My Brooklyn took over.

I’m pretty sure that even Oprah has opened up a huge can of F bomb on occasion, to save her own Oprah sanity. 

I am NO Oprah; and I am well aware of this fact….just sayin’.

I’ve come to some hard conclusions about life the last days, and it’s just not worth it to play the “I’m fine” game, when there are certain things, that I am far from being fine on, like people stealing from us, when we are trying to get our lives together and fully healthy. Also it just isn’t worth not venting openly in some form, especially when I’m writing to heal myself from the inside out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still glad I am off the synthetic meds and stopped the alcohol, even though I have the ups and downs.

At least I can actually feel now, and it makes it easier to know what my core emotions are, and where they come from. I felt like the meds were just masking my symptoms, but they were never really controlling them. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of life where I’ll just power through hard things, without emotion, and in full control. MOST times I hate that I feel at all; but I know that if I don’t, I’ll just be an empty shell; as I’ve said before, that’s not a life I want anymore for me.

I don’t think you can cure me with a pill or a drink or a shot. I think the only thing that’ll truly work for me is a labotomy, and I simply can’t find anyone to do it, that I can afford OR trust. LOL.

I hate the fact that you can see my damage in my eyes, and on my face. I can erase the lines on my face easy enough; but the eyes NEVER lie. It is hard for me to look into them sometimes, because I don’t much know how to fix it so it doesn’t remind me of the past, and all the things I have come to hate and realize about myself.  I don’t want to live there anymore, and IT IS a daily battle to overcome.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to find a psychotherapist that can actually help me. Someone that won’t try to put me on pills to fix me; but will actually help me cope with the way that I was made naturally, AND the trauma that I tend to carry around like a best friend with VIP access to the worst version of me.

Everyday I realize that I am not in control of my emotions. I would like to find a way to be able to properly think something through, before reacting negatively or overreacting.

I also think I need anger management. I have rage and bitterness in me, that needs to be addressed, and I don’t want to be angry or hurtful to anyone at all. It doesn’t look good on me.

I do not have the coping mechanisms that I am supposed to have, and it is hard to feel peace full-time, when you know that you are not at your best. 
I don’t know what my best is; but I do know that I have to keep fighting to find it. Just being sober simply isn’t enough for me anymore.

I also know that there will always be things to work on regarding myself, and there are always new goals to meet and to work for. 

Today I hope for a good day, with some good juju sprinkled on top. We have proof we paid the money, and so I surely hope we will get it back, as we should.

I am trying my hardest to not be afraid of the unknown, and to embrace it. 

I blame myself for my own failures, and noone else. It IS hard for me to trust fully though, due to direct contact with people like this asshole we are dealing with now, and otherwise generally assholish others.

In the end, I know in order to keep moving forward, this moment is all that matters, and so I’m refocused to just take it as it comes…it’s really all any of us can do anyways.

Love yourself every day, even if you don’t think you deserve it. You are the only one that can decide that you are worthy.

You are worth love, and you are worth forgiveness.  You are worth a better life.

Forgive yourself daily if you have to, and don’t give up.

I hope your day is wonderful. Also I wanted to let you know, that I do not own automatic weapons or guns of any kind, and I am not planning on it;  your sides of beef are totally safe. 😉

{This ain’t a scene, it’s a god damn arms race}

Gotta’ love the *Disclaimers. ^^^^^^^ 😉

Laters.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

No simple way, so I’ll F bomb some…There’s the warning…

You just have to love my ridiculous blog names, if nothing else. LOL *rolls eyes.

There are NO “simples” in my life AT ALL.

Every single thing I try to do has a process, or a sub-process of a process that I have to do, before I can ever get anything fucking done. It’s seriously just like math, which I cannot stand AT ALL.

It’s frustrating. It’s draining. It makes me want to bash my head into a tree and fire automatic weapons at sides of beef. 

No joke.

If that makes me sound crazy and stressed out, then I have made my point. 

It just never ends. 

It’d be fine if it was like 35% of the time all fucked up; but I’m riding on a high 80-90% average; and seriously, I’m just done with it.

I do not know why extremely shitty people of the world, seem to get everything with minimal effort, and skate on through life like they don’t give a shit about anyone or anything; and I have to play nice with God and keep tumbling through life feeling like a plastic bag in the wind; even though I’m putting in every effort I can muster.

I mean, COME ON.

Even when every single thing is in order, there is ALWAYS a glitch that creates MORE full-on anxiety and days of worry. 

Really it’s nothing 20 grand and a fucking break wouldn’t fix. 

WTF is that?

I don’t know what breaks are at all.  The only “breaks” I’ve had, have been the times I checked into the psych ward. 

Enough said.

NO, I’m not whining. I’m pissed off and tired of fucking bullshit and life’s bullshit, and the way you need money, money, money for fucking everything, and there’s just NO end to it.

It seems that clawing and scratching my way through is the only thing that ever gets me anywhere. 

I don’t know how to be OK with that.

My brain really can’t take it much longer, and I’m tired of the struggling.

Picking up the pieces of a broken life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, besides my son dying. TRUTH.

At the moment I feel calm; but I’m just waiting for the NEXT fucked up thing to happen. 

Seriously.

Trying to love myself; because I know if I don’t, I’ll fail for sure. 

3 days of more waiting. 

Friday can’t come soon enough.

I’m running out of air, and it is thick.

I’m super stoked for the rest of the day.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME