Dead in a Box Rotting….

I have to make phone calls tomorrow to get my site back online. There’s a side-thought. It’s annoying to me. And this whole “new site” situation has been a big F’ ing headache and hassel for so many reasons; it doesn’t help that I can’t focus.

Or this keyboard on this phone doesnt add in the puncuation and capitalization that my old Iphone did.

So awesome.

I also just talked to my mother and found out that my real father is dead.

Last February sometime, I guess.

I’d never met him…and truthfully I really don’t think I give one shit.

Who was the shittier father? My biological, or my step?

That’s rhetorical, as the day is long.

I was told by my step-father; when I confronted him at 19 yrs. old; that “he did the best he could; with what he had to work with.”

Yeah…..try not knowing your piece of shit father isn’t your real father; and your REAL father is a life-time felon, rapist and murderer; piece of shit.

You’d never begin to know what that feels like.

My whole family knew. I didn’t.

I had to figure it out myself.

I had ZERO to work with from you or anyone. My whole life.

And you were a shitty father; and still are to me. Always have been.

You never once apologized for any of it; either of you. None of it. None of the shit you did to my mother or sisters either.

So yeah; who really gives one shit about either of you.

And your shams of a life.

You never did about me.

I was YOUR child.

People wonder why my life has been fucked up.

Fuck you both.

I’m not bitter; I’m right.

You are both dead to me.

J.Rounds ©2018~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.


If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.



I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.


I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 


I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Allowing Myself to Realize Real Life and Me

I think of all the times that others have stolen parts of my soul; either by deep emotional or physical hurt; and why I did absolutely nothing about it; but take it.

Some wounds are special kinds of gifts wrapped up in empty feelings, fear, and many sleepless nights. Dreams that never had a chance of coming true, but swept you away in the madness of what could have been; became your friend, and the only thing you wanted to know. Taught you a lesson…although hard to bear.


You get blinded by it. You become used to it. You forget to look within yourself for any kind of answers at all, and you start to feel comfortable with the good in the bad.

For me it’s a very familiar feeling to have; although these days I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to be the better person… let my pain go…Forgive. Forgive myself.

But I still will never forget.

We all carry pain inside us that will never leave; and we all carry secrets. When you try to live in it, you become a product of your enviroment. Over the last years I have tried to speak candidly and truthfully about some of the pain that I carry.

This has been a blessing and a curse.

I am not a perfect person, but I am a good person. This much I know for sure. My ghosts hurt me mostly now, because I think about what my life would have been like, had I made better  choices for myself. I also know, I can’t go back, only forward.

I hope that maybe someday soon I can find it in my heart to forgive you for good…and myself.

In the end I know it is for the best.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me