Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME