I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.
Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.
Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.
I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.
A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.
My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.
It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.
It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.
It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.
I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.
The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.
I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.
I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.
Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.
Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.
The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.
I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.
It wasn’t a dream.
I have remorse for it and will for always.
But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.
This is today.
Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.
Almost two years next month.
I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.
I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.
Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.
Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.
I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.
Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.
Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.
Maybe you do too.
Maybe life is what we make of it.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME