So, here’s the change in me. Every day it is new. Every day I am growing. It is a slow, but assured thing; that I am excited about.
I have boundaries. I have to. I like it that way. I’m happy I’m able to be free to be ME again. I’m NOT actively hurting now. I can be strong and keep healing.
It’s a good thing; like my boundaries.
I beat all the worst parts of myself into submission. I lined them up; and made them ALL accountable for their actions. I made peace with myself. Every, single quirk I have, and ever had, as well. I Let go of the fact that I spent so long screwing up my life….for whatever reasons they were. I vowed to never stoop to that level again.
Because what is this life for anyways? For ME; surely not to be an alcoholic, piece of shit mother, and person…which is what I was.
That is not my path. That was the path my sickness and mental disorder wanted me to take.
I am NOT my alcoholism; I am NOT the bad parts of my mental disorder. At the end of the day, I know right from wrong. At the end of the day, noone can save me from myself; but ME.
I KNEW I was better than THAT.
It was only THEN that I started to see my path appear. It was only then; that I wanted to LIVE…and started fighting to.
Be your own change for yourself. Start by not letting yourself down EVER again. That’s what I’m doing with the hard things in my life; and what I recommend for others trying to change their unhealthy ways and flaws. It takes daily practice in the beginning and you will fail. When you are used to chaos and self-sabotage; it takes daily decision making to keep yourself from doing stupid stuff. It is SO worth it to REALLY be accountable to yourself; and think things through before you fold. It emanates to every avenue of your life; and soon you’ll start to see…that the hard things you’ve been through in your life, and by yourself; can be dramatically less. You have choices about how you ARE. Start inspiring yourself to keep going no matter what.
Allow yourself the time and let go of things you can’t change. Make NEW memories always.
Let go; and let live.
I don’t know how I am still alive; or how I got to this place in my life; but I know for a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t anything but ok. You could totally tell that I was not ok; as my actions proved it… so. It didn’t get me anywhere.
I couldn’t be more grateful today; to finally feel like I am actually LIVING. I’m glad I stopped synthetics and alcohol. Every day. I removed negative things in my life because I have to now.
I’m single; but I’m really ok with that; and getting better on that fact daily. I’m focusing on personal goals. Staying sober, getting an apartment, work, my kids, travel, other family and true friends, being responsible, projects and goals I want to achieve; but over all of that… having fun doing all of it!!!
Alone is fine.
Today I am one year, two months, and 12 days sober.
I have accomplished many goals within this period of time; that in the beginning of this; I did not think I could achieve. Like staying sober.
That’s different for me now.
The more I live with honesty; the easier it becomes to know the way.
I’m not a Jesus Crispy at all; OR a perfect person by far. I just think that the only thing that really matters in something; is the intention behind it.
I’m tired of wasting time on things that don’t matter; like people that don’t appreciate me, and things that make me hurt. I know for a fact that life comes and goes in the blink of an eye, and I DON’T want to miss it.
Day off. Im still doing things.
I am living for today. 🙂
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME