Full-time decent person this year for for me.

“Be the person you want to be all the time, not just when people are looking.”

There is something to be said about marching to the beat of your own drum.

There is something to be said about being a full-time decent person, that marches to the beat of their own drum as well.

The friend circle is smaller for people like me, by nature, because I don’t like to people all the time anyways.

Now, that I try to do the right thing; my friend circle is even smaller.

I’m not as entertaining anymore.

Decency equals boring, right?

Not right.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter to me about the numbers of friends that I have in my personal circle.

Does it, Ozzy.

No.

Quality is much better for me.

Tomorrow is my 47th Birthday, and it has been a BS-axing year for me.

I am sober, and I thank myself for that.

Birthday gift.

I am moving forward, although there are many kinds of pitfalls and drop-offs that like to shake stuff up for me, I’m finding.

I’m weeding through it daily.

That’s the best way I can put it.

I’m not jazzed about certain things in my life, but I know it’ll be up to me, all of it; to push through it, and change those things.

It’s my life.

It’s days like this that make me anxious.

My Birthday and all; really any significant date in my life.

I do hope the year will be a good one for me, and I think it will be.

It’s days like this that I remember, that I’ve made it this far, and what the journey means.

Also that age is just a number.

Live.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Never Let Me Down.

So, here’s the change in me. Every day it is new. Every day I am growing. It is a slow, but assured thing; that I am excited about.

I have boundaries. I have to. I like it that way. I’m happy I’m able to be free to be ME again. I’m NOT actively hurting now. I can be strong and keep healing.

It’s a good thing; like my boundaries.

I beat all the worst parts of myself into submission. I lined them up; and made them ALL accountable for their actions. I made peace with myself. Every, single quirk I have, and ever had, as well. I Let go of the fact that I spent so long screwing up my life….for whatever reasons they were. I vowed to never stoop to that level again.

Because what is this life for anyways? For ME; surely not to be an alcoholic, piece of shit mother, and person…which is what I was.

That is not my path. That was the path my sickness and mental disorder wanted me to take.

I am NOT my alcoholism; I am NOT the bad parts of my mental disorder. At the end of the day, I know right from wrong. At the end of the day, noone can save me from myself; but ME.

I KNEW I was better than THAT.

It was only THEN that I started to see my path appear. It was only then; that I wanted to LIVE…and started fighting to.

Be your own change for yourself. Start by not letting yourself down EVER again. That’s what I’m doing with the hard things in my life; and what I recommend for others trying to change their unhealthy ways and flaws. It takes daily practice in the beginning and you will fail. When you are used to chaos and self-sabotage; it takes daily decision making to keep yourself from doing stupid stuff. It is SO worth it to REALLY be accountable to yourself; and think things through before you fold. It emanates to every avenue of your life; and soon you’ll start to see…that the hard things you’ve been through in your life, and by yourself; can be dramatically less. You have choices about how you ARE. Start inspiring yourself to keep going no matter what.

Allow yourself the time and let go of things you can’t change. Make NEW memories always.

Let go; and let live.

I don’t know how I am still alive; or how I got to this place in my life; but I know for a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t anything but ok. You could totally tell that I was not ok; as my actions proved it… so. It didn’t get me anywhere.

I couldn’t be more grateful today; to finally feel like I am actually LIVING. I’m glad I stopped synthetics and alcohol. Every day. I removed negative things in my life because I have to now.

I’m single; but I’m really ok with that; and getting better on that fact daily. I’m focusing on personal goals. Staying sober, getting an apartment, work, my kids, travel, other family and true friends, being responsible, projects and goals I want to achieve; but over all of that… having fun doing all of it!!!

Alone is fine.

Today I am one year, two months, and 12 days sober.

I have accomplished many goals within this period of time; that in the beginning of this; I did not think I could achieve. Like staying sober.

That’s different for me now.

The more I live with honesty; the easier it becomes to know the way.

I’m not a Jesus Crispy at all; OR a perfect person by far. I just think that the only thing that really matters in something; is the intention behind it.

I’m tired of wasting time on things that don’t matter; like people that don’t appreciate me, and things that make me hurt. I know for a fact that life comes and goes in the blink of an eye, and I DON’T want to miss it.

Day off. Im still doing things.

I am living for today. 🙂

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s not Impossible and is Never too Late, to Change the Negative Things You Grew up Learning. 

Change is hard, when you are conditioned to believe a certain way; or have conditioned yourself to think a certain way; because that’s the way you’ve always known for so long.

That does not mean that change is not possible, if it is something that you really choose to do for yourself.

People do it every day. 

You can be one of those people.

…………………………………………………….

I used to feel afraid of saying how I felt, because I thought that no one cared to hear me; or I would offend someone because I had an opinion that didn’t match theirs; or I would get in trouble some how.

In the end, the only one that suffered for it….was ME

When I was a child…many times just walking into the room, would cause my step-father to react badly to me. Especially if he had been drinking.  I was conditioned to believe that I needed to be a certain way… or stay away… or do this, this way… Or think this way… for any kind of safety; regarding not getting hit or punished; or for any kind of valid love my step-father ever gave me (or my idea of what I thought “valid love” was, back then, as a child.)

I tried to act accordingly…but often failed because the goal was unattainable. I was not my step-father’s real child; and because of that, he hated me for it. I was treated as if something was wrong with me; and nothing was ever good enough…much differently than my two sisters, that were his blood, and real children.

I just stopped trying after a while, and rebelled instead.

I never thought highly of myself at all; and it showed by my actions.

I think writing saved my life when I was younger; because I could get my thoughts down and out of my mind, and I didn’t have to upset anyone in the process.

I could say the things to my father that I wanted to say, without fear. I could also bury my thoughts to be able to cope.

The truth is my father scared me. Every day, up until the time he left my mother, I was afraid of what the day held at my house. I stayed away from my house as much as I could growing up; and then when I was older and into my older teen years, I hated my step-father as much as I ever loved him.

Hate is a strong word, and a sin, I know.

I still did though.

I held on to that hate for so long, and the conditioning carried over into my adult life.

I subconsciously and consciously sought out people that were never truly satisfied with anything, as well as anything I did. I became the same kind of way.

I was used to conforming to what people wanted. I spent a great deal of my life doing it.  Almost 40 years. It often was never good enough, because I wasn’t being me…and it always came through. I melted into the idea of what other people wanted me to be, because every time I had an opinion that didn’t match someone else’s….bad things seemed to happen. In my head, I expected it to happen, Sometimes made it happen too. 

Occassionally still, it seems to still be that way;

but I am learning…

It took me a long time to realize, that the person really holding me back…was ME.

In fact, I struggle a lot with that core truth. 

Me being afraid to be myself; and voice my own opinions; was something I learned as a child; and I had to unlearn that way of unhealthy thinking. 

I am un-learning it STILL. It’s a process.

It’s taken actual effort, and time; and it’s not something that can be changed without either of these things.

I started to look at my life, and my choices that I did have control over. My father doesn’t call the shots for my life anymore…I DO. I can’t blame my past for my current life and problems anymore; because all it brings to me is despair and spinning wheels. 

There are many people in the world, who have had similar stories to mine, or even WAY worse things they’ve struggled through and have had to endure…and they HAVE.

I know it doesn’t make my struggle any less real to me; or any less painful; but I’m just saying, THOSE people who put the work in to change their way of thinking about their negative experiences; have most often endured; and went on to become much better people in the end of it all because of it; because they chose to learn from their struggle; take ownership of it; and rise above it, to achieve much greater, more positive things. 

A different way of thinking. Positive thinking and effort. Little, positive things adding up to bigger positive things; adding up to better positive thinking, and a better positive life in general. 

And it’s like that; and what I’ve found. 

Every day I try to be better than yesterday, to myself.

I figured I’ve spent a great deal of effort into making myself suffer in life, and those around me as well. I can make an equally, conscious effort into being decent and sober; and working every day for a healthy life, and a solid mind-set.

What I’ve really found is that THAT’S what suits ME best; and it’s when I’m most proud of myself. 

You can do it too. 

Make the choice to move forward, and don’t look back anymore. 

You can help people understand who you are; by being YOU, without apology.

Don’t let yourself down anymore, or live in the negative things you’ve learned. 

It’s worth it to make the choice to un-learn those things, because it will affect everything you do, and everyone you know, for the better. 

Only YOU can live YOUR life, and be proud of who YOU are. 

There’s really no kind of happiness without it; and you’ll forever be thankful that you can just be, without regret.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Journey.

Moving forward isn’t about everything going completely smooth and according to plan. 

It’s about the everyday choices you make for yourself; and remembering what’s important in life…doing what you have to do, to nurture those ideas.

Doing positive things in any capacity, is better than not. It’s not about the scale of the act; but the act itself.

Even when it’s hard, there’s a certain calm in me now, that I am grateful for.

I know it is about the journey…

And this is mine.

For once I am not afraid…and that comforts me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe…

Maybe it’s because it means more….

to struggle for things you need and want.

If there was no struggle, then there wouldn’t really be that much of a reward in the end.

It wouldn’t mean anything.

I don’t know if that’s exactly true; but it’s what I tell myself when I feel beside myself, and upside down. 

Just keep going.

Today I feel good enough, and there is reason to believe that it might just be a good day after all. 

I have faith.

T and I have decided to stay where we are for now, and to take this next month and really find a place that will suit us.

I believe that things and moments come to you when you really need them. 

I’m going to stop expecting, and start accepting. 

I think it can only help in the end. 

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

What I want for my Birthday, is to get into this house…

 

I hope it will work in my favor. I will be adding the link to my light kit later. This is just a stupid price. I’m not stoked at all, but it looks like it’s the only way it’ll work.  It’ll be interesting to see if it actually sells. I have a bet going with myself.

Wish me luck.

Love yourself.

 

 

Ad for my Camera

 

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

In Any Regard, I’d Spin in the Wind With You.

Funny how you change as a person, over time.

It seems like no matter what pressures hit me lately, I’m able to compartmentalize them down into smaller, more managable sections to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard, but I DO do it. It got me to thinking that things could be a lot worse, and THAT is progress. I couldn’t do that last year at all, without having major meltdowns lasting days and weeks, and then finally realizing I was just wasting time, on doing nothing.

I am blessed for the goodness in my life today, and the life and good sense that is coming back to me. 

I missed it.

There’s a lot of stuff going on for T and I, but we are moving in the right direction. On the one hand I’m terrified, and on the other, I’m ready for our future life together. It’s been challenging in many regards, for both of us.

I just think this is part of our story. Sober is not always easy.  But sober together is definitely better than drunk alone, in any regard.

Taking the safe and easiest route is not always feesible, OR smart.

When all the signs are there and line up, sometimes I really wonder why we waited so long to make a break.

I think we were both scared of messing up again, and letting each other down; instead of realizing that we both control what we do as people, and those choices need to mean something or it doesn’t. We owe it to the people we love…to love them in every regard. That includes ourselves, but in a much healthier way. 

I’m feeling confident that we will get there soon.  I am tired as well but I know we always find the rainbows, when the clouds pull away. Our “best” is yet to come, and now we can realize it fully. 

People, places, and things…

This is just part of the places part.

We are both three months, 15 days sober.

Love Yourself.
J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

Another Tuesday.

I have a therapy appointment today, which I need; because I’ve been acting out and feeling all hostile inside, out of frustration, anger and sadness. It’s not really a very good look on me anymore. I don’t like to escalate to this level.

It brings with it all kinds of unwanted judgement and accusations; and I’m unmotivated as fuck, to boot.

I wish I could have things the way I wanted them and not need to talk out my problems with a rent-a- friend. But I can’t have, and I do need it.

I’m grateful the option is there in my life, because I want to remain sober and moving forward. Two most important things.

Some day this void in me will close up; I hope.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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For Maddie, Christmas 2015.