It is said that knowing is half the battle, and I agree fully.
There’s another part though that matters just as much, and it’s what you do after you know.
I knew for a long time that I needed help to come back to ME. I knew I couldn’t do it alone too. I thought about change for a long, long time; for years.
I thought for a while that if I had a “good enough” life to the outside world, that that would fix things for me.
I was wrong.
I looked for happiness in bad relationships, material things, and other people’s opinions of me; like that was going to make my insides full of what I didn’t have.
I was wrong.
It took a long time to look at myself, for the simple fact that you never want to think that it’s your fault. No one does. You never want to think that you may be responsible for some of the worst parts/times of your life.
It’s easier to blame it on other people or on unfortunate circumstances.
I did that.
There are different stages of waking up, so it took me an awfully long time to look inward and actually get to implementing the changes in my life that I had only thought about before.
I’m waking up. There are still changes I’d like to make in my life.
It’s a process that I really wouldn’t change for anything at this point.
I honestly struggle sometimes to make sense of things I don’t understand. I can get overly anxious and I have to pull away and be mindful and deal with those feelings. I have bad days, but they are not full days of bad like they used to be. They are moments now; Sometimes multiple moments strung together; but mainly just small moments like my mind is backfiring, and then I come back to center and start running right again.
It’s a weird way to describe it, but yeah….that’s what it feels like.
It’s hard, still; but it’s not the unbearable, my life is over, I can’t go on hard like it used to be for me.
I think it will continue to get better the more sober time I get and the more I keep living life on life’s terms.
I am free of synthetic meds and have been for as long as I’ve been sober.
I don’t know if that’s where faith comes in or not.
Lately, and for a bit now, I’ve just been giving it over to the universe and knowing that I’m going to be ok, and that I am ok because I’m doing the right things for myself.
I’m walking the walk finally, every day, and it feels good. I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to anyone.
That feeling that has been with me since childhood has left the building.
I don’t think people really get that because they are so used to the old way I used to be.
I have cut people out of my life for that. I don’t regret it either.
They say that people come in and out of your life at appropriate times to show us what we need, so that we can make better choices for our own lives.
I’ve been embracing this theory and it’s been helping me to be a kinder, more gentle in nature, more understanding person than I used to be even six months ago.
I think over the years of trying to suppress myself, I built up walls and some things that weren’t really true, became to feel true to me.
I had to get past those things. I had to really look inside myself and look at how I contributed to my own sickness and my own unhealthy cycles.
It’s really freeing to make amends with yourself, to own your mistakes, to stop letting your mistakes define you, to make better choices.
It’s nice to be able to just live today in my skin, no matter what the day brings, and not have expectations on what level I need to be at, to be good enough for anyone else but me.
Sometimes I have bad days. It’s gonna’ happen. It sucks, but I work it out because that is who I am now.
I know I am so lucky to be able to still have this life, and I think about that every, single, day.
I needed the struggles to see the good in me again. I needed to know in myself that I was strong enough to turn my life around and that I could do good things with my life.
I needed good people, healthy people, people that loved me; to help me.
For a while, those people kept me alive, and that’s not a dramatization. I could never put into words how grateful I am for those people, but I try to all the time because I am thankful, and I know that by myself I could not have done it.
Now, today, it’s like the more I push past the fear of not knowing, the more chances I take to change my old thinking patterns, the stronger I become.
I have so many positive people in my life that I don’t want to be around negative ones because that’s not my normal anymore.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I am waking up.
I am 2 years, 4 months, and 23 days sober. I’m not looking backward anymore like backwards is my path.
My path is the one that I am forging today, and it’s not in that backward direction at all.
It’s a fact at this point, as well as a belief that I am on the right path.
This is MY path.
Putting genuine effort into being well, is an investment in yourself that will last a lifetime. Once you wake, you cannot go back to sleep.
This I know.
Thinking about change doesn’t change you either; only changing, changes you.
This I know for sure.
Believe that you can change the things in you that hold you down because you can. No matter what anyone else tells you.
The universe is with you.
Knowing is half of the battle. Look to the people who lift you up to show you the way.
The rest of it is up to you, and you alone.
You can do it.
J. Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME