When I looked in the mirror today; I saw myself.
I am many things; but a warrior of heart, I truly am.
There are not many things that I have on my list, of things I’ve done right in my life; but I made a choice to change that a bit back, and really work hard towards some personal goals; my sobriety being one of them.
I am 11 months, and 3 days sober today; and so is T.
Sober life is still a daily thing to live…and always will be for me. I do feel like though; if I never drank again…that would be more than just fine with me.
I don’t much think about the good times of my partying days anymore like I used to; because I choose to focus on the fact that it ruined my life more than anything else. I ruined my life.
That thought keeps me from sliding backwards. I’m not about to do that again at all.
I guess my real point is; is that it’s quite the opposite feeling of when I was 25 years old, and had just gotten my first DUI, after driving home from the bar with my girlfriend.
At the time, I could not imagine my life without alcohol, and didn’t want to. Didn’t think I had a drinking problem AT ALL. Truth is, I was on the corner drinking hard alcohol with my boyfriend, when I was 13 years old. So………yeah.
If I could have seen the future of the course my life would take; I’m positive I would have not believed it; and would have fucked my life up anyways. Maybe not; but probably. I don’t think I ever had the proper life skills to not F it up, to be completely honest. That might sound sad to some; and I’m fine with that; because it’s the truth.
I still knew right from wrong though, so I can’t fully blame it on that… Still, yeah; I really had no clue about anything; and I chose to live in chaos until I couldn’t anymore.
The one thing I know about addicts; is that they cannot be reached, until they want to be reached. This is almost always after there is nothing left to salvage of the persons esteem or life.
A desperate clinging to the drug of choice, until the drug of choice has betrayed the addict for the last time, and it is either VICES and DEATH…..or LIFE.
The addict mind will always be an addict mind. But you can teach your mind to focus on things that are good for your life, instead of bad.
The choice really is YOURS to make, and I think that’s what’s so hard for people with mental disorders and addictions to understand; because we often have felt/do feel powerless…controlled….like we had/have no choice OR voice in the matter.
YOU DO YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU DO HAVE A VOICE.
IN FACT, YOU; are the only one that can determine what your life will be.
I am sober today, because I choose to be. I choose to listen to my inner loving voice, because it protects me from my addict voice; and that voice is not something I want to engage with…it causes me to hurt myself and others.
My addict voice had my loving voice locked away for a long, long time; and it was not until I turned the lock on my addict voice, that my loving voice was set free…and started to love me again….and I started actually living for the first time in my life. I forgave myself. I loved myself enough to believe I deserved some things that were GOOD for a change.
And the change started…
I’m proud of myself, and of T.
I’m proud of every, single addict that ever stopped themselves from themselves…and chose to LIVE instead of dying slowly.
You are an inspiration and motivation to me. Thank you.
Keep loving yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME