Get a job Jen…

I woke up today and wasn’t really feeling it, but now I’m doing fairly alright.

4 months, 16 days sober.

It’s sometimes hard to forgive myself, when I’ve made such a mess of my life.  I realize that just because I’m doing the right thing now; doesn’t mean there’s not still repercussions of the past to have to deal with.

It’s not so enjoyable.

I’m fairly certain that it’ll be ok. It’s just that not all the puzzle pieces are there yet, and it’s literally like some kind of video game that I’m trying to manuver my way through legitly; without losing my life or sanity.

It sounds dramatic… but that’s how it feels.

Today I will go to the animal hotel next door, and see if they might be hiring. I’m good with animals, and I figure my situation is nothing that more money couldn’t help. I’ll also go to the Alzheimers senior care building…surely they need help with something. I can clean, cook well too. I don’t know.

How bad do I want to work for a life that is what I want it to be?

At this point, I’m done sitting back, and trying to do it my way exclusively.

I need a job, and that’s just what has to happen next.

Anybody wanna’ hire a weirdo with a good heart and an OCD brain? 😉

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s Friday…Check 1,2…Check 1,2.

I enjoy days like this….where I can get up and feel like, even if the world is falling to shit around me, I’m still going to do my thing and have a good day. 

I never felt this way when I was hungover.

 EVER.

Gotta’ say I prefer it, I really do.

It’s a Friday. In the recent past, I would consume alcohol to try to ease the anxiety of being in environments I didn’t fit into so well. I really did not fit in, and I felt it. So stupid to be even worrying myself with it at all, at this age.  It was a ridiculous routine… Every Friday/Saturday. It was a choice; my choice. I would put myself in the situations because I wanted to be like everyone else. I would drink to not care…like everyone else. 

Now that’s smart. Pfff. I know better. I’m an alcoholic. So that is stupid. 

I removed that whole equation and enviroment out of my life big time, because it’s best for me and my future, and for the people I love.  

I am not like everybody else.

I can’t drink because eventually I have lapses that are not good or healthy…or safe.

I know this. 

Maybe that is the end result; really reaching the point of knowing and understanding my cycles and triggers, and wanting to stay away from that side, because it kills me and everyone around me. I do. I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of never achieving anything.

I certainly very well could go drink tonight. But truly I’d feel like crap thee entire time, because I already know the outcome and end result of it all….

It is feeling and being alone because you are. It is losing everything and everyone important to you, because you will…again. It is the hopeless desperation of just being tired of life, of being numb to everything. It is hurting the people you love…dissappointing them more.. .Because you’re a self-destructive, selfish, hurting broken shell of a person that wants to die a miserable death and will no matter what it costs you or what it costs others? NO.

I don’t want that….Ever again.

NOT WORTH IT. 

Everybody hurts. Suck it up. Don’t hide behind a bottle.

I won’t go backwards again, and I refuse to.

Today on this Friday, I remind myself again; because it keeps me strong…and I’m not ashamed about it either anymore. I can’t be.

So this is my addiction Today. I don’t want to drink. When I talk about alcoholism not defining me, It’s because I know if I’m strong and I don’t drink, I win in the end…and it won’t define me. I won’t let it.

It’s not a choice to be an alcoholic, But it is a choice to be an active one. Functioning or not…like everything else.

I know this. I know this because I live it every day. I know I can’t drink and function productively, and so I won’t. 

Today I feel good and I feel alive and I am sober. I’m in a good enviroment and a decent relationship with someone that also wants to be healthy with me, and for me. We will most likely spend the weekend outside, and in each other’s company, living life without being hungover and miserable…living life like it was meant to be lived.

Eventually I know if I stick to my guns and walk the line, the good things I wish for with my future regarding my dreams and family and life will come.

I love these days. I can hear the birds singing and I know it’s going to be O.K.

I hope for more days like this. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Talking myself into doing something, so I’ll blog. It’s Monday.

Many things in my life have changed in a short amount of time, and I sometimes struggle to find the patience with myself that I know I should have. 

I’m meeting some goals, and not meeting others in the slightest and it feels very much like I am spread very thin and that any moment a crack will start. Wish this feeling would leave me. 

I know it is the fear of the unknown that makes me feel this way , but right now I am doing everything I can to talk myself out of being comfortable, and into fucking doing something to actively move forward.

One foot in front of the other.

I feel pressure. Mostly it is within myself, but it is a valid feeling. 

I’m going to suck it up and move forward. Because truly I don’t know what else to do, and I figure it’s better than having a total mental lapse where I don’t give a shit at all and say F it.

True facts. 

Got the feeling down on paper. It’s a rather general attempt at some motivation for me today. 

Walk the walk. 

{I don’t like Mondays}

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

You Got This

Even when you feel at a stand still and scared and you think there’s no business in continuing to even try; DON’T STOP.

What are you going to do; give in and give up and be defeated? NO.

You’ve come WAY too far to let a few set backs stand in the way of you living to your fullest potential; and you know better than that too.

This is exactly the kind of thinking that got you into this mess in the first place.  That negative stuff has GOT to go; get it out of there.

You have guts and moxy and a whole lot of awesome to share with the world in that little brain of yours, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

Everyone struggles with certain things, and the struggles keep you humble in the end.

It won’t be like this forever.  HANG ON.

There is no other option.
Giving up is NOT an option at all.
FIGHT FOR IT.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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FORCE

The best parts of yourself are deep seeded and rooted in the mind that is your own.

To fear change and growth will keep you held in the silence and the humdrum of missed opportunities and regrets.

There was never one so unique as you; for you are the only one of yourself.

Spread your wings, shine your light, and do not be afraid to show the world who you are.

The chance is yours for the taking if you take it.

Take it and move mountains with your words and actions.

You are the calm before the storm, the storm itself, and the rainbow that follows after the sun shows through again.

All of it is in you and always has been.

Make your own destiny.
Make your mark.
Make it count.

J Rounds © 2014 ~Peaces of me