I Remember You.

Today marks 10 years to the day that my 3 1/2 year-old son passed tragically in the hospital; while we were there for routine tests that ended up leading to complications from a radical surgery he had had the year before, to save his life. It was a sudden thing that none of us were prepared for at all, and ultimately it unfortunately led to his passing on this day, at 12:11 pm, 2008.

It IS the single most traumatic thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I went crazy because of it, and I had to fight my way back for a long time.

Everyone that new Karter, new what a light he was in this world. Strong. Resilient. A beautiful spirit.

We miss him every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some angels are only here for a little while; to show us things we need to know for the future and to give us the strength to get there.
I do not know if I will see Karter again, but I’d like to think so. He comes to me in my dreams. I know for sure he is better now, and that fact brings me peace.

Today I am keeping to myself. I’m thinking of my children, my sisters, my mother, my ex husband, and my family members that love him.

We were blessed to be in his life, and surely that he graced ours.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds; May 3rd, 2005- October 3rd, 2008.

I know you are, and that you show me the way to the light every day.

Sometimes things that are hardest to bear, ultimately end up making you so much stronger inside, and actually help you find a reason to keep going. Xo.

Love yourself.

I Remember You ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Weight

The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

So why you gotta’ go and sit on the weight?

What’s coming, who’s coming? I don’t know, aren’t you curious?

Why ya’ gotta’ go and have it all perfect before you leap?

You already know there is no net anyways, and you are the kind that always jumps.

What’s it going to take to get you off of this weight?

We need to move it, and let your life out for someone that will use it.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober Suits Me

When I looked in the mirror today; I saw myself.

I am many things; but a warrior of heart, I truly am.

There are not many things that I have on my list, of things I’ve done right in my life; but I made a choice to change that a bit back, and really work hard towards some personal goals; my sobriety being one of them.

I am 11 months, and 3 days sober today; and so is T.

Sober life is still a daily thing to live…and always will be for me. I do feel like though; if I never drank again…that would be more than just fine with me.

I don’t much think about the good times of my partying days anymore like I used to; because I choose to focus on the fact that it ruined my life more than anything else. I ruined my life.

That thought keeps me from sliding backwards. I’m not about to do that again at all.

I guess my real point is; is that it’s quite the opposite feeling of when I was 25 years old, and had just gotten my first DUI, after driving home from the bar with my girlfriend.

At the time, I could not imagine my life without alcohol, and didn’t want to. Didn’t think I had a drinking problem AT ALL. Truth is, I was on the corner drinking hard alcohol with my boyfriend, when I was 13 years old. So………yeah.

If I could have seen the future of the course my life would take; I’m positive I would have not believed it; and would have fucked my life up anyways. Maybe not; but probably. I don’t think I ever had the proper life skills to not F it up, to be completely honest. That might sound sad to some; and I’m fine with that; because it’s the truth.

I still knew right from wrong though, so I can’t fully blame it on that… Still, yeah; I really had no clue about anything; and I chose to live in chaos until I couldn’t anymore.

Not smart.

The one thing I know about addicts; is that they cannot be reached, until they want to be reached. This is almost always after there is nothing left to salvage of the persons esteem or life.

A desperate clinging to the drug of choice, until the drug of choice has betrayed the addict for the last time, and it is either VICES and DEATH…..or LIFE.

The addict mind will always be an addict mind. But you can teach your mind to focus on things that are good for your life, instead of bad.

The choice really is YOURS to make, and I think that’s what’s so hard for people with mental disorders and addictions to understand; because we often have felt/do feel powerless…controlled….like we had/have no choice OR voice in the matter.

YOU DO YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU DO HAVE A VOICE.

IN FACT, YOU; are the only one that can determine what your life will be.

I am sober today, because I choose to be. I choose to listen to my inner loving voice, because it protects me from my addict voice; and that voice is not something I want to engage with…it causes me to hurt myself and others.

My addict voice had my loving voice locked away for a long, long time; and it was not until I turned the lock on my addict voice, that my loving voice was set free…and started to love me again….and I started actually living for the first time in my life. I forgave myself. I loved myself enough to believe I deserved some things that were GOOD for a change.

And the change started…

I’m proud of myself, and of T.

I’m proud of every, single addict that ever stopped themselves from themselves…and chose to LIVE instead of dying slowly.

You are an inspiration and motivation to me. Thank you.

Keep loving yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

To Live…2018.

Every year I look back with a new respect for myself, the people I love, and the fact that the world is still spinning.

2017 is no exception.

On this 2018 New Years Day, I am nine months, six days sober. I’m finding every day that my attitude about things I find hard to deal with in life; only changes when I change it; allow the change to happen; and embrace the change fully. I have learned a lot this year about myself; and to what extremes I will go to for health and happiness.

I do not have to hold on to turmoil; or things, habits or people that cause my life stress or harm; and to spin out of control. I do not have to be that kind of person, that focuses on the negative either…and have been doing well In that area, compared to how I used to be. 

I’ll take that.

To value myself in times when others may not, or in situations that may not be ideal for me; causes a rift in my unhealthy thinking cycles; and it then pushes me towards the positive change, that is now starting to stem to every other aspect of myself, and my life.

Little things have added up.

The change was and is still slow sometimes; it is always ongoing, and often still frustrating….

But I AM becoming.

I WILL CONTINUE TO PUSH THROUGH THE BULLSHIT IN 2018.

This year, I’ve made a promise to myself, to live every single day as if it were my last and without regret at all; and to also help as many people as I can to feel worthy of doing the very same… NO REGRETS. I have goals that I’m excited to meet; and a hope that I will get to where I need to be; if I just keep, keeping on.
I look back at this last year….and it was difficult, but worth every single second. 

2018 is going to be a solid year for me, because I refuse to let it be anything else. 

It’s taken me a long time to get here….and I know it’s just begun. 

I couldn’t be more excited.

I hope your New Year will be full of positive things, happy moments, and goals met.

I also hope you rock it in your own kick-ass way…and LIVE it like there’s no tomorrow… Because that’s what really matters. 🙂

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Get a job Jen…

I woke up today and wasn’t really feeling it, but now I’m doing fairly alright.

4 months, 16 days sober.

It’s sometimes hard to forgive myself, when I’ve made such a mess of my life.  I realize that just because I’m doing the right thing now; doesn’t mean there’s not still repercussions of the past to have to deal with.

It’s not so enjoyable.

I’m fairly certain that it’ll be ok. It’s just that not all the puzzle pieces are there yet, and it’s literally like some kind of video game that I’m trying to manuver my way through legitly; without losing my life or sanity.

It sounds dramatic… but that’s how it feels.

Today I will go to the animal hotel next door, and see if they might be hiring. I’m good with animals, and I figure my situation is nothing that more money couldn’t help. I’ll also go to the Alzheimers senior care building…surely they need help with something. I can clean, cook well too. I don’t know.

How bad do I want to work for a life that is what I want it to be?

At this point, I’m done sitting back, and trying to do it my way exclusively.

I need a job, and that’s just what has to happen next.

Anybody wanna’ hire a weirdo with a good heart and an OCD brain? 😉

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s Friday…Check 1,2…Check 1,2.

I enjoy days like this….where I can get up and feel like, even if the world is falling to shit around me, I’m still going to do my thing and have a good day. 

I never felt this way when I was hungover.

 EVER.

Gotta’ say I prefer it, I really do.

It’s a Friday. In the recent past, I would consume alcohol to try to ease the anxiety of being in environments I didn’t fit into so well. I really did not fit in, and I felt it. So stupid to be even worrying myself with it at all, at this age.  It was a ridiculous routine… Every Friday/Saturday. It was a choice; my choice. I would put myself in the situations because I wanted to be like everyone else. I would drink to not care…like everyone else. 

Now that’s smart. Pfff. I know better. I’m an alcoholic. So that is stupid. 

I removed that whole equation and enviroment out of my life big time, because it’s best for me and my future, and for the people I love.  

I am not like everybody else.

I can’t drink because eventually I have lapses that are not good or healthy…or safe.

I know this. 

Maybe that is the end result; really reaching the point of knowing and understanding my cycles and triggers, and wanting to stay away from that side, because it kills me and everyone around me. I do. I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of never achieving anything.

I certainly very well could go drink tonight. But truly I’d feel like crap thee entire time, because I already know the outcome and end result of it all….

It is feeling and being alone because you are. It is losing everything and everyone important to you, because you will…again. It is the hopeless desperation of just being tired of life, of being numb to everything. It is hurting the people you love…dissappointing them more.. .Because you’re a self-destructive, selfish, hurting broken shell of a person that wants to die a miserable death and will no matter what it costs you or what it costs others? NO.

I don’t want that….Ever again.

NOT WORTH IT. 

Everybody hurts. Suck it up. Don’t hide behind a bottle.

I won’t go backwards again, and I refuse to.

Today on this Friday, I remind myself again; because it keeps me strong…and I’m not ashamed about it either anymore. I can’t be.

So this is my addiction Today. I don’t want to drink. When I talk about alcoholism not defining me, It’s because I know if I’m strong and I don’t drink, I win in the end…and it won’t define me. I won’t let it.

It’s not a choice to be an alcoholic, But it is a choice to be an active one. Functioning or not…like everything else.

I know this. I know this because I live it every day. I know I can’t drink and function productively, and so I won’t. 

Today I feel good and I feel alive and I am sober. I’m in a good enviroment and a decent relationship with someone that also wants to be healthy with me, and for me. We will most likely spend the weekend outside, and in each other’s company, living life without being hungover and miserable…living life like it was meant to be lived.

Eventually I know if I stick to my guns and walk the line, the good things I wish for with my future regarding my dreams and family and life will come.

I love these days. I can hear the birds singing and I know it’s going to be O.K.

I hope for more days like this. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Talking myself into doing something, so I’ll blog. It’s Monday.

Many things in my life have changed in a short amount of time, and I sometimes struggle to find the patience with myself that I know I should have. 

I’m meeting some goals, and not meeting others in the slightest and it feels very much like I am spread very thin and that any moment a crack will start. Wish this feeling would leave me. 

I know it is the fear of the unknown that makes me feel this way , but right now I am doing everything I can to talk myself out of being comfortable, and into fucking doing something to actively move forward.

One foot in front of the other.

I feel pressure. Mostly it is within myself, but it is a valid feeling. 

I’m going to suck it up and move forward. Because truly I don’t know what else to do, and I figure it’s better than having a total mental lapse where I don’t give a shit at all and say F it.

True facts. 

Got the feeling down on paper. It’s a rather general attempt at some motivation for me today. 

Walk the walk. 

{I don’t like Mondays}

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me