You and Me

A quiet distance that we are not afraid of and fight to understand 

Same space

Comfort in knowing you are there living this life with me

Somehow you are healing me 

There’s no denying it

Every day is the best day 

When I see your blues 

We will ride the storms together

Make our own rainbows

And chase the moon

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

……………………………………………………..

One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

……………………………………………………..

Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process 😉😅.

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

To Karter, May 3rd, 2017.

You’d be 12 today…that’s just crazy. 

I know you are gone, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting, or from wanting you back with me.

I know it would be selfish of me to accept that; if it were offered; but if I had a chance to do it all over again I would have done things so much differently, and maybe someone would have listened to me sooner. It still haunts me…but I know we can’t go back now.

It took me a long time to realize the full scope of your journey. At the time I was just doing anything I could to hold on to you a little longer. I didn’t want you to go. I was so afraid to lose you.

I still struggle to understand why there has to be such a thing, as suffering and pain, in souls that are so pure….but I cannot make sense of it. In light of this fact, I try to find some sort of acceptance in it instead…however small.

If I don’t, I will surely give up on everyone and everything, and I believe that that would not be what you would want from me. 

You changed me, and made me a stronger and a better person. You kept me alive with the memories of you, when I was at my lowest, and wanted to give up. It’s because of you that I fight to be a better person. 

I think of you often, and I like to think I’ll see you again. 

I know you’re better now, and I only ever wanted that for you. Sometimes it is just bittersweet, I guess. 

I love you… And thank you for showing me what real love and strength really means.

I never knew it before you.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s Tuesday, one thing I know for sure…

So things have got to keep moving forward no matter what, because anything else just won’t do for me. 

I can only be myself, have standards for myself, and live life in a way that makes me feel like I did something positive while I was here, instead of just suffering miserably and ruining shit.

Every day I live this life, and I feel it fully. I can’t make sense of the way things go, and it is always the opposite of what it seems to be. 

I’m tired of it.

Quite honestly, I’m beside myself in some very big ways today, and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around some things, and make sense of it all. All of it has made me feel like I’m not worth one thing, but I know it’s not my issue. Still, I have to live and deal with it, feel the pain from it, and I feel like I am on the outside looking in, and will never know the full scope of what I’m dealing with. I also feel alone and betrayed; it fucking sucks, and my only hope is that it won’t happen again.

I can’t make people tell me the truth. It pains me that I always think people will, but they never do…and I can’t figure out why I don’t deserve it.

People wonder why my concept of love is so asku, and this is why.

I’m going to be working on my goals for myself, because I think I need to realize that I need to stop worrying, and just keep taking care of me.

I’m trying to work out things, because I think it’s important to fight for what you want and need in life… but relationships these days, are not what they used to be. I wish I felt like I wasn’t going to be all alone when I die, but I do. 

I hope I’m wrong about that.

What will happen, will happen…and I can’t stop it. I can only control myself, and I will.

I’m STILL sober. Karter’s Birthday is STILL tomorrow.

This journey is mine alone…and I always wonder where it’s going to end up.

Today is today though.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling better…

Things are beginning to feel a bit more stable again for me…good deal.

Although I still have my issues and ups and downs, I am working daily on focusing on the positive, and trying to keep my head space clear of BS, drama, and outside negativity. Even though I’m still my own worst enemy, for the most part, it’s working. I find staying off social media more as well, makes me feel better about my own life; forces me to live it, instead of living through other people.

I’m also SO glad to be off the synthetic meds, and feeling better physically. This has helped tremendously with my moods. I’ve never actively tried to be well without Big Pharma. before, and I’m for once excited and motivated to be well naturally instead. 

Never again will I put that synthetic shit in my body. It’s not for me. I’d much rather be medicinal 420 friendly and healthy, than depend on meds that make me gain weight, cause me to have high cholesterol, heart disease, and joint problems so I have to take and depend on other meds. to fix it, or to be on meds that make me have auditory hallucinations and feel like a junky when I don’t have them. NO THANKS. At least I know the herbal works on my anxiety, PTSD, and pain regarding my shoulder. No side effects.  I’m in control of my own body, and I’m not going to get sick If I don’t have it. If anyone wants to judge me for it, go for it, because truly I don’t give a shit about anybody else’s opinion on it at all.

Just know I’m still here, alive and kicking, and moving forward. 

I also decided I will be opening an Etsy store in the near future to sell my photography/art/crafts/sewing. I’m hoping some might dig it, because it would really be nice to make some extra money on my own original work. Can’t know, if I don’t TRY.

I feel confident about it.

Anyways, that’s all for me right now…Getting back to life again, and thankful for it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Typical

I always wonder why certain people act nice to my face, but paint me in the worst light possible to others behind my back. I know WHY they do it (it’s not me, it’s you), but I don’t know why they extend the effort to play the buddy to me in the first place. I’m not hurting for friends or fake acquaintances.

I also wonder why the person always thinks you won’t find out, and then can’t figure out why you walk away from their nonsense.

It seems like common sense to me. I must be the only one that gets it.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I am a genuine person and also not stupid. I never asked for you to like me, nor do I care. I have enough genuine around me to be just fine.

If my walls weren’t already up, I might be offended. 

Instead I said “typical”, and messaged a real friend. Lol.

😘

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Wind.

The days drift by like a dream, and like a dream, I dream of you.

I wonder if you dream of me too.

I see and hear things that remind me of you. I know those are just memories I haven’t shaken yet, but still some…most make me smile.

Scattered.

All those memories are scattered in the wind now, and somewhere I’m not; a part of my life I will never be again.

Still I think of you at times.

I can still smell the carnations in your hair.

I feel you in the wind and in my heart.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Full of Life.

Sometimes I feel full of life, and sometimes I feel totally, completely empty.

That’s the best way to describe it I guess.

It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that I care too much, so I simply shut off sometimes to preserve my sanity.

It’s not so much a problem for me, as it is for the people in my life around me.

It can come off as cold and indifferent because even though I’m hearing what you’re saying, the words aren’t getting in; my brain is tired. 

I guess that’s one of the difficult things about me. It’s just how I am. It is years of internalizing and different forms of abuse I’ve had to power through. It’s a straight-up coping mechanism, nothing more.

I’m learning to let the people I love IN, when I feel like this now. Because in me not sharing how I feel in the emptiness, I’m inadvertently causing small rifts, and pushing people away. Rifts can grow as well, and I know this all too well.

I know I need to change some regarding this piece of me, because I don’t want this; but it is all I can do not to run and isolate every time.

I am used to the emptiness. I am used to being and feeling alone. But it’s not what I want.

I never have.

I am very fortunate to be with someone who understands this about me, and appreciates the fact that I am trying. He makes me want to try harder.

Words can’t really express what it’s like to know there is someone I can depend on, and that I am not alone anymore. There is someone there to hold me when I cry. There is someone that sees me for me, flaws and all and isn’t afraid; Wants to stay…won’t abandoned me.

It makes changing for the better and feeling whole again possible. 

To you I say Thank you Love. Thank you for being you, and Thank you for allowing me to be me. I would do anything for you, and it will always be.

Today I feel full of life…And it’s because of you T. Never forget what you mean to me.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me

 

THIS life.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living. 

I have come full circle, and I am moving forward in positive ways. I needed to hack through the BS that was me and my life; and find myself, forgive myself, let go of the pain I carried deep in me, and find some sort of solice in the things I could not control.

It is the fear of the unknown that generally stops most of us that have struggled and failed before, from trying again. Or stops anyone in general for that matter. My opinion only.

My mother always said I had the “Big picture syndrome”, in that I would often obsess on things I had no way of knowing would happen. Freaked myself out over things that were not even there, or realistic. Fear of the unknown. It clouded my rational thinking a lot, and it’s the number one thing that I think has kept me from achieving much of anything solid, in terms of reaching my personal goals and highest potential, according to me. Floundering is the best word I think that describes how I’ve led my life, and felt much of my life. Just floundering through life, with no real hope of anything resembling contentness or success.

I guess I just reached the ultimate bottom in my life, and I just decided I was better than that, and started changing for the sake of my children and personal happiness.

I mean let’s face it, the only other option I was looking at was total destruction in many regards. Fuck that. I’m not going down like that.

FINALLY, I have my shit together for the most part. Things are clicking into place nicely and each day, I deal with the day as it comes. I don’t need to know what happens tomorrow. I know that today I’ll live fully, like it was my last one.

That’s where I’m at now. My cats and I are saying goodbye to PA because theres nothing keeping us here, and hello to Ohio, and a real life with my love.
I’m closer to my children and family and I will be better able to travel to Michigan. Stepping up school to full-time, joining a gym, focusing on my photography, writing, and future photo shoots I will be doing. Already some projects in the works. All my plans and ideas are all doable and attainable, and I’m fucking happy 🙂

It’s everything I thought it could be and then some. And it doesn’t even all make sense, it just feels like certain victory and this is why I never gave up.

I knew I’d get here. I’m content in my life and skin.

Looking forward to 2017. Looking forward to tonight with friends. Looking forward to tomorrow if it comes.

The light in me is getting brighter every day.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living.

Love yourself. Don’t give up.

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J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Untitled

There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you, and I’ll never get the chance.

The seasons are changing, and I remember how we used to be.

Seems beyond strange that I’ll never see you again.

Life changes day by day, and I know you are still with me.

You gave me something that no one else could give.

We understood each other without words.

I know you know I loved you.

I know you loved me too.

I miss you.

J.Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

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