Sobering Year.

Although I have been writing, I’ve not been blogging here for a bit because I’ve been too busy working and focusing on doing other things that I need to get done.

My holiday was quiet and simple. I made myself a small, festive dinner and talked with my family and friends.

I received a few unexpected gifts as well, and it was really nice to be remembered. All in all, it was a good Holiday for me, and I’m glad I didn’t get called into work and could just enjoy the time off.

I still have packages to send out because I am finishing up some of the things I’ve been making for gifts; but since everyone already knows they will be late; there was no pressure or anxiousness about Christmas this year, that I would usually have if I was behind. My animals were also happy that I stayed home the whole day for once. (Lol)

I’ve just been moving forward, and what a sobering year this has been.

It’s getting easier to not look back in life at the bad times, and when I do it’s usually just to acknowledge and/or think about a lesson I’ve learned from it. I don’t stay there very long anymore. I really do think that this has been key for me and my personal growth.

Today I am in today.

Today I am also one year, nine months, and one day sober.

Today is one day more than I can say that I actually lived.

I shared this on social media today, and I think it’s something to share here as well.

“You cannot wage war on yourself, and expect to win.

When you know you are on the right track, there is no going backward anymore, only forward.

I was my own worst enemy…

Now I am my own best friend.”

It is true, all of it; and I am grateful to be ok in my skin, and to be ok in general, in this world.

I couldn’t say that at the beginning of this year.

There are still stressors in my life, but instead of freaking out or going into a hole over them, I am instead choosing to face the challenges head-on. I’m thinking with my brain rationally and finding solutions to my problems, instead of letting the BS take root. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I received from this year.

I have been in way worse positions in my life, and I’ve surely never been this hopeful at all about the future.

It’s a really good thing to feel hopeful.

This year was a big one for me in many regards; and in 2019, my first major thing will be flying to New York to see my eldest daughter in mid-January. It’s been a long time coming, and I cannot wait to go and see her. My flight is booked, and all that is left to be worked out are the minor details.

More on that to come.

I hope you had a wonderful Holiday, and that 2019 is a year that will bring you peace, understanding, and great happiness.

I hope the New Year will shine it’s good juje on all of us.

Truthfully, I think we could all use some light in this world for a change.

Making little efforts to open our eyes, makes it all the more easier to see it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

I am Not Afraid.

I am not afraid of the dark anymore; this is why I can travel through it.

It has made me stronger.

Time.

It heals most things.

But the real healing comes in facing the demons inside.

Ruthless reminders of the past, put upon the shelf of life, where they belong.

You owe it to yourself to live the life that you were given.

Not just give it away to whatever and whoever would take it from you.

Be grateful because it will save your life.

You make your own path in life, no one else. There is hope on the other side of despair. Always. Reach for it.

Be grateful every time you conquer adversity.

Look yourself straight in the eye, and be proud. You deserve to acknowledge that you did not break where you would have before.

There is internal strength and acceptance that comes in that gesture. Grace, healing, courage…so many other things.

Be kind to yourself every day.

In doing that, you can also be kind to others.

You will want to be.

Be the person you needed to be all along.

It spreads to others like a rash.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Thankfulness.

I don’t know what my life holds for me. To be honest I sometimes still feel like I don’t deserve the good things in it, because I’ve taken life for granted (or did), for so long.

It is still hard for me to see the positive in some situations. It still takes practice to be mindful in times of stress.

I am a work in progress and I know it.

I think we all are, really. I think things happen to teach us about ourselves, what we are capable of, and what we can do to become more whole as individuals; *so at the end of it all, we are at peace when we leave this world.

Remembering a school friend that passed yesterday, and his entire family.

It got me to thinking about thankfulness.

This Thanksgiving I am truly grateful for so many things.

I’m grateful that I chose to end my alcoholic cycle for good.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to work every day, to keep it that way.

I’m grateful that I feel like it’s ok to be me.

I’m grateful that I have my beautiful children in my life, and that they are willing to forgive my past, because they believe in our future.

I’m grateful that I have a loving mother, and sisters who have always loved me, even when I was lost.

I’m grateful for my niece.

I’m grateful that I am still able to learn and grow, and that I’m not stuck in my ways, because many of them were not healthy.

I’m grateful that I have wonderful friends who encourage me to live, and listen to me and encourage me when I feel weak inside.

I’m grateful for my animals.

I’m grateful for my job, and the kind of work I get to do for a living.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to keep moving forward….not back.

I’m grateful that I got a chance to know and care about people that are no longer here on this earth; and for the things they taught me about life, love, and the human spirit.

I’m grateful that I have a place to call home, and that I’m ok with being the only one in it.

So many other things as well.

What are you grateful for? What has your story taught you?

There is a light in all of us and every day we are alive, we have the opportunity to share it with others.

I hope that you are grateful for that fact, because it could all end in a moment. This I do know.

This Thanksgiving I will be working.

It may seem corny, but I will be a light for the animals that could not be with their families this holiday. I will be their family.

To me, that is the second best thing, to being with mine.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Love yourself. Always. Xo

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Better Choices for a Better Life.

When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.

I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.

Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.

The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.

To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.

I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.

I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.

Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.

By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.

It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.

This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.

I wanted to die for SO long.

For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.

I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.

I did that.

That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.

I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.

I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.

I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.

One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.

These are the people that are no longer in my life.

Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.

With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.

The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.

You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.

I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.

It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.

I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.

I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I have a social media love/ hate relationship.

This entry is only edited by my Grammarly keyboard. It’s a total off the top of my head post. *heads up*

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I’m taking another social media hiatus because I f’ ing hate social media, mostly.

I almost spelled out the entire swear word, but I’m trying to be more light and graceful these days with my words and actions. (What?)

I failed today already on that, by the way. I’m sure that’s so surprising to everyone.

I am currently trying to stop smoking on top of my social media annoyance, so my lack of nicotine isn’t helping with my mood. It’s been almost a day without anything but this vape. (“Vaping is bad”. I know, but it is better than smoking at this point, for me.)

I think I just might be one of the most anti-social people I currently know.

Social media makes me more so. I can barely stand it.

My current level of socialization is work, random strangers at the gas station and what not, and facebook.

I’m tired of the immature whining and straight up hate that IS social media. It’s also WAY too easy to partake in the ridiculousness of it all, and I end up feeling like shit the more time I spend on it.

I try to be as positive as I can, but there is always someone or something that will screws it up for me every time.

So, it’s about how I react and what I choose to do that will change it for me.

I choose to stay to myself, not comment or talk to people on social media directly, put my nose to the grind, and not stop.

The only real friends I have will be friends anyways.

Most of the people that follow me around the internet are just people wanting to see me fall, so they can do that without me being on facebook.

I’m saying it here because I’m not going on social media and being a diva for attention and the “don’t goes”.

I don’t care. I also know if I deactivate my account, ill have a whole new set of issues.

No one gives a shit if I’m there or not, and I am perfectly fine with that at this point.

It frees up space for me to worry about what really matters, like finding another job so I can pay my bills and not be homeless again.

Pretty sure nobody on facebook gives one care about that.

One thing I do know about this world. There are more negative people in it, than not.

I regret being part of that problem for so long, and sometimes still.

I work every day to try to be a better, more understanding, kinder, integrity driven person.

I hope some day I can feel like my life isn’t one big shit show, and I can actually help someone.

I think I need to really take a hard look at my social media everything, because it’s causing stress in my life more than anything else.

I don’t really know where I want to go from here. I do know I want it to be up in my higher thinking though; and I don’t think facebook is going to be something that will help me with that right now.

Thanks for reading.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

Mask

It’s a mask that we wear for the world to see

Because easy is easy and easy to be

In the dark with myself there is nowhere to hide

It is me and myself and myself and I

Open up and purge the hurt so that you may live

Give it everything that you’ve got to give.

The mask comes off and in truth you confide

Reality is better than living a lie

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I will be a Light.

There is a new-found peace within me.
The struggles are still real, but I am finding my way.
Every day I am grateful for this new understanding, and second chance at life.
I am grateful that I am no longer afraid of living.
I am not my addiction.
I am what I choose to be.

I choose to be Jenni.

I choose to be sober Jenni.

Everything that I do from here on out, directly stems from this fact.

I will DO, instead of not doing.

I will BE, instead of not being.

Every day I will remember where I’ve been; and just how far that I have come.
I will love myself; so that I can love others.

I will be a light in a world of darkness.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME