Sometimes, it’s constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.
It’s really all I can do…and enough to do it.
I am well aware that I am not on synthetic medication anymore. Sometimes that still scares me; even though the effects and side-effects of taking the medicines….scares me more.
I remember when I made the decision to stop taking them.
At that point my cholesterol level had shot through the roof because of the bipolar anti-depressant I was taking (Latuda); and they had to prescribe me another medication to lower it. I was also on a mood-stabilizer as well; (Trileptol) a common anti-seizure drug that my son actually was taking back in the day for his Epilepsy. It is also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar.
I was having headaches that lasted for days. Parts of my body were going numb at random times, that lasted for days and weeks. I have a bum shoulder; broken twice in the same spot, that causes me chronic pain daily. The meds made it feel worse. My joints felt worse, to the point that it hurt to walk sometimes. I was having auditory hallucinations whenever I did not take my meds at the exact same time. I was STILL up and down, up and down anyways. I was miserable; unable to hold a job….and stuck in a life of NOTHING.
The meds were not fixing me. They were in fact, hurting me….making me worse. It was actually quite terrifying if I have to be honest about it. You wake up feeling worse than the day before…and it’s like, how is this helping me?
I started to think of all the meds my son was on when he was alive….and all the complications they caused for him; and the constant trying to find the ones that would work. The medications he was on that were supposed to help his movement disorder; that in fact in the end had the opposite effect, and actually made his movement disorder irreversible….because unbenounced to us, that med (Haldol) was making it worse every day…one of the side effects of it, WAS an irreversable movement disorder….also called dyskenisia.
We gave him Dr. prescribed meds for a movement disorder, that was made worse by the med that was supposed to make it better.
The guilt I still carry from that…is indescribably hard to deal with or relate.
It didn’t make sense to me anymore. Any of it. What was the point of being on medicines, that didn’t even work for me; and caused other serious health problems? This was not the first time for me with this. It had been a struggle for years with the different medications for me; and finding something that worked. I asked myself was I THAT messed up, that I could not find ways naturally to help myself instead?
The answer to me was NO…I was NOT that messed up. I needed to find new ways to control my bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and pain. I needed to help myself.
At that point I made the choice to detox from the medication I was on; and to live free of synthetic pills and medication for good.
It is a choice that I do not regret in any way…although it is challenging in moments.
I would have had to depend on synthetics, and keep taking them…for the rest of my life. I was at risk for developing even worse symptoms and health problems down the line; and that’s just a logical conclusion I came to, based on the symptoms I already was having.
It wasn’t worth it to me.
It wasn’t a real life. For me, It was a life filled with pills, and hoping I could be fixed by them…but struggling despite. Nothing more. They did nothing to touch my PTSD or anxiety symptoms either. Made my body, joint pain, and anxiety… WORSE.
I was just done with it all; regarding synthetic anything in my body.
I started to research herbal remedies and read anything I could to help myself. I had many friends who helped me with that as well. To you guys, I say thank you.
I realized that just because I was bipolar, and had other issues going…it didn’t mean I had to commit myself, to a life-time of pills and stigma.
I could overcome it, if I tried hard enough.
I smoke cannabis to control many of my symptoms now. Soon, I will be switching over to the straight CBD oil…which is a derivative of cannabis…and has no mood altering effects.
I take vitamins and supplements, and try to get as much sleep as I can. I excersize. (At work, all day long)
I make a conscious effort to actively control my ups and downs. Mostly that just consists of not letting myself get to the levels of despair I used to feel.
I do that by staying sober, writing, seeking support from people who care about me; and actively trying to help people that struggle with the same kinds of things that I do.
Many people have things to say about cannabis; and it’s use for medical purposes. Many people have things to say about me, and my use of it.
That is not my issue. I know I am responsible with my usage. I do not need validation from anyone on it at all.
I AM NOT a doctor. And truth be told, some of the Doctors I’ve worked with…weren’t doctors either…even though they carried the title.
Three things I DO know for sure, based on personal experience…and the experiences of people close to me:
~Synthetic meds WILL eventually lead you to MORE synthetic meds, and more problems health-wise, when it is all said and done.
~Cannabis and CBD oil would have greatly increased my deceased son’s quality of life and pain. He would not have suffered as much as he did. I wish it would have been an option when he was alive; but sadly it was not.
~Supplements and cannabis have greatly improved my symptoms, health, and overall quality of life.
It works for me; and I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about it anymore, because I live a life every day that is full and responsible, and true.
Things I wasn’t able to do when I was taking meds to “fix me”.
Healing and managing mental symptoms and pain, is not about doing things the way people tell you to do them.
It’s about looking in yourself, and finding ways to nurture the parts in you that need to be nurtured…not suppressed.
I own my Bipolar. I own my PTSD. I own my chronic pain from injury. I own my anxiety. I own my choice of medicines I will put in my body.
It is my choice. It is also yours.
I still feel the ups and downs. But they are far less extreme now.
I do not regret my choice to stop putting unnatural things in my body.
Sometimes, it IS constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.
But the difference is; I know that it will pass now, and that’s just part of how I’m made. I embrace the fact that I AM not normal by societies standards.
I also feel no shame for who I am as a person anymore; and I know that the best things in life, all revolve around embracing who I am.
I am ME. I am not a stigma that can be cured with a pill; and I don’t want to be.
I am 10 months, 5 days sober.
I am living for the first time in my life. My best is happening daily.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME