I have a social media love/ hate relationship.

This entry is only edited by my Grammarly keyboard. It’s a total off the top of my head post. *heads up*

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I’m taking another social media hiatus because I f’ ing hate social media, mostly.

I almost spelled out the entire swear word, but I’m trying to be more light and graceful these days with my words and actions. (What?)

I failed today already on that, by the way. I’m sure that’s so surprising to everyone.

I am currently trying to stop smoking on top of my social media annoyance, so my lack of nicotine isn’t helping with my mood. It’s been almost a day without anything but this vape. (“Vaping is bad”. I know, but it is better than smoking at this point, for me.)

I think I just might be one of the most anti-social people I currently know.

Social media makes me more so. I can barely stand it.

My current level of socialization is work, random strangers at the gas station and what not, and facebook.

I’m tired of the immature whining and straight up hate that IS social media. It’s also WAY too easy to partake in the ridiculousness of it all, and I end up feeling like shit the more time I spend on it.

I try to be as positive as I can, but there is always someone or something that will screws it up for me every time.

So, it’s about how I react and what I choose to do that will change it for me.

I choose to stay to myself, not comment or talk to people on social media directly, put my nose to the grind, and not stop.

The only real friends I have will be friends anyways.

Most of the people that follow me around the internet are just people wanting to see me fall, so they can do that without me being on facebook.

I’m saying it here because I’m not going on social media and being a diva for attention and the “don’t goes”.

I don’t care. I also know if I deactivate my account, ill have a whole new set of issues.

No one gives a shit if I’m there or not, and I am perfectly fine with that at this point.

It frees up space for me to worry about what really matters, like finding another job so I can pay my bills and not be homeless again.

Pretty sure nobody on facebook gives one care about that.

One thing I do know about this world. There are more negative people in it, than not.

I regret being part of that problem for so long, and sometimes still.

I work every day to try to be a better, more understanding, kinder, integrity driven person.

I hope some day I can feel like my life isn’t one big shit show, and I can actually help someone.

I think I need to really take a hard look at my social media everything, because it’s causing stress in my life more than anything else.

I don’t really know where I want to go from here. I do know I want it to be up in my higher thinking though; and I don’t think facebook is going to be something that will help me with that right now.

Thanks for reading.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

Mask

It’s a mask that we wear for the world to see

Because easy is easy and easy to be

In the dark with myself there is nowhere to hide

It is me and myself and myself and I

Open up and purge the hurt so that you may live

Give it everything that you’ve got to give.

The mask comes off and in truth you confide

Reality is better than living a lie

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I will be a Light.

There is a new-found peace within me.
The struggles are still real, but I am finding my way.
Every day I am grateful for this new understanding, and second chance at life.
I am grateful that I am no longer afraid of living.
I am not my addiction.
I am what I choose to be.

I choose to be Jenni.

I choose to be sober Jenni.

Everything that I do from here on out, directly stems from this fact.

I will DO, instead of not doing.

I will BE, instead of not being.

Every day I will remember where I’ve been; and just how far that I have come.
I will love myself; so that I can love others.

I will be a light in a world of darkness.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s your Birthday… Don’t party like it’s your Birthday.

Yeah, if I partied like it was my Birthday…it wouldn’t be good for ANYTHING in my life.

NO.

I am sober. This is the first thing I can celebrate today.

All things start and end with this.

Cheesy I know, but seriously.

I’m going to see my two youngest children this weekend.

So that is another gift.

I’m 47 today.

What?

How am I supposed to answer this question? It seems surreal at best.

I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out together.

I intend to live with more purpose this year.

Build a brand.

Make enough money supporting myself off of doing things that come naturally to me. Like art, writing, sewing, crafting, furniture, making clothes, photography, inspiring people to inspire themselves to live, instead of living to die slowly every day in despair. Work my other job at the kennel as well.

I will make wiser choices from now on about my time management and money.

Well, that’s my goal.

I need to fix my credit.

I need to make more money to do that.

I have to work another job on top of the one I have, because I have immediate bills and fair credit.

Why not do what I’m good at?

I don’t want to work a second job for someone else. I already have a job like that.

I know that I have to stay positive and motivated every day.

I feel as though I almost always am at this point.

I can see the silver linings in life so much easier now.

I know my money situation will work itself out.

I just need to keep working for it, and take a chance on ME.

I used to say that I just needed a ” break”.

Now I know that I make my own choices, and those choices directly affect my future.

I have to do the work to get anywhere. Even if it’s slow going.

It’s my passion to live my truth and do a job that inspires me.

I have to choose wisely what I do with my time, or I won’t meet the goals I want to meet.

I’m not stopping until I get somewhere.

This year is going to be a productive one for me, and I am full of hope.

That is what 47 is bringing to me.

A whole lot of focusing on moving forward, and not focusing on looking back.

I do not feel 47 at all; and I’m rolling with that fact.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Full-time decent person this year for for me.

“Be the person you want to be all the time, not just when people are looking.”

There is something to be said about marching to the beat of your own drum.

There is something to be said about being a full-time decent person, that marches to the beat of their own drum as well.

The friend circle is smaller for people like me, by nature, because I don’t like to people all the time anyways.

Now, that I try to do the right thing; my friend circle is even smaller.

I’m not as entertaining anymore.

Decency equals boring, right?

Not right.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter to me about the numbers of friends that I have in my personal circle.

Does it, Ozzy.

No.

Quality is much better for me.

Tomorrow is my 47th Birthday, and it has been a BS-axing year for me.

I am sober, and I thank myself for that.

Birthday gift.

I am moving forward, although there are many kinds of pitfalls and drop-offs that like to shake stuff up for me, I’m finding.

I’m weeding through it daily.

That’s the best way I can put it.

I’m not jazzed about certain things in my life, but I know it’ll be up to me, all of it; to push through it, and change those things.

It’s my life.

It’s days like this that make me anxious.

My Birthday and all; really any significant date in my life.

I do hope the year will be a good one for me, and I think it will be.

It’s days like this that I remember, that I’ve made it this far, and what the journey means.

Also that age is just a number.

Live.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling more upbeat again.

Good news is, I’m starting to feel better again. I’m focusing on that, because It’s way better than beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t a few days ago.

I have ongoing mental disorders, and I have to accept that.

I don’t really want to; but let’s get real, already….

Jenni.

It’s not like I’m going around trying to bipolar and PTSD on everyone everyday or do; so I’m definitely going to have to give myself a break regarding my ups and downs. Back-track is going to happen at points because I am human.

I HAVE been extremely stressed. There ARE valid reasons behind it.

It’s going to be alright, even when it doesn’t feel like it; and I know that.

I’m going to be alright.

That’s why I’m bouncing back quicker after the dips nowa’days.

I DO have coping skills in me; and the EMDR therapy, should help me to not dip as much in the future.

I have two calls in currently, to potential therapists. I’m hoping it won’t be a long, drawn-out process; but I also think I have to be patient in all regards, because I also have a feeling that a lot of phone tag is going to be going on before I get an appointment anywhere.

That’s just me being realistic, based on my own knowledge about how the mental health system works.

It’ll be ok. I will find that EMDR therapist; and I will learn even better skills.

I will.

Patience. I will keep on top of it, until I find a therapist….and I am doing it for me.

Nap after work today, instead of painting; because I needed it.

Picked up a double on Sunday; and also starting to make peace with T, finally.

I had to for ME. There’s no sense in focusing on things of the past that cannot be changed…even if they were shitty. Only letting go of the negativity and bitterness of it will heal me in that area; also realizing that I’m not the only one who struggles with demons. I know I’m not.

There will never be the kind of future for us like we planned to have; but a supportive friendship I think is something that is being built again between us, right now. As friends. I believe that that is better for both of us anyways. He will always be important to me; and I can’t deny that fact.

That’s a huge step for me to say that; and we will see. I know it depends on me, just as much as him…and it is what it is……

I’m just making peaces.

Life is funny the way it works, and even funnier when you live inside my head.

I need to put a map up there, complete with “you are here” markers. It would give other people a fighting chance in understanding me; and maybe when I get lost, it’d be easier to find my way back too.

That’s never going to happen; but I AM working on it, every day. 🙂

475 days without alcohol; and knowing that I am on my way to greater things. 🙂

This I know.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

No sex in my city yet.

I don’t know; but I found it hilarious that I just thought of writing a blog entitled:

How to be Carrie Bradshaw from SeX in the City; without the wardrobe, budget, or talent.

Lol.

So. This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind.

It IS funny….but it’s not.

I should have more faith in myself.

I struggle with it and I wish I didn’t.

Love yourself Jenni.

You can

do it.

Work.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME