I guess lately more than anything I’m wondering what the winter will bring. By that I mean I hope it won’t be depression.
It’s funny sometimes when you’ve spend most of your life in a certain mindset. I try so hard to stay mindful of my mental health; but I know every Winter comes and brings with it the cold and dreariness that I absolutely loathe in every way. I’m literally terrified to slip back again into the abyss that is my negative mindset; because I simply don’t do very well in the winter months, and never have.
Sounds so ridiculous maybe, but true.
Currently, I separate past and present self. There is the new me, and there is the old me. The old me of course was not healthy in any way. I was weak, unhealthy, destructive and selfish…stuck in my head always. It wasn’t a way to be. Winter makes it worse.
The way I am now is who I’ve become from pure determination and work. I prefer it. I live a hopeful, mostly positive life now…but I am still me. There is still the Jenni devil that rears her ugly head on occasion.
I say that like it’s a damnation or something, but that’s how I feel sometimes. It never really goes away.
My hope for this season is to meet my personal goals and to become a better influence/role model in my children’s lives.
I’d like to think I will continue to grow and move forward…but I can’t help but fear that I’ll ruin it all, by just being Jenni…and because I’m used to being sad in the winter; I’ve never tried not to be.
I guess it’s best to admit I have the fear. My therapist says
a healthy fear is good to have, it’s what I choose to do with that fear that counts.
Of course she’s right.
I’m choosing to admit that I’m not invincible. I’m choosing to allow myself to be OK with the fact that I’m not always strong. I’m choosing to not let this fear of slipping scare me into stopping altogether, just because I’m used to feeling shitty this time of year.
In the end I can’t fast forward anything. I can only take it as it comes and try to motivate the parts of me that want to tuck away and hide from the world.
Some day I hope I can afford to travel to warm every year when the snow comes, or relocate all together. I really think in the future I’ll be considering it strongly again. When my kids get older, perhaps they will want to come stay sometimes too. I don’t know. I realize that’s way down the line.
The very near future however will bring crappy weather, so I guess I’m just going to find ways that it won’t affect me so much. Perhaps light therapy, generally improving my exersize regimine, and adding more positive…maybe increased therapy for a few months; anything that will get me out of being worried that I’ll slip.
I continue to live by the words of Robert Frost:
The only way ’round, is through.
Through for me isn’t very easy most times. I know I’m not alone.
I am 54 days sober. (Silver lining)
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me