I am No Mother Theresa. A Free-writing piece.

Edited meme of a movie poster/Mother Theresa quote. Original source in image link.

I am no Mother Theresa.

I respect her fully though.

She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.

A “proper” role model.

I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.

I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.

Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)

Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….

Being a decent person, that is.

I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.

“To thine own self be true.”

Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.

For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.

I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.

I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.

I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.

I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.

Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.

It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.

Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…

I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.

I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.

We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.

It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.

I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.

It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.

You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.

I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.

I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.

Not true.

The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.

You hurt others with your negativity.

You hurt yourself.

Something in you, has to find a way to change.

It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.

It’s about what you think about yourself.

It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….

And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.

I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.

Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?

I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.

I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.

I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….

It IS, after all….ME.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Good Friday to You

Life is good at the moment for me, and truthfully it’s because I’ve done some healing and some accepting of things just these last few days, so I’m feeling rather positive and motivated about life in general; 

calm.

It feels good to be able to let certain things go and not let it bother me. I’m not quite sure what’s happening, but life FEELS like it’s getting easier. The decisions are clearer, and easier to make, even though sometimes still hard. There’s a working, doable plan. I know I’m going to be ok. I’m starting to finally understand myself; my needs vs. wants; I’m not feeling uptight about much. I get to the point where my reasoning kicks in, and I’m good. I can’t control half of it anyways. 

My anxiety is low; also, it’s the start of the weekend. Normally I might be anxious and think stupid things, but really it’s not like that this day. So….I call it riding the wave, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not worrying about anything until I have to.

No point in that.

My main concern is finding a way to be productive financially, and still keep my stress level low so I can maintain productivity.

I guess since I can’t seem to sell this light kit of mine I got for school, I’m going to teach myself how to use it. I really dont want to go to school again, because quite frankly, I feel like it’s a waste of time and money right now. I’m also 40 grand in, regarding school loans, so yeah….no. I know enough already to proceed to something that makes me happy, and I’m going from there. I know I have enough brains in my head to figure it out.

I’m literally living each day as it comes. Eventually the effort I am putting in to move forward, will pay off. I’m really wanting to get this Etsy store idea open and running, and I’ve got a shit ton of stuff to do on it…STILL. So not going fast enough for me.

Things are starting to be more stable now with a lot of needed changes, so I think I might be able to focus on it, and the things I need to do to get it up and running. 

I’m hoping to have it officially open by November. It’ll be a mix of stuff. Personal Art, photographic images and mixed media creations of various kinds, vintage things, odd things, ME things. I’m quite crafty, so I’m  excited to have a good goal to focus on. Also considering a calendar as it’s been mentioned numerous times to make.

Other avenues could open if it takes off at all. I resign to be happy more than anything, and get off this SSI if I can. I hate it. I’m doing it on my own terms, because it’s the only way I’ll ever be happy.

I really hate the Government more than ever these days.dl Depending on them sucks, and is NOT a way of life.

I am determined to beat the stigma of mental illness and addiction in the end; and I will do it.

This weekend will be for planting flower beds if the rain holds off.

Cash flow could be better, but otherwise I’m solid.

Enjoy your weekend.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME