I’m a Rambler, and I Have Trust Issues…

I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.

It’s hard. 

Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.

I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days. 

It’s totally true.

I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.

That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.

This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.

I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.

I don’t like that feeling at all.

Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)

I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.

I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.

I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.

I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately. 

I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with. 

I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside. 

Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone. 

I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.

Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Thoughts on Value and Acceptance.

I think one of the biggest issues I’ve had in life, is my rather overwhelming need to feel like I’m truly being valued and heard; but never really feeling it fully at all, from anyone or anywhere.

This includes by people in my real life, as well as on social media, and in social situations.

It used to make me sad……. that I wasn’t worth the effort or love; the time, concern, respect, or loyalty….”What’s wrong with me? Why does everyone treat me like I’m nothing?”  Blah, blah, blah.

I always ended up on the wrong end of things….I was a bitter person because of it. I blamed everybody else for every situation I was in.

My thoughts in the past with value and acceptance, where based off of a dysfunctional childhood that I couldn’t let go of; a life of discontent, addictive behaviors, and mental health issues. I still have some of those issues.

I used to get all bitchy and dramatic about it…and sometimes, I still do. Although all my core Bullshit remains;  I’d like to think, that those moments have reduced severely since last year. 

Truthfully, there’s only a few people I even care about enough anymore, to let close enough to get past my wall. Truthfully, no one owes me one damn thing in this life. Truthfully, I’m just trying to finish this blog post that I started over a year ago.

My thoughts on value and acceptance now, are based off principle and common sense.

My value isn’t worth anything, if I have to talk you into believing that I’m valuable; even when I’m proving it with my actions already….and vice versa.

I’m not going to spend time talking you into anything.

There it is; there’s my current way of thinking.

I’ve learned to live in real life; and with the apologies and validations, that I will never get. I’m not going to spend time on something that makes me feel empty; it doesn’t matter what or who it is.

Neither should you.

I’ve personally found that it’s best to invest quality time on yourself; so that no matter what, you’re good in your own worth; on your own; because that’s all that matters.

Many people see value in many things; but most don’t even realize the value of something;  miss out on it all together; or don’t even care to find it.

Life goes on. 

To value myself is the greatest gift I ever gave myself….NO returns. 

Some days I have to dig deeper than others; but I do know at the end of the day; I’m good. 

There’s quite a power in that on a whole because it makes you better able to genuinely practice healthy living. 🙂 

Also; If you don’t value yourself;  no one else will. If it’s not even worth it to you; you can’t much expect it to be worth it to anyone else either.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2016 ~Peaces of ME


Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

……………………………………………………..

One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

……………………………………………………..

Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process 😉😅.

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Make Your Own Adventure…

We went to Twin Creek Metro Park in Germantown this past weekend, and it really was pretty fun. In the upcoming summer, I plan to travel a bit to some fun places, and do some things I’ve never done before (with my Bo, of course.) I dig coming across cool things, and so I’m hoping to do just that; I’m definitely up for the adventure… And my camera will be in hand.

This Summer is the perfect time to get out, and make my own adventures!

Better late, than never.

This trip was kind of on the fly, so I only took cell photos; but I wanted to remember it, so I’m posting the images here anyways.

Today marks 24 days sober, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I’m starting to feel like my old self again, and I know it’s because I’m doing the right thing. Hopefully it will be easier as time goes on.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Typical

I always wonder why certain people act nice to my face, but paint me in the worst light possible to others behind my back. I know WHY they do it (it’s not me, it’s you), but I don’t know why they extend the effort to play the buddy to me in the first place. I’m not hurting for friends or fake acquaintances.

I also wonder why the person always thinks you won’t find out, and then can’t figure out why you walk away from their nonsense.

It seems like common sense to me. I must be the only one that gets it.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I am a genuine person and also not stupid. I never asked for you to like me, nor do I care. I have enough genuine around me to be just fine.

If my walls weren’t already up, I might be offended. 

Instead I said “typical”, and messaged a real friend. Lol.

😘

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Wind.

The days drift by like a dream, and like a dream, I dream of you.

I wonder if you dream of me too.

I see and hear things that remind me of you. I know those are just memories I haven’t shaken yet, but still some…most make me smile.

Scattered.

All those memories are scattered in the wind now, and somewhere I’m not; a part of my life I will never be again.

Still I think of you at times.

I can still smell the carnations in your hair.

I feel you in the wind and in my heart.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Full of Life.

Sometimes I feel full of life, and sometimes I feel totally, completely empty.

That’s the best way to describe it I guess.

It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that I care too much, so I simply shut off sometimes to preserve my sanity.

It’s not so much a problem for me, as it is for the people in my life around me.

It can come off as cold and indifferent because even though I’m hearing what you’re saying, the words aren’t getting in; my brain is tired. 

I guess that’s one of the difficult things about me. It’s just how I am. It is years of internalizing and different forms of abuse I’ve had to power through. It’s a straight-up coping mechanism, nothing more.

I’m learning to let the people I love IN, when I feel like this now. Because in me not sharing how I feel in the emptiness, I’m inadvertently causing small rifts, and pushing people away. Rifts can grow as well, and I know this all too well.

I know I need to change some regarding this piece of me, because I don’t want this; but it is all I can do not to run and isolate every time.

I am used to the emptiness. I am used to being and feeling alone. But it’s not what I want.

I never have.

I am very fortunate to be with someone who understands this about me, and appreciates the fact that I am trying. He makes me want to try harder.

Words can’t really express what it’s like to know there is someone I can depend on, and that I am not alone anymore. There is someone there to hold me when I cry. There is someone that sees me for me, flaws and all and isn’t afraid; Wants to stay…won’t abandoned me.

It makes changing for the better and feeling whole again possible. 

To you I say Thank you Love. Thank you for being you, and Thank you for allowing me to be me. I would do anything for you, and it will always be.

Today I feel full of life…And it’s because of you T. Never forget what you mean to me.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me

 

THIS life.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living. 

I have come full circle, and I am moving forward in positive ways. I needed to hack through the BS that was me and my life; and find myself, forgive myself, let go of the pain I carried deep in me, and find some sort of solice in the things I could not control.

It is the fear of the unknown that generally stops most of us that have struggled and failed before, from trying again. Or stops anyone in general for that matter. My opinion only.

My mother always said I had the “Big picture syndrome”, in that I would often obsess on things I had no way of knowing would happen. Freaked myself out over things that were not even there, or realistic. Fear of the unknown. It clouded my rational thinking a lot, and it’s the number one thing that I think has kept me from achieving much of anything solid, in terms of reaching my personal goals and highest potential, according to me. Floundering is the best word I think that describes how I’ve led my life, and felt much of my life. Just floundering through life, with no real hope of anything resembling contentness or success.

I guess I just reached the ultimate bottom in my life, and I just decided I was better than that, and started changing for the sake of my children and personal happiness.

I mean let’s face it, the only other option I was looking at was total destruction in many regards. Fuck that. I’m not going down like that.

FINALLY, I have my shit together for the most part. Things are clicking into place nicely and each day, I deal with the day as it comes. I don’t need to know what happens tomorrow. I know that today I’ll live fully, like it was my last one.

That’s where I’m at now. My cats and I are saying goodbye to PA because theres nothing keeping us here, and hello to Ohio, and a real life with my love.
I’m closer to my children and family and I will be better able to travel to Michigan. Stepping up school to full-time, joining a gym, focusing on my photography, writing, and future photo shoots I will be doing. Already some projects in the works. All my plans and ideas are all doable and attainable, and I’m fucking happy 🙂

It’s everything I thought it could be and then some. And it doesn’t even all make sense, it just feels like certain victory and this is why I never gave up.

I knew I’d get here. I’m content in my life and skin.

Looking forward to 2017. Looking forward to tonight with friends. Looking forward to tomorrow if it comes.

The light in me is getting brighter every day.

There is a peace that is with me lately that I carry. I feel that THIS life, is finally a good life I can be happy and proud to say I’m living.

Love yourself. Don’t give up.

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J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Great day!

I had such a great day. I was beginning to think it only happened to everyone else, but nope; it came to me on this day, as it sometimes does when I work hard. 🙂

I got to speak to my children tonight. 🙂 We had actual conversations. Lol. I’m SO happy. I was just completely beside myself with excitement and joy.

Before I used to call, but it was when I could no longer go without their voices anymore. I used to force myself not to call, because I was told that my daughter was suffering from anxiety and having trouble over it when I did. Also because sometimes I tend to get very emotional when on the line; and I didn’t want to screw them up more, or their lives. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away. I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it for very long; because it hurt too much…what I lost…and what I  just gave away because of my issues and addictions. Funny how you can block out some things when you can’t deal. Funny how you can call yourself a mother when you can’t even be there for them in real life, or even call. The things we sometimes tell ourselves to cope.

Hearing them tonight made me realize just how long it’s been since I’ve seen or held them in my arms. One-and-a-half years. It was a sad feeling; but also a feeling that I should change that fact, and I would and will. I resolved to making a commitment to my children like I should have done in the first place. I’m  calling for sure at least once a week again…No matter what. It’s the most reasonable thing to do until I get a car in June and can get back to see them. I’ve focused on my own life because I knew I needed to and I knew they were being well taken care of; I didn’t have to worry about them in that way. But I dropped the ball as a mother in so many ways; it’s really time to start trying to find a way to make it better…not perfect…but better.

I’m so happy to be able to talk to them again, and that’s a start. And I’m grateful to my ex-husband for letting me talk to them. I have to give him props for protecting them, and always putting them first. We haven’t always agreed on much of anything; but I think seeing it from his position, he was just being a good father.  I was ruining my own life, and dragging my feet. It’s not until he told me I couldn’t speak to them that I decided no more.  Thank you for that. It was the fire and motivation I needed to let go of all remaining people in my life that did not have my best interests in mind. It needed to happen.

Talking to my kids was definitely the highlight of my day.

In other news, another kitty found a home. Kato ❤

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Now I have only one left who is getting a home sometime soon with a friend of a friend.
So my plan regarding my cat loves is working out. I will end up with only two cats..which is what I wanted. Hahaha.

Also my final submission for my post production class is finished, in and on time. I know I’m going to get a good grade on it. I also worked my ass off for it.  I have two days now to breathe until the next period starts. And breathe I will because I’m not smoking anymore.

I was also asked to reconsider modeling again. It was a good conversation and got me to thinking about a lot of things. I had put it on the back burner.  In the spring I will start making plans again for it. I’ll have the winter to work my ass out, and I’ll be able to actually meet the goal because I will have a car to get places and no one will be able to stop me. More on that later.

This is getting wordy so I’ll leave it at that.

Here’s the little update. Hopefully I’ll have some more time to blog in the coming up days.

Bottom line is I’m sticking with my plan because it’s working, and I’m thriving.

I am 42 days sober….Again. I intend to make it stick.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peace of me

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