So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.

But…

If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.

……………………………………………………..

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I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.

……………………………………………………..

I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 

………………………………………………………

I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m down and missing significant pieces of my life…still sober though, just getting shit off my chest…again.

Firstly, I’m venting to get it out of me; and to process, so that I can accept it….long free-writing ramble.

The best kind right?

I haven’t spoken to my children in over two months. 

Every time I have tried to call or make plans to see them, I get no answer or response.

So I stopped trying. 

Two years ago I was calling every night. I was sick, and relapsing on and off; but I was still trying to maintain some sort of communication with my children. Always sober when I called. ALWAYS. I wanted them to know that I loved them, despite my absence/illness…also that I was still here. Since I was having financial issues at that time, I asked for Skype to be installed, so that I could talk to them… NO. I was told to get a proper phone like an adult, and call. So I did. 

I was treated like a piece of shit for having issues, and was talked down to repeatedly. Mostly just to keep me down; a lot of it, in front of my children.

My ex- husband then started telling me, that my daughter was having anxiety issues and had to see a therapist for it; because of me, and my calling…and the fact that she thought I just left her (because she was not told otherwise); also that the kids were old enough to make their own decisions about whether or not they wanted a relationship with me; and if given the choice, they would choose not to. 

He also said I abandoned my kids; and said I never even tried to call them.

Lately that’s been running through my mind like a broken record.

To my Ex-husband:  I DID NOT abandon my kids. I tried to see the kids before I left, and YOU said I couldn’t. I was in Kalamazoo, and you knew I was. 

I visited twice, as my finances would allow, after I left. 

I left the situation in general, because I knew I was going down, and I didn’t want to take anybody else with me. Our marriage was completely over, and you tried to shove me in a home with convicts and throw away the key; instead of actually helping me. Fuck that. I mean let’s get real here.

I’m pretty sure you would have left as well.

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO CALL. 

I call me leaving the marriage and then Michigan; being selfless and admitting that I was not able to be a fully-stable parent because my son passed, and I was his 24/7 caretaker…NOT YOU. I knew. Should I have robotted my way through it, like you? Don’t punish me for the rest of my life for not being as strong as you are. IT’S NOT RIGHT.  You never even tried to talk with me about any of it. Stop thinking I am the Jenni you knew so long ago. You don’t know me at all anymore.

I made some really bad choices in the past with a lot of things, but that’s not what I’m doing now. All of that crap was directly related to my grief…all of it. I never would have gone off the deep end like that had Karter not gone.

The reality is: I don’t get texts, calls, pictures or letters; although I’ve asked a million times for them. It is always me communicating with my kids. I’ve received one letter only, and one call when my son passed drivers training. My kids have phones and computers, and you have ALL of my information. When I do get to talk to them, they seem distracted and only concerned with things they want me to buy them, but can’t afford. Is this what I’ve become? It’s like I’m NO ONE to them now. 

I mean you blocked my eldest daughter, because she sent me a recent picture of my kids. 

Are you fucking serious?

I know that’s how kids are, but it hurts. It hurts because you intentionally made It worse by not telling them anything but bad shit about me. It hurts to know they don’t need me in their lives. It hurts that no matter what efforts I make, it is never enough. It hurts to know that some other woman does the things that I should be doing every day for my kids, but can’t. It hurts to know you give her the emotional support, that you should have given me. It hurts to know that you never tried to enforce the fact that I loved my kids, to my kids; made them think I abandoned them, and lied to everyone about how you raised them by yourself, and I was a shitty mother. 

You were at work. I was doing everything until you started taking shit away.  I took care of them for years after I left, even when I was working two jobs. 

But you raised them alone huh?

That’s a BS lie, and you know it.

The thing is though, that I KNOW that I’ve caused significant damage to my kids regarding my grief-filled, shit-storm of a spiral down…so I don’t have the RIGHT to be hurt. I DO understand that completely.

I’ve admitted and accepted responsibility for absolutely everything I ever did or was.

It STILL hurts. Because I have been talked down about, to my kids for years…by YOU, dear ex. 

And you said you’d never , ever keep my kids from me. 

You have. 

And you say it’s because you want to protect them. 

Protect them from what? A REAL, healthy relationship with their mother? 

What do I have to do? 

You know it kills me, but you don’t even care.

You’re hurting your kids too, you know. The sad thing is, you think it doesn’t hurt them. They don’t talk to me, because they don’t want to make you angry. Nothing more. I know about things like that for sure.

I’m a bipolar alcoholic with addictive tendencies. I’m NOT a bad person, or the devil. I am not a danger to my kids at all any longer, and I want some sort of break on that, because it’s absolutely ridiculous at this point. I am a sick person who has to maintain sobriety to keep in control. I try every day to be a better person, and am doing really well.

I don’t understand how my family can’t see this….OH yes I can. Not one person has called me in over three years. Thanks…I’m fine. You know just because I’ve had some VALID problems, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids or can’t become better. I do and I have. 

I don’t want to be with my ex at all (obviously); I’m super glad he’s happy with his new wife, but I am not doing so well without my kids.

MY KIDS.

I can’t even get a fucking return text from my ex, regarding coming to see them. 

YES…that makes me angry.

I know that I have issues, but I am not who I was when I left Michigan.

I can’t make any kind of anything, with no actual chance. I’m really tired of kissing ass, and being ignored. I don’t care if you think I deserve it or not.

Divorced people every day make situations way worse than this work, for the sake of their kids. 

Seriously.

Truthfully, at this point, I don’t even really know if I want to go see my kids anymore, or if I even should. I STRUGGLE WITH IT. According to the way my ex acts and how my kids don’t ever contact me… I feel like it’s just better to let them live their lives and let them think I’m the junkie, crazy mother I’ve been made out to be. I mean, I give up.

It’s true. I was totally loaded on Xanax after Karter left. I had to be; I was completely devistated; that’s why the doctor prescribed it. Half the time, I was being handed the pills. So yes, I’m very much guilty. I did in the end mix it with alcohol too, and I totally fucked everything up because of it. It wasn’t planned. I needed help, and I’m sorry for it.

I cannot apologize enough, or even put into words what it feels like to know I did those things, and can’t take it back, or make it better.. I punish myself every, single day; and always will. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

My biggest regret is not thinking more of my children’s feelings, because I was too lost in my own despair to do anything but try to breathe and not die myself. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO STOP IT FROM COMING.

Regrets….

I hope when my kids get to adulthood, they will understand that I am not the same now, as I was after their brother died. 

I used to call every night. Then it went down to once a week, then once every two weeks, now nothing. 

I can’t really expect anything, because I ruined everything. 

I am glad that my kids are happy, and I have to remember that that is the most important thing. 

My ex-husband is right about one thing. My kids ARE old enough to decide. 

If they don’t want anything to do with me, then there’s really nothing I can do.

I’ll continue to send them stuff on holidays and Birthdays. At least I’m good for that much. 

I pretty much figure that I ruin every single thing I touch. I don’t deserve my kids. 

Sucks having to admit that. 

Sucks grieving for three kids you carried, loved and pushed out of your body…when they are still alive. 

Sucks knowing that your ex does whatever he can to make sure that you stay away. Can you pick up the phone, or return a text? 

Because saying that I never called or tried, simply isn’t true. 

I hate myself every day for being too weak to keep my shit together and be a proper mother, Because I know I am a good mother when I’m not grieving and going insane, or drinking. AND I AM.

I haven’t drank for over three months.

I still feel like a loser for being me.  I miss my kids so much I can’t even think about it, because I get depressed and can’t cope. 

I wish they would love me again, and that they wanted me in their lives.

It’s not the case at all, and I’m just hurting today a lot because my family has for all intensive purposes shut me out, and given up on me. 

I just wonder how much someone has to change, to deserve some kind of love; some sort of chance to make it right.

I’m rambling. 

Maybe I don’t deserve it. I don’t think that’s true at all, but maybe.

I’m trying to love myself despite the fact that I wish I could just die already. 

I don’t know what I expected, but I surely never thought it’d be like this. 

Consequences of a sick mind I guess. FML. Apparently I’m not allowed to feel any certain way about it, because if I do; I’m selfish…and really I’m just a piece of shit drunk that abandoned her kids, and that’s all I’ll ever be… right?

FUCK OFF, and FUCK YOU.

Now I have to try to get myself in a better mood; and be strong, so as not to appear affected by any of it. 

Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be? STRONG? 

Yeah right. 

No worries…I’m on it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

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There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you, and I’ll never get the chance.

The seasons are changing, and I remember how we used to be.

Seems beyond strange that I’ll never see you again.

Life changes day by day, and I know you are still with me.

You gave me something that no one else could give.

We understood each other without words.

I know you know I loved you.

I know you loved me too.

I miss you.

J.Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

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Monday, November 7th, 2016

Except for Math, today has been great. I still don’t know why there needs to be a different process for absolutely every math operation though….it shouldn’t be so confusing. To me, it really is.  I’m convinced it’s just a bunch of number loving people, making it much more difficult than it has to be, for the  rest of us.

Yes I’m math dumb, and I always will be. Don’t hate.

But enough of that.

So in the process of painting my apartment, a meeting with my case worker and my day in general; this happened!

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I hit 60 days sober…again. I’m really hoping this will be the last time I have to cross this milestone, and I’m looking forward to the next sober month milestone already. I’m working on it day by day, and for me it’s a good sign, considering the fact that I haven’t even been thinking about it. So grateful for that. I don’t forsee having any issues making it another 30. I’m confident and I won’t let myself slip with daily work. I know this.

The very best thing about today is that I got to talk to my kids again tonight, and not only did my son pass drivers training, but he also called me to tell me so! It was a great surprise and it made me feel good that he wanted to share it with me. So proud of him!!

I also had a really good conversation with my youngest daughter, and it’s getting really plain to see that she has a lot of my good qualities in her.  🙂 She’s such a dreamer and smart and in love with life. A writer, a reader, likes to disect things in science class. Lol. I’m missing out. I want to be there. We talked about a lot of things, and it was really nice to have that bit of closeness that I was hoping we’d find again.  I hope it will grow. With both my youngest kids.

I’ve got a lot I’m doing right now and it’s all in anticipation of next Springs goals and preparing for the things I intend to get done.

It’s days like this that turn out good without really trying, that make me hopeful that things may just have a happy ending in the end after all.

Having hope keeps you afloat and able to keep dreaming.

My story isn’t close to being fished yet either.

In some ways, I feel like it’s only just begun.

Loving my kids, my day, and my life tonight.

To me that’s priceless.

Another day in the books.

J. ROUNDS (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Great day!

I had such a great day. I was beginning to think it only happened to everyone else, but nope; it came to me on this day, as it sometimes does when I work hard. 🙂

I got to speak to my children tonight. 🙂 We had actual conversations. Lol. I’m SO happy. I was just completely beside myself with excitement and joy.

Before I used to call, but it was when I could no longer go without their voices anymore. I used to force myself not to call, because I was told that my daughter was suffering from anxiety and having trouble over it when I did. Also because sometimes I tend to get very emotional when on the line; and I didn’t want to screw them up more, or their lives. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away. I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it for very long; because it hurt too much…what I lost…and what I  just gave away because of my issues and addictions. Funny how you can block out some things when you can’t deal. Funny how you can call yourself a mother when you can’t even be there for them in real life, or even call. The things we sometimes tell ourselves to cope.

Hearing them tonight made me realize just how long it’s been since I’ve seen or held them in my arms. One-and-a-half years. It was a sad feeling; but also a feeling that I should change that fact, and I would and will. I resolved to making a commitment to my children like I should have done in the first place. I’m  calling for sure at least once a week again…No matter what. It’s the most reasonable thing to do until I get a car in June and can get back to see them. I’ve focused on my own life because I knew I needed to and I knew they were being well taken care of; I didn’t have to worry about them in that way. But I dropped the ball as a mother in so many ways; it’s really time to start trying to find a way to make it better…not perfect…but better.

I’m so happy to be able to talk to them again, and that’s a start. And I’m grateful to my ex-husband for letting me talk to them. I have to give him props for protecting them, and always putting them first. We haven’t always agreed on much of anything; but I think seeing it from his position, he was just being a good father.  I was ruining my own life, and dragging my feet. It’s not until he told me I couldn’t speak to them that I decided no more.  Thank you for that. It was the fire and motivation I needed to let go of all remaining people in my life that did not have my best interests in mind. It needed to happen.

Talking to my kids was definitely the highlight of my day.

In other news, another kitty found a home. Kato ❤

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Now I have only one left who is getting a home sometime soon with a friend of a friend.
So my plan regarding my cat loves is working out. I will end up with only two cats..which is what I wanted. Hahaha.

Also my final submission for my post production class is finished, in and on time. I know I’m going to get a good grade on it. I also worked my ass off for it.  I have two days now to breathe until the next period starts. And breathe I will because I’m not smoking anymore.

I was also asked to reconsider modeling again. It was a good conversation and got me to thinking about a lot of things. I had put it on the back burner.  In the spring I will start making plans again for it. I’ll have the winter to work my ass out, and I’ll be able to actually meet the goal because I will have a car to get places and no one will be able to stop me. More on that later.

This is getting wordy so I’ll leave it at that.

Here’s the little update. Hopefully I’ll have some more time to blog in the coming up days.

Bottom line is I’m sticking with my plan because it’s working, and I’m thriving.

I am 42 days sober….Again. I intend to make it stick.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peace of me

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Live, Love, Laugh

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Today has been a wonderful day for me, because I decided it would be.

I’ve talked to a lot of people I care about and needed to catch up with, but haven’t. I’m currently two days in with the not smoking thing (patches on), and it’s going great and I’m proud of myself. I’m on track with school. I’m healthy and alive and sober.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

Lately, my head was really being consumed with things it ought not to be consumed with. It was stalling me, and holding me back. I finally decided that I should probably  start making an effort to put out as much as I *receive, and spending time on people who actually deserve it and love me; as it should be.

I’m happy to be moving on in my life finally. I am really focusing on making the changes still needed.

I am in full-speed ahead mode; and at this point, I can’t see myself stopping.

I’m hoping soon that I can prove to my ex-husband, that’s it’s safe to let me talk to my children again…because I really miss them and I have to work on those relations. My kids are all I have, and I don’t have them now. I need them. I need to at least have the communication open to try.

My ex-husband is a good father, a sensible man, and I know he knows this.

In time.

For now, I’m getting through this day with a smile on my face. It is genuine, and not forced. 🙂

I feel the changes happening in me every day, and I just know things will be happy and fulfilling in the end for me; if I just don’t stop moving forward. I’m actually really excited. I needed this latest series of events to happen, to get my ass back in actual reality again.

Today was an excellent day.

This is my story, and I’m writing it daily as I go along.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I Got Some Really Bad News today…

I just have so much pain in my heart right now, for so many things.

It aches and feels like it’s never going to be ok.

I think of all the things I could have done differently and the bad choices I’ve made in my past.

I’m suffering the repercussions of some of those bad choices now. But this time, it couldn’t get any worse. My kids are gone now for good. I hate myself right now more than anything.

My heart is torn in a million pieces, and I’m all alone. I don’t care what anyone says; Hell is right here on Earth and I live in it every single day.

The last time I have been this devestated was when my son passed. It’s the same exact feeling.

Now, I have literally nothing to live for, and I don’t know what to do.

I do know I’m not giving up. Because giving up never got me anywhere.

I’m also not going to drink even though I really want to right now. Because I know that’d kill me even more.

Please say a good thought for Jenni (me) if you would please, I’d really appreciate it.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but there’s no other option. Day by day I guess.

I will remember to Love myself this time. As always, I hope you will too.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me.

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I remember the smell of your hair those last days.

And the cream on your face and the way the man at the funeral home apologized, but said that it was needed to keep your skin soft, and we would have to see past that.

I never thought I’d have to say goodbye to you so soon. It seems so unbelievably unfair after all you’ve fought through.

What kind of God is there, and where is he at now? Nowhere around me, do I feel him at all. How am I supposed to bare this?

As if the fact that your hair still smells like carnations could ever make up for it at all.

J.Rounds (c)2008 ~Peaces of Me

Confessions of a Mental Mother

I am proud of my children. They are simply strong and amazing.

They have had to endure so much.

For a long while I was so lost in my own spiral down, that I never even stopped to think about what they were feeling inside and what I was doing to them. They lost their brother. They have had  to deal with a less than, mental, addiction-prone mother. They had to go through a divorce, and all those feelings that no kid should have to go through or place at all.

Strong and amazing kids. All three of them.

How selfish I can be.

Some secrets…

I got pregnant in highschool and I was 17 when I had my first daughter. My mother raised my eldest daughter until she was 13 years old, because I would not be, and didn’t know how to be, a proper mother.  She then lived with me and my ex husband for about 3 years, and then went to live with her father, because I couldn’t deal with my own teenage daughter. She’s 27 now, and amazing.

My ex husband and his wife are now raising my youngest two; 9 and soon to be 15; because I lost it after my son passed, and AGAIN could not deal, and left Michigan.

Although I love my children more than anything, I for all intensive purposes “gave up.” And I gave up on my children just the same.

Technically, it’s the truth.

What a shitty mother.
I did have good intentions, I didnt want to hurt them anymore, but what a shitty mother just the same.

Tonight I talked to my youngest daughter and I realized just how grateful I am, that they are doing well, and that they have a good father. They have a good step-mother too, and are thriving; for that I couldn’t  be happier.

I wonder what it would have been like, had I not left at all, and I was still in their lives every day.

I know now that it is something I can only wish for when they are older and have their own independence. I don’t think it’s right to try to do anything that’ll cause them uneeded stress.

I hope they know that despite my issues and shortcomings, THEY are the reason I’m trying so hard to make my life work in a healthy way.

I hope some day things will be better and I can offer their lives something positive.  I also hope they know that they are my very favorite things in this world, and I will always love them unconditionally, as they love me.

I miss them; and I’m proud tonight of how great they are; and I’m so sorry.

The things we do sometimes to the people we love, and ourselves. Meh. This is something I wish I could take back every day.

I know I can’t.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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