To accept the things I cannot change, and build a new foundation for trust.

I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.

It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.

As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.

The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.

We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.

It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.

I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.

Fact.

Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.

I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.

I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.

Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.

I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.

Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.

I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.

It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.

I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.

I damaged my kids because of it.

I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.

I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.

I miss them every day.

I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.

I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.

It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.

I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.

It was my entire focus for over a decade.

I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.

I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.

That truth is so hard to admit.

I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.

What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.

You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.

This I know for sure.

I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.

I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.

My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.

I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.

I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.

I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?

I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.

It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.

Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.

Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.

My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.

If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.

Do not miss out on the best things in your life.

It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.

For my kids; for my future, for myself.

I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.

I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.

Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.

P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What Does it Have to Take?

Just heard that legally owned guns, were used in the Texas school shooting; so that whole argument is SHIT.

Kids killing other kids; to prove they are somebody.

Please get some mental health professional teams up in these schools; and change these kids way of thinking before we have a whole generation of kids that have lost people they love; before they are even able to process it properly; because they are KIDS.

That’s happening.

I have to care because I have kids in school. I have to care; because I don’t think it’s right to let these kinds of traumas be the norm for kids nowadays.

It’s not right that we look away and deny the issues.

There are TOO many kids that fall through the cracks of life. I know all about that.

Every child you help get through something that is hard for them to cope with in life; is a child that feels value.

When a child feels value, they can literally excel to any level.

It’s NOT Rocket Science. It’s a common sense approach to actually helping the world and the kids that will be running it in the future; and disrupting the unhealthy cycles of the world”s workings.

Change.

The fact that most schools do not have set teams of professionals to deal with the emotional BS of being a kid in a world like today, astounds me.

Does anybody care at all unless it affects them?

People are so desensitized to reality; that no one will believe it when the world finally DOES blow up.

We are all burning already.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Guns or Our Children? Views of a Bipolar Mother.

I struggle to believe that the world has come down to choosing weapons over children’s/people’s lives and well-being…but it seems more and more to be the case.

I have been very vocal about my opinions on it on social media; as well as my political stances on other nonsense that seems to be going on in my country absolutely every, single day.

I feel compelled to spread REASON, amongst SO many that seem to not have any.

Do you get as tired of the way the world is as I do; and if not, why?

It seems everyone says speak your voice. But when you do, people act as if you are being too dramatic or fanaticle.

How is that MY issue that you don’t want to see reality?

It’s my issue because kids are DYING. I have kids in school. How is modifying gun laws and gun practices even a choice for gun owners??

Has the world gone mad, and am I in a dream?

Adults acting as if their rights are more important than the children we are all supposed to be raising properly.

If I can be ok with not being able to even own a weapon because I have documented mental issues; and by society’s standards I’m a “risk” because of it…….. If I can’t even own a gun to “protect” myself when I’m not a threat to anyone; then why aren’t YOU ok with not being able to get every, single version of gun that you want; if it would potentially save lives as well? Why do you get to put your needs over the kids getting shot by other kids in their own classrooms?

I don’t care if you want an automatic weapon or the right to buy it, or not.

Your rights are not more important than a childs. My child’s. I learned that the hard way; a different way; but that is STILL the truth of the matter.

*Your rights don’t matter compared to a child’s life, their safety, or rights.*

It’s time to listen to our children more, and engage with them…..put down our phones and realize our kids are raising themselves emotionally….and that’s not right. They NEED love. They NEED safety. They NEED direction and positive reinforcement. They need their parents and adults that CARE. They need a safer world to live in and schools to go to that provide needed safety.

And I’ll keep saying that, and speaking out about that fact.

Just like it’s not important that I get to own one, because I’m bi-polar, you as a gun owner, can get real and sacrifice as well.

It’s just not THAT important. NOT in a world like today.

Do you want to keep your children safe or potentially bury them do to a kid getting a weapon they shouldn’t have, and coming in to your kids school, and shooting it up?

THINK about it. These are KIDS with war weapons, the weapon of choice in mass school shootings.

One of the things we have to do is get gun owners to realize that NO ONE is saying that you CAN’T own a gun.

But you don’t need to own an assault weapon of any kind, unless you can prove you have a NEED for it; and pass any kind of vetting there is to get one…..which should be tons of red tape, and hard to get anyways.

At one point does reason enter in to this gun situation?

Fyi. I’d love to go to a gun range and shoot an automatic weapon. That would be fun.

But I have no issue NOT doing it, because I know that at the end of the day…that doesn’t mean anything to be able to have the right to do that VS. someone’s life…. Because I’m bi-polar.

I won’t feel bad or offended for wanting my kids to have a chance at the future!!

Gun people, get a fucking handgun and a rifle and be a sane person. Can YOU pass a psychological exam? Why do you need an automatic weapon? Who is coming to get you, that you feel you need an automatic weapon to defend yourself; when I don’t need anything but my voice and reason?

My rights aren’t important, because I’m bipolar? Its not important, because it’s not YOUR KID that is the victim?

Stop bitching about how many guns you can get. No one cares; I know I don’t.

Kids are DYING.

I don’t want it to happen again, OR lose another child for YOUR GUNS.

Guns are part of the problem; as well as the attitudes of a lot of you that carry them.

BETTER REGULATIONS!!

***Stricter penalties for anyone owning illegal/undocumented weapons, and being caught with them***

Gun show rules changed. No immediate sales of guns to anyone not already having had a proper psych evaluation and documentation of it, added on to background check.

I don’t care.

Gifting registry started and documented/ran the same way. (Make it work)

Legal documentation for EVERY gun owned by American citizens everywhere. NOW. We need to get an accurate record of that. Also the reason for having high-powered weapons, if you have them.

Every, single purchase and sale of a gun documented, with extensive background check and waiting period. NOW. Longer waiting periods.

All new sales of automatic weapons and magazines holding too many bullets, made illegal to common public…NOW.

***Age to buy gun raised.***

Any new special permits granted for owning an automatic weapon; only granted with extensive regulations, background checks and permissions…also reason for owning. This includes people that already have them, as previously stated.

You should have to be psychologically evaluated too.

If my rights are infringed upon, and my kids lives not important… Then it should also be a hassel for you…FULLY.

For me, the list goes on and on for what you should do.
It shouldn’t be easy for people to get war guns. Especially when they are children with problems; getting and using these guns… on other children.

Throwing more guns at the situation and arming teachers doesn’t do anything but create more potential for school violence and moral issues for some teachers; they will have to choose between teaching and their beliefs.

Kids lose.

Teachers shouldn’t have to carry weapons to protect their children. We shouldn’t be expecting them to either.

THAT’S NOT TEACHING.

I’ve been beside myself about this particular issue, because I have two school-aged children; and I also know the pain of losing a child tragically.

That is not a pain you want to carry.

Instead of throwing more guns at the situation; why don’t we invest in the future of our children and change the gun laws to make them SANE; and hire a mental health team for every school, so maybe on certain days the students sit in a class with trained mental health professionals; vent out frustrations; and learn how to cope with life in a world like today. How would that be a bad thing? Clearly you could help students and children in general, also get the ones that aren’t doing so good, a safe place to be able to talk about it, AND A VALID attempt at the help they NEED.

Prevention. Mental health awareness. Investing in the things that MATTER; instead of money, right to bear arms, and making excuses for the reasons you feel it’s more important to own warguns, instead of protecting the children of this nation from themselves.

I feel the real people that we should be protecting them from… Is a government and society that doesn’t care what happens to them, or what they feel. People that just want their guns.

This is a new level of dysfunction, that we as society promote daily.

I can’t live with that fact anymore; or the fact that my children’s school could be next.

You will not see me quiet down about it; until people start to get some moral fiber again…and our kids don’t have to fend for themselves when adults should be doing it for them instead.

P.s.

I’m glad to know there are REAL talks going on about this finally. And that there are brilliant minds that will change the future of our world, for and with positivity and diligence.

Because it’s going to happen…and IS happening.

BE THE CHANGE THE WORLD NEEDS.

Even if it’s just one person at a time; together, we can make a better future for our children possible… AND safer…and stop the cycle of dysfunction for many, from even occurring.

Those children can’t get their lives back. And it could have been prevented. All of the shootings could have been.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

#payattentiontoyourkids

#safeschoolsforkids #revisedsecondamendment
#mentalhealthawareness
#change
#realitycheck
#commonsense

To be Present. My Visit with my Children in Michigan.

I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.

I became elated.

Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…

I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.

My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.

 I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them. 

My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more. 

It was a good time.

If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today. 

I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present.  I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.

Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.

………………………………………………………

It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome;  both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂 

It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.

I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will;  doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live

I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.

I don’t know, but…..

I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. 

I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.

In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan.  I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.

I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.

Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.

I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.

My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again. 

That’s my hope.

I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone. 

It is a very emotional time for me right now though.

I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to. 

I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along. 

People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.

 I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.

My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this. 

This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming.  I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward. 

I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me. 

I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world. 

I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.

This I know for sure. 

Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things.  My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

 A Trip to Michigan.

Every day I am up by 6 am, but this day has felt particularly long to me for some reason. I was happy to have the small dogs at work tonight for a change; because you just can’t not love the small dogs. They make me happy 🙂

I’ve been hesitant to mention it; but I was able to get the time off of work that I needed, to visit my children in Michigan. I will see them in three more days. This is the first time in over two years.

I don’t much know what to say about that; except that I am regretful for many things regarding my kids…and this would be one of those things for certain. I have let them down in the past; and so now that everything is in place, I feel a little less anxious about it. 

Probably why I was hesitant to mention it.

I am nervous for various reasons; but also so excited and grateful to be seeing my kids. I hope it will be the start of more positive things between us, in the future. I don’t think I can hope or expect more.  I will also get to see my mother…which is also awesome. 
I couldn’t be happier about going. I feel more nervous about the weather, than anything else. 

I’m staying positive about it all; because that’s my M.O. now…

T will also be with me; so with the two of us together, it’s going to be an exciting trip there and back for sure. 

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

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I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.

But…

If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.

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I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.

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I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 

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I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME