To be Present. My Visit with my Children in Michigan.

I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.

I became elated.

Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…

I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.

My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.

 I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them. 

My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more. 

It was a good time.

If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today. 

I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present.  I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.

Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.

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It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome;  both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂 

It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.

I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will;  doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live

I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.

I don’t know, but…..

I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. 

I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.

In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan.  I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.

I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.

Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.

I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.

My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again. 

That’s my hope.

I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone. 

It is a very emotional time for me right now though.

I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to. 

I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along. 

People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.

 I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.

My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this. 

This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming.  I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward. 

I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me. 

I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world. 

I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.

This I know for sure. 

Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things.  My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

 A Trip to Michigan.

Every day I am up by 6 am, but this day has felt particularly long to me for some reason. I was happy to have the small dogs at work tonight for a change; because you just can’t not love the small dogs. They make me happy 🙂

I’ve been hesitant to mention it; but I was able to get the time off of work that I needed, to visit my children in Michigan. I will see them in three more days. This is the first time in over two years.

I don’t much know what to say about that; except that I am regretful for many things regarding my kids…and this would be one of those things for certain. I have let them down in the past; and so now that everything is in place, I feel a little less anxious about it. 

Probably why I was hesitant to mention it.

I am nervous for various reasons; but also so excited and grateful to be seeing my kids. I hope it will be the start of more positive things between us, in the future. I don’t think I can hope or expect more.  I will also get to see my mother…which is also awesome. 
I couldn’t be happier about going. I feel more nervous about the weather, than anything else. 

I’m staying positive about it all; because that’s my M.O. now…

T will also be with me; so with the two of us together, it’s going to be an exciting trip there and back for sure. 

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

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I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.

But…

If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.

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I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.

……………………………………………………..

I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 

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I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m down and missing significant pieces of my life…still sober though, just getting shit off my chest…again.

Firstly, I’m venting to get it out of me; and to process, so that I can accept it….long free-writing ramble.

The best kind right?

I haven’t spoken to my children in over two months. 

Every time I have tried to call or make plans to see them, I get no answer or response.

So I stopped trying. 

Two years ago I was calling every night. I was sick, and relapsing on and off; but I was still trying to maintain some sort of communication with my children. Always sober when I called. ALWAYS. I wanted them to know that I loved them, despite my absence/illness…also that I was still here. Since I was having financial issues at that time, I asked for Skype to be installed, so that I could talk to them… NO. I was told to get a proper phone like an adult, and call. So I did. 

I was treated like a piece of shit for having issues, and was talked down to repeatedly. Mostly just to keep me down; a lot of it, in front of my children.

My ex- husband then started telling me, that my daughter was having anxiety issues and had to see a therapist for it; because of me, and my calling…and the fact that she thought I just left her (because she was not told otherwise); also that the kids were old enough to make their own decisions about whether or not they wanted a relationship with me; and if given the choice, they would choose not to. 

He also said I abandoned my kids; and said I never even tried to call them.

Lately that’s been running through my mind like a broken record.

To my Ex-husband:  I DID NOT abandon my kids. I tried to see the kids before I left, and YOU said I couldn’t. I was in Kalamazoo, and you knew I was. 

I visited twice, as my finances would allow, after I left. 

I left the situation in general, because I knew I was going down, and I didn’t want to take anybody else with me. Our marriage was completely over, and you tried to shove me in a home with convicts and throw away the key; instead of actually helping me. Fuck that. I mean let’s get real here.

I’m pretty sure you would have left as well.

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO CALL. 

I call me leaving the marriage and then Michigan; being selfless and admitting that I was not able to be a fully-stable parent because my son passed, and I was his 24/7 caretaker…NOT YOU. I knew. Should I have robotted my way through it, like you? Don’t punish me for the rest of my life for not being as strong as you are. IT’S NOT RIGHT.  You never even tried to talk with me about any of it. Stop thinking I am the Jenni you knew so long ago. You don’t know me at all anymore.

I made some really bad choices in the past with a lot of things, but that’s not what I’m doing now. All of that crap was directly related to my grief…all of it. I never would have gone off the deep end like that had Karter not gone.

The reality is: I don’t get texts, calls, pictures or letters; although I’ve asked a million times for them. It is always me communicating with my kids. I’ve received one letter only, and one call when my son passed drivers training. My kids have phones and computers, and you have ALL of my information. When I do get to talk to them, they seem distracted and only concerned with things they want me to buy them, but can’t afford. Is this what I’ve become? It’s like I’m NO ONE to them now. 

I mean you blocked my eldest daughter, because she sent me a recent picture of my kids. 

Are you fucking serious?

I know that’s how kids are, but it hurts. It hurts because you intentionally made It worse by not telling them anything but bad shit about me. It hurts to know they don’t need me in their lives. It hurts that no matter what efforts I make, it is never enough. It hurts to know that some other woman does the things that I should be doing every day for my kids, but can’t. It hurts to know you give her the emotional support, that you should have given me. It hurts to know that you never tried to enforce the fact that I loved my kids, to my kids; made them think I abandoned them, and lied to everyone about how you raised them by yourself, and I was a shitty mother. 

You were at work. I was doing everything until you started taking shit away.  I took care of them for years after I left, even when I was working two jobs. 

But you raised them alone huh?

That’s a BS lie, and you know it.

The thing is though, that I KNOW that I’ve caused significant damage to my kids regarding my grief-filled, shit-storm of a spiral down…so I don’t have the RIGHT to be hurt. I DO understand that completely.

I’ve admitted and accepted responsibility for absolutely everything I ever did or was.

It STILL hurts. Because I have been talked down about, to my kids for years…by YOU, dear ex. 

And you said you’d never , ever keep my kids from me. 

You have. 

And you say it’s because you want to protect them. 

Protect them from what? A REAL, healthy relationship with their mother? 

What do I have to do? 

You know it kills me, but you don’t even care.

You’re hurting your kids too, you know. The sad thing is, you think it doesn’t hurt them. They don’t talk to me, because they don’t want to make you angry. Nothing more. I know about things like that for sure.

I’m a bipolar alcoholic with addictive tendencies. I’m NOT a bad person, or the devil. I am not a danger to my kids at all any longer, and I want some sort of break on that, because it’s absolutely ridiculous at this point. I am a sick person who has to maintain sobriety to keep in control. I try every day to be a better person, and am doing really well.

I don’t understand how my family can’t see this….OH yes I can. Not one person has called me in over three years. Thanks…I’m fine. You know just because I’ve had some VALID problems, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids or can’t become better. I do and I have. 

I don’t want to be with my ex at all (obviously); I’m super glad he’s happy with his new wife, but I am not doing so well without my kids.

MY KIDS.

I can’t even get a fucking return text from my ex, regarding coming to see them. 

YES…that makes me angry.

I know that I have issues, but I am not who I was when I left Michigan.

I can’t make any kind of anything, with no actual chance. I’m really tired of kissing ass, and being ignored. I don’t care if you think I deserve it or not.

Divorced people every day make situations way worse than this work, for the sake of their kids. 

Seriously.

Truthfully, at this point, I don’t even really know if I want to go see my kids anymore, or if I even should. I STRUGGLE WITH IT. According to the way my ex acts and how my kids don’t ever contact me… I feel like it’s just better to let them live their lives and let them think I’m the junkie, crazy mother I’ve been made out to be. I mean, I give up.

It’s true. I was totally loaded on Xanax after Karter left. I had to be; I was completely devistated; that’s why the doctor prescribed it. Half the time, I was being handed the pills. So yes, I’m very much guilty. I did in the end mix it with alcohol too, and I totally fucked everything up because of it. It wasn’t planned. I needed help, and I’m sorry for it.

I cannot apologize enough, or even put into words what it feels like to know I did those things, and can’t take it back, or make it better.. I punish myself every, single day; and always will. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

My biggest regret is not thinking more of my children’s feelings, because I was too lost in my own despair to do anything but try to breathe and not die myself. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO STOP IT FROM COMING.

Regrets….

I hope when my kids get to adulthood, they will understand that I am not the same now, as I was after their brother died. 

I used to call every night. Then it went down to once a week, then once every two weeks, now nothing. 

I can’t really expect anything, because I ruined everything. 

I am glad that my kids are happy, and I have to remember that that is the most important thing. 

My ex-husband is right about one thing. My kids ARE old enough to decide. 

If they don’t want anything to do with me, then there’s really nothing I can do.

I’ll continue to send them stuff on holidays and Birthdays. At least I’m good for that much. 

I pretty much figure that I ruin every single thing I touch. I don’t deserve my kids. 

Sucks having to admit that. 

Sucks grieving for three kids you carried, loved and pushed out of your body…when they are still alive. 

Sucks knowing that your ex does whatever he can to make sure that you stay away. Can you pick up the phone, or return a text? 

Because saying that I never called or tried, simply isn’t true. 

I hate myself every day for being too weak to keep my shit together and be a proper mother, Because I know I am a good mother when I’m not grieving and going insane, or drinking. AND I AM.

I haven’t drank for over three months.

I still feel like a loser for being me.  I miss my kids so much I can’t even think about it, because I get depressed and can’t cope. 

I wish they would love me again, and that they wanted me in their lives.

It’s not the case at all, and I’m just hurting today a lot because my family has for all intensive purposes shut me out, and given up on me. 

I just wonder how much someone has to change, to deserve some kind of love; some sort of chance to make it right.

I’m rambling. 

Maybe I don’t deserve it. I don’t think that’s true at all, but maybe.

I’m trying to love myself despite the fact that I wish I could just die already. 

I don’t know what I expected, but I surely never thought it’d be like this. 

Consequences of a sick mind I guess. FML. Apparently I’m not allowed to feel any certain way about it, because if I do; I’m selfish…and really I’m just a piece of shit drunk that abandoned her kids, and that’s all I’ll ever be… right?

FUCK OFF, and FUCK YOU.

Now I have to try to get myself in a better mood; and be strong, so as not to appear affected by any of it. 

Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be? STRONG? 

Yeah right. 

No worries…I’m on it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

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There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you, and I’ll never get the chance.

The seasons are changing, and I remember how we used to be.

Seems beyond strange that I’ll never see you again.

Life changes day by day, and I know you are still with me.

You gave me something that no one else could give.

We understood each other without words.

I know you know I loved you.

I know you loved me too.

I miss you.

J.Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

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Monday, November 7th, 2016

Except for Math, today has been great. I still don’t know why there needs to be a different process for absolutely every math operation though….it shouldn’t be so confusing. To me, it really is.  I’m convinced it’s just a bunch of number loving people, making it much more difficult than it has to be, for the  rest of us.

Yes I’m math dumb, and I always will be. Don’t hate.

But enough of that.

So in the process of painting my apartment, a meeting with my case worker and my day in general; this happened!

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I hit 60 days sober…again. I’m really hoping this will be the last time I have to cross this milestone, and I’m looking forward to the next sober month milestone already. I’m working on it day by day, and for me it’s a good sign, considering the fact that I haven’t even been thinking about it. So grateful for that. I don’t forsee having any issues making it another 30. I’m confident and I won’t let myself slip with daily work. I know this.

The very best thing about today is that I got to talk to my kids again tonight, and not only did my son pass drivers training, but he also called me to tell me so! It was a great surprise and it made me feel good that he wanted to share it with me. So proud of him!!

I also had a really good conversation with my youngest daughter, and it’s getting really plain to see that she has a lot of my good qualities in her.  🙂 She’s such a dreamer and smart and in love with life. A writer, a reader, likes to disect things in science class. Lol. I’m missing out. I want to be there. We talked about a lot of things, and it was really nice to have that bit of closeness that I was hoping we’d find again.  I hope it will grow. With both my youngest kids.

I’ve got a lot I’m doing right now and it’s all in anticipation of next Springs goals and preparing for the things I intend to get done.

It’s days like this that turn out good without really trying, that make me hopeful that things may just have a happy ending in the end after all.

Having hope keeps you afloat and able to keep dreaming.

My story isn’t close to being fished yet either.

In some ways, I feel like it’s only just begun.

Loving my kids, my day, and my life tonight.

To me that’s priceless.

Another day in the books.

J. ROUNDS (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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