A Place to Breathe

2 years and 8 months of believing that I deserve to live and not die.

Yes, it IS like that.

I want to remember this journey. The good and the bad of it…the lessons.

Change requires turning some attention to yourself instead of looking outward at everything and everyone else to fix it for you.

This I do know.

You have to be mindful of your life and choices, to actually change. You have to own your choices in this life.

At one point is does become a choice.

Even though it’s uncomfortable at times. Even though you aren’t perfect and have to admit it openly.

You can’t change the uncomfortable parts in life.

There’s a challenge but also a peace and calm and understanding in knowing and realizing that. With that understanding comes a sense of strength and some peace too.

Peaces strung together.

Just because it feels like you can’t get through something, doesn’t mean you can’t get through it.

I believe now that working through personal challenges without things that make my life unmanageable is the healthiest way to have a healthy life.

I cannot drink.

I equate a healthy life to helping myself so that I can help others in this life.

I’m guess I’m glad I’m done making excuses, and more to doing the work today to change towards better ways.

Feels good to be in recovery a little more every day.

No one can take the work you put into yourself, from you. It can ONLY make you stronger in character and happier in yourself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Limits.

I’m tired of being put in positions for other people’s gains and I won’t be anymore.

At all.

I could be in a completely different place had I known the truth of the matter.

My life is not waiting for others to get their shit together and change.

It’s not my job to make other people comfortable at the literal expense of myself because they feel entitled, either.

My life is changing on the daily and I’m at my limit of what I can give out. Literally.

I have things I have to focus on to make my life work, and to not lose the things that I have worked for. Why should I have to?

I won’t go backward for anyone, especially when it’s not even appreciated and the whole thing was a ruse in the first place, just to not have to fall alone, or try. Thanks.

You don’t even know how hurtful it is and you don’t even care.

It’s always great until I’ve got nothing else to give. Right? It’s hard to keep doing for others when there’s nothing but people implying that you aren’t doing enough, and they aren’t doing anything at all themselves.

Why don’t YOU do something for a change?

I have kids that I can’t even afford to see, and I live 45 minutes away from them.

I have 33¢ in my bank account. My credit card is maxed out, even after a credit increase. For giving when I didn’t have it to give.

That’s fucking sad and not right, considering what’s actually going on. Considering you knew all along your position.

I’m making some hard choices and it’s not going to be fun.

But at the end of the day no one’s doing anything for me, but ME. It’s very obvious as well. Very.

I want to move forward and not back, and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Your life is on you. I can’t save you. You have to save yourself.

It’s not fair to me, to make me feel guilty for that either.

I’m 2 years, 7 months, and 25 days sober. I don’t even smoke anymore, and haven’t for over two months. You’d never, ever know it if you went just based off the way I’ve been feeling inside over all of this.

I bet you didn’t even consider my feelings.

That is what hurts most of all.

Loving myself, because I deserve to.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Positive Affirmations Remind Me.

I’m grateful to be sober and cigarette-free.

I’m grateful to not be on synthetic medication to regulate my moods.

I’m grateful to be able to feel fully.

I’m grateful for my children.

I’m grateful for my family even though it can be hard sometimes.

I’m grateful for my health and to be working towards becoming more healthy, daily.

I’m grateful that I’m ok marching to the beat of my own drummer.

I’m grateful that I am open to learn every day.

I’m grateful I don’t compromise my values anymore to please people so they will love me.

I’m grateful to know that the people that really love me never would need me to compromise myself, and would never ask me to.

No matter what happens, I AM grateful.

Good or bad days they are mine, and I know that I am lucky for it because a lot didn’t end up surviving what I have.

I’m grateful that I can see the light now.

I’m grateful to be grateful.

I’m grateful to have actually sold a piece of my art to someone who will appreciate it.

Loving myself tonight in the wake of adversity.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Strength in Knowing

There is strength in knowing that the only way to live my best life is to cut out the things in it, that make it unbearable to live.

Knowing this makes it easier to do the right thing when I have moments when I feel like I can’t do it.

If I ignore what I know then I am setting myself back.

Doors open when you shut the one’s that go nowhere instead of leaving them open to suck your life away.

Keep going. Shut the doors that lead to negativity in any way you can, at whatever pace *that works for you…just shut them.

I personally work every day to shut mine and keep them closed.

It’s a process; a day to day one.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

The Universe Speaks to Me When I Listen.

It is said that knowing is half the battle, and I agree fully.

There’s another part though that matters just as much, and it’s what you do after you know.

I knew for a long time that I needed help to come back to ME. I knew I couldn’t do it alone too. I thought about change for a long, long time; for years.

I thought for a while that if I had a “good enough” life to the outside world, that that would fix things for me.

I was wrong.

I looked for happiness in bad relationships, material things, and other people’s opinions of me; like that was going to make my insides full of what I didn’t have.

I was wrong.

It took a long time to look at myself, for the simple fact that you never want to think that it’s your fault. No one does. You never want to think that you may be responsible for some of the worst parts/times of your life.

It’s easier to blame it on other people or on unfortunate circumstances.

I did that.

There are different stages of waking up, so it took me an awfully long time to look inward and actually get to implementing the changes in my life that I had only thought about before.

I’m waking up. There are still changes I’d like to make in my life.

It’s a process that I really wouldn’t change for anything at this point.

I honestly struggle sometimes to make sense of things I don’t understand. I can get overly anxious and I have to pull away and be mindful and deal with those feelings. I have bad days, but they are not full days of bad like they used to be. They are moments now; Sometimes multiple moments strung together; but mainly just small moments like my mind is backfiring, and then I come back to center and start running right again.

It’s a weird way to describe it, but yeah….that’s what it feels like.

It’s hard, still; but it’s not the unbearable, my life is over, I can’t go on hard like it used to be for me.

I think it will continue to get better the more sober time I get and the more I keep living life on life’s terms.

I am free of synthetic meds and have been for as long as I’ve been sober.

I don’t know if that’s where faith comes in or not.

Lately, and for a bit now, I’ve just been giving it over to the universe and knowing that I’m going to be ok, and that I am ok because I’m doing the right things for myself.

I’m walking the walk finally, every day, and it feels good. I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to anyone.

That feeling that has been with me since childhood has left the building.

I don’t think people really get that because they are so used to the old way I used to be.

I have cut people out of my life for that. I don’t regret it either.

They say that people come in and out of your life at appropriate times to show us what we need, so that we can make better choices for our own lives.

I’ve been embracing this theory and it’s been helping me to be a kinder, more gentle in nature, more understanding person than I used to be even six months ago.

I think over the years of trying to suppress myself, I built up walls and some things that weren’t really true, became to feel true to me.

I had to get past those things. I had to really look inside myself and look at how I contributed to my own sickness and my own unhealthy cycles.

It’s really freeing to make amends with yourself, to own your mistakes, to stop letting your mistakes define you, to make better choices.

It’s nice to be able to just live today in my skin, no matter what the day brings, and not have expectations on what level I need to be at, to be good enough for anyone else but me.

Sometimes I have bad days. It’s gonna’ happen. It sucks, but I work it out because that is who I am now.

I know I am so lucky to be able to still have this life, and I think about that every, single, day.

I needed the struggles to see the good in me again. I needed to know in myself that I was strong enough to turn my life around and that I could do good things with my life.

I needed good people, healthy people, people that loved me; to help me.

For a while, those people kept me alive, and that’s not a dramatization. I could never put into words how grateful I am for those people, but I try to all the time because I am thankful, and I know that by myself I could not have done it.

Now, today, it’s like the more I push past the fear of not knowing, the more chances I take to change my old thinking patterns, the stronger I become.

I have so many positive people in my life that I don’t want to be around negative ones because that’s not my normal anymore.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I am waking up.

I am 2 years, 4 months, and 23 days sober. I’m not looking backward anymore like backwards is my path.

It’s not.

My path is the one that I am forging today, and it’s not in that backward direction at all.

It’s a fact at this point, as well as a belief that I am on the right path.

This is MY path.

Putting genuine effort into being well, is an investment in yourself that will last a lifetime. Once you wake, you cannot go back to sleep.

This I know.

Thinking about change doesn’t change you either; only changing, changes you.

This I know for sure.

Believe that you can change the things in you that hold you down because you can. No matter what anyone else tells you.

The universe is with you.

Knowing is half of the battle. Look to the people who lift you up to show you the way.

The rest of it is up to you, and you alone.

You can do it.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

The More You Know

I have not written words on paper for a long time.

A computer screen would not be paper, but I haven’t wanted to write here on this blog either. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel like I need to just go with the flow when it comes to my writing, so I am.

My life is pretty different then it was the last time I blogged.

I am a legal resident of Michigan now.

It was a slightly daunting move that took patience, but I financed it all myself and so for some reason, I am proud of that. I worked hard to make it happen and accomplish the goal. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even been able to attempt it.

My growth inside is daily, and I am sober. My mind is open. I’m embracing all three of these gifts because that’s what they are.

I took some time off from working to decompress and regroup. I’ve been slightly depressed at points these last three weeks, but the time off has done me some good. I think after a big change it just takes a bit to level out. My mind was tired and my body was tired too. I needed the rest, and so I’m glad I took the time.

Now it’s time to look for a better job than the one I used to work before. I have an excellent referral letter from my former employer and motivation to match it.

Time to get going again, and I’m ready.

I don’t know where it will lead, but I trust the direction the universe is taking me. I also trust myself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

One In the Same.

In the still, I can feel it haunting me.

It’s the familiar tinge of anxiety saying that I have fallen, and I can’t get up.

Doubt is not my friend. It certainly at times, loves to lick at the base of my spine and shoot out my eyes and mouth, with a sharpness.

I find solace in living and challenging myself to mentally grow every day in some positive way; to move forward no matter how small the step, even on my worst days.

A level-head, and reason always prevails.

Today has been a good day for me. I know that I am at the point in my life where letting go and moving forward, are one in the same.

This is what life is all about.

I have faith in the universe, and what it’s taught me thus far. I am open to whatever lessons it holds next for me.

I reminded myself again today that I do have true friends that will listen to my rambles when I need support. I thank you.💯❤

I also reminded myself that “letting things go”, means actually letting things go; not re-evaluating the same situation over and over again, like the outcome will ever be different or change.

I’ve found for myself that validation comes mostly just in knowing the truth of the matter…..and most times, that’s all you’ll get.

I’m looking up and ahead to the future with confidence and grace.

I am sober and Michigan bound in two weeks.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I Am Not One of Them.

I’ve learned after decades of struggling with pretty much everything, that the things I hold onto in my head, are the things that I will focus on. Also, that I am in full control of myself and my actions. No one else. That’s the bottom line.

Get to living.

There’s never going to be a moment when I won’t be bipolar or in some sort of recovery. There’s never going to be a time when I will be able to fully accept some of the traumas and betrayals I’ve lived through in my life. THIS is what I’ve accepted and made peace with. That and knowing the fact that I DID live through it all. Somehow that realization made it easier to start letting some of the hurt, anger, confusion, hate, self-loathing and pain go.

My pain was like a comforter to me, for most of my life. It was a horrible side-effect from a lot of different things, and something I was used to, and knew well. My pain built thick walls that were riddled with doubt and fear, Hatred towards myself, and those around me.

It was not a comfort in the slightest. It was a liar. It didn’t keep me safe. It didn’t keep me from drinking. It didn’t keep me from getting hurt by other people, or from hurting other people.

It kept me from living. It kept me stuck.

For me personally it is hard to let go of some things, because I can’t even remember every part, and every single thing that has happened to me. I don’t know all of it, because there’s no way I could know everything. It’s been hidden from me. I do know enough though, to know that it’s there and will come back in different pieces, and I’ll know then…. or it won’t come at all. I might never get the answers to certain things. I might never get validation or closure from anything. THIS is what I accept and make peace with. Then it becomes easier to let it go.

Getting to the point where I was actually present in today, every day, took me a long, long, long, long time to actually implement.

Even though I knew exactly what to do.

Self-loathing is really detrimental to your life, and is a running bi-product of most mental health issues.

For me, I just reached the point where I couldn’t keep dragging myself through the mud every day anymore.

{You spin me right round baby, right round}

Like a record baby; a broken one.

ENOUGH. I was my own problem…..

I wish sometimes that I didn’t know how things actually are in the world because it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. TOO MUCH.

I then start to look at the other side of it and realize just how much internal strength there is knowing what I know. Learning what I’ve learned. Living through the things I lived through. Hard lessons or not, I am around to talk about it.

The pressures we put on ourselves are often tainted with underlying needs.

My underlying needs were to feel validated and loved and safe. Those were my underlying needs for most of my life, because I never felt it. In the past I have ruined any opportunity for those needs to be fulfilled, because I didn’t know how to feel it. I would do things to push people away from me.

It was because I never validated or felt love or felt safe in myself.

I was my own problem.

When I actually accepted that about myself a big weight was lifted.

I didn’t want to be that version of Jenni anymore, because I sucked the life out of everything and everyone, and it was miserable and exhausting every day.

That realization and the need to feel peaceful inside, set me on a path to building a life that was real; honest to myself and my beliefs, no matter what.

I am present in this day, and not in my past with my ghosts that kept me chained and locked away from HOPE.

Some people lie to themselves their entire lives and are totally fine with it.

I am not one of them.

I choose not to be.

I hope you will choose not to be too.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling whole inside is a journey that begins with the active, daily choice to participate in your own life.

Investing in your emotional health every day = loving yourself = feeling better = being better = BETTER LIFE 🙂

Let go of the negative influences that make you second-guess your gut instincts.

It is essential to protect your gut instinct, and use it. Without it, you will drown in a literal sea of bad choices, and most likely not survive it at all.

Admitting that you need to get control of your life is the first step, in whatever area of your life that it may be.

It won’t be easy and that’s ok. Don’t worry. This is the start of a new destination to a better you.

Now that you’ve admitted it, you can actually begin.

Being honest with yourself means you’re actually going places now.

Trust your gut.

*Smiles to self.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

Jenni was Here.

When I write, I feel a sense of decompression as the words leave my brain and come into sentence.

It makes room.

Eventually there will be nothing left to say, and this will be all that remains of me.

It’s documented proof that I fight the fight, and live this life.

Writing about my life has been the most freeing and beneficial thing I have done for myself, for my mental health, and also for my recovery; which will be an on-going, life-long process.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME