Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


178.

I can be grateful and happy that I am 178 days sober, and moving in what seems to be, a forward motion. 

Today I’m just going to go to work, and talk to animals.

Nothing fancy, but it works.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Work.

So I got the job at the pet hotel. My orientation and scheduling is today, after noon.

I’m not too worried about it because I’m OCD and good with animals. 

My biggest challenge will be interacting with actual people. 

That’s funny I know. 

Especially if you knew me growing up.

I pretty much figure it can only be, as hard as I make it. 

I have goals that I can at least have a shot at meeting now, and have accomplished this one… because I know what is important.

I’m doing. 

This is the first tax-paying job, that I have had in almost five years. 

I’m still going to work on my other ideas for happiness, on the side.

Eventually I’ll find a way that suits me, and is truly fufilling/productive.

That’s important to me, but this is a good start.

I am 5 months, 23 days sober.

Meow.

Love yourself. 😘😘😘

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Trust your Gut.

I’ve spent too much of my life going against myself.

It wasn’t worth it at all.

Your gut will never lie to you…

It’s your brain that does that. 

Trust yourself enough to know the difference.

When you go against your gut, you are going against what your core being believes to be true. 

It usually is true.

Second-guessing yourself doesn’t do anything, but give your brain space to create self-doubt, and confusion within you.

Love yourself enough to trust your gut intuition.

It is there for a reason, and can save you from a lot of potential BS in the future.

The hard way, is no way to learn about this one….trust me.

Please just do.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Interview.

I just got back from the interview at the pet hotel; and I don’t know; but I guess it went ok. 

She said I’d know by Friday, and she told me everything she could, to make me understand that the job wouldn’t be easy…and borderlined on hard.

What job have I ever had, or what situation have I ever been in, that wasn’t?

Pretty much.

It seems to me that at least it could be a positive something to focus on, that wouldn’t be detrimental to me emotionally. 

I apologized to the lady for my nervousness and awkwardness; I also told her that I was more than ready for any kind of challenge she put in front of me.

She did say that there are company opportunities at points.

I hope I get the job, because I need it. 

I hope I will feel better about myself, and my life.

Having a job would be a part of it anyways…

Baby steps.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Greetings from Chicago.

I’m in Chicago for four days with T, for his work. 

The cats are driving me insane, and I wish I had the I Dream of Genie nod or the Samantha nose wiggle going, so I could pause them all and have a chance to breathe for once. 

How is this vacation? Lol.

I have a lot on my mind, but I am sober; for that I am truly grateful.

I know that for me, that IS the most important thing. 

It’s Tuesday and I’m going to take a bubble bath…I figure why not.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

Hope for Texas and myself.

Last days of Summer are here already; it’s in the air, and undeniable. 

Not sure how I feel about that.

I am five months, six days sober, and I think I’ve been doing fairly well keeping level and positive these last days.

I’ve got too many things to do, and not enough money to do it. Correction: I’ve got too many things I NEED to do, and not enough money to do it. 

Imagine that. 

I decided to change my availability at the PET HOTEL to, “just let me work, I don’t care what time, or what shift.“; in hopes I can get some kind of interview, and spend my time picking up dog and cat shit and talking to animals for money; while I work on my Etsy store and photography/art projects on the side.

I know the animals will help my mood significantly, and I need the money to pay my way into financial responsibility and self-worth again.

Seems legit. 

I’ve done WAY worse things to get money. Enough said.

I’m going to stay positive about it, because I really can’t afford not to. 

I’m well enough to work, I just need to do something that’s going to keep me positive.

For now I’m back to this Etsy thing….and I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just burn the shit I’m posting, instead. 

I’m grateful because I know that my situation could be way worse.

I think of the people in Texas and the surrounding areas that were affected by the flooding and rain; the children and animals and all of the chaos; the fear and confusion I know those people must be feeling or must have felt. 

I cannot imagine, and don’t want to.

I can’t complain about anything; because mostly I’m just pissed off at myself, my lack of responsibility for my own life, and the way I allowed myself to give up on ME.

I could tell you all my theories about what my issues are and were…but I decided to write a book instead, because it’s too deep to rattle off on a public blog all the time. 

I’ve been writing every day for weeks now, consistently.

It’ll come out when I get to that stage, whenever that is, and if it helps someone in the end besides myself, then it will have been worth writing fully. 

Today I’m just posting a picture of me from two days ago, so you can see I’m still taking it day by day; and still trying to be happy in the best way I can.

Please donate anywhere you are able to, to help the people of Hurricane Harvey rebuild their lives; and have the kind of aftercare, that they will need and deserve.

T and I are donating for now; but it’s got me to thinking about other ways I could help as well…and I want to.

How you can help Harvey victims/survivors

American Red Cross

Count your blessings every day, because you have many more than you realize. 

You do.

As always, Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME