Some Things I Know, Other Things No

I’ve said goodbye to Pennsylvania. I reside in Ohio now, and I didn’t ask anyone’s permission. So there you go.

I’m starting to revisit my goals list, and I think I have to narrow it down to needs and wants and find a better way through. 

I know I will continue with my school, photography, writing and art.I made a promise to myself to keep going and never stop; but I decided I’m going to write under a pen name and try to self-publish.  I’m becoming impatient with myself because I feel like I’m going nowhere. I decided on trying a new approach. Also good because there’s less pressure, and I won’t have to worry about pissing anyone off if they take parts of the book to heart. (Could happen) Seems legit to me. 

Lately I’ve been thinking of my real father as well, and if he even knows I’m alive or cares. I am now approximately 111 miles away from the city in Indiana where he is incarcerated. To be honest I don’t know if he has died or if his health is bad, since I found out about him a few years back. I DO know he will die in prison because he is serving consecutive terms so he’s easy to find. My mother has made me promise not go see my real father, but I’m 98% sure now that I have a half-sister; and I really more than anything just want to look him in the eye, and see what I see. There are parts of me that want to know my other parts, and parts of me that wonder why I care so much in the first place.

I don’t know where I come from. I never have.

I don’t think anyone close to me knows how important it is for me to find out, because I very rarely talk about it.

I could take all the tests, but still there would be pieces of me missing. It’s not the same. 

My heart and head do not match and sometimes it hurts and I struggle.

I continue to knock the idea around because I am an epic procrastinater, and I want to talk myself out of it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me


YEP.

There are certain things in life you will never forget.

Some things just won’t go away.

Doesn’t mean you have to dwell on them.

Tomorrow is another day.

Today is a day to make it count.

Don’t listen to those people that can’t or won’t get on board.

This is YOUR life. Live it.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of me

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About my PTSD

Deep rooted trauma has screwed me up.
It replays like a record and  sometimes takes up much of my day, even week; consuming all thoughts and sucking up any motivation I may have had to get anything done.

For me, from what I’ve been able to understand through the healing process, it is something that really will never go away; but I can manage it to the point where it no longer becomes a primary focus in my life.

I am no Dr. Firstly.

But I have been coping for some time now with multiple hard traumas; to the point that I had to make some hard decisions and try to start actively trying to get better, or I was going to lose anything Jenny I ever knew and that ever was me.

One of the biggest things I did, was to acknowledge that I could not change my past. It sounds so cliche` and obvious to most when you say that I know. The past is the past… it’s of course, obvious.

For someone like me who struggles with PTSD, it’s something I have to consciously tell myself; daily.

Sometimes we want so badly to change past events; that we punish ourselves in the process because we think replaying it will produce a different outcome; or perhaps a different way of making sense of what happened.  There’s always that one thing we could have done differently to change what the outcome ultimately was; even though it was already pretermined and it was going to go down the same way, no matter what. Some things you just cannot change, no matter what. I do know that now.

Regarding my son; he is gone and I can’t change that fact. I did everything I possibly could have done to save him. I did everything I possibly could have done.

I don’t know where Karter is; but I do know he’s not suffering anymore; and there’s nothing I could have done differenty to save him. I tried with everything that was me.

I still replay his last day and death in my head, every day; but I know now there’s nothing I could have done. The things I tell myself about it that make me think otherwise…aren’t true.

That realization in itself I think is one of the biggest break throughs I have made, in the past eight years.

For a while there, I was literally driving myself crazy playing that record.

That record finally got a huge scratch in it;  so I put it in it’s sleeve and put it in a special place where I can see it when I need to.

I still look at it too often; I can’t help it; but I’m trying to play other records now.

There’s other music to play.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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DAY 47. Confessions in clarity. Free writing.

It’s sometimes really hard to leave behind pieces of your life that you were comfortably familiar with and depended on for so long.  Even if they were mostly just lies you told yourself to keep yourself in the dark and safe, believing in a wish on a star; or if you’d just stop thinking about it hard enough, the situation would go away, or get better somehow.

Growth I’ve found is mostly painful, It really is; embarrassing sometimes too.  It’s a stark moment of realization, something you can no longer deny.  For me, it has usually been followed by regret and a sorrow that I can’t really even put into words no matter how much I try; but I will try to right now.

My biggest problem is that I’m stubborn; and I don’t like to admit defeat, or that I’m wrong; never have. Even if it is so apparent that it becomes a speeding train, on a train track straight off a cliff into the abyss; I’m going down with said train.

Another fun fact about me is that I am also a dreamer.  I know right?  Coupled together that equals= I am good at lying to myself; and in certain instances and situations, others around me as well.

I’ve done this pretty much my whole life.  It started out when I was small; and I used it as a way to protect myself against some things that were happening to me in my childhood that I could not control or makes sense of.  I put myself in another place; a protection of sorts; because I had to or I never would have survived, emotionally speaking. When you have an abusive or disfunctional childhood, such as myself, you will do just about anything to keep the peace in yourself; at any cost or circumstance.  Even if that means tricking yourself into thinking it’s love or that nothings wrong.  It becomes all about avoiding potentially harmful situations, and making life for yourself, as normal as is possible; despite what is actually happening around or to you; because you can’t get out of it.   At the time I had no other option.  I did what I had to do to get through it, because that’s the way I am made.

Lately, the more I’ve started to look back and reflect on my life; I’ve realized It has stuck with me, and I’ve carried this skill with me throughout my entire life; and I didn’t even consciously know it until just a bit back. Even when it was apparent to others. Sometimes it has even carried over into creating confusion and hurt for other people.  Otherwise known as “shady”; and that’s a hard pill to swallow, and not something that’s very cool to openly admit about yourself.

When you lie to yourself or avoid the obvious, you can pretty much justify anything to yourself,  if you try to hard enough.  You can hurt a lot of people too; and I have throughout my life, unfortunately; however unintentional I thought it was.  I think that’s why it’s so hard for some people to see me changing and growing in myself. They still see me as the person I was, and not the person I’ve grown and am growing to become.

I’m not a bad person.  I never have been.  At the core of me, I’m compassionate, kind and loving. I always have been these things.  But the other side of me can be very spiteful and vindictive, selfish and mean; mostly when in active addiction, or when I feel severely threatened by something or someone.  I don’t like this part of me at all; even though it has literally kept me alive.  It’s not something I really like to feed anymore. This is the main  reason I decided to change; and also to be so candid in my life experiences, and what makes me tick.  I’m hoping that I can somehow save someone from going down the road I have; because it’s been a very long, very hard, hard road to go down. I have walked it mostly in the shadows of my head alone; and have been extremely self-loathing for most of my adult life because of it.

Some people have called me a pathological liar as I’ve mentioned before. It was initially hurtful, I won’t lie.  It hurt because it is also completely false.

Yes, I have lied straight out before. I own it fully and outright. Right now.  I do not, however,  go around making up grandiose stupid things about myself to make myself look better; or lie so people will feel sorry for me and give me attention. I don’t continually talk about myself like no one else exists; nor do I not care how others feel.   So, with those facts established, I also don’t fall into the pathological liar category; thank you very much.

As I’ve also said before; I have gotten attention my entire life, Two-thirds of it has been negative. Some of it has been self- induced, very much so. MOST of it has been directly from other people trying to tell me how I am not good enough; how I should be, and what I am doing wrong to not meet their needs.  Please don’t be mistaken in these facts.

I have been in many situations throughout my life, that I’ve had to lie so I didn’t get my ass beat; OR lied because I’ve done something compulsive and I didn’t want to lose the something or someone, or cause any more damage to the person.  It wasn’t right; and I know it. This is why I started to tell the truth about everything.  This is why I am on medication. This is why I am in therapy. This is why I’m making a conscious effort to be thoughtful with my actions before I do act; and am growing in a positive way.  I am sorry if this offends some of you, or isn’t “good enough”.

I can’t take back the past. I also haven’t been a totally horrible person my whole life at all; and saying I have been, doesn’t make it true.

So, I am now building on the good parts of me I know to be there and true; because I want to do some good in the world for what it is worth; and get the respect back of my children, who matter most in this world to me.

I’m not a perfect person at all, I am just me, Jenny.

I will tell you though that I am trying to live my life in the most honest way I can now. You can’t carry around as much regret as I have and expect to change without getting real.  I knew that some time back; and I’m glad I finally started taking the steps to finally move forward, in a good way.

People DO change; especially when they want to.  If my past mistakes make me a bad person in your eyes, I really apologize; but it’s no longer my issue. I HAVE to move forward and forgive myself.

In my eyes now, I’m proud to be me. I’m glad I’m finally coming to a point in my life where I can leave all of the past BS, lies, and hurt behind; and move forward to a place where I can be happy and love myself for the person I have become and am still becoming.

Stay true; stay you; and never stop being the best version of yourself you can be.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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The Thoughts Flood Back to Me in Endless Waves

I can’t get the last look my son gave me, before he passed over, out of my head. I fell asleep; and he was gone shortly after; Like he waited or something.

I can’t get the image of them working on him and seeing his little legs jump up and down on the table as they beat his heart for him; and the pink come back into his legs, and the hope I felt that he was going to make it; and then the utter despair of him not, and the Dr. telling me “I’m sorry, but he’s gone and we have to call it”, out of my head.

Friday, October 3rd, 12:11 pm; it was surreal.  You might as well have put a shot gun up to my heart, and pulled the trigger.

I still dream this day; sometimes repeatedly like a broken record.  I take medication for the dreams now, when they get to be too much.  The alternative is drinking myself into a coma, which doesn’t work for anyone, and hasn’t.

I remember them wrapping him up in the blanket and handing him to me; and I held him.  I remember my husband and kids coming in; and my husband falling to his knees and sobbing like his world had been completely ripped apart.  They took my kids out of the room;  my daughter was very small, but my son knew what had happened.

All of our worlds’ were ripped apart that day.

We held him for almost eight hours before they told us, “They HAD to take him”.  They put him on a gourney, and placed a pretty quilt over him that had crosses on it. They were so very gentle and respectful with him.  They let us walk down to the hearse with him, where they drove him away to the funeral home.

My husband whispered something to him in his ear.  I kissed him; and then he was gone.

We drove home in virtual silence.

The next day I placed an urgent call, telling my physchiatrist on the message that he HAD to give me something, because I was not going to make it without.

The next days coming were not good.

Funny the things you remember when you look back and realize, just how much you’ve lost. A chronic drinking problem and pill habit, and PTSD, are the only things I gained.

They would ruin my life.

J. Rounds ©2013 ~Peaces of Me

Karter

Friendship and how I view it

I like to be nice because I am nice, really.  When I’m a bitch, I do it full on and epic like; I’m super good at it, because I have to be to not get walked all over.  It’s something I’ve kind of perfected.  I much prefer my nice side because it comes more naturally, and it’s nicer.  I’m sure others do as well.

Most of the people I surround myself with, get this about me and respect me for it.  Then there are the others that THINK they know me, but don’t at all, and overstep their bounds because they think they can.  It never ends well for them and then they end up doing an one eighty and showing their true colors, and their real reason for being around me in the first place.  Fall outs always happen like that.  I hate those; and sometimes it hurts because it’s always the people you never expect.

There’s a certain level of respect I give my friends because I genuinely care about them and love them.  I expect the same in return; and if I know you are blatantly disrespecting me to try to hurt me on purpose; I WILL call you on it.

It doesn’t take much to be kind to someone or to make a friend that could be life long.  It also doesn’t take much to lift someone up when they are hurting or feeling down.  What takes the most effort generally for most people, is respecting your friends when you don’t agree, and being civil but clear when you are disagreeing with them.  Sometimes it’s better not to say anything at all; and just accept that they have different views on certain things than you do.  That’s what a good friendship is.

At this point I am as genuine as I’m ever going to get.  I don’t hide or pretend about anything. When I’m nice to you it’s because I mean it. When I’m not nice, it means there’s a reason for it.   I’m respectful when I disagree, because It is my last intention to hurt you when I care about you. If you don’t agree with me, please be respectful if you are giving me your opinion; because I don’t allow people to talk down to me anymore, there’s no need for it.

To all my friends that care about me, I want you to know, that I care about you too.  I’m happy you’re in my life, I really am.  You are a great comfort and support system.  I hope I can always be the same for you. 🙂 I love you.

   As always, love yourself;  You are worth it.

J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Goof

Day 35 ~August 23, 2015

I don’t want my life to end up a series of “what ifs”.  It has been so far.  Truth.

I want to change that.

I think in order to change this, I really need to let go of the past and all of the things that have weighed me down because of it; and truly live in the moment; every moment, of every day.

The past is the past and I can’t change it.  I also can’t let the negativity that came from it, keep ruminating inside of me, even if it is only on occasion now; because it holds me back.  I need to bury it for good and forgive the people that hurt me, so I can move forward into bigger and better things.

I owe it to myself; and I’m going to live life on my terms from now on.

I know what I need to do to stay clean.  I know what I will and won’t allow, in terms of how people treat me.  I know the things I want to achieve in life, and I have a plan to get there.

These are three things I didn’t know last year.  I’ve grown so much; and I KNOW people can change if they really want to, and set their minds to it.

I said I’d live this year with no regrets; and I don’t have any that really stand out so far.

Life is looking up for me; and I feel very positive.

It’s about time.

J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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It’s not ME it’s YOU

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Too many people in the world worry about what others think, and end up taking it to heart.  I know.  I’ve literally done this, almost my entire life.  I’ve held my value in the palms of others’ hands; based my worth on what they said about me, and how I was.  For so long I did this; even if it wasn’t true at all what the person was saying. I would worry about it; let it affect many different things in my life.

I know I’m not the only one who’s done this.  Many, many people struggle with self-esteem.  It’s extremely easy to do, especially, in my opinion, for girls.  It’s even easier to do if you aren’t taught the right things about self-esteem growing up; which I feel is essential for a healthy childhood and life.  If you add in any kind of verbal, physical abuse, or over sexualization of a child, it will straight up mess them up inside, AND their entire way of thinking; another thing I unfortunately know about.  You have to re-learn your way of thinking, and that’s only if you even recognize the unhealthy cycle in the first place.

I have found that most people often go for the throat in their wrath and opinions of me; since my personal pictures were posted on Facebook for all the world to see; and I decided to go fully public with my selfie pictures, stories and struggles. I have gotten very many slanderous emails and comments about how people think I am as a person, and what they think I should do with my life.  I have literally never spoken with 90% of these people, on a personal level.

Untitled When I was growing up, The only two things I was ever praised for was my artistic ability, and the way I looked.  Those were my only two constants.  My father was a amateur photographer as well; always took pics of us. My grandmother used to give me her old dresses, wigs and makeup to dress up in, every summer I’d go there to visit.  My grandfathers’ nick name for me growing up was Cupie doll. I was told I should be a model by everyone in my family from a very, very young age, and got positive attention for my “prettiness”.  I don’t know any other way to say it. I don’t know what to do to change the things people say about me to make them not think these things about me; so I guess they are just going to have to go on and think it;  because it’s simply the truth; that’s what I was praised for growing up. Ask anyone in my family.  It formed my opinion of what I was supposed to be;  even though I didn’t even think I was anything special regarding looks, and still don’t.  I worried about it a lot; until it just became part of me, and who I am.

A lot of people get pissed off at me, form judgements and call me egocentric, narcissist, thirsty, train wreck, and worse.   Including my ex.  Now, I am used to it; I already know what people will say.  Anybody that tries to be themselves these days, always gets shot down by other people pointing out flaws and reasons why they are this and that, and could never make it in life. It seems because I finally decided to do something for myself; do what I had to do to get better, and am thriving for once in my life, and still take selfies; the ones that play God come out of the wood work and won’t leave me alone with their negative Bullshit.

June 045             June 024

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud…)

I have always been a girly girl. I have always been into clothes and fashion, makeup, hair; all of it.  Ask my Mother, sisters, friends from high school; they will all tell you as much. In fact,  when I used to get in trouble (for pretty much whatever), the very first thing my Step-father would do, is take away my makeup. From the eighth grade on, before social media was even a thing, I was taking selfies.  Point is I’ve always been like this; SO WHAT???

Yes;  I’ve struggled and had issues with my life and self-esteem in the past; still do sometimes; WHO DOESN’T OR HASN’T??? I grew up in a dysfunctional environment; had people give me shit and call me names my entire life; praised me for the wrong things; How can I apologize for that; and why should I???  I was lost in my life for a long time; I’ve been through many, many trials and tribulations in my life; YES I have. NOW, I am trying my hardest to be healthy and well and love myself for who I am; flaws and all; what is it your business to say anything about my life at all????

I don’t base my life on what other people say about me anymore; AT ALL. Because I know those people are only trying to bring me down, and keep me stuck in negative thoughts of the way I used to be and think. It’s within them if they are trying to make me feel bad for being me.

Just because I like to take selfies or pictures of myself doesn’t mean I’m narcissistic.  Just because I chose to move to Pennsylvania to get my life together doesn’t mean I don’t love my children.  Just because I’ve only been sober for 34 days since my last drink, doesn’t mean I’m a train wreck drunk.  Just because I struggle with mental health issues, doesn’t mean I don’t try on a daily basis, and I’ll never be well or amount to anything.  Anyone that truly knows me and has spoken to me directly, knows that’s not true at all;  And so,  your opinion is irrelevant.

My best advice to people who struggle with self-esteem is to give yourself a break and start finding the good qualities about yourself; and nurture those things instead; because you have them.  Bullies, or people in your life who try to make you feel bad; don’t listen to their nonsense at all; because that’s exactly what it is. You’re O.K. being you.  You don’t have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.  Your life is yours and no one elses;  and your story is unique and you deserve to live it according to YOU. You don’t have to be involved with people that want to judge and hurt you on purpose.  Set rules for yourself regarding how you allow yourself to be treated; and what you will and will not accept.  Follow through with those rules and never sway from them.  You WILL get better.

People that have something to say about my life; I’d suggest you take a look at your own.  Until you can say you’ve led the perfect one; I’d highly suggest you refrain from judging mine.  Not only do your opinions not matter to me; but you also show just what kind of person you truly are inside.  I don’t care what you have to say about me at all.  I’m going to do me and love myself regardless, because I’m awesome. 🙂  If you don’t like it you can GET BENT.  Clearer I cannot be about it.

As always, Love yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

MEOW~It’s not ME it’s YOU~

The sweetest release

I walk in the darkness of my mind and I hear you calling me from a distance.

There is a pool of water; red with blood seeping from my heart; the wound is gaping and fresh.

I am bound at the wrists and ankles; and a small child with the blondest of hair, kisses my forehead and tells me that I should not be afraid.

My eyes are heavy; and it is hard to breathe.

Your voice gets closer and I can see you now, off in the distance.

I am fading; fading away into a beautiful slumber; but there is no fear; and I am at peace.

I feel your kiss now on my lips. It is the kiss of death and beautiful in all its’ right.

I drift slowly into the darkness; and you are by my side;

whispering sweet dreams.

J. Rounds ©2014 ~Peaces of Me

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