Two years and twenty-three days on the sober front for me today.
It’s hard to miss being a drunk, so I don’t.
I did a road trip to Michigan last weekend.
I have decided to move back to Michigan at the end of July and went to Michigan this past weekend to talk it over with my mom and sisters. Of course, I also spent time with my children and niece and discussed it with them as well (kid-friendly version 🙂 ) It was my middle sister’s Birthday too.
Here’s where I’m at in my head……
The regretful thoughts on all the time I missed out on with them are there every time I see my family and children, not gonna’ lie. I also know to build anything of real value in the future between any of them, I must let that go and focus on the present.
It was more than fulfilling to have conversations with both my sisters and mother about letting those thoughts go, and it makes it easier to know that I am loved, even though I’ve done some of the most disgusting things in my life, and allowed myself to fall more times than I care to admit.
That didn’t work out so well.
We all fall, it’s how we get back up when we feel like we can’t that makes all the difference.
It is clear to me after this trip, that moving back is the right choice and the best option for my future. Now everyone that needs to know does, including where I work and my children.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared because I am for quite a few reasons, but I know that I could never be there for my kids or family in the capacity that I want to be if I’m over four hours away and it is hard for me to physically be there in the first place.
Now comes the details part, which is daunting, to say the least, but doable if I apply myself and just use my brain.
I’m sure I’ll have to do some sacrificing on something, so I’m breaking it down into a more manageable and realistic plan than I had originally envisioned it.
Make it work.
I’m definitely not afraid to try to build some sort of solid future for myself, and let’s face it; I’ve moved so many times I’ve lost count.
Really, if I had to boil it down…
I know that it is my fear of failing that is making me scared.
I am a perfectionist. I was around people growing up that had to have it a certain way. It is something that I struggle with and it does hold me back. STILL…
I am a perfectionist.
So for all intents and purposes, much of my sober life now has been about letting go of some of that perfectionism.
I’m older now, and definitely wiser by way of hard lessons and truths learned the hard way.
I realized that you can’t stop time. You can try, but you will fail.
Time heals. Time changes everything.
Time does not stop for anything or anyone.
It is best to realize that straight away and deal with life head-on.
The fear that used to keep me now is the very thing I use to drive me forward.
If I fail, at least I can say I tried. Better than not trying at all.
What better thing to fight for than a healthy relationship with my kids and family?
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I think it’ll make me a lot better too. Feel better. Do better. Be better.
It’s surely a win in all regards.
It’s a money thing now; also organizing that BS with my “no time to travel to Michigan to look for places to live” issue.
Make it work.
This is the plan.
I will miss Ohio because of the friends I’ve made and the bonds I’ve formed with the animals at work.
I can’t stop time.
Anything I can do in Ohio, I can do in Michigan.
Two years and twenty-three days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say that I could truthfully be a positive role model in my children lives.
Now I can.
It is not the same relationship anymore and I think that’s ok. It does and has the potential to be better than the one I had before, and that means it’s moving forward.
That means everything.
I’m so excited to have my family back in my life. I was so angry for so long, but mostly the person I was angry with was myself.
I never in my life, gave myself the credit for the good things in me; only the bad.
Today I’m loving the fact that the world seems “doable” for me. Even if I have to take it in peaces and parts and string it together.
Becoming sober again, actually feeling my feelings rather than suppressing them, and re-wiring some of my negative thought processes to healthier ones, has given me the realization that
I’m the one in the driver’s seat of my life; no one else.
I’m a good driver now because I’m mindful and truthful about my struggles.
My life means something to me now. That is the greatest gift of it.
Where will I go from here?
Where will YOU go?
Please stay strong in your heart. It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Most of all, remaining positive and mindful when you are not is key.
Things will change for the better.
You can believe it because I am living proof.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME