Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Never Let Me Down.

So, here’s the change in me. Every day it is new. Every day I am growing. It is a slow, but assured thing; that I am excited about.

I have boundaries. I have to. I like it that way. I’m happy I’m able to be free to be ME again. I’m NOT actively hurting now. I can be strong and keep healing.

It’s a good thing; like my boundaries.

I beat all the worst parts of myself into submission. I lined them up; and made them ALL accountable for their actions. I made peace with myself. Every, single quirk I have, and ever had, as well. I Let go of the fact that I spent so long screwing up my life….for whatever reasons they were. I vowed to never stoop to that level again.

Because what is this life for anyways? For ME; surely not to be an alcoholic, piece of shit mother, and person…which is what I was.

That is not my path. That was the path my sickness and mental disorder wanted me to take.

I am NOT my alcoholism; I am NOT the bad parts of my mental disorder. At the end of the day, I know right from wrong. At the end of the day, noone can save me from myself; but ME.

I KNEW I was better than THAT.

It was only THEN that I started to see my path appear. It was only then; that I wanted to LIVE…and started fighting to.

Be your own change for yourself. Start by not letting yourself down EVER again. That’s what I’m doing with the hard things in my life; and what I recommend for others trying to change their unhealthy ways and flaws. It takes daily practice in the beginning and you will fail. When you are used to chaos and self-sabotage; it takes daily decision making to keep yourself from doing stupid stuff. It is SO worth it to REALLY be accountable to yourself; and think things through before you fold. It emanates to every avenue of your life; and soon you’ll start to see…that the hard things you’ve been through in your life, and by yourself; can be dramatically less. You have choices about how you ARE. Start inspiring yourself to keep going no matter what.

Allow yourself the time and let go of things you can’t change. Make NEW memories always.

Let go; and let live.

I don’t know how I am still alive; or how I got to this place in my life; but I know for a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t anything but ok. You could totally tell that I was not ok; as my actions proved it… so. It didn’t get me anywhere.

I couldn’t be more grateful today; to finally feel like I am actually LIVING. I’m glad I stopped synthetics and alcohol. Every day. I removed negative things in my life because I have to now.

I’m single; but I’m really ok with that; and getting better on that fact daily. I’m focusing on personal goals. Staying sober, getting an apartment, work, my kids, travel, other family and true friends, being responsible, projects and goals I want to achieve; but over all of that… having fun doing all of it!!!

Alone is fine.

Today I am one year, two months, and 12 days sober.

I have accomplished many goals within this period of time; that in the beginning of this; I did not think I could achieve. Like staying sober.

That’s different for me now.

The more I live with honesty; the easier it becomes to know the way.

I’m not a Jesus Crispy at all; OR a perfect person by far. I just think that the only thing that really matters in something; is the intention behind it.

I’m tired of wasting time on things that don’t matter; like people that don’t appreciate me, and things that make me hurt. I know for a fact that life comes and goes in the blink of an eye, and I DON’T want to miss it.

Day off. Im still doing things.

I am living for today. 🙂

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And I Ran.

And then the day comes that you see the person you used to be…

And you run from her. 

You keep running until she stops running after you. 

You are conditioned for this.

You have conditioned yourself.

You run and you run, until finally…

You breathe a sigh of relief;

Because you know, you’ve won the race. 

Because you put the effort in

And ran.

She couldn’t keep up after the gun went off.

But you kept running.

Because you wanted to make sure you won. 

I am sober 9 months, 24 days.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME