Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Never Let Me Down.

So, here’s the change in me. Every day it is new. Every day I am growing. It is a slow, but assured thing; that I am excited about.

I have boundaries. I have to. I like it that way. I’m happy I’m able to be free to be ME again. I’m NOT actively hurting now. I can be strong and keep healing.

It’s a good thing; like my boundaries.

I beat all the worst parts of myself into submission. I lined them up; and made them ALL accountable for their actions. I made peace with myself. Every, single quirk I have, and ever had, as well. I Let go of the fact that I spent so long screwing up my life….for whatever reasons they were. I vowed to never stoop to that level again.

Because what is this life for anyways? For ME; surely not to be an alcoholic, piece of shit mother, and person…which is what I was.

That is not my path. That was the path my sickness and mental disorder wanted me to take.

I am NOT my alcoholism; I am NOT the bad parts of my mental disorder. At the end of the day, I know right from wrong. At the end of the day, noone can save me from myself; but ME.

I KNEW I was better than THAT.

It was only THEN that I started to see my path appear. It was only then; that I wanted to LIVE…and started fighting to.

Be your own change for yourself. Start by not letting yourself down EVER again. That’s what I’m doing with the hard things in my life; and what I recommend for others trying to change their unhealthy ways and flaws. It takes daily practice in the beginning and you will fail. When you are used to chaos and self-sabotage; it takes daily decision making to keep yourself from doing stupid stuff. It is SO worth it to REALLY be accountable to yourself; and think things through before you fold. It emanates to every avenue of your life; and soon you’ll start to see…that the hard things you’ve been through in your life, and by yourself; can be dramatically less. You have choices about how you ARE. Start inspiring yourself to keep going no matter what.

Allow yourself the time and let go of things you can’t change. Make NEW memories always.

Let go; and let live.

I don’t know how I am still alive; or how I got to this place in my life; but I know for a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t anything but ok. You could totally tell that I was not ok; as my actions proved it… so. It didn’t get me anywhere.

I couldn’t be more grateful today; to finally feel like I am actually LIVING. I’m glad I stopped synthetics and alcohol. Every day. I removed negative things in my life because I have to now.

I’m single; but I’m really ok with that; and getting better on that fact daily. I’m focusing on personal goals. Staying sober, getting an apartment, work, my kids, travel, other family and true friends, being responsible, projects and goals I want to achieve; but over all of that… having fun doing all of it!!!

Alone is fine.

Today I am one year, two months, and 12 days sober.

I have accomplished many goals within this period of time; that in the beginning of this; I did not think I could achieve. Like staying sober.

That’s different for me now.

The more I live with honesty; the easier it becomes to know the way.

I’m not a Jesus Crispy at all; OR a perfect person by far. I just think that the only thing that really matters in something; is the intention behind it.

I’m tired of wasting time on things that don’t matter; like people that don’t appreciate me, and things that make me hurt. I know for a fact that life comes and goes in the blink of an eye, and I DON’T want to miss it.

Day off. Im still doing things.

I am living for today. 🙂

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What is Your Truth?

There is no point to say things out loud to someone, that you never intend on truly doing, or following through with.

I’ll tell you straight up; that there is no point in that at all.

It stands to reason that eventually the person you’re telling it to; learns that your actions don’t match your words; there’s a reason behind it; and it’s generally never a good one.

So why say it?

The point is: it’s only getting you NOWHERE….quick. Words are just words, without the actions behind them.

I’m finding that most people don’t get this concept at all… which is why I probably always talk about it.

In fact; I sometimes wonder what the point of trying to be a decent person even is; when so much of the rest of the world and the people in it; seem to act like it’s a curse to do the right thing, and to give an actual shit about other people and things.

It almost makes me boring…right?

But….I know that the reason I try so hard to be a positive force in this world now; is because I don’t base my actions on what other people think about me anymore. It’s also because for so long, I was like every other selfish asshole; who only thought about myself; what suited me, and what I could get…even though I knew I was most likely hurting others in the process.

I found out the hard way, that that is not a way to be.

It DOES matter.

You can’t have anything REAL or tangible; or a life that means something; when you are constantly taking and not giving back anything in return.

All you get is a steady, revolving door of people walking away from you.

I know.

That wasn’t something about myself, that I could live with anymore; or was proud of doing, or being like.

I got tired of feeling empty inside; and so I changed.

What does it matter?

It matters because the people I love matter. It matters because it makes me a better person inside; to treat others the way I want to be treated.

It matters because my life is better because of the fact that I changed my outlook on everything.

Who wouldn’t want that for themselves?

I am not always successful…don’t get me wrong.

But I do always strive to make my words match my actions now…which is something I never used to even worry about. I don’t think living truthfully is anything but a good thing.

I wish more people, would do the same; I really do. The world would be a much better place….and there would be less hurt in it.

Truth, and your actions mean everything in life. Without both; it simply isn’t real…and means nothing but the story you’re spinning.

I am 1 year, 6 days sober; and I don’t regret changing at all. That is something I can be grateful for…and I am every day I wake up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Audio thoughts: Ask yourself the hard questions. Change your life.

I decided that it was time, to start sharing personal audio clips of the things I’ve asked myself, regarding change and life in general.

Sometimes I think people have pre-conceived notions of words on paper, and who I am.

It is much different to know a person in real life…and hear their spoken story or thought, as to read it.

I keep these thoughts on my devices; and I play them back when I feel the need to….

It helps me remember that I can be my own worst enemy….OR my own best friend.

I recorded this audio just this morning, after considering why it was worth it to change…and after a wonderful morning of healing that needed to happen for me and my journey forward to happiness.

I don’t know where this will lead; or how it will be taken.

But people ask me sometimes how I got it together.

I started to look at who I was; and didn’t like what I saw. (audio link)

My answer: I don’t have it all together; because it’s a journey to a higher place I’m not at yet; but I actively participate in my healing and success now. Asking myself relevant things. Looking inward, instead of out. Living every day to change my life in ways it needs to be changed. Changing it, one step at a time, day by day.

That’s all I can do for myself, and the people I love in this world. They deserve the best version of me, at all times.

So do I.

Asking yourself the hard questions of life, and answering them genuinely is the first step to changing.

I am 10 months, 1 day sober.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME