Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Got Some Really Bad News today…

I just have so much pain in my heart right now, for so many things.

It aches and feels like it’s never going to be ok.

I think of all the things I could have done differently and the bad choices I’ve made in my past.

I’m suffering the repercussions of some of those bad choices now. But this time, it couldn’t get any worse. My kids are gone now for good. I hate myself right now more than anything.

My heart is torn in a million pieces, and I’m all alone. I don’t care what anyone says; Hell is right here on Earth and I live in it every single day.

The last time I have been this devestated was when my son passed. It’s the same exact feeling.

Now, I have literally nothing to live for, and I don’t know what to do.

I do know I’m not giving up. Because giving up never got me anywhere.

I’m also not going to drink even though I really want to right now. Because I know that’d kill me even more.

Please say a good thought for Jenni (me) if you would please, I’d really appreciate it.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but there’s no other option. Day by day I guess.

I will remember to Love myself this time. As always, I hope you will too.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me.

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Another Good Day for the Jenster.

School is caught up! Doing the software switch over today for this new computer.

Have to come up with a better filing system this time. I have over 86,000 pictures on this one, and with the high resolutions from my class, I’m really surprised this one is still even running. It’s so trashed and unorganized.

So software and Mass Effect today.

It feels good to actually be making progress. Even if it’s slower than everyone elses. I do what I want. Hahaha!

I’m having another good day. And I feel free.

Also, I’m SO glad I don’t have school today!!

Will write more later.

Enjoy your day and Love Yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2026 ~Peaces of me

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