Look

When people look at you like you don’t matter

Know that you do

You are strong

You are brave

You are loved

You are worthy of the love

Love yourself

You have to or you won’t survive

You are not a quitter

They just want you to be

Don’t look back and don’t give in

Only you can forge your path

You know there is light in the darkness if you look for it

LOOK

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Hard love yourself into changing your negative Nancy ways… because she’s a bitch.

Every day that I chose to live in my own pain and addictions, I could not feel or see anybody else’s pain, or care about anyone else properly, because I was too busy feeling and living in my own negativity, and feeding off of it.

This didn’t work for me at all, when it came to being a good mother or wife or daughter or sister or aunt or cousin or niece or friend or Jenni; I was quite the opposite of a good anything; because I was zeroed in on the fact that my life sucked, and the negativity I chose to live in was consuming me, and everyone that chose to come around me.

FINALLY; as a desperate measure; I considered focusing my thoughts on what was going right in my life for a change, instead of what was going wrong. I was tired of being sick and tired and miserable. I was tired of raging and feeling like I wanted to beat the shit out of someone every, single day. I was tired of the drama in my life, the unneeded stress of it all…the BULLSHIT.

I wanted it to stop, so I advocated for my own life.

Honestly, on a lot of days at the beginning of my journey to self-wellness, it felt much like it did after my son passed, and those first few days afterward. I was hopeless.

It felt like the only thing I had going on for me was breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t do one more thing other than that, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t even want to do that.

I won’t lie, sometimes I still have days like that. They are much fewer and far between now, but they are still there.

Mental health struggles are real, and often come in ebbs and flows for me.

It is in these times, that I challenge myself to look a little bit further and to be mindful of the fact that I need to change my attitude or it won’t be getting any better for me.

I am patient but firm with myself today because I know that not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows, and I also know that I am what I focus on.

What are you focusing on? Does it improve the quality of your life? Will it matter at the end of this day, in a week, in a month, in a year?

If the answer is no, then let the focus of it go, because it is wasting your time right now.

These are the tools you can teach yourself to do, and you don’t need a formal anything to learn them. You only need the desire to change and to get real with yourself and your situation now, and how you want it to be for you in the future.

Yes, it takes mindful practice to be positive when you don’t feel it inside; but it gets easier to look up, the more you look up. If the desire is there, you can change anything about your life that you want to. Especially your thought processes.

Choose to think glass half-full, instead of half-empty. You can do it.

When you look for the good in things, you won’t have the time to focus on the bad things and that’s when things will start to change in your life. That’s when hope comes back. That’s when you start thinking about the things you can do to make your life better. You start realizing that it was all in you from the beginning. Every. Single. Part.

Healing is a choice you make to become more peaceful.

It’s not possible to negative Nancy your way into a good life, no matter how hard you try to. I’ve tried that shit forever, don’t waste your life on it.

Expecting others to fix your life and put up with your negative Nancy in the process doesn’t work either, trust me. It’s also not fair to expect someone else to save you or run your life.

That’s not living. That’s existing.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR OWN LIFE IF YOU WANT IT TO CHANGE.

This I know.

People ask me all the time, how I stopped drinking and trainwrecking my way through life, and this was the first thing I did.

I CHOSE to look at the positive side of life when I was not feeling positive. It’s because I wanted to feel better and live; not feel worse and die.

Only reason.

It’s impossible to make your life better if you don’t channel yourself away from the negativity in it. Your negative Nancy is a bitch, and she always will be. Get her out of your life. Shut her up by changing what you tell yourself, and what you focus on.

Most of the negativity in my life now comes from my own brain, not my actual life.

I had to do some major work to get to this point that I’m at now. There’s still work to do, and I do it every day now because I know that it’s a better way than the old way I lived. My negative Nancy is a passer-by now, not a resident.

For me, focusing on the positive, and learning to make peace with the fact that I am not a perfect person, motivated me to want to become a better person, and also gave me the love and validation I needed to give myself to move forward.

You still deserve your best life ever, no matter what anyone else says about it, and no matter where you are at in your life.

What do you say about your own life now? What do you want your future life to be like? Do you want to move forward, and stop worrying so much?

You can.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Long Story Long

~Long Story Long~

As told by Jenni, because I was here and lived this life.

Most people say that I am intense.

I’m good with that.

What you should know about changing your life for the better is that it will not be easy.

Because it’s not.

Doable? Totally.

Easy? NO.

You have to want to change. Not just say it. But mean it and then DO it.

If you really think I wouldn’t want to be able to drink “normally” with everyone else at wherever you’d be kidding yourself. It’d be easier to be “normal” in theory, right?

But here’s the thing.

I don’t fit the “normal” by a long shot.

I never have. I know this.

Especially with certain things.

I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 13 years old. It was a crutch that kept me sick for the majority of my life.

That’s why I don’t drink anymore. It’s also why I don’t like synthetic medications.

It kills me, and then I want to kill myself. That’s what it breaks down to for me.

I’ve had too many things lost to it. Things I never thought that I would lose. People….Time…money….jobs….parts of my soul…ALL LOST.

I want to live.

To be honest I’m sure your idea of “normal” and my idea of normal would probably differ on various accounts, and maybe drastically.

I’m good with that too.

Ok…it’s leading into something.

My point is, there will always be (in my life, in everyone’s life), the people that will say, “but she did this and she did that”. They will watch everything you do because they can’t. NOT. watch.

For different reasons, could be totally valid or not, they will judge you.

They will never respect you.

No matter what you do, who you help, how far you go in life.

It is not worth your effort to let these people take up any time in your head AT ALL.

If you want to make a genuine change you cannot think about these people’s opinions.

Especially in recovery.

People that cannot move forward with you, you have to leave behind.

In whatever form that looks like, for you personally.

They will catch up, or not. A lot of not.

You can’t worry about it.

Some people want to see you fail, not succeed.

It makes them feel better about themselves in some way.

You can’t be around people that don’t want to see you move forward in life.

That is toxic to your life.

It took me the better part of a lifetime to stop this cycle, and realize it for real.

To build better cycles, you have to build them yourself.

That means you have to actually build them.

Change is hard.

It gets easier too.

But you can only move forward with people that want to move forward with YOU.

Not everybody in life is going to like you.

It’s O.K.

You don’t like everyone, nor do I. It is the intent of a person that you always have to gauge and remember. Always.

I’m trying to be more kind. A better human. I like myself now. I like that I am me. It never used to be that way for me at all. For as long as I could remember.

I still have things that I struggle with inside. We all do.

Now, I personally think with my brain and then my heart.

I think it’s smart.

It used to be the reverse but I got burned WAY too many times to count. I burned myself mostly.

This is MY story.

Yours is YOURS.

You dig?

Love yourself. Even if it hurts sometimes. It gets easier and it is worth the effort.

It becomes a way of life you can live. You build support of people who are healthy for your life. It becomes easier to walk away from negativity.

You rewire your own thinking really.

Less anxiety about life, more living life instead of hating it.

I’m living this change.

I don’t know. But I do. I don’t have a Doctors degree, I have a life of lessons learned the hard way.

I am trying to be the friend I never had growing up.

For me. For you.

I’m good with that too.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s your Birthday… Don’t party like it’s your Birthday.

Yeah, if I partied like it was my Birthday…it wouldn’t be good for ANYTHING in my life.

NO.

I am sober. This is the first thing I can celebrate today.

All things start and end with this.

Cheesy I know, but seriously.

I’m going to see my two youngest children this weekend.

So that is another gift.

I’m 47 today.

What?

How am I supposed to answer this question? It seems surreal at best.

I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out together.

I intend to live with more purpose this year.

Build a brand.

Make enough money supporting myself off of doing things that come naturally to me. Like art, writing, sewing, crafting, furniture, making clothes, photography, inspiring people to inspire themselves to live, instead of living to die slowly every day in despair. Work my other job at the kennel as well.

I will make wiser choices from now on about my time management and money.

Well, that’s my goal.

I need to fix my credit.

I need to make more money to do that.

I have to work another job on top of the one I have, because I have immediate bills and fair credit.

Why not do what I’m good at?

I don’t want to work a second job for someone else. I already have a job like that.

I know that I have to stay positive and motivated every day.

I feel as though I almost always am at this point.

I can see the silver linings in life so much easier now.

I know my money situation will work itself out.

I just need to keep working for it, and take a chance on ME.

I used to say that I just needed a ” break”.

Now I know that I make my own choices, and those choices directly affect my future.

I have to do the work to get anywhere. Even if it’s slow going.

It’s my passion to live my truth and do a job that inspires me.

I have to choose wisely what I do with my time, or I won’t meet the goals I want to meet.

I’m not stopping until I get somewhere.

This year is going to be a productive one for me, and I am full of hope.

That is what 47 is bringing to me.

A whole lot of focusing on moving forward, and not focusing on looking back.

I do not feel 47 at all; and I’m rolling with that fact.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Journey.

Moving forward isn’t about everything going completely smooth and according to plan. 

It’s about the everyday choices you make for yourself; and remembering what’s important in life…doing what you have to do, to nurture those ideas.

Doing positive things in any capacity, is better than not. It’s not about the scale of the act; but the act itself.

Even when it’s hard, there’s a certain calm in me now, that I am grateful for.

I know it is about the journey…

And this is mine.

For once I am not afraid…and that comforts me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME