I feel as close to “normal” today, as I’ve probably ever felt since I’ve been in Ohio.
I’m gonna’ take that, Alllll day; thank you.
As you’ve maybe read; I had been riding the emotional wave lately, for a good bit… for many valid reasons.
When I decided to come here to Ohio, it was because I didn’t see the point of staying in PA, when I knew I wanted to be with T. There was nothing keeping me at all where I was.
What I didn’t really expect, is how hard it would actually be. The idea of a life together and the reality of living life together…has been…two totally different things.
It has been major work, and lots of stress. SO many good times…but also lots of shit. A lot has happened in a rather short period of time.
I left everything I had aquired, besides my personals and cats; I moved into T’s house; I detoxed from all my synthetic meds; we became sober, and still work to stay that way daily; a lot of things and people have been put where they belong because they aren’t healthy outlets to have around, and don’t care at all about our actual well-being; a lot of uncertainties about major things have come up…
There is more work to do; and I’m sure at points, more stress to come as well.
We both struggle with fear of failure, and lives that have been pretty messed up…addictions, bipolar, childhoods that have been traumatic, stupid shit we’ve done to ourselves and each other….yadda,yadda.
Yeah, in theory the thought was WAY easier than what the actual reality has been.
I realized last night, that the “honeymoon” is over; and after talking last night with T, I saw our relationship for what it was…
When I think about where I would be if I hadn’t of come here, I think it comes down to me living vs. not living.
In PA, I wasn’t really living.
I was just finally falling into the fact that I would always be on the system in some way, and always on some form of synthetic medication to cope with myself. I was in therapy with a therapist that did absolutely nothing for me but keep me in meds., and push me towards taking more. Then she quit, and I had to face the option, of starting over again; and staying in the same useless cycle of “pseudo safe”. I began relapsing; more than I wanted to admit. I was having horrible side effects and health issues from the meds I was on, and I was scared for my physical health in the future. I was dealing with an abusive, online relationship that I could not seem to end.
I didn’t think I’d ever find it in me, to open up to anyone really; let alone a male; ever again. One day I just decided that if I ever wanted a relationship again, and the kind of relationship I wanted…I would simply have to.
I did prefer to be alone most times, but I didn’t want to be alone forever….because I knew I had love to give; and wanted to give it to someone special; I wanted to “live” like that again.
One day I posted something really depressing about myself on Facebook…
I have over 550 “friends”, and over 850 people following every single move I make on there…
T was the only one to message me, to see if I was alright, and if I wanted to talk. I needed someone, and he was the only one that cared enough to care; and that’s “T”, in a nutshell.
I love him more than I could express.
We talked for hours and hours that night (I mostly talked, and he listened) and that was the beginning of “us”, and our friendship that grew into a life together.
We have told each other the darkest parts of ourselves; and in doing so, over this past year and a half or so of knowing him; we’ve grown together in a way, that I know not either one of us expected.
At times I know it was a choice for both of us to stay in, and keep trying…because we both can be total assholes when we don’t actively try to control ourselves. We found that out quick, and we don’t go there anymore.
I am SO proud of him, and the both of us; for staying sober like we have. I know without each other, we wouldn’t have chose to do it. We care about each other too much, to let each other live in that demon-filled place in our heads anymore, and for that I will always be grateful.
I know that he is there for me; and I know he knows I’m there for him too.
You can’t give something like that up, because it was more work than you’d thought it would be.
THIS IS LIFE….NOT FACEBOOK.
It’s a concious choice to keep growing together, and moving forward together at this point.
I don’t think it will end, and I don’t want it to.
I always wonder why things work the way they work, but I know that I wasn’t looking for anything at all…. and then T came into my life…and I came into his.
We found each other when we were supposed to, I think.
I believe that true, open communication is the only thing that could ever keep a relationship strong and healthy.
So for as hard as it has been; we have always, always been able to communicate. Sometimes it can be tricky at first; but it always comes; and I’ve never been able to do that in a healthy way, in any other relationship that I’ve ever had.
I always hid myself in some way, because I didn’t think anybody could ever truly care about me, as a person, like that.
He makes me feel alive, and encourages me to just be who I am. Everybody else has tried to shove me in a box that I have no way of fitting, because I’m not made to be kept in boxes.
He’s not afraid of my strengths, and doesn’t judge my weaknesses, because he’s been there too; and we both have both in us.
He’s simply the best thing in my life…and pushes me to be better.
I feel better because I know that as long as we keep trying together and communicating, we’re going to keep growing together, and becoming better people together; and in ourselves as well.
We push each other to become better people. I can’t see that being NOT worth it.
It IS worth it.
To me, all of this, has been worth it. Like I said it just clicked for me last night; I was thinking about it in a totally different way, than I should have been.
I decided to add up all the positives, instead of the negatives…and that’s made all the difference.
It’s just good to feel good again about “us”; because I was unsure about a lot of things, and now I’m not. I also always promised myself, that I would never let our relationship get, to the point where it could not be fixed.
We were friends first, and he is my bestist…he means too much to me to lose him.
I’m pretty sure he feels the same.
I know, that I still have a lot of work to do on letting go of some things that bother me inside. I also know that everything T and I have gone through in these last months…proves that we can indeed get through just about anything if we put our minds to it.
WE HAVE. We WILL.
I need to do my part too.
I’m glad I started remembering that again.
There was a comment on my last blog, about how “love was “work”, but it was the best kind of work to do.”
I agree. The feeling I get, every time I see this man smile, makes me want to always be there for him, with him,…and never let him down, ever.
I am blessed to have him in my life, and without him I know it’d never be the kind of life, that I’d want it to be.
Truth and Communication is everything; so is being happy and healthy in the life you lead.
Every day I am alive, I will fight for that; for my children; and for him.
This I know for sure. It’s the only thing that matters to me now.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME