I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Freedom on a Friday.

I live for moments of revelation, motivation, strength, and peace.

This has been a productive Friday for me so far, consisting of these moments…And it’s not over yet.

Supplies are on the list for tomorrow for some new projects I want to create; also researching some sites for future shoots. I have a lot of work to do and I’m excited. I think this new Etsy store will be a great outlet for me, And put me on my way to where I want to be creative-wise; open me up a bit; maybe float me a little cash to pay a few bills.


I’ve made peace with some demons as well today, and bolted closed a door I should have, a long time ago. (although the key hole does remain)


Funny how things come sometimes; this wave of calm and clarity actually hit me when I was surfing Instagram this morning, of all places. 


I decided that the self-doubt I’ve been  struggling with, is getting to the end of it’s run. I’m not interested in negativity and doubting myself anymore. I’m not interested in wasting my life going nowhere anymore.


It can only make me happy to be happy, because that’s what being happy is about.


I can’t spend my time worrying about fitting a certain outline anymore, because I don’t fit one and I know it. I’m good with that finally. I’m just going to do my thing. 🙂 It’s only important if I’m happy in my life, and moving positively through it in the most constructive way possible for myself and the people I care about.

Certainly not putting this effort into things and people that keep me stuck in my head and uncertain any longer, ever again. I’m done with that; because I’m tired of doubting. I’m tired of doubting myself.

Enter clarity. Enter answers. Enter strength.

I’m not selfish for loving myself, every part of me, for who I am.  That’s not anything but good, if I want to feel fulfilled and happy in MYSELF. Because really, this is MY life, not anybody else’s ,and I decided that I’m not so bad. 

Even though I know I will still have some shit days, and I know there will be challenges (reality), I’m getting off of my pity party as a whole, so I can move to the next phase of my life.

I feel good about myself as a person today, and that’s enough to keep me going until I get to tomorrow.

RIDE OR DIE.

Today I finally feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone, but myself, and that’s really freeing. I know I can only grow stronger with this mindset.

I’m excited to see what I can achieve with the new outlook And some solid effort.

I know for sure the journey into uncharted waters is about to begin again, and I intend to embrace and enjoy it THIS leg, every step of the way. 


Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Re-reading Past Writings

Something I decided to share because I’m healing.  I’ve been going over a lot of my writings from past years. So much dark and hurt and heavy. It’s hard to read. I believe if I didn’t have my writing I would have slit my throat, overdosed, or hung myself. I know I would have. Grief can kill you if you don’t get a handle on it. For me, that’s what I had to do. I still have bad times of course, but mostly life is slowly starting to even out. Opting out is no longer an option for me; and I’m able to recover more quickly from my “moments”. (Usually) Medication helps.

Sometimes you come across certain things, that I believe you’re supposed to see for a reason. I have battled with myself and my faith since I learned what “God” was, or what they said he was supposed to be.

This is one of my many letters to “God”.

Not sure what it means that I saw this. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps it’s to remind me of how far I’ve come…or where I need to go.

I’m not really sure how it works.

??
What about me?
What about how I hurt inside?

Isn’t it enough to know I struggle everyday? Isn’t THAT enough for you???

What about my feelings? My weaknesses? My triggers? My little boy, burned up and sitting in a box, on a shelf, that YOU took away?

Doesn’t it matter that I want to be well and become better and forget?

Doesn’t any of it matter at all?

It matters to me.

And I don’t even know what this life means anymore.

You abandoned me when I needed you the most.

I don’t believe you exist or ever did.      (2010)

I think it is a very normal feeling to struggle with your faith after you’ve been through something that will forever change you and leaves a massive void.

I’m not going to go on about “God”, or lack there of. I think religion is a personal journey; much like life.

This just made me remember and cry. I remember those times. It was still fresh, and the feelings bit at me every waking moment.

It has been a very long, very hard 8 years. I still ask all of those questions on a bad day.

I needed to see this. I needed to remember; and I needed to share it. That that was then, and this is NOW.

Now is so much better. I also know the answers to most of those questions too.

Believe in and love yourself. It lies within you. The rest follows.

I am grateful for my life.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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T-minus 5 days, until day of 45th birth.

So since I have decided to drop all the drama around me and start getting completely honest
about my life, and what I need; I feel a lot calmer and have more clarity.

A lot of things were not as they seemed to me, because I was unmedicated, suffering, and I let people close to me, that had no business being there.

I almost lost my future happiness because of it.

Not happening. I went on a massive purge.

Tomorrow I have a full day *of further purging, and a shoot I have to do for school.

Exhale. Whew.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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