Long Story Long

~Long Story Long~

As told by Jenni, because I was here and lived this life.

Most people say that I am intense.

I’m good with that.

What you should know about changing your life for the better is that it will not be easy.

Because it’s not.

Doable? Totally.

Easy? NO.

You have to want to change. Not just say it. But mean it and then DO it.

If you really think I wouldn’t want to be able to drink “normally” with everyone else at wherever you’d be kidding yourself. It’d be easier to be “normal” in theory, right?

But here’s the thing.

I don’t fit the “normal” by a long shot.

I never have. I know this.

Especially with certain things.

I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 13 years old. It was a crutch that kept me sick for the majority of my life.

That’s why I don’t drink anymore. It’s also why I don’t like synthetic medications.

It kills me, and then I want to kill myself. That’s what it breaks down to for me.

I’ve had too many things lost to it. Things I never thought that I would lose. People….Time…money….jobs….parts of my soul…ALL LOST.

I want to live.

To be honest I’m sure your idea of “normal” and my idea of normal would probably differ on various accounts, and maybe drastically.

I’m good with that too.

Ok…it’s leading into something.

My point is, there will always be (in my life, in everyone’s life), the people that will say, “but she did this and she did that”. They will watch everything you do because they can’t. NOT. watch.

For different reasons, could be totally valid or not, they will judge you.

They will never respect you.

No matter what you do, who you help, how far you go in life.

It is not worth your effort to let these people take up any time in your head AT ALL.

If you want to make a genuine change you cannot think about these people’s opinions.

Especially in recovery.

People that cannot move forward with you, you have to leave behind.

In whatever form that looks like, for you personally.

They will catch up, or not. A lot of not.

You can’t worry about it.

Some people want to see you fail, not succeed.

It makes them feel better about themselves in some way.

You can’t be around people that don’t want to see you move forward in life.

That is toxic to your life.

It took me the better part of a lifetime to stop this cycle, and realize it for real.

To build better cycles, you have to build them yourself.

That means you have to actually build them.

Change is hard.

It gets easier too.

But you can only move forward with people that want to move forward with YOU.

Not everybody in life is going to like you.

It’s O.K.

You don’t like everyone, nor do I. It is the intent of a person that you always have to gauge and remember. Always.

I’m trying to be more kind. A better human. I like myself now. I like that I am me. It never used to be that way for me at all. For as long as I could remember.

I still have things that I struggle with inside. We all do.

Now, I personally think with my brain and then my heart.

I think it’s smart.

It used to be the reverse but I got burned WAY too many times to count. I burned myself mostly.

This is MY story.

Yours is YOURS.

You dig?

Love yourself. Even if it hurts sometimes. It gets easier and it is worth the effort.

It becomes a way of life you can live. You build support of people who are healthy for your life. It becomes easier to walk away from negativity.

You rewire your own thinking really.

Less anxiety about life, more living life instead of hating it.

I’m living this change.

I don’t know. But I do. I don’t have a Doctors degree, I have a life of lessons learned the hard way.

I am trying to be the friend I never had growing up.

For me. For you.

I’m good with that too.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Some Rhetorical Bullshit

Isn’t life about being fucking happy? It is; and I intend to be just that. I’m sick of it.

I struggled to name this entry because basically, it’s just some stuff I figured out.

Some changes are coming for me. Again. I can feel it. I know because it is the same feeling every time whenever I learn more about myself, or someone else, and can start to make proper decisions again. I do a lot of internalizing and I feel stuck a lot. I’m trying to do the right thing, be a better person; but I’m broken, proud, stubborn, and very unfortunately have my real father in me. I struggle frequently to get to the answers of my life. Some people like to play on that fact as well.

Basically at this point in my life  I’m opening up my wounds one by one, and cleaning them out properly before I lose a limb or my future happiness.

What would you do to be happy?

I want to live and be a good person and help people. Love my children and the man I love, and take care of them in whatever way I can; and my cat Poe too.  I want to have a simple, sweet life with a couple of best sellers and something going on with my photography, and a garden atrium. Travel sometimes. I’d be very happy with that; that’s my happy.

I have to make the sacrafices and changes to have that. I have to get people away from me that are directly trying to hurt me too. Which is really my point. It’s going to be hard. The more I learn about people and their psyches, the more I learn how people really are; including myself. Sometimes it’s beautiful. But more for me it is mostly terrifying, and at the same time sad.

It is hard to look into yourself and try to fix you. Most don’t even know they have a problem. I know I do. When you admit it openly people point fingers.

People will pose as friends, but a lot in reality just like to watch you struggle, because it makes them feel better about themselves somehow.  They think you don’t know, but you do. And for me if I don’t I always figure it out. Usually too late. After damage is done and I’ve hurt myself again by trusting; THE WRONG PEOPLE.

I HATE TO FLIP YOUR FLAP JACKS HATERS; BUT THOSE CHANGES ARE STARTING TO COME FOR ME.

So I don’t know what you’re all going to do.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image