Well I had this long blog I wrote on Monday about last weekend, and how it was good for me; but somehow after I published it, it magically dissappeared. I probably did something, but who really knows what that was. So basically I had a good weekend. I’m much happier clear-headed. 🙂
Today is day 19 in my sober world…Again. One always hopes that this will be the last go ’round with the demon, and the last round of counting. One would hope; I hope. I guess I have to go with that and believe it, because it’s the only option I have today that’s sane and smart. Treat my disease…and keep the demon in it’s place. Either that or face certain doom. Eventually it will become second nature again, and I will stop talking about it so much. Right now I think it is essential that I do, because it is what’s keeping me sober.
Something kind of strange I’ve found for myself too…
It’s not difficult to not drink, if I just don’t drink. I don’t much think about it. After it has been out of my system for a bit…I don’t crave it like you would think I would, because the very thought of it, actually makes me sick. I’m so grateful for this fact. I know it’s maybe a weird thing to be grateful for, but I certainly am. Lord knows I’ve had enough hangovers to last well into eternity…Now? NOPE, I’ll pass…thank you very much. Just remembering the misery is enough to stop me today…and that’s enough for TODAY.
I do have to admit that I still get slightly triggered though, when I see the huge “Alcohol” sign, on the storeside down the road I used to go to…but that’s pretty much it. I just tell myself that I can’t get away from the world and how it is; and I know it. Instead I suck it up…because I’m the one with the drinking problem after all; I know where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come, as well; so i just won’t go to the store. 💡💡 I mean, that’s saying something that I know this finally, right? Pretty cut and dry. It only took me 45 years to figure this no -brainer out…and actually implement the practice. (I’m so rolling my eyes right now, geez)
No, the only time I really have an issue with drinking, is AFTER that first drink; if that makes sense. Don’t drink= no major issues. Drink=won’t stop.
*Tells me I have to make sure I never get to the point that I want to drink again (answer to it all), and that it is MY choice, no one else’s. It always was.*
I have to say though, that I feel so much better off of the synthetic meds. I really think that was a smart choice for me. It only stands to reason that staying away from alcohol would make my stability even better, and it’s proving to be so. I have never been without one or the other. I was always on some sort of anti-psychotic/anti-depressant/pill or drinking, or both.
I’m strictly herbal now, and my anxiety is about 1/3 of what it was. Best choice I’ve made in a while. I’m also taking vitamins/supplements and exercising. It feels kind of lame to know I could have been doing this my entire life, but I guess my story just doesn’t match anything other than what it is…and so I embrace the fact that I’m actually doing it today.
One thing I do know about addiction is that you cannot reach an addict, until they want to be reached. You just can’t because it’s a disease of the brain, firstly. You also have to nurture the pieces that are broken in you, that caused you drink in the first place; and accept and make peace with them as best you can, so you can free yourself from the cycle…because that’s what it is. I couldn’t deal, because I wouldn’t stop hurting myself. You can’t make a change at all, if you don’t change what you are doing.
I hope someone that comes across this blog, will learn from my mistakes, and love themselves enough to pull themselves out of it…and stand up again before it is too late. Don’t end up dead or hurting those you love, or in a life that has, in all effects, passed you by….like me. Don’t do it to yourself. It’s not worth it by a long shot. Trust me.
I’m just grateful I’m still around to be very honest. Because I think I should have been dead a long time ago…and what would my life have meant then?
I’m better than that, and I know it.
Again, another off-the-top-of my-head blog post, but yeah…grateful isn’t even the word for what I feel.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME