Thoughts on Value and Acceptance.

I think one of the biggest issues I’ve had in life, is my rather overwhelming need to feel like I’m truly being valued and heard; but never really feeling it fully at all, from anyone or anywhere.

This includes by people in my real life, as well as on social media, and in social situations.

It used to make me sad……. that I wasn’t worth the effort or love; the time, concern, respect, or loyalty….”What’s wrong with me? Why does everyone treat me like I’m nothing?”  Blah, blah, blah.

I always ended up on the wrong end of things….I was a bitter person because of it. I blamed everybody else for every situation I was in.

My thoughts in the past with value and acceptance, where based off of a dysfunctional childhood that I couldn’t let go of; a life of discontent, addictive behaviors, and mental health issues. I still have some of those issues.

I used to get all bitchy and dramatic about it…and sometimes, I still do. Although all my core Bullshit remains;  I’d like to think, that those moments have reduced severely since last year. 

Truthfully, there’s only a few people I even care about enough anymore, to let close enough to get past my wall. Truthfully, no one owes me one damn thing in this life. Truthfully, I’m just trying to finish this blog post that I started over a year ago.

My thoughts on value and acceptance now, are based off principle and common sense.

My value isn’t worth anything, if I have to talk you into believing that I’m valuable; even when I’m proving it with my actions already….and vice versa.

I’m not going to spend time talking you into anything.

There it is; there’s my current way of thinking.

I’ve learned to live in real life; and with the apologies and validations, that I will never get. I’m not going to spend time on something that makes me feel empty; it doesn’t matter what or who it is.

Neither should you.

I’ve personally found that it’s best to invest quality time on yourself; so that no matter what, you’re good in your own worth; on your own; because that’s all that matters.

Many people see value in many things; but most don’t even realize the value of something;  miss out on it all together; or don’t even care to find it.

Life goes on. 

To value myself is the greatest gift I ever gave myself….NO returns. 

Some days I have to dig deeper than others; but I do know at the end of the day; I’m good. 

There’s quite a power in that on a whole because it makes you better able to genuinely practice healthy living. πŸ™‚ 

Also; If you don’t value yourself;  no one else will. If it’s not even worth it to you; you can’t much expect it to be worth it to anyone else either.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds Β©2016 ~Peaces of ME


Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

……………………………………………………..

One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

……………………………………………………..

Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process πŸ˜‰πŸ˜….

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. πŸ™‚

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Good Friday to You

Life is good at the moment for me, and truthfully it’s because I’ve done some healing and some accepting of things just these last few days, so I’m feeling rather positive and motivated about life in general; 

calm.

It feels good to be able to let certain things go and not let it bother me. I’m not quite sure what’s happening, but life FEELS like it’s getting easier. The decisions are clearer, and easier to make, even though sometimes still hard. There’s a working, doable plan. I know I’m going to be ok. I’m starting to finally understand myself; my needs vs. wants; I’m not feeling uptight about much. I get to the point where my reasoning kicks in, and I’m good. I can’t control half of it anyways. 

My anxiety is low; also, it’s the start of the weekend. Normally I might be anxious and think stupid things, but really it’s not like that this day. So….I call it riding the wave, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not worrying about anything until I have to.

No point in that.

My main concern is finding a way to be productive financially, and still keep my stress level low so I can maintain productivity.

I guess since I can’t seem to sell this light kit of mine I got for school, I’m going to teach myself how to use it. I really dont want to go to school again, because quite frankly, I feel like it’s a waste of time and money right now. I’m also 40 grand in, regarding school loans, so yeah….no. I know enough already to proceed to something that makes me happy, and I’m going from there. I know I have enough brains in my head to figure it out.

I’m literally living each day as it comes. Eventually the effort I am putting in to move forward, will pay off. I’m really wanting to get this Etsy store idea open and running, and I’ve got a shit ton of stuff to do on it…STILL. So not going fast enough for me.

Things are starting to be more stable now with a lot of needed changes, so I think I might be able to focus on it, and the things I need to do to get it up and running. 

I’m hoping to have it officially open by November. It’ll be a mix of stuff. Personal Art, photographic images and mixed media creations of various kinds, vintage things, odd things, ME things. I’m quite crafty, so I’m  excited to have a good goal to focus on. Also considering a calendar as it’s been mentioned numerous times to make.

Other avenues could open if it takes off at all. I resign to be happy more than anything, and get off this SSI if I can. I hate it. I’m doing it on my own terms, because it’s the only way I’ll ever be happy.

I really hate the Government more than ever these days.dl Depending on them sucks, and is NOT a way of life.

I am determined to beat the stigma of mental illness and addiction in the end; and I will do it.

This weekend will be for planting flower beds if the rain holds off.

Cash flow could be better, but otherwise I’m solid.

Enjoy your weekend.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Make Your Own Adventure…

We went to Twin Creek Metro Park in Germantown this past weekend, and it really was pretty fun. In the upcoming summer, I plan to travel a bit to some fun places, and do some things I’ve never done before (with my Bo, of course.) I dig coming across cool things, and so I’m hoping to do just that; I’m definitely up for the adventure… And my camera will be in hand.

This Summer is the perfect time to get out, and make my own adventures!

Better late, than never.

This trip was kind of on the fly, so I only took cell photos; but I wanted to remember it, so I’m posting the images here anyways.

Today marks 24 days sober, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I’m starting to feel like my old self again, and I know it’s because I’m doing the right thing. Hopefully it will be easier as time goes on.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Grateful Isn’t Even the Word I Feel, and other blah,blah,blahs.

Well I had this long blog I wrote on Monday about last weekend, and how it was good for me; but somehow after I published it, it magically dissappeared. I probably did something, but who really knows what that was. So basically I had a good weekend. I’m much happier clear-headed. πŸ™‚ 

Today is day 19 in my sober world…Again. One always hopes that this will be the last go ’round with the demon, and the last round of counting. One would hope; I hope. I guess I have to go with that and believe it, because it’s the only option I have today that’s sane and smart. Treat my disease…and keep the demon in it’s place. Either that or face certain doom. Eventually it will become second nature again, and I will stop talking about it so much. Right now I think it is essential that I do, because it is what’s keeping me sober. 

Something kind of strange I’ve found for myself too…

It’s not difficult to not drink, if I just don’t drink.  I don’t much think about it. After it has been out of my system for a bit…I don’t crave it like you would think I would, because the very thought of it, actually makes me sick. I’m so grateful for this fact. I know it’s maybe a weird thing to be grateful for, but I certainly am. Lord knows I’ve had enough hangovers to last well into eternity…Now? NOPE, I’ll pass…thank you very much. Just remembering the misery is enough to stop me today…and that’s enough for TODAY.

I do have to admit that I still get slightly triggered though, when I see the huge “Alcohol” sign, on the storeside down the road I used to go to…but that’s pretty much it. I just tell myself that I can’t get away from the world and how it is; and I know it. Instead I suck it up…because I’m the one with the drinking problem after all; I know where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come, as well; so i just won’t go to the store. πŸ’‘πŸ’‘ I mean, that’s saying something that I know this finally, right? Pretty cut and dry. It only took me 45 years to figure this no -brainer out…and actually implement the practice. (I’m so rolling my eyes right now, geez) 

No, the only time I really have an issue with drinking, is AFTER that first drink; if that makes sense. Don’t drink= no major issues. Drink=won’t stop.

*Tells me I have to make sure I never get to the point that I want to drink again (answer to it all), and that it is MY choice, no one else’s. It always was.*

I have to say though, that I feel so much better off of the synthetic meds. I really think that was a smart choice for me. It only stands to reason that staying away from alcohol would make my stability even better, and it’s proving to be so. I have never been without one or the other. I was always on some sort of anti-psychotic/anti-depressant/pill or drinking, or both.

I’m strictly herbal now, and my anxiety is about 1/3 of what it was. Best choice I’ve made in a while. I’m also taking vitamins/supplements and exercising.   It feels kind of lame to know I could have been doing this my entire life, but I guess my story just doesn’t match anything other than what it is…and so I embrace the fact that I’m actually doing it today.

One thing I do know about addiction is that you cannot reach an addict, until they want to be reached. You just can’t because it’s a disease of the brain, firstly. You also have to nurture the pieces that are broken in you, that caused you drink in the first place; and accept and make peace with them as best you can, so you can free yourself from the cycle…because that’s what it is. I couldn’t deal, because I wouldn’t stop hurting myself. You can’t make a change at all, if you don’t change what you are doing. 

I hope someone that comes across this blog, will learn from my mistakes, and love themselves enough to pull themselves out of it…and stand up again before it is too late. Don’t end up dead or hurting those you love, or in a life that has, in all effects, passed you by….like me. Don’t do it to yourself. It’s not worth it by a long shot. Trust me.

I’m just grateful I’m still around to be very honest. Because I think I should have been dead a long time ago…and what would my life have meant then? 

I’m better than that, and I know it. 

Again, another off-the-top-of my-head blog post, but yeah…grateful isn’t even the word for what I feel.  

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Freedom on a Friday.

I live for moments of revelation, motivation, strength, and peace.

This has been a productive Friday for me so far, consisting of these moments…And it’s not over yet.

Supplies are on the list for tomorrow for some new projects I want to create; also researching some sites for future shoots. I have a lot of work to do and I’m excited. I think this new Etsy store will be a great outlet for me, And put me on my way to where I want to be creative-wise; open me up a bit; maybe float me a little cash to pay a few bills.


I’ve made peace with some demons as well today, and bolted closed a door I should have, a long time ago. (although the key hole does remain)


Funny how things come sometimes; this wave of calm and clarity actually hit me when I was surfing Instagram this morning, of all places. 


I decided that the self-doubt I’ve been  struggling with, is getting to the end of it’s run. I’m not interested in negativity and doubting myself anymore. I’m not interested in wasting my life going nowhere anymore.


It can only make me happy to be happy, because that’s what being happy is about.


I can’t spend my time worrying about fitting a certain outline anymore, because I don’t fit one and I know it. I’m good with that finally. I’m just going to do my thing. πŸ™‚ It’s only important if I’m happy in my life, and moving positively through it in the most constructive way possible for myself and the people I care about.

Certainly not putting this effort into things and people that keep me stuck in my head and uncertain any longer, ever again. I’m done with that; because I’m tired of doubting. I’m tired of doubting myself.

Enter clarity. Enter answers. Enter strength.

I’m not selfish for loving myself, every part of me, for who I am.  That’s not anything but good, if I want to feel fulfilled and happy in MYSELF. Because really, this is MY life, not anybody else’s ,and I decided that I’m not so bad. 

Even though I know I will still have some shit days, and I know there will be challenges (reality), I’m getting off of my pity party as a whole, so I can move to the next phase of my life.

I feel good about myself as a person today, and that’s enough to keep me going until I get to tomorrow.

RIDE OR DIE.

Today I finally feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone, but myself, and that’s really freeing. I know I can only grow stronger with this mindset.

I’m excited to see what I can achieve with the new outlook And some solid effort.

I know for sure the journey into uncharted waters is about to begin again, and I intend to embrace and enjoy it THIS leg, every step of the way. 


Love yourself.

J. Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling better…

Things are beginning to feel a bit more stable again for me…good deal.

Although I still have my issues and ups and downs, I am working daily on focusing on the positive, and trying to keep my head space clear of BS, drama, and outside negativity. Even though I’m still my own worst enemy, for the most part, it’s working. I find staying off social media more as well, makes me feel better about my own life; forces me to live it, instead of living through other people.

I’m also SO glad to be off the synthetic meds, and feeling better physically. This has helped tremendously with my moods. I’ve never actively tried to be well without Big Pharma. before, and I’m for once excited and motivated to be well naturally instead. 

Never again will I put that synthetic shit in my body. It’s not for me. I’d much rather be medicinal 420 friendly and healthy, than depend on meds that make me gain weight, cause me to have high cholesterol, heart disease, and joint problems so I have to take and depend on other meds. to fix it, or to be on meds that make me have auditory hallucinations and feel like a junky when I don’t have them. NO THANKS. At least I know the herbal works on my anxiety, PTSD, and pain regarding my shoulder. No side effects.  I’m in control of my own body, and I’m not going to get sick If I don’t have it. If anyone wants to judge me for it, go for it, because truly I don’t give a shit about anybody else’s opinion on it at all.

Just know I’m still here, alive and kicking, and moving forward. 

I also decided I will be opening an Etsy store in the near future to sell my photography/art/crafts/sewing. I’m hoping some might dig it, because it would really be nice to make some extra money on my own original work. Can’t know, if I don’t TRY.

I feel confident about it.

Anyways, that’s all for me right now…Getting back to life again, and thankful for it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Forsaken

The brightness of my light was taken hostage.

It flickered through the bars that was my home for so long.

When I escaped I had no idea where to go.

I made my own home where I wanted, and filled it with beautiful, lovely memories of a time when I felt whole. 

There I lived until the time came I could build upon it with new memories of the way that I am, and my life now. 

Every day I add bits of love to this place I call home…I.e., ME.

You stole a piece of me that I don’t even want back. 

It is gone and it is yours to have because you needed it more than I.

When you betrayed me , you gave me the best gift you could have ever given me. 

I would not have gotten strong in me , Or changed who I am as a person. I would have stayed stupid.

They say people drift into your life for a reason and I understand that now. 

I am at peace in my heart. 

I am happy. 

And I did it by myself. 

That is mine to own. Not yours.

I forgive you because I am SO much better for it. Some things in life are worth the wait anyways.

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Remember…

​Stop comparing your life, or what you feel is a lack of one, to other people’s. 
You have your own life, and your own accomplishments. Live it. Every day. Don’t give up. 
You have your own story, and it’s just as important as everyone else’s.
You are you. Not them.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME