It’s not Impossible and is Never too Late, to Change the Negative Things You Grew up Learning. 

Change is hard, when you are conditioned to believe a certain way; or have conditioned yourself to think a certain way; because that’s the way you’ve always known for so long.

That does not mean that change is not possible, if it is something that you really choose to do for yourself.

People do it every day. 

You can be one of those people.

…………………………………………………….

I used to feel afraid of saying how I felt, because I thought that no one cared to hear me; or I would offend someone because I had an opinion that didn’t match theirs; or I would get in trouble some how.

In the end, the only one that suffered for it….was ME

When I was a child…many times just walking into the room, would cause my step-father to react badly to me. Especially if he had been drinking.  I was conditioned to believe that I needed to be a certain way… or stay away… or do this, this way… Or think this way… for any kind of safety; regarding not getting hit or punished; or for any kind of valid love my step-father ever gave me (or my idea of what I thought “valid love” was, back then, as a child.)

I tried to act accordingly…but often failed because the goal was unattainable. I was not my step-father’s real child; and because of that, he hated me for it. I was treated as if something was wrong with me; and nothing was ever good enough…much differently than my two sisters, that were his blood, and real children.

I just stopped trying after a while, and rebelled instead.

I never thought highly of myself at all; and it showed by my actions.

I think writing saved my life when I was younger; because I could get my thoughts down and out of my mind, and I didn’t have to upset anyone in the process.

I could say the things to my father that I wanted to say, without fear. I could also bury my thoughts to be able to cope.

The truth is my father scared me. Every day, up until the time he left my mother, I was afraid of what the day held at my house. I stayed away from my house as much as I could growing up; and then when I was older and into my older teen years, I hated my step-father as much as I ever loved him.

Hate is a strong word, and a sin, I know.

I still did though.

I held on to that hate for so long, and the conditioning carried over into my adult life.

I subconsciously and consciously sought out people that were never truly satisfied with anything, as well as anything I did. I became the same kind of way.

I was used to conforming to what people wanted. I spent a great deal of my life doing it.  Almost 40 years. It often was never good enough, because I wasn’t being me…and it always came through. I melted into the idea of what other people wanted me to be, because every time I had an opinion that didn’t match someone else’s….bad things seemed to happen. In my head, I expected it to happen, Sometimes made it happen too. 

Occassionally still, it seems to still be that way;

but I am learning…

It took me a long time to realize, that the person really holding me back…was ME.

In fact, I struggle a lot with that core truth. 

Me being afraid to be myself; and voice my own opinions; was something I learned as a child; and I had to unlearn that way of unhealthy thinking. 

I am un-learning it STILL. It’s a process.

It’s taken actual effort, and time; and it’s not something that can be changed without either of these things.

I started to look at my life, and my choices that I did have control over. My father doesn’t call the shots for my life anymore…I DO. I can’t blame my past for my current life and problems anymore; because all it brings to me is despair and spinning wheels. 

There are many people in the world, who have had similar stories to mine, or even WAY worse things they’ve struggled through and have had to endure…and they HAVE.

I know it doesn’t make my struggle any less real to me; or any less painful; but I’m just saying, THOSE people who put the work in to change their way of thinking about their negative experiences; have most often endured; and went on to become much better people in the end of it all because of it; because they chose to learn from their struggle; take ownership of it; and rise above it, to achieve much greater, more positive things. 

A different way of thinking. Positive thinking and effort. Little, positive things adding up to bigger positive things; adding up to better positive thinking, and a better positive life in general. 

And it’s like that; and what I’ve found. 

Every day I try to be better than yesterday, to myself.

I figured I’ve spent a great deal of effort into making myself suffer in life, and those around me as well. I can make an equally, conscious effort into being decent and sober; and working every day for a healthy life, and a solid mind-set.

What I’ve really found is that THAT’S what suits ME best; and it’s when I’m most proud of myself. 

You can do it too. 

Make the choice to move forward, and don’t look back anymore. 

You can help people understand who you are; by being YOU, without apology.

Don’t let yourself down anymore, or live in the negative things you’ve learned. 

It’s worth it to make the choice to un-learn those things, because it will affect everything you do, and everyone you know, for the better. 

Only YOU can live YOUR life, and be proud of who YOU are. 

There’s really no kind of happiness without it; and you’ll forever be thankful that you can just be, without regret.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

You choose the easiest way, because it requires less effort…and suits you directly; right now.

I know, because I’ve lived it; and was that person too, in the past.

It’s never the easiest way though. You know this. 

That’s why it’s frustrating.

Unfortunately, the easiest way, is not always the best way to go. Many times you end up missing out on things you could have achieved or had, or people who would have stayed in your life; because at the time you didn’t think taking the easy way mattered…and it was easier than trying to go the other way. 

Everything is relevant. Your choices on ways to go are relevant too…

Like a last goodbye. 

What and whom you focus your attention on; is what you put your effort into; and it is like anything else. 

What will you choose to fight for?

Empty promises, words destroyed by your actions time and again.

More than anything, I want to take the best way, not the easiest one. 

If you are not beside me; I will go alone. 

There’s a future that awaits me; and it’s coming regardless of the hurdles.

There is no easy way to get there at all; and I can’t walk for both of us anymore, because I am tired.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Am Thankful; 2017.

Some days are better than others; some days are an effort to get through still…I won’t lie;  but I have plenty to be thankful for this season; and I am thankful; because I know where I’ve been. 

I am thankful that I am able to still be alive, and going where I am going in life. 

I’m thankful to be sober; and to finally feel free of that alcoholic burden…although I know it is, and will continue to be; a daily choice that I will have to make. 8 months sober today…..and counting.

I am thankful for my children, and that we are forming working, healthy relationships again. I am thankful for their father and his wife for doing for them, what I could not do…I’m grateful that they are safe and happy.

I am thankful for my relationship with T, even though it is not always easy. 

I am thankful for my family and true friends; who have always believed in my strengths, and helped me to find them, when I could not. 

I am grateful that I can still see the light, in a world full of chaos…and in myself.

I’m grateful that I chose to stand up and live my life the way it was meant to be lived; instead of running myself into the ground like I’ve always done in the past. 

So many other little things too, that I am thankful for…

I remember every day that I am blessed to have this life. 

For so long I took it for granted; and I’m glad that I continue to change for the better now…because it’s the way it should be. 

I hope wherever you are, that your Thanksgiving day was filled with peace and thanks…and that your holiday season will be too.

It’s amazing how remembering what we DO have in our lives; makes the value of it so much more, on a whole. The things we don’t have; seem somewhat trivial and unimportant…when you consider your life TODAY. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 Peaces of ME

A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Believe in ME.

I find myself every day. The smallest pieces click together more than not, and make me stronger.

I am blessed for the things I do have… and I am grateful everyday for the people in my life, whom I love. 

I no longer believe that I cannot achieve my goals; it is simply all about what I will do to achieve them. 

It is easier to have faith in myself when I know I am doing whatever I can to move forward, and not wasting time on things that don’t matter.

It doesn’t always go as planned (it never does), but eventually I always get there. 

My mother has often told me that I have a way about me, in which I do almost everything the opposite of what most people will do; but I always get it done; it’s usually better than most would do it. 

I agree with this fact fully because I know it is true. I think it’s just about the level of effort I choose to put in.

No effort equals nothing but existence and sadness, and I’m not satisfied with that kind of life anymore, because that’s not who I am anymore, or how I want my life to be.

I have never really fought for much of anything but my disease, and nurturing it.

I don’t want to be remembered, as the girl who drank her life away. I don’t want to end up dead from alcoholism like my Uncle Mike.

I know I have more to offer the world than that. 

I am glad that I can say now, that I am NOT my disease, and every day of my life, from now on, I plan to prove it to MYSELF. 

I am four months and two days sober today.

I’m still alive, and there is a reason for it. 

I do know whatever happens, I have to remember I’m worth the good things, and the bad things don’t dictate my life anymore. I won’t and can’t let them.

My struggles in life, make it that much more satisfying to say that I am still here, and moving forward.

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but it’s something I think is a miracle, and I don’t want to waste the time I have left. 

I’m not giving up on a life of peace, and I’ll continue to fight for it daily.

Just thoughts on my mind today. 

Kind of a hard week coming up for T and I, but it’ll be SO worth it for the both of us, in the end. Good vibes are appreciated. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. 🙂

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

July 25th, 2017… I’m 46 years old and not dead yet. 

We move first of the month. 🙂

Where there’s a will, there’s a way 🙂

I heard from my eldest daughter, and my mother sent a wonderful birthday card. T wrote me a beautiful song, and we met our goal. 

We are 121 days sober.

 We work for it every day. 

T says there are really no “buts” in happiness….

I agree fully. 

Happy 46th birthday to me. 

I’ve had WAY shittier ones for sure. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling better…

Things are beginning to feel a bit more stable again for me…good deal.

Although I still have my issues and ups and downs, I am working daily on focusing on the positive, and trying to keep my head space clear of BS, drama, and outside negativity. Even though I’m still my own worst enemy, for the most part, it’s working. I find staying off social media more as well, makes me feel better about my own life; forces me to live it, instead of living through other people.

I’m also SO glad to be off the synthetic meds, and feeling better physically. This has helped tremendously with my moods. I’ve never actively tried to be well without Big Pharma. before, and I’m for once excited and motivated to be well naturally instead. 

Never again will I put that synthetic shit in my body. It’s not for me. I’d much rather be medicinal 420 friendly and healthy, than depend on meds that make me gain weight, cause me to have high cholesterol, heart disease, and joint problems so I have to take and depend on other meds. to fix it, or to be on meds that make me have auditory hallucinations and feel like a junky when I don’t have them. NO THANKS. At least I know the herbal works on my anxiety, PTSD, and pain regarding my shoulder. No side effects.  I’m in control of my own body, and I’m not going to get sick If I don’t have it. If anyone wants to judge me for it, go for it, because truly I don’t give a shit about anybody else’s opinion on it at all.

Just know I’m still here, alive and kicking, and moving forward. 

I also decided I will be opening an Etsy store in the near future to sell my photography/art/crafts/sewing. I’m hoping some might dig it, because it would really be nice to make some extra money on my own original work. Can’t know, if I don’t TRY.

I feel confident about it.

Anyways, that’s all for me right now…Getting back to life again, and thankful for it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Forsaken

The brightness of my light was taken hostage.

It flickered through the bars that was my home for so long.

When I escaped I had no idea where to go.

I made my own home where I wanted, and filled it with beautiful, lovely memories of a time when I felt whole. 

There I lived until the time came I could build upon it with new memories of the way that I am, and my life now. 

Every day I add bits of love to this place I call home…I.e., ME.

You stole a piece of me that I don’t even want back. 

It is gone and it is yours to have because you needed it more than I.

When you betrayed me , you gave me the best gift you could have ever given me. 

I would not have gotten strong in me , Or changed who I am as a person. I would have stayed stupid.

They say people drift into your life for a reason and I understand that now. 

I am at peace in my heart. 

I am happy. 

And I did it by myself. 

That is mine to own. Not yours.

I forgive you because I am SO much better for it. Some things in life are worth the wait anyways.

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Remember…

​Stop comparing your life, or what you feel is a lack of one, to other people’s. 
You have your own life, and your own accomplishments. Live it. Every day. Don’t give up. 
You have your own story, and it’s just as important as everyone else’s.
You are you. Not them.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME