A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Believe in ME.

I find myself every day. The smallest pieces click together more than not, and make me stronger.

I am blessed for the things I do have… and I am grateful everyday for the people in my life, whom I love. 

I no longer believe that I cannot achieve my goals; it is simply all about what I will do to achieve them. 

It is easier to have faith in myself when I know I am doing whatever I can to move forward, and not wasting time on things that don’t matter.

It doesn’t always go as planned (it never does), but eventually I always get there. 

My mother has often told me that I have a way about me, in which I do almost everything the opposite of what most people will do; but I always get it done; it’s usually better than most would do it. 

I agree with this fact fully because I know it is true. I think it’s just about the level of effort I choose to put in.

No effort equals nothing but existence and sadness, and I’m not satisfied with that kind of life anymore, because that’s not who I am anymore, or how I want my life to be.

I have never really fought for much of anything but my disease, and nurturing it.

I don’t want to be remembered, as the girl who drank her life away. I don’t want to end up dead from alcoholism like my Uncle Mike.

I know I have more to offer the world than that. 

I am glad that I can say now, that I am NOT my disease, and every day of my life, from now on, I plan to prove it to MYSELF. 

I am four months and two days sober today.

I’m still alive, and there is a reason for it. 

I do know whatever happens, I have to remember I’m worth the good things, and the bad things don’t dictate my life anymore. I won’t and can’t let them.

My struggles in life, make it that much more satisfying to say that I am still here, and moving forward.

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but it’s something I think is a miracle, and I don’t want to waste the time I have left. 

I’m not giving up on a life of peace, and I’ll continue to fight for it daily.

Just thoughts on my mind today. 

Kind of a hard week coming up for T and I, but it’ll be SO worth it for the both of us, in the end. Good vibes are appreciated. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. 🙂

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

July 25th, 2017… I’m 46 years old and not dead yet. 

We move first of the month. 🙂

Where there’s a will, there’s a way 🙂

I heard from my eldest daughter, and my mother sent a wonderful birthday card. T wrote me a beautiful song, and we met our goal. 

We are 121 days sober.

 We work for it every day. 

T says there are really no “buts” in happiness….

I agree fully. 

Happy 46th birthday to me. 

I’ve had WAY shittier ones for sure. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling better…

Things are beginning to feel a bit more stable again for me…good deal.

Although I still have my issues and ups and downs, I am working daily on focusing on the positive, and trying to keep my head space clear of BS, drama, and outside negativity. Even though I’m still my own worst enemy, for the most part, it’s working. I find staying off social media more as well, makes me feel better about my own life; forces me to live it, instead of living through other people.

I’m also SO glad to be off the synthetic meds, and feeling better physically. This has helped tremendously with my moods. I’ve never actively tried to be well without Big Pharma. before, and I’m for once excited and motivated to be well naturally instead. 

Never again will I put that synthetic shit in my body. It’s not for me. I’d much rather be medicinal 420 friendly and healthy, than depend on meds that make me gain weight, cause me to have high cholesterol, heart disease, and joint problems so I have to take and depend on other meds. to fix it, or to be on meds that make me have auditory hallucinations and feel like a junky when I don’t have them. NO THANKS. At least I know the herbal works on my anxiety, PTSD, and pain regarding my shoulder. No side effects.  I’m in control of my own body, and I’m not going to get sick If I don’t have it. If anyone wants to judge me for it, go for it, because truly I don’t give a shit about anybody else’s opinion on it at all.

Just know I’m still here, alive and kicking, and moving forward. 

I also decided I will be opening an Etsy store in the near future to sell my photography/art/crafts/sewing. I’m hoping some might dig it, because it would really be nice to make some extra money on my own original work. Can’t know, if I don’t TRY.

I feel confident about it.

Anyways, that’s all for me right now…Getting back to life again, and thankful for it. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Forsaken

The brightness of my light was taken hostage.

It flickered through the bars that was my home for so long.

When I escaped I had no idea where to go.

I made my own home where I wanted, and filled it with beautiful, lovely memories of a time when I felt whole. 

There I lived until the time came I could build upon it with new memories of the way that I am, and my life now. 

Every day I add bits of love to this place I call home…I.e., ME.

You stole a piece of me that I don’t even want back. 

It is gone and it is yours to have because you needed it more than I.

When you betrayed me , you gave me the best gift you could have ever given me. 

I would not have gotten strong in me , Or changed who I am as a person. I would have stayed stupid.

They say people drift into your life for a reason and I understand that now. 

I am at peace in my heart. 

I am happy. 

And I did it by myself. 

That is mine to own. Not yours.

I forgive you because I am SO much better for it. Some things in life are worth the wait anyways.

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of Me

Remember…

​Stop comparing your life, or what you feel is a lack of one, to other people’s. 
You have your own life, and your own accomplishments. Live it. Every day. Don’t give up. 
You have your own story, and it’s just as important as everyone else’s.
You are you. Not them.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

Changes for the Better are Never Bad

There was a point and time in my life that I thought I was doomed forever.

The affections of fickle lovers and the constant yearning for something in my life that made me feel alive, was pretty much all I had.

I was suspended in a place in my mind, that I could not allow anyone else to go or get close to, for fear of suffocating under the weight of my own expectations that could never be reached.

It was a bleak madness that had taken over, and sent me someplace into the dark to which I could not escape. I could feel life leaving me every day.

It was at yet again in a bottom to a bottom moment, that I made a choice.

Somehow I decided that being alive, and being happy and living life are two totally different things.

I began to look at myself from a different perspective. I decided that the only way I was going to change would to be to drop the song and dance and look at my past patterns, and change them.

No more excuses.

I started setting boundaries for myself about how I would treat others, and how I would allow others to treat me. Trying to do positive things for myself, instead of setting myself up for a fall, knowing full-well I was going to fall in the first place. Making immediate goals and lists of things I needed to do, focusing on the immediate, and getting myself into therapy. Taking a stand. Fighting for my own life. Actively trying. Putting myself first.

Call it anything you want but I saved my own life, so I could finally start living it.

I made the decision to do it, No one else. Even though my life is far from perfect, it was the best decision I could have ever made.

Opting out is no longer an option in my world. I’m glad about that.

Life is journey. The paths you cut for yourself are were and when you choose to cut them. You decide.

It is work to keep myself in a positive space sometimes; but it’s SO much easier now that I released myself from my own prison.

I know wherever life takes me, I can get through it, and that I’m strong enough to.

That’s pretty much all I need to know to wake up tomorrow at peace.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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