I have not written words on paper for a long time.
A computer screen would not be paper, but I haven’t wanted to write here on this blog either. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel like I need to just go with the flow when it comes to my writing, so I am.
My life is pretty different then it was the last time I blogged.
I am a legal resident of Michigan now.
It was a slightly daunting move that took patience, but I financed it all myself and so for some reason, I am proud of that. I worked hard to make it happen and accomplish the goal. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even been able to attempt it.
My growth inside is daily, and I am sober. My mind is open. I’m embracing all three of these gifts because that’s what they are.
I took some time off from working to decompress and regroup. I’ve been slightly depressed at points these last three weeks, but the time off has done me some good. I think after a big change it just takes a bit to level out. My mind was tired and my body was tired too. I needed the rest, and so I’m glad I took the time.
Now it’s time to look for a better job than the one I used to work before. I have an excellent referral letter from my former employer and motivation to match it.
Time to get going again, and I’m ready.
I don’t know where it will lead, but I trust the direction the universe is taking me. I also trust myself.
Although I have been writing, I’ve not been blogging here for a bit because I’ve been too busy working and focusing on doing other things that I need to get done.
My holiday was quiet and simple. I made myself a small, festive dinner and talked with my family and friends.
I received a few unexpected gifts as well, and it was really nice to be remembered. All in all, it was a good Holiday for me, and I’m glad I didn’t get called into work and could just enjoy the time off.
I still have packages to send out because I am finishing up some of the things I’ve been making for gifts; but since everyone already knows they will be late; there was no pressure or anxiousness about Christmas this year, that I would usually have if I was behind. My animals were also happy that I stayed home the whole day for once. (Lol)
I’ve just been moving forward, and what a sobering year this has been.
It’s getting easier to not look back in life at the bad times, and when I do it’s usually just to acknowledge and/or think about a lesson I’ve learned from it. I don’t stay there very long anymore. I really do think that this has been key for me and my personal growth.
Today I am in today.
Today I am also one year, nine months, and one day sober.
Today is one day more than I can say that I actually lived.
I shared this on social media today, and I think it’s something to share here as well.
“You cannot wage war on yourself, and expect to win.
When you know you are on the right track, there is no going backward anymore, only forward.
I was my own worst enemy…
Now I am my own best friend.”
It is true, all of it; and I am grateful to be ok in my skin, and to be ok in general, in this world.
I couldn’t say that at the beginning of this year.
There are still stressors in my life, but instead of freaking out or going into a hole over them, I am instead choosing to face the challenges head-on. I’m thinking with my brain rationally and finding solutions to my problems, instead of letting the BS take root. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I received from this year.
I have been in way worse positions in my life, and I’ve surely never been this hopeful at all about the future.
It’s a really good thing to feel hopeful.
This year was a big one for me in many regards; and in 2019, my first major thing will be flying to New York to see my eldest daughter in mid-January. It’s been a long time coming, and I cannot wait to go and see her. My flight is booked, and all that is left to be worked out are the minor details.
More on that to come.
I hope you had a wonderful Holiday, and that 2019 is a year that will bring you peace, understanding, and great happiness.
I hope the New Year will shine it’s good juje on all of us.
Truthfully, I think we could all use some light in this world for a change.
Making little efforts to open our eyes, makes it all the more easier to see it.
I spoke to the woman at the therapy center I found, that offers the EMDR treatment that I’ve been wanting to get.
She told me that even though they did accept my insurance; the particular therapist I *inquired about, was not taking new patients and wouldn’t be any time soon.
At first I was bummed, because from what it looked like, that therapist was the only one at that office that offered the EMDR therapy.
I’m glad I took some deep breaths; and didn’t let my thinking get away from me on it. The next thing the woman told me, was that that was not the case. The main therapist of the whole place; was somewhat of a guru of EMDR it seems; and he would be back from vacation next week. After that they were going to be opening up the schedule, and they could then, get me in.
She put me on a waiting list, and said it would be anywhere from one to three weeks wait; and she would call me soon.
I’m relieved. In my mind I thought it was going to be way harder to get something set up; I’m glad I was wrong about that.
I’m glad I made the effort to get the ball rolling finally, and that I stopped focusing on the scariness factor of it all. I’m sure that fear will be an ongoing challenge, that I will have to continue to work through.
Fear has always held me; and held me back from all kinds of things I could have done in life.
I know now that those things can still come to fruition…..and fear is just an emotion that I should stop giving so much power to.
I am proud of myself for doing today. I am proud of myself for not feeling shameful about needing more coping skills. I am proud of myself for accepting the fact that it is ok to be an ongoing work in progress.
Progress is what counts; and the work to get there, I know I am capable of doing.
I am one year, three months, and twenty-two days sober; and I will be 47 years old, in a week.
I hope to see my children in the next weeks coming up to celebrate; but I think following through on this therapist thing, is equally as important of a Birthday gift to myself.
I know we all move in our own ways. Sometimes it takes less time than it would take someone else to make their move. Sometimes you have to learn how to make the move.
Sometimes you just have to jump in, and have faith that you are a strong swimmer; when you know for a fact that you are.
I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I will continue to be patient every day with myself; because I am my own friend; and a good one .
Happy Birthday America. I hope you will get your shit together soon; for real.
I feel like we should be celebrating the fact that the world has not exploded yet.
I don’t think I’m alone in that either….
Last year on the Fourth, I was still with T; and we were just coming off of 3 months or so, sober.
Everything is different this year. In fact, It’s sometimes hard for me to believe; just how much my life has changed since last July.
T and I are no longer together now. I have an awesome job that I love, my own car, my own apartment, a semi- normal working relationship with all three of my remaining children. I am sober; one year, three months, and eight days; today.
What’s there really, to complain about?
I’m longer compromising myself mentally; to be in a relationship that isn’t healthy.
I’m happy about that.
I have true friends that care about me and my life. I can do literally whatever I want to.
I guess I’m coming back into myself again; slowly but surely.
That’s a good feeling.
I will be 47 years old in twenty-one days too.
Next chapter is what.
I’m going to Michigan again to see my kids; and hopefully I will also be jumping out of a plane on that weekend as well.
Bucket list. A Birthday present to myself.
A tattoo cover up as well…another gift to myself that has been a long time coming.
The world keeps spinning, doesn’t it?
I’m not going to lie; it’s been super hard at points to acclimate to being alone again…and I have cried at points. I’m still pissed off that I was treated like I wasn’t worth the truth; or valued like I should have been. I am still getting over it in pieces…and won’t be getting into anymore serious relationships in the near future…at all.
I would however, like to find some people to do things with. Like jump out of a plane. 😉 Someone single; with no expectations, other than a friendship and hanging out for right now.
At the end of the day, I know I’m ok… and that fact is really what’s keeping me moving forward emotionally, at this point.
I have wonderful people in my life, that have helped me do this; and im so grateful for that fact.
This Fourth has been pretty boring this year (I’ve been cleaning and unpacking); but I’m going to the fireworks by myself anyways.
It will be nothing special. Just me spending time with me; in a group of people.
What could go wrong with that?
Wish me luck; and enjoy your Fourth.
Please do not drink and drive, or blow yourself up….seriously.
Some things clicked that really needed to. That they do for me sometimes; and then I know what to do next.
My hands hurt; but my heart not so much anymore.
I’ve been grieving for a really long time, about a lot of things in my life.
And life is just too short to put people that don’t appreciate me; around me.
I’m not the kind of girl, who will just bend over and take it anymore.
Most are intimidated by the fight in me. Especially when they treat me poorly. That is why I try to be honest about who I am, straight away.
I’m educated. I’m smart. I do suck at Math. I know more about life than a great percentage; and most of the stuff I know of life; has bashed me over the head with nowhere to go but through. I’ve been through it.
When you have depleted every try you have in you over something. When you cannot see any positivity left in something. You must go THROUGH IT.
That includes removing yourself completely from the situation.
That is what I have done. Again.
Currently sitting in my own apartment; tired, and blogging this.
I have an MRI appointment in the morning, and a bed set being delivered before I go to work, in the late afternoon.
A money issue again. Who doesn’t have them; I know.
I’m also not surprised by the reason.
It’s hard to slow down. I was just staring at the moon and wondering why life is the way it is, earlier.
I had to make myself eat; but I am healthy; other than my stress level.
I’m strong. I have a good heart, and a ruthless streak for people that try to bring other people misery on purpose. Especially ME.
I can’t apologize for that.
When someone shows you proof that they have a diagnosed mental condition like PTSD. You should listen, and not think it’s a joke.
I’m done suffering uneedingly; with anything or anyone.
Why stay in that?
And if that means that I will have to struggle more than some in whatever way…well what’s new.
I’m over it.
I’m sober. I have remained that way; because I know it will kill me if I don’t.
The same goes for some people and my PTSD.
People that are spiteful for sport, will always lose with me. People that don’t try to become better people, will always stay miserable; and that’s not something I want for my life; or want to be around; or triggered by any further.
I’m not miserable when im around people who don’t go out of their way to trigger me, and play mind games.
People that do; will just have to listen to what I have to say, until they get the fact that I’m not having it.
OR; I cut them out of my life completely because they completely suck the life out of me, every time I see them.
I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.
I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.
Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.
Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.
I’m being true to myself today.
I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.
I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.
It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.
I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.
It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.
I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.
And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.
“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”
I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.
Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.
It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.
It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.
I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.
I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.
The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.
It’s getting better and better every day.
Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.
I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………
When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.
There are things to still be grateful for, after all.
I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.
She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.
A “proper” role model.
I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.
I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.
Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)
Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….
Being a decent person, that is.
I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.
“To thine own self be true.”
Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.
For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.
I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.
I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.
I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.
I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.
Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.
It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.
Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…
I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.
I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.
We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.
It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.
I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.
It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.
You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.
I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.
I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.
The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.
You hurt others with your negativity.
You hurt yourself.
Something in you, has to find a way to change.
It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.
It’s about what you think about yourself.
It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….
And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.
I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.
Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?
I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.
I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.
I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….
You choose the easiest way, because it requires less effort…and suits you directly; right now.
I know, because I’ve lived it; and was that person too, in the past.
It’s never the easiest way though. You know this.
That’s why it’s frustrating.
Unfortunately, the easiest way, is not always the best way to go. Many times you end up missing out on things you could have achieved or had, or people who would have stayed in your life; because at the time you didn’t think taking the easy way mattered…and it was easier than trying to go the other way.
Everything is relevant. Your choices on ways to go are relevant too…
Like a last goodbye.
What and whom you focus your attention on; is what you put your effort into; and it is like anything else.
What will you choose to fight for?
Empty promises, words destroyed by your actions time and again.
More than anything, I want to take the best way, not the easiest one.
If you are not beside me; I will go alone.
There’s a future that awaits me; and it’s coming regardless of the hurdles.
There is no easy way to get there at all; and I can’t walk for both of us anymore, because I am tired.