Something I decided to share because I’m healing. I’ve been going over a lot of my writings from past years. So much dark and hurt and heavy. It’s hard to read. I believe if I didn’t have my writing I would have slit my throat, overdosed, or hung myself. I know I would have. Grief can kill you if you don’t get a handle on it. For me, that’s what I had to do. I still have bad times of course, but mostly life is slowly starting to even out. Opting out is no longer an option for me; and I’m able to recover more quickly from my “moments”. (Usually) Medication helps.
Sometimes you come across certain things, that I believe you’re supposed to see for a reason. I have battled with myself and my faith since I learned what “God” was, or what they said he was supposed to be.
This is one of my many letters to “God”.
Not sure what it means that I saw this. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps it’s to remind me of how far I’ve come…or where I need to go.
I’m not really sure how it works.
What about me?
What about how I hurt inside?
Isn’t it enough to know I struggle everyday? Isn’t THAT enough for you???
What about my feelings? My weaknesses? My triggers? My little boy, burned up and sitting in a box, on a shelf, that YOU took away?
Doesn’t it matter that I want to be well and become better and forget?
Doesn’t any of it matter at all?
It matters to me.
And I don’t even know what this life means anymore.
You abandoned me when I needed you the most.
I don’t believe you exist or ever did. (2010)
I think it is a very normal feeling to struggle with your faith after you’ve been through something that will forever change you and leaves a massive void.
I’m not going to go on about “God”, or lack there of. I think religion is a personal journey; much like life.
This just made me remember and cry. I remember those times. It was still fresh, and the feelings bit at me every waking moment.
It has been a very long, very hard 8 years. I still ask all of those questions on a bad day.
I needed to see this. I needed to remember; and I needed to share it. That that was then, and this is NOW.
Now is so much better. I also know the answers to most of those questions too.
Believe in and love yourself. It lies within you. The rest follows.
I am grateful for my life.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me