2 years and 8 months of believing that I deserve to live and not die.
Yes, it IS like that.
I want to remember this journey. The good and the bad of it…the lessons.
Change requires turning some attention to yourself instead of looking outward at everything and everyone else to fix it for you.
This I do know.
You have to be mindful of your life and choices, to actually change. You have to own your choices in this life.
At one point is does become a choice.
Even though it’s uncomfortable at times. Even though you aren’t perfect and have to admit it openly.
You can’t change the uncomfortable parts in life.
There’s a challenge but also a peace and calm and understanding in knowing and realizing that. With that understanding comes a sense of strength and some peace too.
Peaces strung together.
Just because it feels like you can’t get through something, doesn’t mean you can’t get through it.
I believe now that working through personal challenges without things that make my life unmanageable is the healthiest way to have a healthy life.
I cannot drink.
I equate a healthy life to helping myself so that I can help others in this life.
I’m guess I’m glad I’m done making excuses, and more to doing the work today to change towards better ways.
Feels good to be in recovery a little more every day.
No one can take the work you put into yourself, from you. It can ONLY make you stronger in character and happier in yourself.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME
I’m grateful to be sober and cigarette-free.
I’m grateful to not be on synthetic medication to regulate my moods.
I’m grateful to be able to feel fully.
I’m grateful for my children.
I’m grateful for my family even though it can be hard sometimes.
I’m grateful for my health and to be working towards becoming more healthy, daily.
I’m grateful that I’m ok marching to the beat of my own drummer.
I’m grateful that I am open to learn every day.
I’m grateful I don’t compromise my values anymore to please people so they will love me.
I’m grateful to know that the people that really love me never would need me to compromise myself, and would never ask me to.
No matter what happens, I AM grateful.
Good or bad days they are mine, and I know that I am lucky for it because a lot didn’t end up surviving what I have.
I’m grateful that I can see the light now.
I’m grateful to be grateful.
I’m grateful to have actually sold a piece of my art to someone who will appreciate it.
Loving myself tonight in the wake of adversity.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME
Some days are better than others; some days are an effort to get through still…I won’t lie; but I have plenty to be thankful for this season; and I am thankful; because I know where I’ve been.
I am thankful that I am able to still be alive, and going where I am going in life.
I’m thankful to be sober; and to finally feel free of that alcoholic burden…although I know it is, and will continue to be; a daily choice that I will have to make. 8 months sober today…..and counting.
I am thankful for my children, and that we are forming working, healthy relationships again. I am thankful for their father and his wife for doing for them, what I could not do…I’m grateful that they are safe and happy.
I am thankful for my relationship with T, even though it is not always easy.
I am thankful for my family and true friends; who have always believed in my strengths, and helped me to find them, when I could not.
I am grateful that I can still see the light, in a world full of chaos…and in myself.
I’m grateful that I chose to stand up and live my life the way it was meant to be lived; instead of running myself into the ground like I’ve always done in the past.
So many other little things too, that I am thankful for…
I remember every day that I am blessed to have this life.
For so long I took it for granted; and I’m glad that I continue to change for the better now…because it’s the way it should be.
I hope wherever you are, that your Thanksgiving day was filled with peace and thanks…and that your holiday season will be too.
It’s amazing how remembering what we DO have in our lives; makes the value of it so much more, on a whole. The things we don’t have; seem somewhat trivial and unimportant…when you consider your life TODAY.
J.Rounds ©2017 Peaces of ME
I can be grateful and happy that I am 178 days sober, and moving in what seems to be, a forward motion.
Today I’m just going to go to work, and talk to animals.
Nothing fancy, but it works.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
Maybe it’s because it means more….
to struggle for things you need and want.
If there was no struggle, then there wouldn’t really be that much of a reward in the end.
It wouldn’t mean anything.
I don’t know if that’s exactly true; but it’s what I tell myself when I feel beside myself, and upside down.
Just keep going.
Today I feel good enough, and there is reason to believe that it might just be a good day after all.
I have faith.
T and I have decided to stay where we are for now, and to take this next month and really find a place that will suit us.
I believe that things and moments come to you when you really need them.
I’m going to stop expecting, and start accepting.
I think it can only help in the end.
J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
I find myself every day. The smallest pieces click together more than not, and make me stronger.
I am blessed for the things I do have… and I am grateful everyday for the people in my life, whom I love.
I no longer believe that I cannot achieve my goals; it is simply all about what I will do to achieve them.
It is easier to have faith in myself when I know I am doing whatever I can to move forward, and not wasting time on things that don’t matter.
It doesn’t always go as planned (it never does), but eventually I always get there.
My mother has often told me that I have a way about me, in which I do almost everything the opposite of what most people will do; but I always get it done; it’s usually better than most would do it.
I agree with this fact fully because I know it is true. I think it’s just about the level of effort I choose to put in.
No effort equals nothing but existence and sadness, and I’m not satisfied with that kind of life anymore, because that’s not who I am anymore, or how I want my life to be.
I have never really fought for much of anything but my disease, and nurturing it.
I don’t want to be remembered, as the girl who drank her life away. I don’t want to end up dead from alcoholism like my Uncle Mike.
I know I have more to offer the world than that.
I am glad that I can say now, that I am NOT my disease, and every day of my life, from now on, I plan to prove it to MYSELF.
I am four months and two days sober today.
I’m still alive, and there is a reason for it.
I do know whatever happens, I have to remember I’m worth the good things, and the bad things don’t dictate my life anymore. I won’t and can’t let them.
My struggles in life, make it that much more satisfying to say that I am still here, and moving forward.
I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but it’s something I think is a miracle, and I don’t want to waste the time I have left.
I’m not giving up on a life of peace, and I’ll continue to fight for it daily.
Just thoughts on my mind today.
Kind of a hard week coming up for T and I, but it’ll be SO worth it for the both of us, in the end. Good vibes are appreciated.
I hope you all have a great weekend. 🙂
J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME
A quiet distance that we are not afraid of and fight to understand
Comfort in knowing you are there living this life with me
Somehow you are healing me
There’s no denying it
Every day is the best day
When I see your blues
We will ride the storms together
Make our own rainbows
And chase the moon
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
I’ve decided to keep this blog going after all. It would be like turning my back on a part of myself that’s good; and that would just be stupid.
Two years of my life, today, on digital world view. As hard as it’s been….Finding yourself; in the midst of random strangers; is a good way to deal/heal fears, and is very freeing.
I reserve my right to make harmless, reversable, bipolar decisions.
I turned off and deactivated my social media accounts to focus on my goals.
I am 67 days sober.
There is a light in me again that grows stronger every single day.
I am grateful for the people in my life.
I realized that being afraid of failure, is keeping me from doing what I need to do to succeed.
I also realized that I can’t much do anything or get anything done, if I don’t do it.
Fear of failure is not an option for me any longer. It’s held me down for most of my life; and that’s just over now.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
Well I had this long blog I wrote on Monday about last weekend, and how it was good for me; but somehow after I published it, it magically dissappeared. I probably did something, but who really knows what that was. So basically I had a good weekend. I’m much happier clear-headed. 🙂
Today is day 19 in my sober world…Again. One always hopes that this will be the last go ’round with the demon, and the last round of counting. One would hope; I hope. I guess I have to go with that and believe it, because it’s the only option I have today that’s sane and smart. Treat my disease…and keep the demon in it’s place. Either that or face certain doom. Eventually it will become second nature again, and I will stop talking about it so much. Right now I think it is essential that I do, because it is what’s keeping me sober.
Something kind of strange I’ve found for myself too…
It’s not difficult to not drink, if I just don’t drink. I don’t much think about it. After it has been out of my system for a bit…I don’t crave it like you would think I would, because the very thought of it, actually makes me sick. I’m so grateful for this fact. I know it’s maybe a weird thing to be grateful for, but I certainly am. Lord knows I’ve had enough hangovers to last well into eternity…Now? NOPE, I’ll pass…thank you very much. Just remembering the misery is enough to stop me today…and that’s enough for TODAY.
I do have to admit that I still get slightly triggered though, when I see the huge “Alcohol” sign, on the storeside down the road I used to go to…but that’s pretty much it. I just tell myself that I can’t get away from the world and how it is; and I know it. Instead I suck it up…because I’m the one with the drinking problem after all; I know where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come, as well; so i just won’t go to the store. 💡💡 I mean, that’s saying something that I know this finally, right? Pretty cut and dry. It only took me 45 years to figure this no -brainer out…and actually implement the practice. (I’m so rolling my eyes right now, geez)
No, the only time I really have an issue with drinking, is AFTER that first drink; if that makes sense. Don’t drink= no major issues. Drink=won’t stop.
*Tells me I have to make sure I never get to the point that I want to drink again (answer to it all), and that it is MY choice, no one else’s. It always was.*
I have to say though, that I feel so much better off of the synthetic meds. I really think that was a smart choice for me. It only stands to reason that staying away from alcohol would make my stability even better, and it’s proving to be so. I have never been without one or the other. I was always on some sort of anti-psychotic/anti-depressant/pill or drinking, or both.
I’m strictly herbal now, and my anxiety is about 1/3 of what it was. Best choice I’ve made in a while. I’m also taking vitamins/supplements and exercising. It feels kind of lame to know I could have been doing this my entire life, but I guess my story just doesn’t match anything other than what it is…and so I embrace the fact that I’m actually doing it today.
One thing I do know about addiction is that you cannot reach an addict, until they want to be reached. You just can’t because it’s a disease of the brain, firstly. You also have to nurture the pieces that are broken in you, that caused you drink in the first place; and accept and make peace with them as best you can, so you can free yourself from the cycle…because that’s what it is. I couldn’t deal, because I wouldn’t stop hurting myself. You can’t make a change at all, if you don’t change what you are doing.
I hope someone that comes across this blog, will learn from my mistakes, and love themselves enough to pull themselves out of it…and stand up again before it is too late. Don’t end up dead or hurting those you love, or in a life that has, in all effects, passed you by….like me. Don’t do it to yourself. It’s not worth it by a long shot. Trust me.
I’m just grateful I’m still around to be very honest. Because I think I should have been dead a long time ago…and what would my life have meant then?
I’m better than that, and I know it.
Again, another off-the-top-of my-head blog post, but yeah…grateful isn’t even the word for what I feel.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME