Scar

In the end it was a cold formal rerun of the obvious; the circumstances the same.

The facts realized that it was to be: accept blame that was not hers to take,  or walk away.

She walked away.

Someone claimed to love her, but was not willing to meet her half way;  there is no love worth that.

Compromising who you are, to enable someone else…is not healthy, nor is it a loving relation.

Walking away was like setting fire to part of her soul.

A part that would always bear the scar.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me
image

“I know that we are young, and that you may love me; but I just can’t be with you like this anymore… Alejandro”

I’ve been focusing on actual reality, and the actual reality is that I’m hoping for something that will never happen with you.

We live in separate worlds.

I am here. You are there. That won’t change.

I’ve tried all I can do to change this fact; live with you; live without you; make it work with you.

Can’t change it. Can’t make it work.

Can’t focus on it anymore.

Don’t want to.

My psychiatrist says I am doing well, and he would like to see me stay that way.

I agreed.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

 

Untitled.

The way you looked at me like the world was ending.

It took all of me to fight back tears of fear and dread.

I knew life as we knew it was coming to an end.

I could do nothing but try to make someone listen.

By the time they did you were gone.

What little sense of it that I can make is trapped inside of me.

Trapped in that last look that said goodbye.

 

J. Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

WORDS 2.0

It’s the words you say to me that are hurtful.

Words can draw you together with someone; or words can create a huge massive rift that divides and cannot be fixed.

All I have are your words. All I have are the words you have said to me. It may seem trivial to you, but they are all that I have.

They hurt. Every loving word or thing you have said to me is completely wiped out with one spiteful,  hateful comment. Especially when it continues to happen.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back.

The damage is done.

I grew up in that. I’ve spent a good majority of my life living in that. I do not want that for myself any longer. I can’t.

You wake up one day; you scrape yourself off the floor again; you try to find the light…the hope….

But all you see is the door.

You muster every ounce of strength to go through it because you don’t want to at all. You do because it’s the only way you can be healthy, and you know it.

I wonder what it could have been like if things would have been different.

But I know this is the end.

” I will never get over you- but I will get used to it”.

Yes.  No other option now.  You made it that way.

I will see you in every moon and star.

    J. Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

MOUTH

41 days day 1

So I was hoping to feel much stronger than I did today.

I pretty much kept myself busy all day long; it feels very much like what I do when I’m trying not to think about Karter.

I’m consciously aware that I’m trying to preoccupy myself. It is indeed a grieving process.

I’m tense, anxious, pissed off and short. I have no tolerance for trivial things. In fact, I’m taking a break from social media for a while, because I simply can’t bare it right now. It’s just not the same. There is no one I want to spend time on.  Mostly I just see people being idiots, and I don’t want to be one, or even try to be upbeat.  I know it’s just me right now and not fair. I can’t help it.

There’s no one to talk to about politics, music,  gaming, life. I don’t know how your day was or how you’re feeling.

It’s so funny and completely sad.

Thats why it’s messed up. It’s a cycle I have to break. But it’s all I know.  It’s like this. Damage.

Doesn’t matter anyways because I’m the only one who feels it, and it was all a lie. I know this.

Still, I hope I can get stronger and my mind will stop playing tricks on me.  Going to focus more on school.

It’s day 41 sober and day 1 without you; and it sucked. I know I’m not supposed to feel it.

I was told by someone wise… that I should.

Until tomorrow.

Trying to love myself.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Today was unlike any other day in that I actually let go of an 4 year relationship that I held very dear to me at one point in my life.

As much as it burns I came to realize that sometimes it is more important to cut your losses and learn the lessons, than to continue to subject yourself to something false that will never get you anywhere but down.

I am having very many mixed emotions because it is hard for me at this point to actually wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never talk to him again. As co- dependant and unhealthy as the relationship was, it did provide a sense of comfort in certain times of sadness.

Mostly though it was a lot of very traumatic and abusive fights and massive feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, that in effect caused me to lose my mind for a period of time.

I have fought my way back to reality with a lot of hard work, and the love and support of very many beautiful friends and a few family members as well.

I continued at different points afterwards to try to make the relation work, because I wanted to believe that things were different between us, and that we were different, and that our love could see us through.

That is not the case. Some things were admitted to me recently that make me know there is no hope left and it is time to get out; and so I have.

I have compromised my morals, beliefs and entire reasoning pattern because of this relationship. I have lost very many things because of it, and many wonderful people as well.

Although it still smarts, I do know it’s the best choice to end it.

I have learned many, many things and the most important one is that you must love and respect yourself, or you will never be whole or find any kind of happiness inside. The second being you can only control the things you do, and take responsibility for your own actions; no one elses’.

I want to tell my family and friends remaining thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for loving me for me and for always being consistant and supportive in my times of despair. I love you, and always will.

I hope that not only will I find happiness someday, but also that he will. I am not without some fault and I do not wish any ill will against him.

To the man I spent 4 years of my life on, I will miss you, and love remains the same. Life goes on.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds (c)2015 Peaces of Me

Leaving On a Jet Plane 2

 

You can not allow it to go on anymore. You just can’t; and you won’t.

Just because you’re worthless in someone elses’ eyes, DOES NOT mean you are worthless.

You deserve to be the only one to your other half. Wanting that is not being needy or bitchy.

You deserve respect.

You deserve loyalty.

You deserved to be praised for your accomplishments, asked about your day, and understood if you need to be spoken to softly and require more care during a particularly hard time.

You deserve actual care and compromise; someone that will actually talk to you and help to work out problems, so that you can move forward together.

You deserve someone that would have your back until the end of time, and would kill to protect you if they had to, without even thinking twice.

You deserve someone that doesnt make excuses for everything, and actually shows their love, not just says it.

It shouldn’t be one-sided, and hard. It shouldn’t be always what you have to do to make the relation work. You shouldn’t feel like a nothing and shit in your own relationship.

You do, it’s time to leave.

I’m leaving.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of me.

Milford Cemetery

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I Took some shots in Milford Cemetery last weekend.

I really enjoy cemeteries because they are one of the only places I feel calm. I don’t really know why.

I’m fairly happy with the shots, but still can’t wait to get my new camera next month.

Beautiful moss patterns.     Family Plot32      14100_117115a  15b  15c43      3121  523drug log rest    syringes29     243536     3022  20  1898    71716 12 10wpid-2015-10-25-20.43.28.jpg.jpeg

“It must be worth losing if it is worth something”

J. Rounds ©2015