Typical

I always wonder why certain people act nice to my face, but paint me in the worst light possible to others behind my back. I know WHY they do it (it’s not me, it’s you), but I don’t know why they extend the effort to play the buddy to me in the first place. I’m not hurting for friends or fake acquaintances.

I also wonder why the person always thinks you won’t find out, and then can’t figure out why you walk away from their nonsense.

It seems like common sense to me. I must be the only one that gets it.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I am a genuine person and also not stupid. I never asked for you to like me, nor do I care. I have enough genuine around me to be just fine.

If my walls weren’t already up, I might be offended. 

Instead I said “typical”, and messaged a real friend. Lol.

😘

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Little Gem to Keep Me in Today….

*PSEUDO*

I try to block it out because it hurts.

I don’t understand how I’ve got myself believing in a total lie.

The kind of lie you end up living in your head that keeps you falling in over and over again.

Down into a hole of abyss and you’re covered in thick, bloody tar and clawing and holding onto nothing and everything to try to get out. But you can’t get out, so you let go and die and wake up again in some hospital room hooked up to respirator with all your friends around….AGAIN.

It’s just another day to believe you, and lie again to myself about all the things you say to me.

I believed you.

Doesn’t that just make me the stupid, weak one for loving you.

Yes it does.

I’m running out of belief.

I try to block it out, because it hurts.

J.Rounds (c)2014

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When I read through my old writings I can see how confused and hurt I was, and it makes me mad at myself that I wasted my time on such negative things. But after that initial madness…I feel a peace in the fact that I’m out of that time of my life now. Today is today, and I can live it the way I choose to. I really always could I just didn’t exactly realize it.

Lessons.

I hope you will always invest in things and people that make you feel good about life and who you are as a person. It’s really the only way to find who you were meant to be.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Allowing Myself to Realize Real Life and Me

I think of all the times that others have stolen parts of my soul; either by deep emotional or physical hurt; and why I did absolutely nothing about it; but take it.

Some wounds are special kinds of gifts wrapped up in empty feelings, fear, and many sleepless nights. Dreams that never had a chance of coming true, but swept you away in the madness of what could have been; became your friend, and the only thing you wanted to know. Taught you a lesson…although hard to bear.

Pain.

You get blinded by it. You become used to it. You forget to look within yourself for any kind of answers at all, and you start to feel comfortable with the good in the bad.

For me it’s a very familiar feeling to have; although these days I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to be the better person… let my pain go…Forgive. Forgive myself.

But I still will never forget.

We all carry pain inside us that will never leave; and we all carry secrets. When you try to live in it, you become a product of your enviroment. Over the last years I have tried to speak candidly and truthfully about some of the pain that I carry.

This has been a blessing and a curse.

I am not a perfect person, but I am a good person. This much I know for sure. My ghosts hurt me mostly now, because I think about what my life would have been like, had I made better  choices for myself. I also know, I can’t go back, only forward.

I hope that maybe someday soon I can find it in my heart to forgive you for good…and myself.

In the end I know it is for the best.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I Got Some Really Bad News today…

I just have so much pain in my heart right now, for so many things.

It aches and feels like it’s never going to be ok.

I think of all the things I could have done differently and the bad choices I’ve made in my past.

I’m suffering the repercussions of some of those bad choices now. But this time, it couldn’t get any worse. My kids are gone now for good. I hate myself right now more than anything.

My heart is torn in a million pieces, and I’m all alone. I don’t care what anyone says; Hell is right here on Earth and I live in it every single day.

The last time I have been this devestated was when my son passed. It’s the same exact feeling.

Now, I have literally nothing to live for, and I don’t know what to do.

I do know I’m not giving up. Because giving up never got me anywhere.

I’m also not going to drink even though I really want to right now. Because I know that’d kill me even more.

Please say a good thought for Jenni (me) if you would please, I’d really appreciate it.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but there’s no other option. Day by day I guess.

I will remember to Love myself this time. As always, I hope you will too.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me.

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June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

Letters you’ll never read 1

I make myself remember how you chose everything and everyone else over me. It’s a fact I never harbor on for too long; but it’s what I tell myself when I want to contact you.

I miss you. Every day.

When you get to that point where you realize there’s nothing to fight for anymore, and you know you’ll never have that kind of love and acceptance you need in a partner; the wounds start to scar over, and back peddling to the past is no longer an option.

It’s not that I don’t  love you; I just had to love myself more, or I’d be dead.

We hurt each other.

5 years is a long time to forget, and I can’t.

What I can do is forgive you and make peace with it.

I am not without fault, and I know it.

I hope you are happy and that you will think of me fondly sometimes, Like I do you.

We said at the beginning that the distance would be the death of us. Who’d have known that that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Be happy.

Anyways…bye.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Letter 203

I never really knew what my life would hold.

Never had anything to believe in until you came…and left.

My rose-colored glasses came off after that and I started to wake up from the naive slumber I had been in for so long.

Maybe that was your gift to me.

The world was crashing down, and puddled around my feet.
I kept myself immersed in the memories, unable to come up for air because I needed to make sense of the fact that I could not make sense of it.

One day I stopped trying to.
That’s when things started to get better.

I don’t know why things happen the way they do; but I do know that wherever you are now, you are better.

I still look for you.
I know I will never find you per say; but I see you in the faces of children like you. It is a small comfort.

I’d like to think you’d be proud of me, and how far I’ve come since then.

I hope so.

I will always remember your smile.

You were perfect in my eyes, and always will be.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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He was #1

 

I got married the first time because I didn’t know any differently. I was 20. I was a wild child, a free spirit, and a misguided, misunderstood soul.

I just thought that you were supposed to marry the person who asked you; and so I did. I thought like that because I didn’t think right about anything back then. I had no clue about marriage; only my parents’ marriage, which ended in divorce when I was 14. I didn’t think anyone would want to marry me; let alone ask me to. How ridiculous is that.

It didn’t even matter that he was 16 years my senior at all; and that I had met him at the adult book store I worked at. I thought we were in love.

Classy I know. I’m sure my mother was thrilled with me on many levels.

I was only married for 10 months, had a late term abortion, and it took me six years to get out of the relationship fully afterwards because I worked for him and I was addicted to coke.

Funny the things you remember again, when you can no longer push them down.

That shit’s over with THANK the gods.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

2016-01-27 23.22.33

 

About my PTSD

Deep rooted trauma has screwed me up.
It replays like a record and  sometimes takes up much of my day, even week; consuming all thoughts and sucking up any motivation I may have had to get anything done.

For me, from what I’ve been able to understand through the healing process, it is something that really will never go away; but I can manage it to the point where it no longer becomes a primary focus in my life.

I am no Dr. Firstly.

But I have been coping for some time now with multiple hard traumas; to the point that I had to make some hard decisions and try to start actively trying to get better, or I was going to lose anything Jenny I ever knew and that ever was me.

One of the biggest things I did, was to acknowledge that I could not change my past. It sounds so cliche` and obvious to most when you say that I know. The past is the past… it’s of course, obvious.

For someone like me who struggles with PTSD, it’s something I have to consciously tell myself; daily.

Sometimes we want so badly to change past events; that we punish ourselves in the process because we think replaying it will produce a different outcome; or perhaps a different way of making sense of what happened.  There’s always that one thing we could have done differently to change what the outcome ultimately was; even though it was already pretermined and it was going to go down the same way, no matter what. Some things you just cannot change, no matter what. I do know that now.

Regarding my son; he is gone and I can’t change that fact. I did everything I possibly could have done to save him. I did everything I possibly could have done.

I don’t know where Karter is; but I do know he’s not suffering anymore; and there’s nothing I could have done differenty to save him. I tried with everything that was me.

I still replay his last day and death in my head, every day; but I know now there’s nothing I could have done. The things I tell myself about it that make me think otherwise…aren’t true.

That realization in itself I think is one of the biggest break throughs I have made, in the past eight years.

For a while there, I was literally driving myself crazy playing that record.

That record finally got a huge scratch in it;  so I put it in it’s sleeve and put it in a special place where I can see it when I need to.

I still look at it too often; I can’t help it; but I’m trying to play other records now.

There’s other music to play.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Fine`

There’s always going to be the underlying tug of what “could” have been, “if only”.

A million people can love you, but if it’s not the one you want it to be, then it just doesn’t make one difference at all.

I fear I will never find happiness because of this and the way I think.

I wish I could turn it on and off like other people seem to be able to do.

Instead I bitch and whine about it to get it out, in hopes it will not infect me any longer and it’ll stop hurting.

J.Rounds (c) 2016~Peaces of Me