I am Not Afraid.

I am not afraid of the dark anymore; this is why I can travel through it.

It has made me stronger.

Time.

It heals most things.

But the real healing comes in facing the demons inside.

Ruthless reminders of the past, put upon the shelf of life, where they belong.

You owe it to yourself to live the life that you were given.

Not just give it away to whatever and whoever would take it from you.

Be grateful because it will save your life.

You make your own path in life, no one else. There is hope on the other side of despair. Always. Reach for it.

Be grateful every time you conquer adversity.

Look yourself straight in the eye, and be proud. You deserve to acknowledge that you did not break where you would have before.

There is internal strength and acceptance that comes in that gesture. Grace, healing, courage…so many other things.

Be kind to yourself every day.

In doing that, you can also be kind to others.

You will want to be.

Be the person you needed to be all along.

It spreads to others like a rash.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Blow-by realization.

I find it a really good thing that my sober date anniversary came and went without me even noticing.

I hope to continue on my journey every day with diligence and find even greater understanding of myself in the future.

Today, I am for all intensive purposes, content.

I do not have every, single thing in my life in place and figured out.

What I do have is the willingness to keep learning and changing my thought processes, until they are no longer trauma-based.

I’m happy with my life right now, and I’m enjoying the fact that I can be who I am, without anybody telling me that it’s not good enough.

It is.

I am one year, seven months, and four days sober.

I am grateful every day, because I know I should be dead, and that’s just the basic *jist of everything.

I prefer to LIVE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

No sex in my city yet.

I don’t know; but I found it hilarious that I just thought of writing a blog entitled:

How to be Carrie Bradshaw from SeX in the City; without the wardrobe, budget, or talent.

Lol.

So. This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind.

It IS funny….but it’s not.

I should have more faith in myself.

I struggle with it and I wish I didn’t.

Love yourself Jenni.

You can

do it.

Work.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Employee of the month to management?

I forgot to document this, so I’m doing it now.

Last week I got employee of the month!!

WHAAAAT? Lol.

Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.

I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.

It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.

It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.

Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂

I like being happy.

There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.

I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.

Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.

I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.

I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.

The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.

I can’t really lose.

Good things come to those who put the effort in.

I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.

Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.

Wish me luck!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Focused on the DO

Today I’m focusing on focusing.

One of my biggest issues is DOING, because I’m easily distracted. I have to focus on focusing, or I won’t get anything done.

I don’t know why I’m like that; I am also changing it day by day with actions; because I don’t like that I’m like that. I’m sure it will continue to get better, if I keep moving forward and trying every day.

People do it all the time. I’m not special in that regard. I get what I put in.

FOCUS.

I’m happy to be feeling generally positive. A little anxious, but it’s normal. A lot to do to get to where I want to be with my life; and where I want to be with T, and our life together.

There doesn’t seem to be enough time to do it all.

Daily I work on the patience part of it, as well. It can be hard, but I know that change and goals take time to come to fruition. I can’t compare my time line to others.

Today is going to be a day that I will have to work at anyways; I cannot lie. I’m fine with that because it feels good to work…it’s my side projects; but I have a lot on my mind this morning as well…so in that way too, I will have to work.

I’m am going outside, and I’m going to enjoy the sun and take photos 🙂

I don’t know where I’m going with my photography; but I do know that I have the drive to make it a permanent extension of who I am as a person; in many regards.

My issue has always been financial (lack of). Also focus. (Focused on wrong things). Also time management. Also thinking I couldn’t do it. Not doing it.

I have to focus always….even on my days off…. to get to where I need to be, for me.

I’m just glad I can still be positive, and I have the motivation to try to spread that positivity. I have the belief in myself now, that I never did before.

Today I am spreading more than usual positivity on myself….because I need it 🙂

I’m admitting it fully because that’s OK.

I am eleven months, and eight days sober; and very grateful for that. I am grateful for my family and for T and for my friends that never left me, and believe in me.

That is a GOOD thing.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Festivus for the Rest of Us.

It’s the classic Seinfield episode, that most accurately fits my holiday celebrations; and/or, lack thereof; depending on the year and how I’m feeling. Festivus…It’s the safest Holiday greeting to give; if you don’t want to get beat up or shunned this Holiday season. (*Huge sarcasms) (I’m laughing as I type this)

Christmas used to be a time that I was excited for every year. When I was a child, I’d literally make myself sick with excitement; and I could never sleep well Christmas eve, because of it. My mother still refers to those days sometimes…and we always have a laugh about it…because seriously, I was a total dork back then too, as well; whoda’ *thunk it.

Yes; I do have good memories of Christmases past. Memories of my childhood, and memories of my kid’s childhood Christmases too.

As I’ve gotten older, and am also divorced now;  I’m no longer involved with my kids Christmas mornings. I’m grown as well. So what used to be a really special time of year for me, has morphed into a rather take it or leave it holiday instead. It’s just another day to me really; except everything’s closed. Not to mention the over-commercialization; and the obvious over-inflation of the idea, that you must spend money to excess. It starts sooner and sooner every, single year. People act more desperate and “Scroog ish” as well. To me that is frustrating; and also sad. It’s not about the Black Friday deals…

My Christmas changed to Festivus because of it.

It suits me better.

Grievances.

I don’t know. I guess this year I’m just happy to be able to celebrate with T; and to know my kids had a wonderful holiday; because I know they did. I don’t have grievances that I’d really like to share…most are internal struggles, and not really grievances at all.

This year I am sending my friends and family some candies I made, that have my own Festivus Jenni touch on them.  I’m considering doing more of these in the future to sell (this is just one idea); but I thought I’d do a trial run first on the “immediates”. Haha.

I also made a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my son Karter’s name. I try to do that every year; because I know without their support, my son could have never gotten the care he needed in Detroit or Cleveland.  At that time, we were a new family, and just doing the best we could financially. We were able to stay with the Ronald McDonald house while in those hospitals; and it really did take a big financial/mental burden off of us because of it. We were able to focus on more important things; like my son’s future care and treatments.

I will always be grateful for the Ronald McDonald house; and I look forward every year to donating, so other families that need help, can focus on healing as well. It makes the holidays better for me.

Here is the link, if you are so inclined. It truly will help people who need it.   

  The Ronald McDonald House 

I did not have a pole this year like a regular Festivus celebration; and my feats of strength consisted of lifting and moving a lot of dogs at work, and whatever yummy goody I could manage to shove in my mouth. I got to talk to my kids; and I was happy to be with T and his family today; and happy to know that T and I are celebrating one year together; AND 9 months sober today as well. That’s a Festivus gift we both gave to ourselves, and the people we love. We worked for it; and continue to do soevery day, because it will always matter most.

Also, if you ever want to look at a cool light display, check out Light up Middletown, if you’re ever in my neck of the woods next Season. It’s awesome! 

That’s about it, and what counts this season, in my world right now. 

I hope wherever you are, and whatever you are doing and did this year to celebrate; it truly was and will be festive and beautiful for you. 

I mostly say Happy Festivus to people; because it saves me time from dealing with the PC people of the world, that have to have their Christmas greeting worded in such a way, that it suits their beliefs/religion. 

Festivus knows no boundaries, and is ALL inclusive. 🙂

I think it’s safe to say, that it really doesn’t matter how you say it; as long as you remember what truly matters in the holiday season, and really always. That is kindness; family and loved ones; giving of yourself in any regard that is positive, and in any capacity; and to remember that gifts come in many different forms. Just being there for someone and valuing them when they really need you, is probably one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone…and is FREE.

Happy Festivus for the rest of us, and all that jazz. I hope your holidays are amazing.

Love yourself. Xo

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

You choose the easiest way, because it requires less effort…and suits you directly; right now.

I know, because I’ve lived it; and was that person too, in the past.

It’s never the easiest way though. You know this. 

That’s why it’s frustrating.

Unfortunately, the easiest way, is not always the best way to go. Many times you end up missing out on things you could have achieved or had, or people who would have stayed in your life; because at the time you didn’t think taking the easy way mattered…and it was easier than trying to go the other way. 

Everything is relevant. Your choices on ways to go are relevant too…

Like a last goodbye. 

What and whom you focus your attention on; is what you put your effort into; and it is like anything else. 

What will you choose to fight for?

Empty promises, words destroyed by your actions time and again.

More than anything, I want to take the best way, not the easiest one. 

If you are not beside me; I will go alone. 

There’s a future that awaits me; and it’s coming regardless of the hurdles.

There is no easy way to get there at all; and I can’t walk for both of us anymore, because I am tired.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME