No sex in my city yet.

I don’t know; but I found it hilarious that I just thought of writing a blog entitled:

How to be Carrie Bradshaw from SeX in the City; without the wardrobe, budget, or talent.

Lol.

So. This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind.

It IS funny….but it’s not.

I should have more faith in myself.

I struggle with it and I wish I didn’t.

Love yourself Jenni.

You can

do it.

Work.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Employee of the month to management?

I forgot to document this, so I’m doing it now.

Last week I got employee of the month!!

WHAAAAT? Lol.

Yeah. 🙂 It was a goal of mine; and wouldn’t you know it, I met that goal without even knowing or realizing it, until one of my bosses pointed out the fact.

I was stoked, because I really love my job, the animals, and the people I work with. I’ve been putting in my full effort since I started, and I intend to keep going.

It may sound ridiculous to some…but I’ve never had a job that felt so rewarding.

It motivates me; and although it can be kind of chaotic sometimes; I’ve learned a lot about dogs that I didn’t know before, made some good friends, and I ADORE every, single one of the dog kids I get to take care of. I just couldn’t ask for any better thing to do for money, besides working for myself…and that will come.

Point is; it makes me happy. 🙂

I like being happy.

There is a management position open that I have decided to apply for. I have to put a resume in.

I don’t know if I’ll get the position or not; but I was told by a lot of staff and my boss, that I should apply.

Another one of my goals is to work my way completely off of SSI again; and I know I can do it, if I get this position.

I’m staying positive and hopeful about it.

I’ve decided to put in my resume, and see how it goes. I figure if I don’t try for it, I’ll be disappointed anyways; I’m not axing my chances with things anymore, out of fear of failing. Instead, I’m putting in the effort and taking the chance.

The time is now to go for it; and I know no matter what happens, I still have the best job ever; to me; none the less.

I can’t really lose.

Good things come to those who put the effort in.

I am glad that I believe in who I am, and what I can do now.

Me being a late bloomer; would be the biggest understatement ever.

Wish me luck!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Focused on the DO

Today I’m focusing on focusing.

One of my biggest issues is DOING, because I’m easily distracted. I have to focus on focusing, or I won’t get anything done.

I don’t know why I’m like that; I am also changing it day by day with actions; because I don’t like that I’m like that. I’m sure it will continue to get better, if I keep moving forward and trying every day.

People do it all the time. I’m not special in that regard. I get what I put in.

FOCUS.

I’m happy to be feeling generally positive. A little anxious, but it’s normal. A lot to do to get to where I want to be with my life; and where I want to be with T, and our life together.

There doesn’t seem to be enough time to do it all.

Daily I work on the patience part of it, as well. It can be hard, but I know that change and goals take time to come to fruition. I can’t compare my time line to others.

Today is going to be a day that I will have to work at anyways; I cannot lie. I’m fine with that because it feels good to work…it’s my side projects; but I have a lot on my mind this morning as well…so in that way too, I will have to work.

I’m am going outside, and I’m going to enjoy the sun and take photos 🙂

I don’t know where I’m going with my photography; but I do know that I have the drive to make it a permanent extension of who I am as a person; in many regards.

My issue has always been financial (lack of). Also focus. (Focused on wrong things). Also time management. Also thinking I couldn’t do it. Not doing it.

I have to focus always….even on my days off…. to get to where I need to be, for me.

I’m just glad I can still be positive, and I have the motivation to try to spread that positivity. I have the belief in myself now, that I never did before.

Today I am spreading more than usual positivity on myself….because I need it 🙂

I’m admitting it fully because that’s OK.

I am eleven months, and eight days sober; and very grateful for that. I am grateful for my family and for T and for my friends that never left me, and believe in me.

That is a GOOD thing.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Festivus for the Rest of Us.

It’s the classic Seinfield episode, that most accurately fits my holiday celebrations; and/or, lack thereof; depending on the year and how I’m feeling. Festivus…It’s the safest Holiday greeting to give; if you don’t want to get beat up or shunned this Holiday season. (*Huge sarcasms) (I’m laughing as I type this)

Christmas used to be a time that I was excited for every year. When I was a child, I’d literally make myself sick with excitement; and I could never sleep well Christmas eve, because of it. My mother still refers to those days sometimes…and we always have a laugh about it…because seriously, I was a total dork back then too, as well; whoda’ *thunk it.

Yes; I do have good memories of Christmases past. Memories of my childhood, and memories of my kid’s childhood Christmases too.

As I’ve gotten older, and am also divorced now;  I’m no longer involved with my kids Christmas mornings. I’m grown as well. So what used to be a really special time of year for me, has morphed into a rather take it or leave it holiday instead. It’s just another day to me really; except everything’s closed. Not to mention the over-commercialization; and the obvious over-inflation of the idea, that you must spend money to excess. It starts sooner and sooner every, single year. People act more desperate and “Scroog ish” as well. To me that is frustrating; and also sad. It’s not about the Black Friday deals…

My Christmas changed to Festivus because of it.

It suits me better.

Grievances.

I don’t know. I guess this year I’m just happy to be able to celebrate with T; and to know my kids had a wonderful holiday; because I know they did. I don’t have grievances that I’d really like to share…most are internal struggles, and not really grievances at all.

This year I am sending my friends and family some candies I made, that have my own Festivus Jenni touch on them.  I’m considering doing more of these in the future to sell (this is just one idea); but I thought I’d do a trial run first on the “immediates”. Haha.

I also made a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my son Karter’s name. I try to do that every year; because I know without their support, my son could have never gotten the care he needed in Detroit or Cleveland.  At that time, we were a new family, and just doing the best we could financially. We were able to stay with the Ronald McDonald house while in those hospitals; and it really did take a big financial/mental burden off of us because of it. We were able to focus on more important things; like my son’s future care and treatments.

I will always be grateful for the Ronald McDonald house; and I look forward every year to donating, so other families that need help, can focus on healing as well. It makes the holidays better for me.

Here is the link, if you are so inclined. It truly will help people who need it.   

  The Ronald McDonald House 

I did not have a pole this year like a regular Festivus celebration; and my feats of strength consisted of lifting and moving a lot of dogs at work, and whatever yummy goody I could manage to shove in my mouth. I got to talk to my kids; and I was happy to be with T and his family today; and happy to know that T and I are celebrating one year together; AND 9 months sober today as well. That’s a Festivus gift we both gave to ourselves, and the people we love. We worked for it; and continue to do soevery day, because it will always matter most.

Also, if you ever want to look at a cool light display, check out Light up Middletown, if you’re ever in my neck of the woods next Season. It’s awesome! 

That’s about it, and what counts this season, in my world right now. 

I hope wherever you are, and whatever you are doing and did this year to celebrate; it truly was and will be festive and beautiful for you. 

I mostly say Happy Festivus to people; because it saves me time from dealing with the PC people of the world, that have to have their Christmas greeting worded in such a way, that it suits their beliefs/religion. 

Festivus knows no boundaries, and is ALL inclusive. 🙂

I think it’s safe to say, that it really doesn’t matter how you say it; as long as you remember what truly matters in the holiday season, and really always. That is kindness; family and loved ones; giving of yourself in any regard that is positive, and in any capacity; and to remember that gifts come in many different forms. Just being there for someone and valuing them when they really need you, is probably one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone…and is FREE.

Happy Festivus for the rest of us, and all that jazz. I hope your holidays are amazing.

Love yourself. Xo

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

You choose the easiest way, because it requires less effort…and suits you directly; right now.

I know, because I’ve lived it; and was that person too, in the past.

It’s never the easiest way though. You know this. 

That’s why it’s frustrating.

Unfortunately, the easiest way, is not always the best way to go. Many times you end up missing out on things you could have achieved or had, or people who would have stayed in your life; because at the time you didn’t think taking the easy way mattered…and it was easier than trying to go the other way. 

Everything is relevant. Your choices on ways to go are relevant too…

Like a last goodbye. 

What and whom you focus your attention on; is what you put your effort into; and it is like anything else. 

What will you choose to fight for?

Empty promises, words destroyed by your actions time and again.

More than anything, I want to take the best way, not the easiest one. 

If you are not beside me; I will go alone. 

There’s a future that awaits me; and it’s coming regardless of the hurdles.

There is no easy way to get there at all; and I can’t walk for both of us anymore, because I am tired.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

The Truth Will Set You Free.

I own my story, and my life.

The good parts; the bad; and the lessons I have learned through falling, and standing back up again.

I talk about it openly, because I hope to help others not be afraid of working towards a healthy and positive life too; despite their mental illnesses, disabilities, addictions, or self-esteem hang ups; or the work that goes into managing the compulsions and set backs that may accompany them.

For a long, long time I lived a life that was not in any way, shape or form; my best potential. Not even 80%. Or 70….and some times not even .999.

I masked myself with vices to numb myself from reality. I drank too much, for too long. I took prescribed, synthetic meds that made my symptoms worse, and compromised my health just the same.

Or I combined the two.

I’ve also done the hard drugs, with the exception of interveniously shooting them…but I have managed to do those kinds of drugs in other ways, none the less, and just the same.

The point is; it wasn’t a life that I was proud of. I had tried and failed, more times than I cared to admit.

I’d finally had enough of my demons; and I walked away from them to save my own life.

I decided that no one else owed me anything; and I needed to try to try…because shitty life or not… it was my life to live; and how could I even know if my life could be better, if I was continually caving to the vices that were destroying me.

I stopped that behavior, because it WAS killing me.

It was killing the people around me that care about me too; like my family, and true friends. I was killing them, with MY behaviors and actions.

I chose to lift my thought process, to something that would propell me forward instead of backwards for once…

I’ve been in ruthless pursuit of my peaceful self, ever since.

I gave up the parts of me that liked to kill me slowly; and their accompanying chaos. I do not trigger them, or engage them today, because it makes me sick, literally…and it’s simply not worth living a miserable existence for.

The trys become DOs a lot more now; now that I know I’m awake; and sober. 

I decided I couldn’t really do much, without actually doing it.

Go figure.

…………………………………………..☀.               🌟.                    ☀

There will be life rewards that will come to you, from the work part of coming to terms with yourself.

You start to realize things about yourself that will change the pieces of damage you carry, into fibers; that make your body stronger for the work that you have put in, and are putting in to heal. Emotional strength and loving who you are as a whole; is to me…one of the top important things in life…

In my opinion, THEE most important; probably because it has been so hard, and taken so long for me to actually start doing it.

To make peace with yourself, is a gift you give YOU.  To miss the unlovable parts sometimes, is normal. To not talk to those parts or engage them, because they hurt you…is crucial.

Tough love and sacrifice.

You will become a better person for it.

It’s a given.

It is a daily choice to live honestly and without regret.

I’ve learned this finally.

It is sometimes not easy. I learn something new about life and myself every single day…and sometimes I feel weak.

I am NOT perfect…but I make a solid effort to be honest and generally nurturing and compassionate; true…for years now.

I grow, and forgive myself for the things that I have done to keep myself sick.

I had to; to move forward.

My family and children have also forgiven me, and so what I can do now, is prove myself to them through my actions…not words.

I’m doing that.

I personally feel most of the time that I need to work harder. I guess that’s something that I will always hate about myself. 

It really never seems to be enough; no matter how genuine I am; in just about all aspects of my life.

That’s a fact.

Uncertainty has always scared me, because I’ve been in survival mode, since the first time my step-father made me realize that I was going to get hit if I didn’t conform…so for a long time. My real father is a jailed until death murderer, drug addict, and also has mental issues…

I come from broken.

That is a fact.

It took SO long, to give ME a chance.

I was afraid of love, and myself as well.

FEAR will kill you…or large parts of you…every day. It will manifest into anxiety that will cause parts of you to die. You will stop caring about the people you love…because you’re afraid.

True fact. As according to ME. And what happened to ME in MY life.

That’s it.

When you’ve suffered things you can’t make sense of; and you have, or have had trauma in your life…if you’ve carried it with you like a best friend for as long as you could remember; if you’ve masked the pain and hidden from the world and yourself….a lot of what you feel is ALONE.

One of the key things I personally needed to learn; is that, I was NOT, and AM NOT alone.

I CHOSE to remain alone and not seek help….

because I was afraid.

To me, if I didn’t hurt emotionally or physically in some fashion; then I would be, being selfish. I also let people make me feel selfish for loving myself; and I more than not put other people’s needs, in front of my own.  And so, because I don’t like that part of me; the selfish part….because she’s riddled with fear and hate; I became compliant…and I hated myself. 

When I began to believe that it was possible to heal my mental damage, and control my bipolar…without synthetic medication, or alcohol, I began to come into myself again, and started knowing who I was as a person, based on reason…for the first time.

I am a good person despite my flaws; and I FINALLY know this.

There were many people who showed me reason throughout my journey, along my way.

I thank you, truly…

Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works. Also, when I realized the damage I had caused others….well I needed to fix the parts of me that did that. 

I fail sometimes still…..but the people that love me for me, know I put effort towards succeeding now; and I do on more and more occasions lately, because I put the work in.

Period.

You can hate me, and judge me all you want to, and say anything you want to about me….I’m OK with that.

The sweetest part about coming to terms with your own truth, is that you’re the only one that has to own it.

People that are not contributing to my positivity and well-being today; I don’t hold stock in. The truth of the matter is… someone that thinks they are better than you, because of the things you’ve done or been through…or haven’t; will most likely never get it, until they start looking at their own short-comings; until something significant causes a rift in them, that can’t be fixed; and they have to look for their own peace.

Judging me, won’t change the fact that I’m OK with me.
Something I’ve learned and worked for, over time, as well.

I don’t live by anyone’s rules but my own. I also hold value in myself, and were I’ve been.

I should be dead.

I wear the scars mentally, externally, and across my face and body daily… MY story; and a life, that I have lived. 

MY life.

Some people want me to feel bad and ashamed about that for the rest of my life. Instead, I talk about my issues and life, so I can heal from within, and help others who have no voice, to heal themselves too.

I’m disappointed that I wasn’t regarded or valued the way I should have been, as a child…because I think if I had been valued more…I might have valued myself more.

But I can’t live in that.

I’m just as disappointed by myself…because I never valued myself.  I’m angry that I hurt people I value/valued in my life…because I was living the wrong way, and numb.

I consider who I am today…and I’m OK with her; I’m a more than decent person…and I know it, AND show it.

True; I have a ruthless streak in me, that likes to pop off. I consciously try to avoid situations and surroundings that make her show up. 

I have to do that for myself.

I’m glad I stopped drinking. I’m glad I stopped synthetics…every day.

I know, I can be working daily for a goal that I may never fully achieve. I know also, that I can be a good influence on the greater good of things; I already am in many regards, and I know my words resignate with many.

It’s because I wasn’t afraid of being honest about the things I’ve been through.

I owned it.

I don’t love everything in my life at all, or everything that I’ve done in my life; but here’s something I learned, and try to practice daily………………………….

You can choose to change your life for the better at any given moment in time.

TRUTH.

And you don’t need anybody else’s permission or opinion about it at all, to do it.

You just need to do it.

It’s not a bad thing to say I’ve had enough of the negative, and the negative self-esteem.

It’s not a bad thing to value yourself, as much as you value others.

It’s not a bad thing to be truthful, and ask for help when you need it.

I remember that, because it IS true.

You can hate me all you want to for any of my past..but that’s not who I am today.

I am sober; 7 months, 4 days.

I am living with conviction and the truth of my reality.

I am worth it.

I’m grateful for that, and that I finally know it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

An actual technical paycheck.

So I got my first real paycheck in years today.

What? 😉

I’m happy because I know I truly earned it…in many ways.

I’m glad I made the choice to finally start having some faith in myself.

I know there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t like this job because it’s physically demanding, dirty, and takes a high love of all things dog and cat. For me it makes me feel peaceful inside, and I love it. 

My eldest daughter is proud of me, and my true friends. I know my mom will be too when I tell her. I am proud of me. It’s been a rough journey to feeling like I’m able to work.

I’m sending money to my kids for their Birthdays, getting my camera equipment off of pawn, and saving. 

Couldnt really do that on disability, so.

This feels awesome. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME