It’s a situation. Mental Health Stigma, Social Media, Political Views and Me.

I should be more upset that whenever I don’t say what people want me to, I get slammed over my mental health issues and sobriety.

I’m not though, because I know that people these days get excitable over pretty much anything (sometimes myself included), and it isn’t worth the time to take those words in as truth, when I know I am doing the work to stay sober, and emotionally am doing quite well.

The stigma of mental health is real, and if you have strong political views and talk about them on social media, it is even harder to live down your past struggles. It’s the first thing people zero in on if they don’t agree with you, or don’t understand you as a person.

People automatically think you are talking crazy. They automatically assume you are drinking again. They automatically assume you are spiraling down. They tell you that you are wrong in any fashion they care to. They discount you.

Even if your words make sense and are directed towards peace and stopping gun violence. Even if you are afraid of guns, don’t own one, can’t own one, and don’t want to own one.

Even if.

I pulled away from Facebook again because I needed to.

After these last mass shootings, I took to my wall to let everyone know that I was tired of the gun issues in America, the mass shootings that have happened 251+ times just this year alone, the looking the other way so it continues to happen, and the fact that they sell guns in America to any seemingly normal person that wants one.

As you know, I moved from Dayton just a few weeks ago. What you also must know is that the mass shooting in Dayton was 15 minutes away from where I lived, and where my friends live as well. For some time I was worried that some of them could have been there; and I was worried.

After finding my friends were all safe, I then became angry. For over a week I posted numerous things on my wall about the mass shootings, gun control, videos on peace, finding peace and solutions, and also numerous opinions of others as well that justified my stance and supported it.

I figured I could do nothing but use my voice, and so I did.

I don’t regret it either.

It wasn’t until I was honest and admitted that I was tired of talking about gun control, had been talking about it too much and was going to focus on my family, friends, and job; that people started coming to me and asking me if I was ok.

Numerous people.

I don’t much get it.

Although I more than appreciate the concern for my welfare (I DO), I have to say that I was taken back by the fact that people could be so worried over the fact that I am concerned about the way our country works and the way we always look the other way on every real issue there is.

I’ve decided that social media (Facebook in particular) is no longer a place of reason, and in reality, never was.

Most people are unwilling to have real discussions on ways to change anything.

It doesn’t matter what you say.

This week it solidified what I in essence, already knew.

I understand that mental health struggles are real. I do sometimes still struggle with depression and symptoms of PTSD myself.

But I don’t feel that wanting to feel safe in your own country without having to have a gun, and talking about it….is me being mental.

Social media, is in my opinion, a relevant starting point for change about the way we communicate and treat others in general.

I know I have work to do myself in that regard as well.

What it is for me personally regarding guns, is me being worried for the future of my children and yours, and I have every right to be.

It is not my cross to carry if people don’t understand that. At all.

Will I get locked away for not wanting a gun and for wanting my children and all people to feel safer? Pff. It’s just too much, and it doesn’t make sense to me at all.

I am not sure in the future if I will ever talk about politics in an open way again on facebook, because if people can’t even accept the talk of reason from me and inquire to see if I’m ok, then it seems all I am really truly doing is worrying people, and digging myself a social hole for people to imply that I am still sick.

It makes me sad mostly. That I can’t be myself.

It makes me sad that people potentially see me as sick again, because I have been open about my struggles, and I chose to speak up about my opinions on relevant topics and things going on in this country.

It makes me sad that people can think those things about me.

However, I think it is the price I pay for having conviction, principles, and passion. I think it is the price I pay for opening up my life online, to try to help others that struggle.

I am sitting on the porch of my sister’s house this morning with my dog and my coffee, writing this blog so that I can assure anyone that worries about me that I am not a threat to anyone, and that I am indeed ok. It is something I feel I need to do because, like I said, the stigma of mental health is very real. I feel it is my responsibility to assure people, because I do speak on a public platform about my struggles and life.

Today, I struggle because I want change in my country. I struggle because I know that it probably won’t come. I struggle because the only thing I fear in this world is losing another one of my children senselessly.

It is somewhat of a grieving process for me, letting go of the fact that I can do nothing; and there is nothing wrong with that.

This is what I want people to understand.

I also know, that you are what you focus on and that I can’t let that fear keep me from living. It isn’t, and does not.

I talk about things to process them, and to learn new ways of understanding within myself.

It is time for me to focus again on things that I CAN change in my life.

I am having real conversations with my kids and family for the first time in years. True friends too. It feels good to be loved for who I am, opinions and all.

People that know me in real life understand, and support me. They support my growth and the process I’m going through to become the best version of me.

Today I will focus on being mindful of the fact that I need to live despite what’s going on in this world and in my country. Despite the fact that I can do no relevant thing to change anything at all, except to change myself.

It is hard to be human. It is hard to be in a world that doesn’t make sense. I think it is hard for all of us, mental health struggles or not.

I still feel grateful for this life, and for the blessings that I am lucky enough to call mine.

I still have hope that in America, we will become kinder as a people and that we can work it out someday. Together. We are all in this life together, after all.

I will always be who I am and have opinions on things that affect me. I will never feel guilty or bad about my opinions on those topics ever again. I will not feel bad for being me. I made that promise to myself over three years ago, and I am sticking to it.

I did not in any way want to cause concern to people or hurt anyone’s feelings.

I will in the future, consider not talking about politics as much in general.

That’s just a consideration…not a promise.

For now I’m done talking. I’m focusing on living this life to the best of my ability, integrity, and being kind.

Mental health struggles do not always equate out to irrelevance, or active spiriling down. They are case by case, as anything is.

We also need to understand that it is ok to struggle, but that it is essential to ask for help if you feel like you are spiriling down.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

Full-time decent person this year for for me.

“Be the person you want to be all the time, not just when people are looking.”

There is something to be said about marching to the beat of your own drum.

There is something to be said about being a full-time decent person, that marches to the beat of their own drum as well.

The friend circle is smaller for people like me, by nature, because I don’t like to people all the time anyways.

Now, that I try to do the right thing; my friend circle is even smaller.

I’m not as entertaining anymore.

Decency equals boring, right?

Not right.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter to me about the numbers of friends that I have in my personal circle.

Does it, Ozzy.

No.

Quality is much better for me.

Tomorrow is my 47th Birthday, and it has been a BS-axing year for me.

I am sober, and I thank myself for that.

Birthday gift.

I am moving forward, although there are many kinds of pitfalls and drop-offs that like to shake stuff up for me, I’m finding.

I’m weeding through it daily.

That’s the best way I can put it.

I’m not jazzed about certain things in my life, but I know it’ll be up to me, all of it; to push through it, and change those things.

It’s my life.

It’s days like this that make me anxious.

My Birthday and all; really any significant date in my life.

I do hope the year will be a good one for me, and I think it will be.

It’s days like this that I remember, that I’ve made it this far, and what the journey means.

Also that age is just a number.

Live.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I’m a Rambler, and I Have Trust Issues…

I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.

It’s hard. 

Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.

I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days. 

It’s totally true.

I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.

That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.

This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.

I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.

I don’t like that feeling at all.

Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)

I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.

I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.

I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.

I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately. 

I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with. 

I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside. 

Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone. 

I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.

Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Typical

I always wonder why certain people act nice to my face, but paint me in the worst light possible to others behind my back. I know WHY they do it (it’s not me, it’s you), but I don’t know why they extend the effort to play the buddy to me in the first place. I’m not hurting for friends or fake acquaintances.

I also wonder why the person always thinks you won’t find out, and then can’t figure out why you walk away from their nonsense.

It seems like common sense to me. I must be the only one that gets it.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I am a genuine person and also not stupid. I never asked for you to like me, nor do I care. I have enough genuine around me to be just fine.

If my walls weren’t already up, I might be offended. 

Instead I said “typical”, and messaged a real friend. Lol.

😘

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Things We Cannot Change

I’ve learned to expect less of people, because the disappointment I used to feel in others, was becoming unbearable.

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing, but because of this I generally feel numb inside; otherwise known as walls up.
It’s nothing new, I have said it before.

I have finally put the time into myself instead; and have decided that people can’t really affect me, unless I let them.  I am finally becoming much smarter in the way I see others now.

People treat me like I am stupid and don’t have the right to have feelings, way more than they should; and I get tired of it. I’m also tired of being used emotionally and financially in negative ways and lied to openly, by people that should know better.

I’m blocking those people out of my life now.

One by one.
My walls are still up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I don’t have regrets. I have a shitload of things that looking back, I would have done completely different.

The thing is, that’s how you change and grow as a person. I know this.

If I was a perfect person, things would be way different for me I’m sure.

But I’m not; I’m me.

I try to be a good person, do the right things, and make amends where and when I should.

I learn and grow every day.

I’m literally just glad I’m still alive in the freaking first place to even try. For real.

I’m still sober, and I’m glad about it.

Night.

J.  Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Be you

You know, the biggest gift I ever gave myself was to allow myself to fully be me without any remorse or apologies.

I used to apologize for every single thing I did, to the point that it was annoying. I got SO used to listening to others tell me I was a fuck up and what I should be; I felt SO bad about myself as a person, that I started apologizing for things I didn’t even have anything to do with just in case; and just because.

That’s completely annoying to most people when someone is like that by the way; TRUE FACT. After a while it just gets old, and people don’t want to be around you anymore.

I’ve always been crazy and outspoken. I know I always say this, but you can ask anyone that knows me from back in the day. I’ve always been a geek and into different things that others usually find odd. I’ve always been nerdy.  I’ve always been snarky and sometimes bitchy. I’ve always had an artistic flair that’s carried over into the things I did or how I dressed and expressed myself. (these last years very heavily my personal appearance); But that’s just always been me.

I always felt the need though, to somehow stifle it to a level that was “more tame”. I didn’t want to offend people; I wanted to “fit in”; I wanted to make sure people liked me. My self-esteem was SO low, that I literally couldn’t handle it if someone didn’t. There were still people that didn’t like me, obviously, because it’s life. It would always secretly devastate me inside though.

After a while, living like that got really, really old too; for real.

I just decided one day; after my entire relationship was made public, including my personal, private pictures on the biggest social media site in the world; that I was going stop caring, and start doing me. It was time to finally start living, and stop masking my insecurities and who I was as a person from everyone; because that’s what I was doing. It was my starting point.

I could have crawled into a hole and died, I really could have. Instead I decided to turn absolutely everything public, for everyone to see. Fish bowl. For a long, long, time I struggled publicly, as a lot of my friends from school and Facebook saw. Everyone could see it, if they stopped by. It was very hard at times; I won’t lie. There were some days that I literally wanted to off myself because I was so ashamed of being me and my behavior at times, and my behavior in the past. I defended those behaviors, until I no longer could. I knew I was busted and messed up. That’s one of the things about being totally public; you pretty much have to fess up to everything and it’s hard to hide your flaws.

But I stuck to it.

SO many people would come to me and say “Jenny what are you doing?”  I just kept doing it; keeping everything public, no matter how I felt. It started to feel normal after a while. It IS normal to me now.

Eventually I started to really change inside and grow; and others were seeing it and then they started coming to me and telling me their struggles. I didn’t even realize it was taking place, I was just doing it.

I just started being ME, and in doing that, I started to help other people, feel free to be themselves as well; and they were telling me that.

I mean, how freeing; to FINALLY be able to be myself, and not be scared anymore! It’s an amazing feeling to have.  PLUS, I was also inadvertently helping others, by sharing MY struggles. I didn’t even know it.That’s when I realized that I could let the love I had in me, OUT. I decided to start this blog finally, after talking about it for a million years. I decided to actually get sober and go back to school. These are all things I did on my own; I’m the one doing the work still; and I’m actually succeeding.  This is one of the first times in my life that I can remember, that I actually feel confident and positive, that I can do anything at all I set my mind to, (short of becoming a Victoria’s Secret super model) Haha.

What I realized is this:

There’s ALWAYS going to be someone better or someone that doesn’t agree with me. Always. There’s always going to be someone younger; someone smarter; someone prettier; someone with a better body; bigger boobs; better ass; someone more fortunate than I am; someone wealthier; someone funnier; someone better at math; someone that travels more just because and knows more Star Wars trivia (you think?); the list literally goes on and on. and the NUMBER ONE thing is; There will ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS be someone, that’s going to have something to say about it that’s negative. ALWAYS.

POINT IS:

Am I going to go the rest of my life comparing myself to these people?  NO. NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Just because your story or situation or what your personal appearance is, or your orientation or any of those things is, doesn’t match what others or society says it should be; it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it, or YOU.

It’s pretty easy to know basic right from wrong when you think about it (I’m talking integrity level); but everything else is pretty much open for interpretation, ACCORDING TO YOU.

I see a lot of people that act just the way I used to and it hurts me. Because I know what it feels like to struggle with yourself, and to try to make everybody else happy. I’m here to tell you, DON’T BUY INTO IT; It’s a trap; and you’re trapping yourself. You’re never going to be happy until you stop comparing yourself to everybody else and what they want you to be. It’s just a fact.

The sooner you start embracing your weaknesses and flaws, and making peace with them; the sooner you’re going to see that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks; the sooner you will start to change your weaknesses and flaws for YOU.

We all have things that we struggle with. We all have things we wish could change about ourselves, and things we wish we were, or could do.  BUT it’s better to be the best version of yourself to yourself, than is to be the best version of what someone else wants or says you should be.

I don’t know if anybody is going to read this, or if it’s going to help anyone.  But this is what I’VE learned, as a late bloomer, over the 44 years of my life.  I’m really hoping someone will read this and NOT waste their life like I did; because you have in you the potential to be absolutely anything you want to be, whatever that is; if you would just love yourself.

I hope you will start today; because before you know it, it will become normal to think of yourself in a loving way; just as you think of others you love.

Love yourself.  You are most definitely worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Waah wah wah waaaaaaah….

Today was decent; not really what I expected, but my days never are.

I was contemplating writing more on Karter’s story tonight; but at the same time it’s painful to write about.  I keep changing the draft I started, and then I just get fed up. I feel like I have writer’s block on that again; and I know it’s just because I want to write it in the right way, and I overthink it; It’s kind of annoying to me. I will try again tomorrow.

This presidential candidate race is driving me insane; yet I can’t turn it off. It’s like a train wreck. (as I was called tonight by someone) (nice) It’s not like it’s going to really matter who gets elected, and I wish it would get over with already. The news is shit.

It’s getting easier to deal with things that confuse or complicate my daily life.  I just know better by now I guess; so I don’t spend much time on dwelling like I used to. I never really thought I’d get to a level of self-realization like this; but it seems I’m able to realize my triggers very easily now, and stave them off. For that I’m grateful because it sure is a lot less stressful.

I have my first major submission due tomorrow for my class. I’m the only one that cares about it;  I’m fairly confident I will get a good grade, but I definitley need to spend more time on my class. Gotta’ do that.

It’s always funny to me how sometimes I feel like I talk in circles on this blog. I just say what’s in my head; and then I don’t have to bother anyone. Whatever. *Thumbs up.

It’s day 72; and things could always be worse. This I know for sure.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Affirmations Day 64

Choose where you want to go, and go there.

Get it in your mind that this is the goal, and do it.

Step by step, day by day; never stop believing; never give up.

Small steps in the right direction, eventually add up to bigger, better things.

It’s just a fact.

If you feel weak, ask for support.

If you feel small, inspire yourself with wisdom of others who have been there before you.

They are gifts in your life, in which ever way they come into it. Never forget that.

Be humble and grateful.

See the world through child’s’ eyes, as everything is new and untainted.

You have gifts you carry within you; give them away.

You only have one life to live.

and this is yours.

Live it.

*I have decided to go back to school.  I will be studying digital art, media and photojournalism at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

I’m very excited and ready for the challenge.  It’s been a long time coming to get here.  Every day I feel stronger and more positive. Even the things that aren’t good in my life, don’t seem so bad now.  I know it’s only a matter of time before my life starts going smoothly again.  I will be happy.  It is my destiny.

J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear here

hmmm