I’m a Rambler, and I Have Trust Issues…

I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.

It’s hard. 

Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.

I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days. 

It’s totally true.

I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.

That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.

This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.

I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.

I don’t like that feeling at all.

Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)

I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.

I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.

I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.

I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately. 

I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with. 

I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside. 

Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone. 

I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.

Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Typical

I always wonder why certain people act nice to my face, but paint me in the worst light possible to others behind my back. I know WHY they do it (it’s not me, it’s you), but I don’t know why they extend the effort to play the buddy to me in the first place. I’m not hurting for friends or fake acquaintances.

I also wonder why the person always thinks you won’t find out, and then can’t figure out why you walk away from their nonsense.

It seems like common sense to me. I must be the only one that gets it.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I am a genuine person and also not stupid. I never asked for you to like me, nor do I care. I have enough genuine around me to be just fine.

If my walls weren’t already up, I might be offended. 

Instead I said “typical”, and messaged a real friend. Lol.

😘

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Things We Cannot Change

I’ve learned to expect less of people, because the disappointment I used to feel in others, was becoming unbearable.

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing, but because of this I generally feel numb inside; otherwise known as walls up.
It’s nothing new, I have said it before.

I have finally put the time into myself instead; and have decided that people can’t really affect me, unless I let them.  I am finally becoming much smarter in the way I see others now.

People treat me like I am stupid and don’t have the right to have feelings, way more than they should; and I get tired of it. I’m also tired of being used emotionally and financially in negative ways and lied to openly, by people that should know better.

I’m blocking those people out of my life now.

One by one.
My walls are still up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I don’t have regrets. I have a shitload of things that looking back, I would have done completely different.

The thing is, that’s how you change and grow as a person. I know this.

If I was a perfect person, things would be way different for me I’m sure.

But I’m not; I’m me.

I try to be a good person, do the right things, and make amends where and when I should.

I learn and grow every day.

I’m literally just glad I’m still alive in the freaking first place to even try. For real.

I’m still sober, and I’m glad about it.

Night.

J.  Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Be you

You know, the biggest gift I ever gave myself was to allow myself to fully be me without any remorse or apologies.

I used to apologize for every single thing I did, to the point that it was annoying. I got SO used to listening to others tell me I was a fuck up and what I should be; I felt SO bad about myself as a person, that I started apologizing for things I didn’t even have anything to do with just in case; and just because.

That’s completely annoying to most people when someone is like that by the way; TRUE FACT. After a while it just gets old, and people don’t want to be around you anymore.

I’ve always been crazy and outspoken. I know I always say this, but you can ask anyone that knows me from back in the day. I’ve always been a geek and into different things that others usually find odd. I’ve always been nerdy.  I’ve always been snarky and sometimes bitchy. I’ve always had an artistic flair that’s carried over into the things I did or how I dressed and expressed myself. (these last years very heavily my personal appearance); But that’s just always been me.

I always felt the need though, to somehow stifle it to a level that was “more tame”. I didn’t want to offend people; I wanted to “fit in”; I wanted to make sure people liked me. My self-esteem was SO low, that I literally couldn’t handle it if someone didn’t. There were still people that didn’t like me, obviously, because it’s life. It would always secretly devastate me inside though.

After a while, living like that got really, really old too; for real.

I just decided one day; after my entire relationship was made public, including my personal, private pictures on the biggest social media site in the world; that I was going stop caring, and start doing me. It was time to finally start living, and stop masking my insecurities and who I was as a person from everyone; because that’s what I was doing. It was my starting point.

I could have crawled into a hole and died, I really could have. Instead I decided to turn absolutely everything public, for everyone to see. Fish bowl. For a long, long, time I struggled publicly, as a lot of my friends from school and Facebook saw. Everyone could see it, if they stopped by. It was very hard at times; I won’t lie. There were some days that I literally wanted to off myself because I was so ashamed of being me and my behavior at times, and my behavior in the past. I defended those behaviors, until I no longer could. I knew I was busted and messed up. That’s one of the things about being totally public; you pretty much have to fess up to everything and it’s hard to hide your flaws.

But I stuck to it.

SO many people would come to me and say “Jenny what are you doing?”  I just kept doing it; keeping everything public, no matter how I felt. It started to feel normal after a while. It IS normal to me now.

Eventually I started to really change inside and grow; and others were seeing it and then they started coming to me and telling me their struggles. I didn’t even realize it was taking place, I was just doing it.

I just started being ME, and in doing that, I started to help other people, feel free to be themselves as well; and they were telling me that.

I mean, how freeing; to FINALLY be able to be myself, and not be scared anymore! It’s an amazing feeling to have.  PLUS, I was also inadvertently helping others, by sharing MY struggles. I didn’t even know it.That’s when I realized that I could let the love I had in me, OUT. I decided to start this blog finally, after talking about it for a million years. I decided to actually get sober and go back to school. These are all things I did on my own; I’m the one doing the work still; and I’m actually succeeding.  This is one of the first times in my life that I can remember, that I actually feel confident and positive, that I can do anything at all I set my mind to, (short of becoming a Victoria’s Secret super model) Haha.

What I realized is this:

There’s ALWAYS going to be someone better or someone that doesn’t agree with me. Always. There’s always going to be someone younger; someone smarter; someone prettier; someone with a better body; bigger boobs; better ass; someone more fortunate than I am; someone wealthier; someone funnier; someone better at math; someone that travels more just because and knows more Star Wars trivia (you think?); the list literally goes on and on. and the NUMBER ONE thing is; There will ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS be someone, that’s going to have something to say about it that’s negative. ALWAYS.

POINT IS:

Am I going to go the rest of my life comparing myself to these people?  NO. NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Just because your story or situation or what your personal appearance is, or your orientation or any of those things is, doesn’t match what others or society says it should be; it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it, or YOU.

It’s pretty easy to know basic right from wrong when you think about it (I’m talking integrity level); but everything else is pretty much open for interpretation, ACCORDING TO YOU.

I see a lot of people that act just the way I used to and it hurts me. Because I know what it feels like to struggle with yourself, and to try to make everybody else happy. I’m here to tell you, DON’T BUY INTO IT; It’s a trap; and you’re trapping yourself. You’re never going to be happy until you stop comparing yourself to everybody else and what they want you to be. It’s just a fact.

The sooner you start embracing your weaknesses and flaws, and making peace with them; the sooner you’re going to see that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks; the sooner you will start to change your weaknesses and flaws for YOU.

We all have things that we struggle with. We all have things we wish could change about ourselves, and things we wish we were, or could do.  BUT it’s better to be the best version of yourself to yourself, than is to be the best version of what someone else wants or says you should be.

I don’t know if anybody is going to read this, or if it’s going to help anyone.  But this is what I’VE learned, as a late bloomer, over the 44 years of my life.  I’m really hoping someone will read this and NOT waste their life like I did; because you have in you the potential to be absolutely anything you want to be, whatever that is; if you would just love yourself.

I hope you will start today; because before you know it, it will become normal to think of yourself in a loving way; just as you think of others you love.

Love yourself.  You are most definitely worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Waah wah wah waaaaaaah….

Today was decent; not really what I expected, but my days never are.

I was contemplating writing more on Karter’s story tonight; but at the same time it’s painful to write about.  I keep changing the draft I started, and then I just get fed up. I feel like I have writer’s block on that again; and I know it’s just because I want to write it in the right way, and I overthink it; It’s kind of annoying to me. I will try again tomorrow.

This presidential candidate race is driving me insane; yet I can’t turn it off. It’s like a train wreck. (as I was called tonight by someone) (nice) It’s not like it’s going to really matter who gets elected, and I wish it would get over with already. The news is shit.

It’s getting easier to deal with things that confuse or complicate my daily life.  I just know better by now I guess; so I don’t spend much time on dwelling like I used to. I never really thought I’d get to a level of self-realization like this; but it seems I’m able to realize my triggers very easily now, and stave them off. For that I’m grateful because it sure is a lot less stressful.

I have my first major submission due tomorrow for my class. I’m the only one that cares about it;  I’m fairly confident I will get a good grade, but I definitley need to spend more time on my class. Gotta’ do that.

It’s always funny to me how sometimes I feel like I talk in circles on this blog. I just say what’s in my head; and then I don’t have to bother anyone. Whatever. *Thumbs up.

It’s day 72; and things could always be worse. This I know for sure.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Affirmations Day 64

Choose where you want to go, and go there.

Get it in your mind that this is the goal, and do it.

Step by step, day by day; never stop believing; never give up.

Small steps in the right direction, eventually add up to bigger, better things.

It’s just a fact.

If you feel weak, ask for support.

If you feel small, inspire yourself with wisdom of others who have been there before you.

They are gifts in your life, in which ever way they come into it. Never forget that.

Be humble and grateful.

See the world through child’s’ eyes, as everything is new and untainted.

You have gifts you carry within you; give them away.

You only have one life to live.

and this is yours.

Live it.

*I have decided to go back to school.  I will be studying digital art, media and photojournalism at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

I’m very excited and ready for the challenge.  It’s been a long time coming to get here.  Every day I feel stronger and more positive. Even the things that aren’t good in my life, don’t seem so bad now.  I know it’s only a matter of time before my life starts going smoothly again.  I will be happy.  It is my destiny.

J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear here

hmmm

It is what it is.

I love the passive aggressive people the most.

*SARCASM*

You know the ones that are absolutely livid and loathe you, inside their little heads; over any amount of attention, or any amount of positive gain you may get or make in your life.

It oozes out their pores with their actions and lack there of.

The ones that secretly hate you because they can’t be you; but swear up and down when you confront them, that they would never want to be you in the first place; because you’re such a train wreck and so full of yourself, and such a bitch, and so fake.

Yeah right.

The ones that talk behind your back; but to your face, profess how awesome you are and how much they love you.  They claim all day to be straight up, honest, and not fake people at all.

Seems legit.

These people are the ones that follow everything you do, but never like any of your good times; none of the uplifting, happy things you share, that are happening in your life.

They are the first ones to drama “bandwagon” on all the problematic things you feel and share; and can’t seem to pass up any opportunity they have to get a passive aggressive dig in, just to try to get you to react, or look bad to others.

Yeah;  THOSE people.

When you’ve done nothing but care for the person/persons, had the person’s back or tried to be a true friend;

THAT’S even better. *Thumbs up*

Everyone has these people in their life, I am not unique in that at all.

I actually find it rather humorous more than anything at this point, when it happens nowadays. I can pretty much call it after one REAL conversation; but I always, always, always give the benefit of the doubt until it cannot be denied. It always starts out slowly; but soon it’s easy to see the pattern emerge, and becomes apparent.

Eventually it always comes to the surface; ALWAYS.

I don’t really get it.  It must be so sad of an existence for people like this; to not even be able to be honest; even though, they are so transparent, It’s fucking sickening.  I really don’t understand the reason why they torture themselves so much; if they are so “NOT fake” and “TRUE”. It seems to me, they’d rather just say “You’re a stupid, fucking bitch and I hate you”; outright..

I mean, REALLY.

I’ll tell you why:

It’s because they are miserable people inside. They get off on other people’s misery because “misery loves company”, and it’s easier than doing something to change their own, small perspective of an existence; so they hate on people that aren’t afraid to change theirs; and aren’t small in personality OR guts and moxy; and never have been. It’s a direct extension of what is inside of them.  NOT ME OR YOU, at all.  Chances are they are like that with everyone, or a great percentage of people they come into contact with on a regular basis.

The jealously they show with their words and actions (or lack there of), is hauntingly telling. Anyone that knows anything about psychology can see straight through it.

Today it happened to me again; but shit happens.

It makes no difference to me either way at this point; I’m merely pointing out that I can see it plain as day. I have loads of actual real friends that DO care for me, and me for them; and DON’T pretend, and I don’t even have to question it. These are the people I always focus my attention on now. I don’t have time or effort for any other kinds of people; and I’m glad for that. I also am steering clear of as much negativity as possible these days (I’m sure you know this); another thing I’m very glad about.

For what it’s worth, these kinds of people that expose themselves in my life, will simply be noted and put in my “do not spend time on” file, and cut out all together.  No other acceptable option other than this, is going to happen.

 You have included yourself in this category as of now.  I did nothing to you but try to lift you up.

Envy is a deadly sin and it looks horrible on you. I hope one day you will get real with yourself and actually become the things you say you are.  I would like to see that for you; I really would.

 See; It’s not my loss at all.  I’ll keep on moving forward with the people that do care, and I won’t look back either way.

I bid you adieu, and wish you well.

Today was another lesson in friendship and forgiveness for me.  I can only control myself; and I don’t have to be around people that aren’t true, or that don’t have my best intentions in mind; neither do you. I also won’t hold onto negativity regarding people like this anymore, because it’s counterproductive to me and my life; neither should you.

Tomorrow is another day. 

Love yourself.  You are worth it.

J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

YEP.
YEP.

Friendship and how I view it

I like to be nice because I am nice, really.  When I’m a bitch, I do it full on and epic like; I’m super good at it, because I have to be to not get walked all over.  It’s something I’ve kind of perfected.  I much prefer my nice side because it comes more naturally, and it’s nicer.  I’m sure others do as well.

Most of the people I surround myself with, get this about me and respect me for it.  Then there are the others that THINK they know me, but don’t at all, and overstep their bounds because they think they can.  It never ends well for them and then they end up doing an one eighty and showing their true colors, and their real reason for being around me in the first place.  Fall outs always happen like that.  I hate those; and sometimes it hurts because it’s always the people you never expect.

There’s a certain level of respect I give my friends because I genuinely care about them and love them.  I expect the same in return; and if I know you are blatantly disrespecting me to try to hurt me on purpose; I WILL call you on it.

It doesn’t take much to be kind to someone or to make a friend that could be life long.  It also doesn’t take much to lift someone up when they are hurting or feeling down.  What takes the most effort generally for most people, is respecting your friends when you don’t agree, and being civil but clear when you are disagreeing with them.  Sometimes it’s better not to say anything at all; and just accept that they have different views on certain things than you do.  That’s what a good friendship is.

At this point I am as genuine as I’m ever going to get.  I don’t hide or pretend about anything. When I’m nice to you it’s because I mean it. When I’m not nice, it means there’s a reason for it.   I’m respectful when I disagree, because It is my last intention to hurt you when I care about you. If you don’t agree with me, please be respectful if you are giving me your opinion; because I don’t allow people to talk down to me anymore, there’s no need for it.

To all my friends that care about me, I want you to know, that I care about you too.  I’m happy you’re in my life, I really am.  You are a great comfort and support system.  I hope I can always be the same for you. 🙂 I love you.

   As always, love yourself;  You are worth it.

J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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