You know, the biggest gift I ever gave myself was to allow myself to fully be me without any remorse or apologies.
I used to apologize for every single thing I did, to the point that it was annoying. I got SO used to listening to others tell me I was a fuck up and what I should be; I felt SO bad about myself as a person, that I started apologizing for things I didn’t even have anything to do with just in case; and just because.
That’s completely annoying to most people when someone is like that by the way; TRUE FACT. After a while it just gets old, and people don’t want to be around you anymore.
I’ve always been crazy and outspoken. I know I always say this, but you can ask anyone that knows me from back in the day. I’ve always been a geek and into different things that others usually find odd. I’ve always been nerdy. I’ve always been snarky and sometimes bitchy. I’ve always had an artistic flair that’s carried over into the things I did or how I dressed and expressed myself. (these last years very heavily my personal appearance); But that’s just always been me.
I always felt the need though, to somehow stifle it to a level that was “more tame”. I didn’t want to offend people; I wanted to “fit in”; I wanted to make sure people liked me. My self-esteem was SO low, that I literally couldn’t handle it if someone didn’t. There were still people that didn’t like me, obviously, because it’s life. It would always secretly devastate me inside though.
After a while, living like that got really, really old too; for real.
I just decided one day; after my entire relationship was made public, including my personal, private pictures on the biggest social media site in the world; that I was going stop caring, and start doing me. It was time to finally start living, and stop masking my insecurities and who I was as a person from everyone; because that’s what I was doing. It was my starting point.
I could have crawled into a hole and died, I really could have. Instead I decided to turn absolutely everything public, for everyone to see. Fish bowl. For a long, long, time I struggled publicly, as a lot of my friends from school and Facebook saw. Everyone could see it, if they stopped by. It was very hard at times; I won’t lie. There were some days that I literally wanted to off myself because I was so ashamed of being me and my behavior at times, and my behavior in the past. I defended those behaviors, until I no longer could. I knew I was busted and messed up. That’s one of the things about being totally public; you pretty much have to fess up to everything and it’s hard to hide your flaws.
But I stuck to it.
SO many people would come to me and say “Jenny what are you doing?” I just kept doing it; keeping everything public, no matter how I felt. It started to feel normal after a while. It IS normal to me now.
Eventually I started to really change inside and grow; and others were seeing it and then they started coming to me and telling me their struggles. I didn’t even realize it was taking place, I was just doing it.
I just started being ME, and in doing that, I started to help other people, feel free to be themselves as well; and they were telling me that.
I mean, how freeing; to FINALLY be able to be myself, and not be scared anymore! It’s an amazing feeling to have. PLUS, I was also inadvertently helping others, by sharing MY struggles. I didn’t even know it.That’s when I realized that I could let the love I had in me, OUT. I decided to start this blog finally, after talking about it for a million years. I decided to actually get sober and go back to school. These are all things I did on my own; I’m the one doing the work still; and I’m actually succeeding. This is one of the first times in my life that I can remember, that I actually feel confident and positive, that I can do anything at all I set my mind to, (short of becoming a Victoria’s Secret super model) Haha.
What I realized is this:
There’s ALWAYS going to be someone better or someone that doesn’t agree with me. Always. There’s always going to be someone younger; someone smarter; someone prettier; someone with a better body; bigger boobs; better ass; someone more fortunate than I am; someone wealthier; someone funnier; someone better at math; someone that travels more just because and knows more Star Wars trivia (you think?); the list literally goes on and on. and the NUMBER ONE thing is; There will ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS be someone, that’s going to have something to say about it that’s negative. ALWAYS.
Am I going to go the rest of my life comparing myself to these people? NO. NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Just because your story or situation or what your personal appearance is, or your orientation or any of those things is, doesn’t match what others or society says it should be; it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it, or YOU.
It’s pretty easy to know basic right from wrong when you think about it (I’m talking integrity level); but everything else is pretty much open for interpretation, ACCORDING TO YOU.
I see a lot of people that act just the way I used to and it hurts me. Because I know what it feels like to struggle with yourself, and to try to make everybody else happy. I’m here to tell you, DON’T BUY INTO IT; It’s a trap; and you’re trapping yourself. You’re never going to be happy until you stop comparing yourself to everybody else and what they want you to be. It’s just a fact.
The sooner you start embracing your weaknesses and flaws, and making peace with them; the sooner you’re going to see that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks; the sooner you will start to change your weaknesses and flaws for YOU.
We all have things that we struggle with. We all have things we wish could change about ourselves, and things we wish we were, or could do. BUT it’s better to be the best version of yourself to yourself, than is to be the best version of what someone else wants or says you should be.
I don’t know if anybody is going to read this, or if it’s going to help anyone. But this is what I’VE learned, as a late bloomer, over the 44 years of my life. I’m really hoping someone will read this and NOT waste their life like I did; because you have in you the potential to be absolutely anything you want to be, whatever that is; if you would just love yourself.
I hope you will start today; because before you know it, it will become normal to think of yourself in a loving way; just as you think of others you love.
Love yourself. You are most definitely worth it.
J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me