The Fallout is never as epic, as it is in your head.

I mostly feel run over.

This time spent building nothing but a pipe-dream of a life with you….

It was no life at all in the end.

No grounds to stand on; never was. No way to get through the walls you built; or for that matter; no way to get through MY walls to get to you….anymore.

That is what the damage really is.

This is the loss.

The loss of someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me; as I did about him.

Literally made me into an enemy; to feed the thoughts in his head.

Is it really a loss if it was all based on mistruths and secrets? Is it really a loss when that person doesn’t skip a beat; and moves on with life like it never meant anything? Chooses the easy, instead of the work to make things better. Prefers to be without you; because the reality is too hard.

There’s the answer; and it’s not a new one.

I wont feel bad about that. It’s not really a loss; because it’s actually a lesson.

Today I will focus on loving myself and doing things for myself that will get me moving forward again, and where I belong.

I think losing faith in one thing; or a person; doesn’t mean you have to lose faith in everything.

My obvious disappointment will not deter me from bigger and better opportunities in my life.

Fear will.

That’s the work I have to keep doing.

It has nothing to do with whatever guy is riding beside me; or what relationship I’m in/out of….or not.

A man doesnt make me; I DO.

People walk in and out of my life every day.

I am never afraid to let the ones that are not strong enough to stay; walk away.

They were not meant to be in my life; or they would be.

My choice; is to know that it doesn’t decrease my value as a person.

And it never did.

My issues are mine; and yours are yours.

Although I will miss some things; I’m moving forward knowing that I don’t have to look back this time.

I don’t have to have it all figured out.

That’s freeing.

Love yourself.

I will miss the idea of who you pretended be.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

ONE Life.

I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.

I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.

Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.

Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.

I’m being true to myself today.

I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.

I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.

It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.

I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.

It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.

I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.

And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.

“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”

I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.

Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.

It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.

It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.

I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.

I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.

The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.

It’s getting better and better every day.

Patience….

Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.

I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………

When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.

There are things to still be grateful for, after all.

I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.

L

ove yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I am No Mother Theresa. A Free-writing piece.

Edited meme of a movie poster/Mother Theresa quote. Original source in image link.

I am no Mother Theresa.

I respect her fully though.

She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.

A “proper” role model.

I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.

I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.

Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)

Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….

Being a decent person, that is.

I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.

“To thine own self be true.”

Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.

For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.

I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.

I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.

I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.

I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.

Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.

It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.

Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…

I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.

I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.

We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.

It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.

I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.

It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.

You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.

I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.

I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.

Not true.

The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.

You hurt others with your negativity.

You hurt yourself.

Something in you, has to find a way to change.

It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.

It’s about what you think about yourself.

It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….

And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.

I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.

Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?

I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.

I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.

I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….

It IS, after all….ME.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What is Your Truth?

There is no point to say things out loud to someone, that you never intend on truly doing, or following through with.

I’ll tell you straight up; that there is no point in that at all.

It stands to reason that eventually the person you’re telling it to; learns that your actions don’t match your words; there’s a reason behind it; and it’s generally never a good one.

So why say it?

The point is: it’s only getting you NOWHERE….quick. Words are just words, without the actions behind them.

I’m finding that most people don’t get this concept at all… which is why I probably always talk about it.

In fact; I sometimes wonder what the point of trying to be a decent person even is; when so much of the rest of the world and the people in it; seem to act like it’s a curse to do the right thing, and to give an actual shit about other people and things.

It almost makes me boring…right?

But….I know that the reason I try so hard to be a positive force in this world now; is because I don’t base my actions on what other people think about me anymore. It’s also because for so long, I was like every other selfish asshole; who only thought about myself; what suited me, and what I could get…even though I knew I was most likely hurting others in the process.

I found out the hard way, that that is not a way to be.

It DOES matter.

You can’t have anything REAL or tangible; or a life that means something; when you are constantly taking and not giving back anything in return.

All you get is a steady, revolving door of people walking away from you.

I know.

That wasn’t something about myself, that I could live with anymore; or was proud of doing, or being like.

I got tired of feeling empty inside; and so I changed.

What does it matter?

It matters because the people I love matter. It matters because it makes me a better person inside; to treat others the way I want to be treated.

It matters because my life is better because of the fact that I changed my outlook on everything.

Who wouldn’t want that for themselves?

I am not always successful…don’t get me wrong.

But I do always strive to make my words match my actions now…which is something I never used to even worry about. I don’t think living truthfully is anything but a good thing.

I wish more people, would do the same; I really do. The world would be a much better place….and there would be less hurt in it.

Truth, and your actions mean everything in life. Without both; it simply isn’t real…and means nothing but the story you’re spinning.

I am 1 year, 6 days sober; and I don’t regret changing at all. That is something I can be grateful for…and I am every day I wake up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober is my Strength

I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.

It is a slower process than I would like.

I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.

What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.

I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.

I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.

To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.

Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.

I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.

I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.

I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.

Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.

The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.

The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?

The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.

To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.

I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.

I am grateful.

Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober Suits Me

When I looked in the mirror today; I saw myself.

I am many things; but a warrior of heart, I truly am.

There are not many things that I have on my list, of things I’ve done right in my life; but I made a choice to change that a bit back, and really work hard towards some personal goals; my sobriety being one of them.

I am 11 months, and 3 days sober today; and so is T.

Sober life is still a daily thing to live…and always will be for me. I do feel like though; if I never drank again…that would be more than just fine with me.

I don’t much think about the good times of my partying days anymore like I used to; because I choose to focus on the fact that it ruined my life more than anything else. I ruined my life.

That thought keeps me from sliding backwards. I’m not about to do that again at all.

I guess my real point is; is that it’s quite the opposite feeling of when I was 25 years old, and had just gotten my first DUI, after driving home from the bar with my girlfriend.

At the time, I could not imagine my life without alcohol, and didn’t want to. Didn’t think I had a drinking problem AT ALL. Truth is, I was on the corner drinking hard alcohol with my boyfriend, when I was 13 years old. So………yeah.

If I could have seen the future of the course my life would take; I’m positive I would have not believed it; and would have fucked my life up anyways. Maybe not; but probably. I don’t think I ever had the proper life skills to not F it up, to be completely honest. That might sound sad to some; and I’m fine with that; because it’s the truth.

I still knew right from wrong though, so I can’t fully blame it on that… Still, yeah; I really had no clue about anything; and I chose to live in chaos until I couldn’t anymore.

Not smart.

The one thing I know about addicts; is that they cannot be reached, until they want to be reached. This is almost always after there is nothing left to salvage of the persons esteem or life.

A desperate clinging to the drug of choice, until the drug of choice has betrayed the addict for the last time, and it is either VICES and DEATH…..or LIFE.

The addict mind will always be an addict mind. But you can teach your mind to focus on things that are good for your life, instead of bad.

The choice really is YOURS to make, and I think that’s what’s so hard for people with mental disorders and addictions to understand; because we often have felt/do feel powerless…controlled….like we had/have no choice OR voice in the matter.

YOU DO YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU DO HAVE A VOICE.

IN FACT, YOU; are the only one that can determine what your life will be.

I am sober today, because I choose to be. I choose to listen to my inner loving voice, because it protects me from my addict voice; and that voice is not something I want to engage with…it causes me to hurt myself and others.

My addict voice had my loving voice locked away for a long, long time; and it was not until I turned the lock on my addict voice, that my loving voice was set free…and started to love me again….and I started actually living for the first time in my life. I forgave myself. I loved myself enough to believe I deserved some things that were GOOD for a change.

And the change started…

I’m proud of myself, and of T.

I’m proud of every, single addict that ever stopped themselves from themselves…and chose to LIVE instead of dying slowly.

You are an inspiration and motivation to me. Thank you.

Keep loving yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Blog for the Props of it.

I’m a bit flustered, as I go to the Dr. for my check up tomorrow.

I’ve needed to go for a while now.

I am scared; I won’t lie; but T will be there for support.

A little flustered with the paperwork for a new patient appointment though.

Writing down the things you know, that run in your family, is scary.

Not knowing your biological father and his history; [your history]; on his side, is more than scary. It’s scary sobering.

I don’t know anything about my father; except that he is going to die in jail, if he hasn’t already. He is a coward; and deserves to be where he is.

I don’t forgive him for anything.

I also am almost positive I have other siblings; a half-sister for sure; but I’m not expecting to ever meet her/ them(?)

Point is

I think of how long I told Dr.’s offices my step-father’s medical stuff instead, by default; just so no one would have to know that I didn’t know my real father; or had one, that didn’t want to know me.

I don’t know that part of my potential medical ailments; because I don’t know my father… or his family.

I am glad today that I do not know him; and I do not want to know him; as much as that sucks to say…it really doesn’t anymore for me.

He is not a man I want to know.

Tonight I marked N/A in my father’s spot for medical history.

Because it’s my truth.

I gave myself props for seeing it for what it was worth.

I also gave myself props for getting through this BS paperwork; which also, by the way; asked my sexual orientation and gender orientation as well. (both I declined to say; because it’s a baited question; used for profiling; that should be illegal, in my opinion.)

Anything else I need to find out about myself, will be way of a 23 and Me DNA kit, books, and Google search; if they tell me I have something wrong with me.

I guess I’m starting to realize that certain things are not important to pursue; and others are.

I hope tomorrow will go well for me. Generally, I tend to get more anxious than I should; so I’m trying to go with that one tonight….and not be.

That’s good enough for now.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2018 Peaces of ME

My synthetic medicine journey… to none.

Sometimes, it’s constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.

It’s really all I can do…and enough to do it.

I am well aware that I am not on synthetic medication anymore. Sometimes that still scares me; even though the effects and side-effects of taking the medicines….scares me more.

I remember when I made the decision to stop taking them.

At that point my cholesterol level had shot through the roof because of the bipolar anti-depressant I was taking (Latuda); and they had to prescribe me another medication to lower it. I was also on a mood-stabilizer as well; (Trileptol) a common anti-seizure drug that my son actually was taking back in the day for his Epilepsy. It is also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar.

I was having headaches that lasted for days. Parts of my body were going numb at random times, that lasted for days and weeks. I have a bum shoulder; broken twice in the same spot, that causes me chronic pain daily. The meds made it feel worse. My joints felt worse, to the point that it hurt to walk sometimes. I was having auditory hallucinations whenever I did not take my meds at the exact same time. I was STILL up and down, up and down anyways. I was miserable; unable to hold a job….and stuck in a life of NOTHING.

The meds were not fixing me. They were in fact, hurting me….making me worse. It was actually quite terrifying if I have to be honest about it. You wake up feeling worse than the day before…and it’s like, how is this helping me?

It’s not.

I started to think of all the meds my son was on when he was alive….and all the complications they caused for him; and the constant trying to find the ones that would work. The medications he was on that were supposed to help his movement disorder; that in fact in the end had the opposite effect, and actually made his movement disorder irreversible….because unbenounced to us, that med (Haldol) was making it worse every day…one of the side effects of it, WAS an irreversable movement disorder….also called dyskenisia.

We gave him Dr. prescribed meds for a movement disorder, that was made worse by the med that was supposed to make it better.

The guilt I still carry from that…is indescribably hard to deal with or relate.

It didn’t make sense to me anymore. Any of it. What was the point of being on medicines, that didn’t even work for me; and caused other serious health problems? This was not the first time for me with this. It had been a struggle for years with the different medications for me; and finding something that worked. I asked myself was I THAT messed up, that I could not find ways naturally to help myself instead?

The answer to me was NO…I was NOT that messed up. I needed to find new ways to control my bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and pain. I needed to help myself.

At that point I made the choice to detox from the medication I was on; and to live free of synthetic pills and medication for good.

It is a choice that I do not regret in any way…although it is challenging in moments.

I would have had to depend on synthetics, and keep taking them…for the rest of my life. I was at risk for developing even worse symptoms and health problems down the line; and that’s just a logical conclusion I came to, based on the symptoms I already was having.

It wasn’t worth it to me.

It wasn’t a real life. For me, It was a life filled with pills, and hoping I could be fixed by them…but struggling despite. Nothing more. They did nothing to touch my PTSD or anxiety symptoms either. Made my body, joint pain, and anxiety… WORSE.

I was just done with it all; regarding synthetic anything in my body.

I started to research herbal remedies and read anything I could to help myself. I had many friends who helped me with that as well. To you guys, I say thank you.

I realized that just because I was bipolar, and had other issues going…it didn’t mean I had to commit myself, to a life-time of pills and stigma.

I could overcome it, if I tried hard enough.

I smoke cannabis to control many of my symptoms now. Soon, I will be switching over to the straight CBD oil…which is a derivative of cannabis…and has no mood altering effects.

I take vitamins and supplements, and try to get as much sleep as I can. I excersize. (At work, all day long)

I make a conscious effort to actively control my ups and downs. Mostly that just consists of not letting myself get to the levels of despair I used to feel.

I do that by staying sober, writing, seeking support from people who care about me; and actively trying to help people that struggle with the same kinds of things that I do.

Many people have things to say about cannabis; and it’s use for medical purposes. Many people have things to say about me, and my use of it.

That is not my issue. I know I am responsible with my usage. I do not need validation from anyone on it at all.

I AM NOT a doctor. And truth be told, some of the Doctors I’ve worked with…weren’t doctors either…even though they carried the title.

Three things I DO know for sure, based on personal experience…and the experiences of people close to me:

~Synthetic meds WILL eventually lead you to MORE synthetic meds, and more problems health-wise, when it is all said and done.

~Cannabis and CBD oil would have greatly increased my deceased son’s quality of life and pain. He would not have suffered as much as he did. I wish it would have been an option when he was alive; but sadly it was not.

~Supplements and cannabis have greatly improved my symptoms, health, and overall quality of life.

It works for me; and I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about it anymore, because I live a life every day that is full and responsible, and true.

Things I wasn’t able to do when I was taking meds to “fix me”.

Healing and managing mental symptoms and pain, is not about doing things the way people tell you to do them.

It’s about looking in yourself, and finding ways to nurture the parts in you that need to be nurtured…not suppressed.

I own my Bipolar. I own my PTSD. I own my chronic pain from injury. I own my anxiety. I own my choice of medicines I will put in my body.

It is my choice. It is also yours.

I still feel the ups and downs. But they are far less extreme now.

I do not regret my choice to stop putting unnatural things in my body.

Sometimes, it IS constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.

But the difference is; I know that it will pass now, and that’s just part of how I’m made. I embrace the fact that I AM not normal by societies standards.

I also feel no shame for who I am as a person anymore; and I know that the best things in life, all revolve around embracing who I am.

I am ME. I am not a stigma that can be cured with a pill; and I don’t want to be.

I am 10 months, 5 days sober.

I am living for the first time in my life. My best is happening daily.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME